Chapter 7
Cash
I managed to keep up a conversation with Daisy, but my gut was rolling with tension as I kept glancing over my shoulder at Sage.
I couldn’t help but think I’d royally fucked up by letting Daisy come stay with us.
But when she’d looked at me in that hotel room, I’d known it was what she needed.
I’d seen it in Sage’s eyes too, as he’d been pressed up against her side.
Selfishly, I’d wanted it too. I’d wanted a chance to explore this thing between the three of us, so I’d put aside the complications it could potentially cause and I’d seized on Daisy’s unspoken request.
Never in a million years would I have thought she’d choose me and Sage over Ronan.
But she had, and I wanted to believe there was a reason for it.
Yes, it could’ve just been her reacting to the moment – Sage and I had been her saviors, after all.
But Ronan wasn’t just any guy. He’d saved Daisy’s life first, he’d given her a new purpose…
he watched out for her and treated her like a daughter or younger sister.
If there was anyone in this world she would have felt completely safe with, it was Ronan Grisham.
Yet, she’d chosen us.
And she’d done it in a way that had spoken to all of my darkest needs.
She hadn’t been able to just voice her request, so she’d looked to me to do it for her. To give her what she needed.
It was the exact same thing Sage had done two years earlier when he’d been trashing that hotel room in a fit of rage. In that moment when I’d wrestled him to the floor and he’d practically ordered me to fuck him, I’d seen something else.
I’d always wondered if I’d just been projecting my own needs on him, but after everything that had happened between us, I knew that wasn’t the case.
We’d somehow lucked out in finding in each other what we’d both been looking for.
But to have lightning strike twice?
Impossible.
But the proof was currently setting our kitchen table.
I’d thought it was what Sage wanted, but there was no denying how much he was struggling.
And I wasn’t in a position to give him what he needed.
Giving him an occasional order when Daisy was outside of hearing distance wasn’t enough to quell whatever was burning inside of him.
But I couldn’t risk exposing our unique lifestyle to Daisy.
She’d go running for sure.
But the more I watched Sage, the more I knew I’d monumentally fucked up. I’d seen Daisy as some kind of balm for him, but he couldn’t let go of his fear long enough to even interact with her. I’d thought being around her might offer some kind of shift for him, but I was wrong.
Having her around didn’t make him need me any less.
She didn’t tip the scales enough that he no longer needed the dynamics of our relationship.
Which left me to wonder what I’d managed to even accomplish by bringing Daisy home with us.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the kitchen as Daisy and I both got caught up in Sage’s uncharacteristic silence.
I knew Daisy had to be completely confused, since Sage wasn’t acting anything like he normally did with her.
I’d need to talk to her, to explain and maybe try to find a way to make her understand what Sage needed from me.
I glanced over my shoulder at Daisy and saw her staring at Sage’s back with open concern. Her eyes met mine. She didn’t even try to hide her worry.
Maybe now was the perfect time to sit her down and explain things…
I put down the knife I’d been using to cut up the roast we were having for dinner and turned to Sage to ask him to go sit down at the table.
And froze at the sight of the knife he had pressed against the inside of his forearm.
“Sage,” I said softly, though my heart was in my throat.
His unseeing eyes were staring straight ahead at absolutely nothing.
“I’m sorry, Mouse,” I heard him whisper, then he pressed the knife into his skin. I was on him in a flash and I grabbed his wrist to stop him.
And then he was coming after me.
Only he wasn’t seeing me.
“No! You leave her alone! You leave us alone!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. I was dimly aware of a dish breaking behind us, presumably one that Daisy had dropped, but I didn’t give a shit about anything in that moment but Sage.
“Sage!” I yelled. “Open your eyes!”
His eyes were actually open, but they were blank and I knew that wherever he was, they were closed. I managed to get him to drop the knife, but he continued to fight me as if I were the devil himself.
I slammed Sage backwards against the refrigerator and held him there. The blow seemed to knock him from his daze because his eyes cleared.
“Cash?” he asked in confusion.
“Sage, talk to me,” I said, as I loosened my hold on him. Blood was dripping down his arm. When he saw it, he stiffened.
“Let me go,” he said, his voice thick. His eyes shifted to something over my shoulder and he went pale.
Daisy.
“Let go, Cash!” he screamed at me.
This time it was all him and he was most definitely seeing me.
His fear and frustration were like a living thing beneath his skin and he once again became the caged animal he’d been the night he’d trashed the hotel room.
“Sage—”
“Let me the fuck go!” he snarled as he tried to shove me away.
“Knock it off!” I bit back, but I released him just the same.
Because I knew what needed to happen next.
Predictably, he jerked away from me and started to leave the room. But before he even got two feet, I said, “On your knees.”
I knew it was my tone and not the words that stopped him in his tracks.
Because he was wired to respond to it.
He didn’t know why, and neither did I, but we’d long ago learned to stop questioning it.
I knew we could probably spend years sitting in various therapists’ and psychologists’ offices trying to find the answer, but it didn’t matter.
Having the answers wouldn’t change the needs that drove each of us.
Sage didn’t do what I said, but he didn’t move forward, either.
A sure sign of the battle raging inside of him.
I didn’t move and I didn’t spare Daisy a glance. I knew she was still in the room, but I needed her to be invisible at the moment.
For him.
And for me.
“Do I need to repeat myself?” I asked coldly.
Sage’s back was to me and I saw him shudder violently. Blood was dripping down his arm and hitting the floor, but the wound was relatively minor, so I didn’t focus on it. I couldn’t rush what needed to happen.
“No,” Sage murmured, but I knew he wasn’t saying no to my order – he was answering my question.
Sage slowly sank to his knees. As badly as I wanted to go to him and enfold him in my arms, I knew it wasn’t what he needed.
I snagged a clean towel off the counter and went to him. His eyes were downcast and his shoulders were slumped.
Broken.
Because I hadn’t been smart enough to see how badly he was suffering.
“Where are your eyes supposed to be?” I asked.
He immediately lifted them so he was looking at me, rather than the floor. I chanced a glance at Daisy.
She was standing in the far corner of the kitchen, her hands pressed against her stomach, like she was in pain. Her skin was shockingly pale and her eyes were wide with fear and confusion.
As badly as I wanted to comfort her, I couldn’t.
“Daisy, will you please go to Sage’s and my bathroom and get the first aid kit that’s in the cabinet behind the door?
It’s in a black canvas zipper bag.” I didn’t wait to see if she did as I asked.
Instead, I turned my attention back to Sage and studied his eyes.
I was relieved to see they were bright with confusion, fear, and relief.
He wasn’t completely where he needed to be, but he wasn’t stuck in the past either. And he wasn’t trying to run.
That was the most important thing.
He could have told me to stop and I would have been forced to let him go. I would have followed him, of course, until I’d been sure he was out of danger. But I wouldn’t have been able to give him even a single order.
It was a line I would never cross. That word was sacred to him, to us.
“Lift your left arm,” I said as I lowered myself to the floor.
He did as I said and I pressed the towel to the small puncture wound. My eyes fell on the scars that ran along the inside of both his forearms. I’d known what they were from the moment I’d first met him, but he’d never told me the exact details of what had caused him to try and take his life.
But I had a pretty good idea.
Knowing he’d gone to a place in his head for even the briefest of moments where something like that had become a possibility had my blood running cold.
What if I hadn’t looked over at him at precisely that moment?
I didn’t say anything as I held the towel to the wound. He wouldn’t look at me, but I was okay with that. I needed to get my emotions under control. If he saw what I was feeling at this exact moment, it would negate everything I was about to do.
Daisy returned with the first aid kit. I directed her to open it. When Sage’s gaze shifted to a visibly upset Daisy, I said, “Your eyes stay on me and nowhere else.”
A shudder rippled through Sage’s body as he snapped his eyes to mine. I was feeling calm enough to hold his gaze as I spoke.
“I’m going to clean and stitch this and then you’re going to finish making the salad.”
Sage’s relief was palpable and that helped my inner turmoil ease.
“Cash,” I heard Daisy whisper in what I could only term as a horrified voice. I shot her a glance, but didn’t speak. I shook my head once. She fell silent and dropped her eyes. I wanted so badly to comfort her and explain all this, but I couldn’t.
Sage needed me more than she did.
I focused on Sage and quickly cleaned and stitched his wound. He flinched when I inserted the needle through his skin, but didn’t make a sound.
“Good boy,” I said when I was finished. “Eyes straight ahead while I clean up. I also want you up on your knees until I say you can get up.”