Chapter Twenty-Three
Julian felt her lips pull up in a smile against his and he pulled her closer.
Kissing had always been a prelude to something more fulfilling. But kissing Lainey was different. He could feel something growing between them and it wasn’t just his erection.
It was trust.
And it was enough. No. It was everything.
She had forgiven him already, but now she believed him.
And he had no choice but to believe her. She’d told him he’d earned the right to come on this journey and he would have to accept that. No matter what doubts spun around in his head.
He pulled back only far enough to look at her. His hands still rested on her ribs, he could feel her sides move with her breathing which was quicker than normal.
He’d done that.
She took a deep breath and tilted her head back. He mirrored her and gasped.
“They look so close, don’t they?” she said in an awed voice.
“I’ve never seen so many stars.” As she’d said, they did look close enough to touch. The way they reflected off the water enhanced the effect. He’d never seen anything so beautiful, and sharing it with the woman next to him, made the moment even sweeter.
He could almost believe his life could always be like this. He knew better. He knew what kind of life waited for him, but he would always have this, and he would forever be grateful.
“Thank you, Lainey.”
“For what?” she asked turning to look at him.
“For giving me this. A moment I will cherish for as long as I live.”
She leaned up and kissed him, something no other woman had been able to do. Joy passed between them and soon they were smiling as if they couldn’t help themselves.
When she shivered, he suggested they retire to their rooms so he could get her out of the chilly, night air.
Instead, she snuggled closer to him, wrapping her arms around his waist under his coat. Yes, this was better than returning to their rooms alone. They shared the stillness in silence for some time. But soon he was thinking of all the reasons he didn’t deserve to be there with her.
“I must confess something,” he said finally.
“All right.” She gazed up at him as if she trusted him completely. He didn’t want to give her any reason not to. But he needed to be honest with her.
“I told you I was drunk the night I laughed at Robert’s horrid jest.”
“Yes.”
“As I said, I was just laughing in general, not at you specifically.”
“Yes.”
He wanted to stop speaking right then rather than say something that could ruin this moment, but the truth bubbled free.
“I do worry that had I not been drunk I might have laughed anyway,” he said hating himself for it.
“Why do you think that?” she asked, not reacting in any way.
“Not because you were laughable at all, but because at that time in my life, I was desperate for friends. My true friends were still in Scotland. I was alone and I wanted those despicable lords to accept me. My father thought they were acceptable and after spending my life with my father who never was satisfied with me, I might have felt obligated to laugh at Robert’s foolishness so I fit in with them.”
“And this bothers you?” she asked.
“Of course, it does. You seem to have forgiven me because I was inebriated, but I feel that is unjust.”
“You still want me to seek my revenge so your conscience will be clear?”
“You must admit, I got off rather easy. You should have given me a right thrashing.”
She crossed her arms and was even more appealing for her stern look. He wanted to kiss her until she cracked into laughter again. But he refrained.
“Very well. I will think on it and determine a proper punishment so you can finally let this go.”
“Hale and Kit didn’t arrive in London until after my father was gone.”
“They accepted you?”
“Without consideration. It was rather like it was with you. At least after you stopped hating me. But it is easy to speak to you. Actually, even easier than with them.”
“Because we know each other’s demons?”
“Perhaps.” He shook his head. “Actually, I don’t think it is because of what you already know, but because I feel like I want you to know everything.”
They stared into each other’s eyes, not speaking but sharing something that went beyond words and then she leaned forward and kissed him.
*
Lainey knew wherethis kiss was leading and she didn’t shy away from it. She wanted this with him more than anything else. She’s spent most of her life seeking adventure, but in her heart, she knew nothing she had seen or would ever see would touch her the way this man did when he looked at her the way he was then.
She wrapped her arms around his waist and whispered to him.
“Please, Julian. Show me everything.” She was unsure what exactly to ask for but was certain he took her meaning. He didn’t refuse or seem shocked by her request, but he did back away, a bit of sadness returning to his lovely eyes.
“Before this goes any further, I must tell you something. It is very important you understand.”
“All right. What is it?” she asked, worried about his seriousness.
“I cannot marry you.”
She stepped back and studied his reaction. She had not asked for marriage. Had not assumed or even hinted. But somehow hearing him make such a statement hurt.
She stood straighter, her common response when under attack. But she saw by the pain in his own eyes that he did not intend to wound her.
“It is not that I wouldn’t want to. My dead father threatens my most profitable properties if I do not wed a proper lady by my thirtieth birthday. More important than the money, are the mines I currently own. They would be turned over to a man who will surely put them back to the way they had been when I took over the title. It wasn’t safe. There were children working all day. Their homes were unfit and they barely had enough to eat. I can’t allow that to happen. Those people are my responsibility. Their safety and wellbeing are important to me. Which means I have to concede to his wishes.”
He let out a breath as if in defeat.
“I have until the end of May to find a wife. And not just any wife. My father has someone appointed to approve the woman I choose. I know my father’s definition of proper will be someone who has been training to be a lord’s wife her entire life.”
He shook his head.
Lainey suddenly felt as if something she had always wanted had been stolen away from her. But until he had mentioned marriage, she had not even considered such a possibility. Now, though, knowing it couldn’t be, she felt the absence immensely.
“I always planned to do my duty eventually,” he went on. “But it is being thrust upon me and I despise the blighter even more, and I didn’t realize that was possible.” He laughed sadly and shook his head.
“This is why you wanted to come to Egypt?”
“Yes. One grand adventure of my own choosing before I’m forced into the life he has selected for me.” He rubbed his forehead. “I have no choice. Which is exactly how he planned it, I’m sure.”
He pulled away and walked in a circle, clearly agitated as he discussed his father.
“My bastard of a father who has been dead for years continues to control me from beyond the grave. I must marry a proper countess.”
Proper.She honed in on that word.
He swallowed and looked her in the eye. Neither of them needed to say with words what they both knew.
She would never be a proper countess.
“I’m sorry,” she offered because she could see the pain this caused him.
“You’re sorry? You have nothing to apologize for. I should have told you sooner. Before I’d kissed you. Before I’d touched you. But I am at least honorable enough to bring a halt to this before it goes too far. I will not take your virtue knowing I cannot offer marriage.”
She shook her head.
“I would never force you to marry me. Especially now that I know what you stand to lose if you did.”
“But what I would gain…” He looked away and shook his head furiously. “The man never approved of anything I did. Never a kind word of praise. Not one murmur of encouragement. And now he will take this from me too. Take you from me.”
Seeing his anguish and hearing his words of regret steeled her decision.
She leaned up to kiss him, the touch of her lips calmed him instantly. She pulled away to look into the blue depths of his gaze.
“Take me to your quarters, Julian.”
He blinked and his brows pulled together.
Making sure he understood exactly what she planned, she swallowed before saying, “Make love to me.”
“I cannot. I won’t do that to you.”
“You wanted to come to Egypt to gain an experience you will never have again. I granted it. I am asking only for the same thing. I am three and twenty with no future prospects. I am asking you to give me this experience that I will never have again, so I too can have my own memory to treasure.”
He looked miserably torn as he studied her face, his eyes flickering back and forth as if he was looking for something to dispute her words. He wouldn’t find anything because she was resolved to this course.
She wanted him. Even knowing it would not result in a future with him.
“We only have now, Julian. Let’s not waste it.”
Her words seemed to unlock something inside of him and when he pulled her against him and kissed her, she realized he had been restraining much of his passion until now.
He pulled back, his breathing already ragged.
“I want to do the honorable thing and refuse, but you are not an impressionable maid. I have to trust that you know what you want.”
“I do know. I want this.”
“Then what right do I have to think I know what is better for you? I would be as bad as my sire dictating my will on others.”
She nodded.
“I will take precautions, Lainey, but are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes. I understand.”
“Then lead the way.”