Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lainey knew she needed to wake up. She was surely late for something or had someplace she needed to be. But she was so comfortable in her bed.
Especially when Julian whispered to her.
Except when she focused on his words, she realized he was upset as he begged her to open her eyes and wake up.
Every few moments, his voice would take a hard edge as he demanded she wake up rather than asked her to.
If for no other reason than to remind him she didn’t take orders from anyone, she attempted to open her eyes. It was more difficult than she’d expected and as she tried, she realized her head hurt a great deal.
She tried moving it from side to side and decided that was not a good thing at the moment. It seemed her head hurt on the outside as well as the inside.
And she was thirsty. It happened often in the desert. It was why she was always careful to make sure she drank plenty of water.
Had she not drunk anything today? The only way to know for sure was to wake up.
After it was decided, she made a valiant attempt to raise her eyelids. After a few attempts they opened enough for her to see the man sitting next to her bed.
Julian.
She knew something was wrong by his expression alone. He looked like he’d been awake for months. But somehow was as incredibly handsome even in that state.
“Elaina,” he whispered, relief clear in his voice. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m thirsty and my head hurts.” She knew it wasn’t at all ladylike to complain, but he did ask.
In the next breath he was pouring her water and bringing it to her. As she gulped it down, she glanced around the tent to see Aunt Rose and Uncle Henry sleeping nearby.
“What happened?” she asked, unsure what had caused everyone to be in her tent. Clearly, she must have worried everyone.
“You fell from the ladder. I’m so sorry, Elaina. It is all my fault.”
Seeing his hand clench in his hair reminded her of the time in Scotland when he’d worried himself into a panic. He was not far from that now.
“I am fine, Julian. And it is not your fault. You cannot be responsible for gravity. It happens.”
“I should have protected you.”
“Julian.” She reached for him and took his hand in hers giving it what she hoped was a reassuring squeeze. “I do not blame you for what happened. Please stop blaming yourself. We all know the risks when we climb a ladder. Look at me,” she said when she noticed he was looking everywhere but at her directly.
When his gaze met hers, she rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand.
“See? I’m fine.”
He nodded unconvincingly.
“You say it. Say I’m fine,” she ordered.
He winced and took a breath before nodding.
“Yes. You’re fine. You must be for you are bossing me around as you always do.”
She laughed as he laced his fingers through hers and raised her hand to place a kiss to the inside of her wrist.
“Better?” she asked.
“How horrible that you feel the need to tend to me when you are the one that was injured. How difficult I am, I’m so sorry, Lainey.”
“You don’t need to apologize for who you are, Julian. Not to me. Not ever.”
“I did carry you all the way from the site to your tent in a rather heroic way,” he said with that devilish smile.
She knew how he reverted to humor when he was uncomfortable and didn’t know how to handle certain situations. She smiled.
“You are quite the knight in shining armor. I am so very lucky to have allowed you to come on this expedition so you were here to save me.”
“Perhaps you would like to reward me with a kiss, my lady?”
They both glanced over to her aunt and uncle before leaning closer and kissing. He pulled away at the sound of shifting fabric. But Rose and Henry were still sleeping.
“You should know that your aunt and uncle saw me during one of my episodes after you fell.”
His frown looked out of place on his always smiling lips. But of course, he was a human man. He couldn’t be happy all the time. Regardless of what he showed the world.
It made her feel closer to him, that he would show her this other side. The real Julian.
“Don’t fear. They wouldn’t judge you for being upset.”
“Oh, I don’t worry that they are judging me. I think they are judging your sanity for agreeing to bring me on this trip.”
It was said as a jest, but she heard the truth and worry behind his words.
“There is nothing wrong with you, Julian,” she said with genuine rightness.
He glanced over at her with a different kind of worry.
“No, Lainey. Don’t make me say it. I won’t.”
“Say there is nothing wrong with you.”
“I just said I won’t. I can’t. It’s not true.”
“It is true.”
“The way breath leaves my body but I can’t seem to remember how to bring it back in? My heart pounding so fiercely I fear it might break free of my chest and flop about on the ground? The sweat that beads no matter how cold I feel on the inside? No. That is not normal. Saying so would be a lie.”
“Very well. Perhaps, it’s not normal. But you are not the only person that suffers such things. I feel similar whenever I hear horse’s hooves and carriage wheels echo on the wooden planks of a bridge. And it makes no sense because I could swear I was asleep when the accident occurred. I only woke when we hit the water. So why would that sound evoke such a reaction?”
He shook his head, silently admitting he didn’t have an answer.
“What we can do is accept it. Can you say you accept it instead?”
He studied her face for a moment before turning the question back on her.
“Do you accept it?”
“Yes. I’ve been this way since I was eleven.”
Another small shake of his head.
“No. I meant… That is… Do you accept me?”
Her heart ached for this man who wanted only this simple thing. To be accepted. And to think his own father had refused this small request over and over. Causing these scars that might never heal.
How she wanted to help heal his pain.
She smiled and told him the truth of her heart.
“Yes.”
He needed no more than that single word to bring the smile back to his face.
“Very well then, I will just have to hope your aunt and uncle don’t throw you from the team for your poor selection.”
“I doubt I will be dismissed. They do love me, you know.”
“Yes, it is clear that they do.” A hint of sadness returned to his words.
“I have been rather fortunate to have two families in my lifetime. Both with people who have loved me without me having to do anything. I’ve never even thought of it. It just seemed the way families behaved. But I am sorry you did not have that. I don’t pity you, for you have turned into a fine man, a kind man, who deserves no one’s pity. But I do wish you had experienced what I did.”
“Perhaps if I had been doted on all my life, I would have turned into a right blighter no one could force themselves to withstand. Everything works out as it should in the end. Do you believe that?”
“Yes,” she answered with a bit of hesitation. She normally did believe things had a way of working out for the best. Except, this man’s destiny was written out, and it didn’t include her.
She didn’t know how that could ever be the right thing.
*
Despite his concerns,Elaina was back working on the site the next day. Though Julian had at least managed to keep her off the ladder by pleading she would kill him if she fell again. He kept a watchful eye on her and enjoyed the faces she made when she caught him.
“I am fine, as I’ve told you several times,” she said.
“And I worry for the smallest of reasons as you well know, so your assurances are a waste of your precious breath.”
She smiled and looked around as if confirming they were alone. He had already done as much himself.
“Perhaps a kiss would go further to reassure you.”
Julian pressed a kiss to Lainey’s lips. A simple gesture of thanks for understanding him. Accepting him.
Kissing her, even in such a chaste way, seemed to make his feelings for her grow even more so than when they were intimate. Not that they had been the night before. He preferred to just hold her after what had happened.
It was, perhaps, a different kind of intimacy. Not sexual, but more in some other way.
He’d never felt so connected to another person. So comfortable. He could tell her anything. Perhaps even things he should keep to himself.
But she never backed down from telling him how she felt either. He would give her the same courtesy.
And he felt…
Either he didn’t know, or feared putting a formal word to it. Or maybe it was more powerful to leave it the way it was.
He felt.
He cared deeply for his friends. He’d felt a glow of warmth in his chest the first time he’d held Baby Verona. It had been the easiest thing to echo her parents’ love and want the best life had to offer on her behalf.
He’d nearly had one of his attacks when Hale had asked Julian to be his daughter’s godfather. It seemed a terribly difficult thing. But as he considered—for the three and half minutes it had taken him to reply—he knew he would see to her happiness. The rest of it would be dealt with, but he felt he had the most essential piece worked out already. Love.
So, he’d said yes. And then evoked a promise from the man that he would take care with his life so Julian wouldn’t be called upon to take over.
That night Julian had wondered what had been wrong with his own father. For if it was so easily done to love a child, even one not of his blood, why couldn’t his father have loved him?
Shaking away the maudlin thoughts and unanswerable questions, Julian pressed a kiss to Lainey’s knuckles.
“Thank you, Lainey.”
“You may not want to thank me yet. I have a bit of work lined up for you today.” She offered her saucy grin he so much enjoyed when they were alone.
He appreciated the way she knew when to push him, and when to let the mood lighten.
“I am your humble servant. Please show me what heinous task you have set out for me.”
She giggled evilly and rubbed her palms together in a sinister way, which made him laugh.
It was at that moment he admitted to himself that he was in love with Elaina Bantham.
“Please hold this lantern while I collect a sample of this engraving,” she said while handing him the light. As if he would complain that holding a lantern was too lowly a job for an earl. She must know him better than that by now.
“Closer,” she said, her breath caressing his ear because they were already quite close.
“I’m not sure how much closer you wish me to get, but if we don’t stop now, I can’t speak as to what might happen in this empty tomb with all the pharaoh’s creatures watching us.” He nodded toward the drawings of sphynx and gods in the form of dogs.
“Very well. Hold the light closer and allow me to finish this, so we will be free to sneak off later.”
“Of course.” He shifted so he could both hold the light closer as she’d requested, but also hold an edge of the paper she was using to create the rub.
It seemed an odd moment for an earl to be standing there in an ancient tomb thousands of miles from England so close to an untitled woman wearing men’s breeches so he could do something so mundane as hold the light closer so she could work.
He absolutely loved every moment.
Julian had become quite comfortable with his tasks on the dig. He knew the most efficient way to use each tool and what each was called. But most importantly, he felt like he belonged.
He wasn’t the least bit disappointed that they hadn’t found many artifacts to uncover. The region had been ravaged for years, decades, and centuries. It was rare to find anything of extreme value. The occasional piece of pottery or painted stone. Ben had been elated to find some scraps of fabric and Elaina had even found a bone. But no golden statue or sarcophagus had been uncovered.
He wasn’t surprised to realize he didn’t care if he found anything or not. It was about the adventure of being here rather than discovering great riches.
After all, riches were measured differently for everyone and as he held the light and watched Elaina focus on her task so intently her tongue peeked out in concentration, he knew she was the greatest treasure of all.
And one he wouldn’t be allowed to keep for himself. No matter how much he might want to.