Chapter Nineteen
Darius blinked, his vision blurry, his head pounding. His mouth felt like he’d eaten cotton, and as he tried to focus, the light streaming in the windows sent shooting pain through head. He grabbed it with both hands as he closed his eyes. “The devil take me.”
“Sorry, old chap. Even the devil doesn’t want you.”
He snapped his eyes open and then wished he hadn’t, but forced himself to turn his head. Anthony stood by the fireplace in the converted bathhouse. “Bloody hell. What are you doing here? How did you find me? And why the hell does my head feel like I’ve been to hell and back?”
Anthony had the nerve to chuckle, but at least he did so softly.
“You must be hurting if you use the word hell three times. Let me see if I can help clarify a few things for you. I’m here in this rather interesting billet because Archer sought me out and brought me here.
I was on my way to spend Christmastide with you, as you had invited us.
Lissa and I were at an inn a couple of towns away. ”
Darius frowned as he tried to remember Anthony arriving, which didn’t help the pain, so he stopped. “And my head?”
“From what I understand, your wife discovered you here the night before last. When you went after her, you got into an argument with Archer and hit him. He hit you in return, only you fell back, and your head slammed against a rock. When you didn’t wake up after a few hours, Archer grew concerned.
He conferred with your butler, and it was determined they must seek me out, which is why I’m here. ”
Some of Darius’s memory rushed back, causing him to moan with both emotional and physical pain. “I have to see my wife.” He sat up, and the room started to spin.
“Whoa, there.” Anthony’s hand was suddenly on his shoulder. “You’re not ready to move yet.”
“Then you bloody well better get me a bucket if you don’t want me to relieve myself on you.”
His brother’s hand immediately lifted, and in short order Darius was able to take care of his immediate bodily needs, which included tea and poached eggs with toast. He didn’t eat a lot, as his stomach didn’t seem to want much despite his unintended fast. But the tea seemed to lessen his head pains slightly.
He set his teacup down on the table next to the wingback chair Archer usually sat in. Since he couldn’t remember why he’d hit the gamekeeper, he couldn’t well blame the man. “I wish I could remember what happened.”
Anthony, who now sat on the settee, leaned his elbows on his thighs. “Lissa said you have a concussion, so you may have some gaps in your memory, but it’s only temporary until the swelling goes down.”
Darius felt the back of his head and winced as he encountered a bump.
“I remember Ellie coming here. I have no idea how she found me, but she thought I had a mistress. She kept wanting to know why I was here. I told her to leave, but when she did, I had to get her back.” He started to shake his head then thought better of it.
“I don’t remember what happened after I ran out of here.
” His chest tightened at what he’d had and what he’d now lost. “All I know is I have to go to her. I can’t have her despising me. ”
He rose. The room wobbled.
“Darius, no.” Anthony stood too. “You were always frantic after a black mood, immediately wanting to fix things. I only saw them come upon you twice before you moved here to take over Hawthorne Park. Both times, after you became more yourself, you were anxious about everything.”
“Became more myself? I don’t even know who I am since these started.
” Darius sank back into the chair. “I’m not like you, confident in doing whatever you wish and not caring about what others think or even what your family thinks.
” He’d always looked down upon Anthony’s penchant for flitting about—yet even after marrying, he and his wife continued to do secret investigations for various peers.
Anthony laughed. “Be like me? On no, brother. I thought I was expendable, being the fourth son. It was Mother who told me I had the freedom to do and be whatever and whoever I liked. Since I found gambling boring and horse breeding predictable, I had to search for what my life was meant for. It wasn’t until I stepped in when a village lad was being beaten upon by a few Eton boys that I understood I was meant to help people.
If you don’t know who you are, then you can decide who you want to be. You’re a tabula rasa.”
Darius gripped the arms of the chair, needing to do something but having no direction.
“I’m hardly that. I have to be the heir—I can’t choose.
My life is set before me. I have produced an heir and must have additional sons to ensure our line continues.
” And he wanted more than anything to continue the line with Ellie by his side, but how could he fix what he’d done?
Anthony finally sat again. “Then we know two things about you. You’re not like Lord Durham, who is squandering away his inheritance frequenting the gaming hells. You’re responsible. You care about those who depend upon you.”
“Yes. And I need to get back to my wife and explain, or at least tell her something. I must make my children’s first proper Christmastide a happy one.
” He stood quickly. This time the room tilted so much that he fell back into the chair.
His stomach didn’t like the feeling either, and he took deep breaths, hoping not to embarrass himself before his little brother by vomiting.
“You can’t. Not yet. I don’t know why you’re cursed with these black moods and subsequent agitated periods, but Lissa thinks they may be due to a physical anomaly.”
“Lissa thinks? What does she know about the body?” Darius paused. “And how does she know I have a concussion?” If she was wrong, he might be able to get to Ellie before dark.
“I forget that your most recent marriage did not follow the usual courtship.” Anthony rose again before going to the sideboard and bringing back the teapot, refilling Darius’s cup.
“My wife, like yours, attended the Belinda School for Curious Ladies. There, as part of their first-year curriculum, they were educated on the human body and how to attend to illnesses, broken bones, diseases, and even sword and gunshot wounds. You see, the Duchess of Northwick has a strong and distinct dislike of physicians. The reason behind that is a far longer tale, but she ensures that all the ladies have these skills, and they are sworn to send for her if what they encounter is beyond their abilities. Under no scenario are they to send for a physician.”
Even as Anthony explained, Darius remembered the confidence with which Ellie had attended to Peter not once, but twice, as well as her insistence that no physician be called, but Lady Northwick could be if needed.
Still, it was such an unusual phenomenon that he couldn’t help sharing his doubt.
“And do we know if the duchess has any skill in this area? From my one meeting with her, it appears her interest was more of the intellectual pursuit as opposed to the practical application.”
Anthony, who had returned the teapot to the sideboard, grinned. “Because she saved my life after I was shot and bleeding to death.”
“What? You were shot? Where? When?” The fact that his brother, who was always too full of life for his own staid views, could have died had Darius’s stomach clenching for a far more serious reason than standing.
“Not to worry. As you see, I am quite fine now, but it wasn’t a sure thing.
I was shot by a former soldier while attending my captain’s wedding, or rather the Viscount of Blackmore’s wedding.
Her Grace is not only well studied but has applied her knowledge, so I am here to tell you today.
That is to say, if my wife or your wife tell you what to do based on whatever malady you have, you should listen. ”
He was still imagining his life without Anthony and the agony that would be, when he realized he would never have married Ellie if not for the duchess’s skills.
“Then what you are saying is that no matter how strongly I feel that I must fix my marriage as best I’m able this very moment, I cannot do so now. ”
“Exactly.” Anthony grinned.
“I understand. I am not happy this is the way it has to be, and come tomorrow—” Darius froze, frantic that he’d slept too long. “Tell me, is tomorrow Christmas Day?”
“It is.”
That meant the yule log would be set afire and he would not be there.
The house was even now being decorated with greenery.
Did Ellie have the children helping? Was she with the children at all, or was she so furious with him that she had no desire to be in their company?
At that thought, a memory of the hurt in her gaze resurfaced, and he groaned.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked at his brother. “I hurt her. And then I didn’t explain why. The mood was still upon me, and I tried so hard not to say the wrong thing, but I know she feels betrayed.”
Anthony’s blue gaze didn’t leave him. “Why did you not tell her of your black moods? Surely you didn’t think you could hide it from her for the rest of your life?”
“When you have these, you don’t think your life will be very long. So yes, I thought to hide them from her until that time.”
His brother’s face paled considerably. “Then they have become worse.”
Darius started to nod, then stopped. “Yes.”
“I had feared so when you requested a wife. Now that she knows, will you tell her the truth?”
Would he? “I told Dinah, and it ended all communication I had with her. She called me a madman. I call myself a monster. I’m not sure I could bear what Ellie might call me.
” He paused, not sure he could communicate the depth of his feelings.
“Anthony, having seen what life could be like with her, I’m not sure I could continue if I don’t have her. ”
His brother audibly sucked in his breath. “You love her. I didn’t expect that.”
“Neither did I. But she’s everything I could ever want in a wife. More than that, she’s special, unique, and if it weren’t for my damned black moods, we would fit together well, like a bow and arrow.”
Anthony raised his brows. “Truly? I understand she may be lacking in a few areas, though she surpasses expectations in others.”
Anger flashed through Darius so fast that he winced at the throbbing that started in his head. Closing his eyes, he tried to calm himself, but he was already in an agitated state. “She’s perfect.” He opened his eyes, daring his brother to deny it.
“I can see she’s perfect for you. I understand.
There aren’t many women who would be perfect for me, but Lissa is.
Since that is the case, then I suggest you be honest with your wife.
From what Lissa tells me, no one has a more encompassing heart than Ellie.
” Anthony shrugged. “Who knows, she may have suggestions for helping your moods.”
He’d seen the best physicians back when he still lived with his parents, and nothing had helped.
He’d learned to lie to the men of science, so as not to be branded insane, his biggest fear.
No, his biggest fear now was losing Ellie.
“I will tell her. I can no longer lie, as it would hurt her too much to be lied to again. I only hope she will forgive me and not fear me, or worse.”
“What could be worse than your wife fearing you?”
“The woman I love hating me.” Saying it out loud felt like a prophecy of doom, but he refused to follow that train of thought. It was his black moods that had brought him to this, and now, out of their clutches, he was anxious to fight for Ellie, even if she no longer wanted him.
Anthony walked back over to the sideboard and poured two drinks. He returned and handed Darius a brandy.
Darius raised an eyebrow in question.
His younger brother sat on the settee and took a sip from his glass. “We need to strategize your approach, and I think better with a drink.”
Strategize? As he took a cautious sip, Darius felt the anxiousness to fix his problems immediately dull a bit. “I welcome any suggestions.”
Anthony put down his glass. “Lissa told me that your wife used to mother the ladies at their school. Has she taken to your children?”
At the thought of Ellie with Peter and Maggie, he smiled. “She loves them, and they love her. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother for them.”
“Perfect.” Anthony grinned again, an impish light in his blue gaze.
“When you return to the house, visit your children first, especially as it will be Christmas Day. While there, send for your wife. If she sees you first while you are with your children, she won’t be able to yell.
” He lifted his glass again. “And if you’re lucky, it will mellow her mood a bit. ” He took another sip.
Darius pulled his head back, not a little surprised by his brother’s idea. Then again, he couldn’t deny the fact that the man had some valid points, and right now, he was willing to do anything to win Ellie back.