Chapter 19
19
ESME
I stumbled into the bathroom, my head swimming, shoving my way past a group of drunk girls to get to a sink. Bending over, I splashed cold water on my face, then used paper towels to scrub the messy lipstick from my lips and dry my face, uncaring about what was left of my makeup.
What the hell was that ?
Ignoring the other women, I tilted my head to the side, looking for bite marks. But there was nothing there. My wrist, however, still had the faintest markings from his fangs. I watched as they faded before my eyes.
Dios mío . He'd bitten me. He'd taken my blood. Drinking it down like a man who'd just spent weeks in the desert with no water. It really happened. I wasn't losing my mind. Yet, soon there wouldn't be a mark on me that proved it.
I mean, I knew he was a vampire. I KNEW he was, but…
Dios mío…
Grabbing more paper towels, I wet them and went into one of the stalls to clean up the rest of me. The evidence of his cock inside of me was still real enough on the inside of my thighs, and I scrubbed myself clean, taking off my ruined underwear and shoving them into the trash can with shaking hands. Then I turned around, sat down hard on the toilet, and stared blankly at the graffiti on the stall door as I tried to pee.
What the HELL was that ?
Again and again, I repeated the question to myself, but the answer couldn't be found anywhere in the positive quotes and hearts and love letters written in black sharpie on the metal walls and door surrounding me.
"Esme, open the door."
I froze at the sound of Brogan's voice, my heart pounding so loud he must’ve heard it. He'd followed me into the ladies’ room? I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. After what we'd just done...I wasn't sure I could face him. Not yet.
"Esme, please," he said, his voice softer now. "I just want to make sure you're okay."
I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice. "I'm fine," I managed to say, but even I could hear the tremor in the words. "And this is the ladies’ room. It's a sacred space. You shouldn't be in here."
There was a pause, and then he sighed, my feeble attempt at humor lost on him. "No, you're not fine. And I'm sorry for that. I...I don't know what came over me out there. I've never...it's never been like that before." He paused again. "I lost control," he said quietly.
I closed my eyes, remembering the feel of his body against mine, his cock inside me. The way he'd looked at me, like he wanted to devour me. And how he very nearly had.
"Esme, please come out. Let me see you. I need to know you're okay."
There was something in his voice, a raw vulnerability that I'd never heard from him before. It tugged at me like invisible puppet strings. Lifting trembling fingers to my face, I swiped at the silent tears traveling down my cheeks.
Slowly, I stood, fixing my skirt and unlocking the stall door with hands that wouldn't stop shaking. When I stepped out, Brogan was there, his green eyes full of concern as they swept over me. The drunk girls were gone.
"I'm sorry," he said again, taking a step towards me. "Are you really okay?"
"I can't stop shaking," I whispered.
"Fuck." He started to come closer, then changed his mind and leaned back against the wall instead. "You're probably in shock." His fist slammed into the wall behind him, making me jump. Then he held his hands up, palms out, and took a few breaths. "I took too much blood. You need to eat and hydrate and rest."
I nodded, wishing he would hold me.
His brows lowered, and he dropped his arms back down to his sides. "How much did you know about us before you came here? About vampires?"
"Enough," I told him. “And nothing at all, apparently,” I added, thinking about what Lizzy told me.
He ran his eyes over me again, and the silence grew loud between us. "I don't know how…" He trailed off, shaking his head as if he couldn't find the words. I understood though. Because I felt it, too. This thing between us, it was intense and overwhelming and unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
"What are we doing?" I asked softly, needing to know where we stood.
He reached out, his fingers grazing my cheek. "I don't know," he admitted. "But I know that I don't want to stay away from you anymore. I can't."
I leaned into his touch as I breathed in a jagged breath, savoring the feel of his touch against my skin. But even as I accepted this little bit of comfort, I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. Something he was holding back. I could see it in the way his eyes darted away from mine and the tension in his jaw.
Part of me wanted to push, to demand answers. But I was exhausted, physically and emotionally drained from the intensity of what we'd just shared. So I let it go, for now.
"Esme." He said my name softly, his thumb brushing over my cheekbone. "I'm sorry I said those things at Killian's house. Sometimes, words come out of my damn mouth before I think much about what I'm saying. And I’m sorry I ran from you at the club. I’m just…I’m having a hard time processing all of this. You don’t have to keep hiding from me."
I swallowed hard, guilt twisting in my gut. “I’m not hiding, exactly. I’m…” As the true reason I'd stayed away from him came rushing back to me, I stepped back out of reach, panic reinforcing the walls I needed to keep between us. "I don't want to see you anymore," I blurted.
His brows drew together. "What?"
"I don't want to see you anymore, Brogan. I'm leaving New Orleans," I told him, thinking on the fly. "I need a couple of days to wrap up a few things, and then I’m leaving.” It wasn't a lie. The djinn would kill me when I didn't find the book by the end of the week. Time was moving whether I wanted to believe it or not, and I hadn't even started looking.
His expression hardened until I couldn't look at him anymore, my eyes falling to the large blue flowers on his shirt. Why did he wear such silly clothes that made him stand out? Was it really just for the attention?
"Where are you going?"
I blinked, my thoughts scattering, and forced myself to meet his gaze as I steeled my resolve. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that this," I gestured between the two of us, staying carefully apart, "whatever this is between us, it can't happen again."
Brogan's jaw clenched. "Why not? A few minutes ago you couldn't get enough of me. You were begging me to fuck you. Begging me to do more than fuck you."
"That's not fair," I whispered.
He stared me down for a few seconds, a muscle jumping in his jaw. Then he ran a hand through his hair. "What's really going on?"
" Nada, " I answered quickly. Perhaps too quickly. "Nothing."
He tilted his head, his green eyes never leaving my face as he studied me. Something tickled behind my eyes, and it took me a second to realize what it was. "Stop it," I ordered. "Get out of my head, vampire." Please get out of my head. I had no idea how to block a vampire from reading my thoughts.
"You might as well tell me, darlin'. Because we're not leaving this bathroom until you do, even if I have to find out for myself."
"That's an invasion of my privacy."
"I don't give a fuck."
It would be so much easier to give in and tell him, but I couldn't let myself waver. Not when his life was at stake. If I told him about the book, he'd insist on helping me, and I couldn't let him get involved. But maybe I could tell him enough to make him respect my wishes. "We can't be together, Brogan. It's too dangerous."
"Dangerous how?" he demanded, pushing off the wall to step closer to me. "Is this about the djinn? Because I can protect you.” He frowned. “Somehow. But I swear I won't let anything happen to you."
I appreciated his sincerity, but I wasn't stupid, and neither was he. We couldn't win against Marcus, and we both knew it. "You can't protect me from this," I whispered, my voice thick with the tears that I refused to let fall. “You told me so yourself. No one can."
“Please. Talk to me. Let me help you."
I closed my eyes, fighting back tears. "I don't want your help, Brogan. I don't want you involved in any of this."
"Why not?" he asked, frustration evident in his tone.
"Because I don't want you to get hurt!" I burst out, my eyes flying open to meet his. "Don't you get it? Marcus is here. He’s here! And he won’t just come after me. He'll go after anyone I care about. Anyone who tries to help me. I can't let him get to you."
Understanding dawned in Brogan's eyes, followed by a fierce determination. "I'm not afraid of Marcus, Esme. I can take care of myself."
"Then you’re a fool!"
"Es—" He moved closer, reaching for me.
"I'm sorry," I cut him off, taking a step back. "But I can't do this. It's better if we just end things now, before someone gets hurt."
He stared at me for a long moment, a muscle ticking in his jaw. "My life is my own. Not yours. I can decide who's worth risking it for."
I swallowed hard, forcing the words out past the lump in my throat. "This is what I want."
He stared at me long and hard. "You're lying."
I met his piercing gaze briefly before looking away, my heart clenching at the hurt and confusion in his eyes. "I'm not lying," I insisted, even as my voice wavered. "This is for the best."
"For who?" he demanded, leaning toward me and lowering his head to catch my eyes with his. "Because from where I'm standing, it sure as hell doesn't seem like the best thing for either of us."
I shook my head, losing the fight with my heart as tears overflowed and slid down my cheeks. "You don't understand."
"Then make me fucking understand, because I'm not just going to walk away from you without a damn good reason."
I should never have said anything, and I’d almost said too much. I'd never get him to leave now. I needed to think of something else. "I was too scared to tell you no," I lied.
He stilled, raising horrified eyes to mine. "What did you just say?"
I pressed my fingers to my eyes, wiping away the moisture, my resolve nearly crumbling under the intensity of his gaze. This was a horrible thing to do, but it was the only way I could think of to throw him off. "What just happened between us," I began, my voice barely above a whisper. "In the alley..."
His eyes flared wide, and he jerked back as if I'd slapped him. "Esme." My name was little more than a horrified whisper. "Did I hurt you?"
I was about to deny it, but when his eyes caught mine, the intensity of the guilt reflected there told me this was the only way to keep him safe. So instead, I said nothing at all, letting him draw his own conclusions.
Brogan's face crumpled as self-loathing and regret filled him until his shoulders slumped forward and he caved in on himself. It broke my heart to see him like this, to know that I was the one causing him this pain. But I had to do it. I had to push him away, to keep him safe from the danger that followed me like a shadow.
"Esme, I'm so sorry," he whispered, his voice raw with emotion. "I never meant to do anything…I thought you wanted..." His brows drew down.
My own guilt twisted inside of me. Brogan was a good male. And I was breaking him. It took everything I had within me to keep up the facade.
"I…" He trailed off, dropping his eyes to the floor between us.
And then, before he could say another word, I pushed past him and walked out of the bathroom, leaving him behind.
As I stepped out into the crowded club, the music pounding in my ears, I felt like I was moving in a dream. Everything was distant and muffled by the roaring in my head, like I was swimming underwater. I pushed my way through the throng of bodies, forgetting to grab my jacket from the coat check, barely aware of where I was going. All I knew was that I needed to get out of there, to put as much distance between myself and Brogan as possible.
When I finally stumbled out into the cool night air, I only made it a block away before I veered into an alley. There, I leaned against the rough brick wall beside an overflowing trash bin, gasping for breath and fighting the nausea roiling in my stomach. Hot tears streamed down my face, blurring my vision, but I didn't bother to wipe them away. What was the point? There was no one here to see me fall apart, and even if there was, no one would care.
I slid down the wall until my butt hit the dirty pavement, scraping the skin on my back even more, and pulled my knees to my chest. Guilt pressed down on me like a physical force, and I buried my face in my hands and let the sobs come.