Chapter 13 #2
I was flirting with danger. And Jasper’s question was a powerful reminder of everything that was at stake. Kai. My family. Jasper’s family. At the end of the day, I could want Jasper, but I couldn’t have him. Not in any meaningful way.
I cleared my throat. “Definitely. I like how simple it is. He could do it anywhere, at any time.”
“Precisely.”
Do you have any others?” I asked, needing to distract myself while keeping the focus firmly on my son.
Kai was a huge reason why I needed to maintain my distance from Jasper. Even if everything in me wanted to beg for more.
“You can do the 5-4-3-2-1 method.” Which Jasper explained as a grounding exercise using the five senses. “But here’s a condensed version. What’s one thing you smell?”
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “I smell…cookies.” I furrowed my brow. “No, almond extract. That’s what it smells like. Like the cookies my mom makes every Christmas.” Like home.
Jasper’s dark chuckle threaded through me, lighting me up, not allowing me to dwell on thoughts of my parents or how different Christmas might be this year.
“That’s my soap.”
My eyes popped open. “You—” I cleared my throat, quickly trying to backtrack and cover my misstep. “I mean, it smells good.”
The corner of his mouth twitched. “What’s one thing you feel?”
I was tempted to mention the soothing warmth and weight of his jacket wrapped around me, but I was determined to get back on track. So instead, I said, “The cold, hard concrete beneath my ass.”
“Agreed. These stairs were not designed for comfort.”
“Definitely not.” I wiggled a little, trying to get comfortable. My body was sore from sitting so long on the chilly surface. “God.” I groaned. “I hope we aren’t stuck in here all night.”
“What’s one thing you taste?” Jasper asked, perhaps in a bid to distract me.
I tried to concentrate on the exercise. There was nothing I could do about our predicament, and stressing about it wasn’t going to help. “The lingering sweetness of the chocolate from your protein bar.”
“What’s one thing you see?” Jasper asked.
I took a moment to scan my surroundings. Gray walls. Gray floor. Black railing. I turned my attention to Jasper, allowing myself a moment to look at him. Really look at him.
I’d been so intent to avoid gawking at him all night that it was nice to finally take him in.
His top button was undone, his bow tie loose around his neck.
His black pants had a nice sheen to them, and I followed the line of his legs until I reached his ankles.
I smiled at the sight of his socks, which were peeking out from beneath the hem.
“Dragonflies,” I said, barely realizing I’d spoken the word aloud. “In honor of your gran?”
He nodded, and I fell a little harder. The man had selected his socks because of his grandmother. And then he leaned in so that his arm brushed against mine, his breath caressing my ear when he whispered, “What’s one thing you hear?”
My heartbeat. It was pumping so hard, I was surprised he couldn’t hear it too.
I turned my head to face him, which had the effect of putting our lips mere inches apart. I wanted to kiss him. He cupped my cheek, and I closed my eyes, reveling in his touch.
And then the music from the party shifted, swelling as the crowd let out a loud cheer.
I opened my eyes and leaned away, reality encroaching on the moment.
“I hear—” I laughed, though nothing about this situation was funny.
I was stuck in the stairwell with the man I was trying to avoid being alone with.
If that wasn’t a metaphor for my life lately, I didn’t know what was. “The music from the party.”
I held his gaze, and then I took a breath and forced myself to stand. To put some much-needed space between us.
But I wobbled, only then realizing that my leg had fallen asleep. Before I could grab the railing, Jasper was there, supporting me.
“You okay?” he asked.
I glanced up at him, and my breath caught.
Jasper was hot, yes. But he had this way of looking at you, of seeing you. And when he gave someone his full attention, well… My heart fluttered just thinking about it. I’d never felt as beautiful or as smart or as incredible as I did when I was with Jasper.
“Yeah. I’m good.” I pressed myself into the corner, letting the concrete hold me up. “Thanks. I wonder who’s on the auction block now.”
“Fortunately, not me,” he groused.
“Why agree to participate if you didn’t want to?”
He frowned. “Because it was Kendall’s first year on the steering committee, and I wanted to show my support.”
“That’s really nice of you,” I said. “And I wouldn’t stress too much about it. Your assistant can arrange everything, and besides, everyone knows it’s not a real date. It’s a chance to spend the evening with a celebrity or a billionaire. To show off.”
“You think the woman who purchased me doesn’t expect to be debauched in addition to being wined and dined?” He sounded bitter.
My eyes widened. “Does she?”
He stood, dragging a hand through his hair. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she suggested something to that effect, if she tried something.”
I knew Jasper probably had gorgeous women throwing themselves at him all the time, but I felt as if I might be sick. But then I remembered all the times Sloan had mentioned Jasper’s latest flavor of the moment, and the idea of him spending the evening with another woman made me irrationally angry.
“You are LA’s billionaire bachelor,” I teased, though it wasn’t funny. At least, not to me.
“First of all, my reputation was exaggerated,” he said in a bored tone, though I sensed that my accusations had needled him. “But even if it weren’t, that’s not who I am. Not anymore. I haven’t been with anyone since last summer.”
Was he saying what I thought he was? And why did I care so much? It wasn’t like it changed anything.
And yet, I still found myself seeking confirmation. “No one?”
He shook his head, his eyes locked on mine as he inched closer. “No one.”
“Why?” I leaned toward him, my body drawn to him like a magnet.
But also, why was I torturing myself? This couldn’t lead anywhere, but something about being trapped in this stairwell made it easier to ignore that. It had me forgetting about my job, the company, everyone who was relying on me. It was just Jasper and me.
He gave me a look. “You know why.”
“I want to hear you say it.” My voice was breathy, my heart fluttering madly.
He arched an eyebrow, challenging me. “You sure about that?”
Yes. No. Ugh. I’d never been so torn between doing what I wanted and what was right.
Nothing felt “right” anymore. Trying to be professional with Jasper felt stiff and unnatural. Keeping him at arm’s length was even worse. Wanting him was the only thing that made sense, and yet…it was the one thing that wasn’t an option.
“Halle?” he asked, closing the remaining distance between us until I was backed into a corner—both literally and figuratively.
I was so tired. Tired of shouldering all the responsibility. Tired of doing the right thing. Tired of denying myself the one person who could give me comfort.
Getting trapped with Jasper in the stairwell had reminded me of how happy I’d been. How supported I’d felt. It might have been a fling, and yet I’d never had a partner who had made me feel more seen—in or out of the bedroom.
Last summer when he’d been in London, he’d always make sure to have a coffee waiting for me at the office. He’d not only listened to my opinion but sought it out on matters that affected the company. And he’d worshipped my body, always putting my wants and needs before his own.
My body said to go for it. My heart said to be careful. Since moving to LA, I’d been listening to my brain, but maybe it was time to start trusting my gut like Jasper had suggested.
So instead of fighting it like I usually would, I said, “Yes.” The word was a wisp of air, a promise, a plea.
He smelled so good. Like almond extract and vanilla and…bourbon. It was somehow both light and masculine. And it reminded me of all the times in the past I’d been in his arms, in his bed.
“What happened to being professional?” he asked.
I’d been fooling myself all along.
I sighed. “I’m not sure I know how to do that with you. Not anymore anyway.”
“Meaning?” His voice was gravelly, and I could feel the heat radiating off his body.
I was so tired of being professional. Of pretending I felt nothing for him when he made me feel everything.
He was going to make me say it, wasn’t he?
“I’m so tired of fighting this.” I dropped my head to my chest, feeling defeated.
He shuffled even closer, his shoes coming into view. “And I don’t want what we had last summer.”
My heart went into a free fall, my stomach swooping. How had I so misread the situation?
But then his hand was beneath my chin, lifting. “You said you weren’t in the best place mentally. I don’t want to be an escape or a regret.”
“What?” I gasped. “No. I could never regret our time together. Is that what you think?”
He studied me intently, his eyes searching mine, as if seeking the truth. I hated that I’d ever made him question how I felt about him.
“Jasper.” I placed my hands on his cheeks, desperate to reassure him. Even if this didn’t go any further, I needed him to know. “You were the one thing that kept me going. The one thing that got me through.”
How could I regret the only thing that had kept me sane when my world had been spinning apart?
“What do you want from me, Halle?” I could hear the anguish in his voice, and it gutted me. Because I felt it too. I felt torn between doing what was best for everyone else and what was right for me. “Because I’ve been here, waiting for you.”
The bridge of my nose stung, and I hadn’t realized how badly I’d been holding on to hope. I’d told myself time and again that we were over. Done. But after all this time apart, his words were a balm to my soul.
“And I will keep waiting for you if that’s what you need.” He rested his forehead against mine, one hand curling around the curve of my waist. “But I don’t want what we had before. I want to know that you’re all in.”