Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Ishifted on the step, the cold concrete hard and unrelenting. “I think anyone who’s experienced devastating news or loss knows that grief can make you do things you might not ordinarily.” I kept my eyes on the floor. “I know that was certainly the case for me last summer.”
I was thrown back to a memory from my summer with Jasper. One of the bright spots in an otherwise dark time.
“Stay the night.” Jasper dotted kisses up my spine.
We’d spent the day in bed, kissing, laughing, exploring each other’s bodies. It had been glorious, but he was going home to LA tomorrow. And I was going back to reality.
Back to the office, where my boss, his sister, was in charge.
Back to the real world, where I didn’t have flings with billionaire hotel moguls who also happened to be my boss’s brother. I was responsible and professional, and I didn’t make reckless decisions that could ruin everything.
I sighed. “I can’t. You know I can’t.”
Even if I wanted to. God, how I wanted to stay. To avoid reality for a little longer.
My dad had been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and these past few weeks with Jasper had been the only thing keeping me sane. Jasper had been my escape. My salvation.
“Because of Kai.”
And my dad, I thought. But I didn’t want to think about that. Not now. Not when Jasper’s hands were still caressing my skin. Not when our naked bodies were intertwined.
I nodded. It was true—I needed to get home to Kai. But it wasn’t the full truth.
There was no way Jasper and I could be together in the real world. And spending the night with him was merely prolonging the inevitable.
“I just…” He sighed, his fingers tracing mine. “I don’t want this to end. Not when it feels like the start of something…”
I kissed him. I would always wonder what he’d wanted to say, but I couldn’t bear to hear it. So I’d kissed him.
Passionately. Deeply. Pouring everything I felt into that kiss.
Devastating. The man was absolutely devastating.
What had started out as a way to escape reality, to numb the pain, had turned into something else entirely.
When I pulled back, Jasper opened his mouth to speak. I cupped his cheek and shook my head, hoping he’d understand.
This had already gone on long enough. It had to end.
“Last summer?” Jasper’s question was an echo, and I could see a million questions swimming in his bottomless eyes.
“Last summer, after my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I wasn’t in the best place mentally. Honestly, there are still many days that I struggle.”
He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry. The grief will always be there, but with time, it will get easier.”
He gave my hand a squeeze before releasing me. I felt the loss of his touch, his warmth. He leaned back to rest his elbows on the step behind him.
I clutched his jacket to me, its scent familiar and calming. I’d forgotten what it was like to be enveloped by him, and I ached to hold him after his earlier confession. I ached to be held by him, to feel that comfort and warmth and protection that he so willingly gave.
“And your fears? How did you get past them?” I asked. “Or did you?”
“There are times it still affects me. Not to the extent it once did. But grounding myself in the present always helps. It reminds me that I can’t control life, but I can appreciate the time I have with loved ones. Focusing on sensory details or doing mindfulness exercises helps.”
“I can see that. You’re always so aware of your environment and putting people at ease.”
He smiled at that, and my heart lifted a little. He’d been through so much; all of them had. But it also made me admire him even more. He was strong and resilient, but he wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable.
“Connection also helps center me, touch. Adopting Rosie has been a game changer. I used to spend a lot of time with Graham’s Irish wolfhounds, and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed having a companion to come home to.”
“And Graham?”
He kicked at a piece of lint on the stairs. “Yeah. I miss him too.”
It was the first time he’d admitted as much, but I wasn’t surprised. Jasper and Graham might be as different as night and day, but they had an unshakable bond.
“I’m sure he misses you as well.”
Jasper’s expression turned more serious. “Not likely. He’s so busy with Lily and the chateau and the new Fleur-de-lis line of properties.”
“You’re busy too,” I said. “And yet you still miss him.”
Jasper tilted his head, seeming to consider my words. “True.”
“And I know Sloan hates that she couldn’t be here tonight,” I said, seeing an opening to remind Jasper that his family loved him. Supported him.
“I know.” He sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “She texted me earlier, wishing me luck tonight.”
“Oh. That reminds me.” I pulled out my phone. Still no service. “Kai asked me to show you this.”
I pulled up the photo Kai had texted me, grinning at the sight of my son. He was holding Rosie, and he was laughing as she licked his face.
“Adorable.” Jasper smiled down at the photo, his expression full of fondness. “He’s a good kid. You’re doing a great job.”
“Thank you,” I said, touched by his compliment. “Though I might have to hit you up for some tricks. You got him to make his bed without me asking. And now, he’s taking on the responsibility of watching Rosie.”
“It’s all him,” Jasper said.
“The only downside is that he’s always wanted a dog. And now he’s going to be begging me for one.”
“Well, he now has hands-on experience with caring for a pet.”
I glared at him. “Hey! Whose side are you on?” I teased.
“What?” He shrugged. “Rosie loves Kai.”
“Yeah, but—” I tucked my phone back in my pocket “—what happens when we move out?”
“Did you find somewhere?”
I shook my head. “I’ve been too busy to even look.” Alexis had sent me several listings and offered to set up some showings, but I hadn’t had time.
“Well, until then, he’s welcome to hang out with Rosie as much as he wants. And even after. He can always hang out with Rosie.”
“Thank you. She’s been a ray of sunshine for both of us, especially with everything that’s been going on with my dad.”
“I’m glad,” Jasper said. “I’ve been meaning to ask how your dad has been, but I didn’t want to overstep.”
I smiled sadly. “My mom finally agreed to move him to a facility, which is good.”
Fortunately, the increased pay from my temporary promotion would help alleviate some of the stress, but it still wouldn’t be enough to relieve the constant pressure I felt in my chest. Though most of that was due more to my dad’s situation, rather than the financial aspects.
It wouldn’t matter if I had as much money as Jasper—nothing would reverse time and the effects of Dad’s disease.
“But honestly, it’s been hard. Every time we talk, I never know how much he’s going to remember.
I moved to LA so I could be closer to help and to let Kai spend time with his grandparents while he can.
We visited over Christmas, but it feels like so much has already changed since then.
And I don’t want to wait much longer to visit again. ”
I straightened, trying not to get choked up at the thought that the day might come when my dad might not even remember his grandson.
“What does Kai say about all of it?”
I lifted a shoulder. “I’ve tried to shield him from it as much as possible, but I can’t completely hide my dad’s confusion.”
Jasper nodded, and I realized I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. It was too depressing.
“You mentioned mindfulness exercises earlier,” I said, eager to change topics. “Can you give me some basic examples? Ones that might work for a five-year-old.”
“Mindfulness is all about grounding yourself in the present. You could try finger breathing.”
“What’s finger breathing?” I asked.
“I’ll show you.” He held out his hand.
I hesitated a moment. He smirked. I cocked my head. It was almost as if we were playing a game of chicken, and I couldn’t help but bite back a smile.
Finally relenting, I placed my hand in his. He slid his hand down to my wrist, and I tried to fight the response his touch had provoked. Heat. A shiver of desire. Something settling deeper within my core.
With his fingers around my wrist, he positioned me so my fingers pointed toward the ceiling. He used the index finger of his other hand to trace up the outside of my thumb, eliciting another shiver.
“Each time my finger traces up your finger, breathe in,” he said, pausing at the tip of my thumb, waiting for me to do so.
I inhaled a shaky breath, every single cell—no, every single atom—focused on the point of connection.
“Now, exhale,” he said, followed by another shaky breath out from me as he traced down the opposite side of my finger.
“Good,” he coaxed, his voice liquid honey. “And breathe in.”
Up my index finger he went, and when he paused at the tip of my finger, I finally lifted my gaze to his. I licked my lips, and his eyes tracked the movement. His nostrils flared, and when his eyes met mine again, they were hooded.
“Breathe out,” he rasped, sliding his finger down the other side of mine. “Focus on your breath.” He ascended my middle finger. Another breath. Another pause. My heart felt as if it might beat out of my chest. Another descent.
As he traced up my ring finger, he said, “Focus on the feel of my finger tracing yours.”
I had no problem focusing on the feel of his skin on mine. I was, however, struggling to remember why this was a bad idea.
Finally, he finished with my pinkie finger, slowly releasing my hand. “Feel calmer?”
I certainly felt…something. And while I wouldn’t say I felt calmer, I definitely felt a lot more present. It was as if we had zeroed in on this moment, and I was fully in it.
But since I wasn’t willing to admit all that, I merely nodded. The exercise had had its desired effect. Well…at least partially.
“Think Kai could manage that?”
Right. Kai. Jasper had been demonstrating the five-finger breathing for Kai.