Chapter 5
5
DAISY
I can’t find my teabags.
I hunt around the cupboards for a while, but I can’t find the box. I’m sure I left it by the microwave, but it’s definitely not here, which is annoying because I’ve boiled the water in a pan this morning. I huff out a breath, eyeing the few guys who are milling around the room from the corner of my eye and wondering if one of them knows.
‘Can’t find something, beautiful?’
I turn to find one of the frat brothers I don’t know. He has a nametag, so I know he’s one of the pledges. They’re all meaner to me than the full brothers, and they currently seem to be in some sort of competition with each other to get a reaction out of me. I’m still not sure what it is they actually want to see, so I don’t give them anything at all if I can help it. I don’t bother to read his name and I ignore the likely sarcastic term of endearment.
‘My teabags.’
‘I’ll teabag you if you want,’ one of the other guys says, and I hear sniggers.
With a sigh, I turn my eyes to him, giving him what looks like my full attention, and I watch as he quails just a little under my unwavering gaze.
‘I ... don’t know what that means, and I doubt I’d care to,’ I say, raising my eyebrows. ‘But I left the box here next to the microwave.’
‘The pledges cleaned up in here last night,’ one of the sophomores at the table says with a glance up from his plate. Taking out his phone, he taps something, and it vibrates in his hand a second later.
‘Yeah, it looks like they got thrown out ... accidentally.’ He shrugs and goes back to his food. ‘Maybe put your name on your stuff so no one thinks it’s trash, princess.’
I notice the other guys have smirks on their faces and are pretending to smother their laughter as they glance at me. They’re all tapping away on their phones.
My tea was thrown away on purpose, and I know enough to understand that they’re all messaging each other about me right now. Unease rolls through me, and I mask it as best I can with anger.
‘Bloody children,’ I mutter, grabbing my stuff and leaving the room.
I ignore the laughter they don’t even pretend to hide as I go outside and wait for Mav to take me to another class. Today is Nineteenth Century American Literature again, and I’m hoping it goes better than last time.
I try not to think of the fact that my tea is gone. I doubt I’ll be able to replace it here with the same brand. I suppose I could get a latte at Grinder later. The one Lu made me was fine. It just wasn’t right.
I heave a long sigh. Now, things won’t be right . There have been so many changes in my life over the past several days that I was clinging to the few things that have remained familiar. I’m adrift here, and my morning tea was one of my anchors ... perhaps the only one I had left .
I lean against one of the great white, hideously ostentatious columns outside the front of the house and breathe deeply.
I can do this. I can be out here. I can make a life for myself outside The Heath. I can!
My mind returns to the paper I found in the envelope as it has more than a few times this morning. I can’t figure out why anyone would give me something like that. I didn’t see or speak to my mother for almost ten years. If the car accident wasn’t an accident , why is that what they called it? And why tell me ? Does this person think I’m some sort of Sherlock Holmes character? They must have an expectation of me, or else why give me the note in the first place?
The door is ripped open a second later, drawing me out of my thoughts, and Mav comes barreling out of the house. He stops short when he sees me, clearly surprised that I’m waiting for him, but he doesn’t say anything. He just starts walking.
I trail after him, and then make an effort to catch up to his long strides.
‘Yesterday, what you said in front of your friends ...’ I start, trying again to make sure he understands since yesterday’s attempt didn’t go well.
He doesn’t slow, but he turns his head a little so I think he’s listening.
‘Can you not mention where I was, please? I was hoping for a fresh start here.’
He stops abruptly and I almost smack into his arm. He looks at me and I see his eyes moving around my face before I avert my gaze to the ground in front of me.
‘I won’t say anything.’
Relief has my belly unclenching. ‘Thank?—’
‘The whole campus knows about you by now anyway. If you wanted your life kept under wraps, you should have said something sooner, Tulip.’
Daisy.
I glance up and notice a nasty smirk that makes me take a step back.
My disappointment hits me with the force of a truck.
‘Everything?’ I whisper, my stomach twisting.
What if people don’t just know where I was sent, but learn the reason ?
Mav just shrugs and starts walking again, leaving me to be enveloped by fear and a tempest of other emotions that I can’t unpick right now, but make me want to go back to bed and not leave it again.
But I force them back and trudge after him. There’s nothing else I can do.
Like yesterday, he takes me to my first class and then disappears.
And, like yesterday, I sit through the professor droning on and on, not understanding much of what they’re talking about while I try not to think about what everyone will have heard about me already. Do they know my name? Do they know I’m living at the frat house? Why do I care about what Thoreau’s state of mind was when he wrote Walden? I have my own state of mind to worry about!
But I dutifully take notes on the empty pad of lined paper I found in the lost and found at Grinder yesterday, anyway, hoping that something will click soon.
When I get out, I don’t see Mav, thankfully. I go over to the coffee shop and Lu lets me help her with the lunch rush. I find that the drinks aren’t too hard to memorize, so it isn’t long before she’s stepping back from the red Formica countertop and letting me make them myself with two thumbs up, a smile, and a ‘I knew you’d be awesome!’
Her confidence in me is ... nice. It makes me think that I can do this. Douglas told me once that Rome wasn’t built in a day. At The Heath, I didn’t really get it, but I think I do now. I just need to take things one step at a time.
My shift goes great for a couple of hours, and I’m practically glowing at how well it’s going at my first ever job. I hear the bell and some loud laughter. At first I think it’s just a regular group of girls, but when I look up, I recognize the one that I saw with Blake in the library yesterday. She’s with a few other girls who are all dressed basically the same. She smiles at me, but it feels off.
‘Is this her?’ the one next to her whispers loudly. ‘Oh, my gosh, Jolie, I didn’t think it was true!’
I blink. ‘What can I get you?’ I ask.
The one from yesterday, Jolie, the Blake-sucker, answers, flicking her long blond hair back. ‘Soy decaf vanilla frap with two shots, one and a half pumps, and crème on top.’
‘Uh. Okay, please just bear with me for a minute. This is my first day,’ I say, trying to sound apologetic as I begin making the most complex order I’ve had so far and looking for Lu in case I need help. But she’s not here. It was quiet, so she went on break. I’m by myself.
I ring Jolie up and take her money. Then, I make the drink, putting the coffee shots, syrup and ice into the blender with some soy milk and starting it. I try to ignore how loud it sounds in my ears and idly wonder if I’d be allowed earplugs for just when it’s on.
I pour the drink into a cup and spray the cream on top before I hand it to her with a polite smile.
She’s still standing in the same spot with her friends. They’re watching me as they speak quietly amongst themselves. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but the whispering puts me on edge. Nothing good has ever come from groups of people talking quietly and stealing glances at me .
She snatches the cup and takes a tiny sip through the straw before making a face. ‘Ew! That’s disgusting.’
Taken aback, I frown at her. ‘I’m sorry that you don’t like it,’ I say.
She scoffs. ‘Were you too busy doing time for murdering kids to learn how to make a decent Frappuccino?’
I’m pretty sure I can feel the blood leaching out of my face.
‘What?’ I whisper faintly.
‘You heard me.’
Her friend leans closer to me.
‘We know what you did,’ she hisses as she glances around at her friends. ‘And we’re going to make sure everyone else does, too!’
Lu walks back into the front of the café at that moment and I see her brow furrow.
‘Something I can help with,’ she chirps.
‘Are you the manager?’ the one who seems to be in charge of the group asks.
Lu glances at me. ‘I am. What seems to be the problem?’
‘This employee made my friend’s drink wrong.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ Lu says. ‘Would you like another one, or a refund?’
‘I want her to make me another one,’ Jolie, the entitled Blake-sucker answers.
Lu’s smile is sickly sweet, and I side-eye her with a sinking feeling. Is she annoyed with me that I didn’t make it right the first time? Is she going to fire me on my very first day?
Jolie tells Lu her order and Lu asks me to make it while she watches. My hands shake as I do exactly what I did last time, waiting for Lu to tell me what I did wrong. But she says nothing. I put the drink in front of the girls again and, despite it being the exact same drink made in the exact same way, she takes a sip and nods at Lu.
‘That’s okay , I guess,’ she says to Lu, and then she looks at me. ‘Do better!’
With a few more scoffs, smirks, and whispers, the group leaves.
Lu stares after them.
‘What the fuck was that all about?’ she asks.
‘I don’t know,’ I half lie, hoping Lu didn’t hear the other things they said. ‘She didn’t like the drink, but I made the second one the same way. Maybe I did the first one wrong somehow.’
Lu snorts. ‘Those girls are Sorority Row. They’re always hanging around with the KIPs. Bet they don’t like that you’re being seen with their frat.’
‘Oh,’ I murmur.
‘All that Greek life crap is such bull,’ she mutters, and I glance at her in surprise.
‘But I thought ... you seemed really excited about going to the parties.’
Lu waves a flippant hand. ‘Oh, the parties, yeah. That’s different. It’ll be fun . The rest of it is so antiquated, though. You know the sororities can’t even hold parties of their own, only the frats can. I mean, what kind of misogynistic shit is that?’
‘Doesn’t seem fair,’ I murmur as I watch them walk off with a sinking, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
When I was afraid people would find out about The Heath, that was bad enough, but things are much worse than I feared. How did those girls know about the rest so quickly? I’ve barely been here two days.
Shade. He must have said something.
I force the feelings away before they stop me from finishing my shift, and I try to put the incident with the sorority girls behind me. The rest of the day goes all right and, later, I go back to the house without anything else of note happening. I’m exhausted and headachy though. I take two of the four painkillers I have in my bag that I was allowed to bring with me from The Heath just in case I got a migraine, and, then, I go to bed.
I spend most of the weekend in my room, only venturing to the bathroom and down to the kitchen for food when I don’t think anyone will be around. I see no one and I use the time to recharge. I try to get my head around my studies, too, but it’s an uphill climb.
I end up not seeing Mav, Blake, or Shade at all for several days. When I go to class, I’m escorted by pledges who don’t speak to me except to make fun of my clothes, my face, the accent, my name; basically anything they can think of. It’s tedious and I ignore them as best I can, though I notice them following me around campus as well, which puts me on edge. But there are no more weird notes and the sorority girls don’t bother me in Grinder again. There are whispers and looks though. I try to ignore those as well.
I get into a routine and I’m glad. Without one, I’m anxious and tired all the time. After so many years at The Heath where every day was largely the same, I guess I need the stability. I hate it, though, and I wonder if it would be better if I just leaped out of my comfort zone, ripped off the plaster ... Band-Aid , and let life happen.
Or that might make everything worse. I’m hanging on, but what if I can’t? If I burn out and the resulting effects of me getting overwhelmed happen in front of someone? What if John found out? He’d have me carted straight back to The Heath before I could blink.
Have to appear normal!
So, I try very hard to focus on classes and work, and not much else. Lu even gets me some tea from her Grinder supply catalogue that’s similar to the box that disappeared, which, having learned my lesson, I keep hidden in my room.
The guys in the frat continue to openly stare at me, whisper about me, and I’m pretty sure they send messages about me, too. They don’t touch me, thank God, but are fond of nicknames. They call me ‘stupid’ and ‘retarded’ to my face, which shouldn’t bother me, but it does. The jokes and the other choice names they use like ‘bitch’ and ‘thot’ don’t really register; I suppose because it’s not my mind they’re insulting. Guess that’s a sore point for me.
When my clothes disappear from the laundry, and I find them outside in the mud, I don’t say anything. I pretend I can’t hear the sniggers. I re-wash my clothes and stay right there in the laundry room, hoping they aren’t stained because I won’t have any money until the end of next week to buy more.
I run when I can, sometimes for hours at a time, until my feet hurt and my legs are about to give out. I still can’t get in the house by myself, but a couple of the sophomores have begun to let me in when they see me, which I’m grateful for.
It’s not until the following Saturday that I realize the rumors about me on campus are reaching a fever pitch. I notice other students staring at me all the time, and it makes me uncomfortable. I never hear what they say, but I can guess. I try not to let any of it get to me, but the truth is that I’m beginning to fray at the edges a little.
After my shift at Grinder in the evening, Lu pulls me aside.
‘Why didn’t you invite me!’ she accuses with her hands on her hips.
‘To what?’ I ask with a laugh, now a lot more used to my friend’s rambunctious behaviors.
‘Um, only the first party of the year at the KIP house!’
I shrug. ‘I didn’t know there was one. When is it? ’
‘Tonight! Come on. We need to find you something to wear.’
I’m herded out of Grinder and told she needs to lock up the back or Bill, the mysterious manager I haven't yet seen, will be pissed.
I wait for her, my eyes scanning the students, seeing their eyes dart to me and then away.
Whispers. Whispers. Whispers.
I sigh and look for Lu, hoping she’ll come soon and wondering if going to a party tonight is really a good idea. But if there’s anything I’ve learned about my buddy, it’s that once she has an idea in her head, she won’t let it go.
Next to me, an envelope flutters to the ground. My heart beats a little faster. It looks just like the other one. I roll my eyes at myself. I’m not in a detective novel. And yet I find myself picking it up, perhaps to prove to myself that it’s nothing.
It’s sealed and I tear it open.
‘Don’t you give a shit that your mom was murdered?’
I frown. All the first note said was, ‘Your mom’s crash wasn’t an accident.’
Murdered?
It’s obvious now that that’s what the writer was getting at, and I wish he or she would have been a bit more verbose.
Why would someone have murdered my mom? My stomach plummets. Maybe this is some kind of nasty joke because of ... the other thing people are talking about. Someone’s messing with me; the pledges, or someone else in the KIP house, probably.
‘Ready?’
I crumple the paper in my hand and stuff in my pocket as I turn to Lu with a smile. ‘Yeah, but I really think you’re going to be disappointed by this party.’ I laugh. ‘I mean, I don’t even have a key to the house. They might just watch us from inside and laugh.’
Lu gives me a funny look as we start walking. ‘So, it’s true?’
‘What?’
‘There are ... rumors.’ She winces.
‘Ah.’ I nod sagely. ‘I thought so. What are they?’
I almost don’t want to know. Actually, that’s a lie. I definitely don’t want to know, but I probably should find out so that I’m not blindsided when someone inevitably says something to my face like the sorority girls did last week.
‘That they won’t give you a key to the house because you were in an institution for killing someone, and they’re afraid you’ll go nuts and kill again.’ She laughs. ‘The shit people believe, huh?’
‘I—’ I swallow hard.
I was expecting it, but hearing the words aloud throws me into a tailspin. Despite being back here, I haven’t thought about the details of that day, the reason that John had me put in The Heath, for a very long time.
‘That’s ... I’m sorry. Jesus.’ Lu immediately stops walking and turns to me. ‘I thought ... rumors are usually just bullshit, you know? Do you ... want to talk about it?’
I shake my head. ‘Not really, but ... what happened ... it was a very long time ago.’
I wince. ‘I wouldn’t hurt you or anyone, Lu,’ I whisper, ‘but I understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore.’
Lu’s eyes widen and then narrow. ‘I don’t give a shit what happened when you were a kid, Daisy-bear. You’re my friend, okay? I don’t take that shit lightly.’
In a very rare show of affection, I reach out and take her hand, giving it a little squeeze.
‘Thanks,’ I whisper .
She looks down at my hand. ‘You don’t do that much, do you? Touch other people, I mean.’
I shake my head.
‘Well,’ she squeezes back. ‘I’m honored. Now, let’s go get you a killer outfit.’
‘But I don’t get paid ’til?—’
She waves a hand. ‘I can spot you a couple bucks. No problem.’
She takes me back to Second Love and finds me a little black dress. This is something that, she informs me, every woman should have. I’m not quite sure what for, but, according to her, the sweetheart neckline and the mid-thigh length are perfect for a party at KIP.
A part of me doesn’t want to dress up, or even go because of what people know about me. I also haven’t been invited and, with a couple of exceptions, none of the KIP brothers have been even remotely nice. But Lu is so excited about it that I decide to grin and bear it for her sake. She’s been so great to me and I want to be a good friend back.
Besides, it’s just a party, I reason. How bad can it be?
Lu fusses with my hair, taking out a brush from her oversized purse and putting my hair in a fishtail braid that she drapes over one shoulder. It tickles my skin and I try to ignore it, but in the end I have to push it to the back.
She gives me an indulgent look as she throws a little makeup on me from the seemingly bottomless bag, too, and just when I’m beginning to feel like an oversized doll, she declares that she’s finished and whirls me around to see myself in the mirror.
I stare at my reflection. I look like me, but also not like me at all.
‘Thank you,’ I say, forcing what I hope looks like a grateful smile because I’m not sure about any of this.
Lu’s high-pitched squeal makes me wince a little, but I try not to let her excited noises bother me. It is getting easier now that I can anticipate her outbursts better.
She chooses a burgundy bodycon for herself with a square neckline that frames her ample chest and does her hair and makeup quickly.
She pays, and we leave the store. We walk back to campus, and she tells me to ditch my bag of clothes before we go in. We get to the driveway that leads up to the house and I can hear the music already. She links her arm with mine.
‘Ready?’
I grin. ‘Ready.’
We start walking, but I hear her phone ringing, and she frowns as she digs it out of her bag.
‘Fuck,’ she mutters. ‘It’s Bill. Hello?’
I can’t hear the other side of the conversation, but she sighs loudly. ‘Are you serious? Okay. Fine. I’ll be right there. But you’re paying me for this after-hours bullshit.’
She gets off the phone and glances at me. ‘That was Bill. You know, Grinder’s owner? There’s some problem with the alarm system, and he’s out of town. I need to get over there and try to fix it. I’m so sorry. I won't be able to go in with you. But I’ll be as fast as I can, okay? It might just be a loose wire like last time.’
‘It’s okay,’ I say, hoping I’m being convincing because, really, the thought of going in alone is making my palms begin to sweat.
‘Are you sure? I’m so sorry, babe. I’ll be here as soon as I’m done, okay?’
‘Sure.’ I attempt a smile, and she seems relieved, so I think I did okay.
Her phone rings again, and she answers it with an exasperated ‘Yes! I’m going right now! I’ll be there in five freaking minutes! ’
She leaves me in the driveway holding my bag with my outfit from earlier inside. I take in a steadying breath and decide that I’ll head straight for my room. Even proving to the boys inside that I’m not scared isn’t enough to tempt me to brave my first party alone.
I get to the house and wonder what time it actually is because everything is in full swing. The rooms look packed as I pass the front windows and head around back.
Luckily, it’s still pretty warm out, and the back door is wide open, so I’m able to slip in past a group of giggling girls I don’t recognize with no problem.
Inside, the music is booming, and there are bottles and cans and red cups all over the place already. There’s a keg on the kitchen counter and a game going on at a table that’s been put in the foyer. I think, from a movie I watched long before The Heath, it’s called beer pong.
I slink past a group of guys I recognize as full-fledged brothers, and I’ve almost made it to the stairs when an arm snakes around my waist. I’m pulled hard into a tall body. I try not to give any outward signs of distress, but it’s all I can do not to start thrashing. My nails dig into my palms in an attempt to ground myself.
‘I haven’t seen you here before,’ a voice says close to my ear.
I turn around and find myself face to face with one of the three guys from the games room on my second day here.
‘Frat Girl?’ His eyes move over me. ‘Holy shit!’
I pull away from him and he lets me go.
‘Hey, sorry about the other day, Frat Girl. I’m Marcus. Hey! Guys, this is Frat Girl.’
I frown at the nickname, but it’s better than ‘bitch’ or ‘retard’, I guess.
‘Frat Girl!’ a chorus of voices echo, and I’m urged forward into a mixed group of guys and girls .
‘Play with us,’ Marcus pretty much demands, and though I glance a little longingly at the stairs, I give him a nod.
‘How do you play?’
‘Question!’
A shot glass is put in front of me on the table and filled with something pink.
‘Drink! Drink! Drink!’
‘What is it?’ I ask, not following at all.
‘Question!’
Another shot glass is placed next to the first.
‘But why?—’
‘Question!’
A third glass is placed next to the other two.
‘It’s okay,’ Marcus slurs.
He’s too close. I put some distance between us, but he just leans closer, his eyes flicking downward and then past me to the other junior that’s next to me at the table. I think it’s the one called Pete.
‘It’s just fruit juice.’
Oh.
I take the first glass and hold it under my nose. It smells fruity. I take a sip and the table erupts.
‘Take a sip, do a shot!’ the table chants.
A fourth glass appears in the line.
I shrug and tip the first glass back. It is fruity, I realize.
I put it back on the table hard, facedown like I’ve seen on TV, and pick up the next. I tip it back and swallow it in one.
I grab the next one, conscious of all the eyes on me. It goes down as smoothly as the others, and as I pick up the fourth and down that one, too, the table cheers!
‘Frat Girl! Frat Girl!’
I can’t help the grin that takes over my face, but I don’t say anything else because every time I talk, they give me another shot. I watch the game and see that there are dice that everyone else is throwing. Only one or two have to drink. I frown. Why didn’t I get to throw the dice? Maybe I had to play catch-up.
A few minutes later, I roll and am given another shot. I’m feeling pleasantly tingly and shrug as I toss it back.
A few minutes after that, I’m teetering on my heels. I lose my balance and grab hold of Marcus’ arm before I can fall to the side.
‘You okay, Frat Girl?’
I nod. ‘Just gonna grab some water.’
My voice sounds weird to my ears, and I have to concentrate very hard to put one foot in front of the other. The heels aren’t helping, so I kick them off and go the rest of the way to the kitchen barefoot. The floor is sticky and slippery in places and I regret the impulsive move immediately. But it’s too late. I slip behind the counter and ignore everyone and everything as I grab a glass.
‘Marguerite?’
I glance over the breakfast bar and see Jack ... no Shade ... standing with a girl. The girl from Grinder last week. The leader of the clones. Shade has his hand around her shoulders, and she’s pressed against him. I vaguely remember Lu telling me those girls hang around with the KIPs.
‘Jack?’ I say playfully in the same tone.
No, it’s Shade.
I giggle the way I wanted to when I first heard it.
I look at the girl. ‘That’s his real name,’ I say to her.
‘Why is she here?’ the girl asks. Her eyes are on me, and she looks ... not happy.
‘Leave it alone,’ he mutters. ‘I told you she’s no one.’
I make a ‘psh’ noise to cover the hurt I feel and don’t understand ... that I’m ‘no one’ to him and turn quickly, but I forget about the glass in my hand, and it slips from my fingers. It crashes to the floor, and everyone close enough to hear it lets out a loud ‘OHHHHH!’.
I cover my ears with my hands and clench my eyes shut. The party is suddenly too loud. The lights too bright. The floor too icky . I want to go to my room. I need to be alone.
I force my eyes open and look down. There’s glass all around me. I sway and have to take a step so that I don’t lose my balance, and, suddenly, Shade is in front of me.
I look up at his eyes, and I try to count five seconds, but I think I mess it up because I’m still staring up at him while he’s telling me not to move.
‘Won’t move, Admiral,’ I mutter, trying for a semi-serious salute.
‘Fuck, have you been drinking? Marguerite?’
I stare up at him. ‘I told you ... it’s Daisy,’ I mutter. ‘I’ll call you Shade if you want, Jack, but you call me Daisy. That’s the ...’ I blink hard ... ‘deal.’
‘There’s glass everywhere. Get a couple of the pledges to clean it up.’
‘But they don’t listen to me,’ I mumble and he glances down at me.
He wasn’t speaking to me, I realize as I see Mav and Blake on the other side of the counter next to the girl Shade had his arm around. She’s got her arms crossed in front of her and is now staring at me with a look I recognize. She’s pissed about something.
‘I’m going to pick you up, okay?’
I wince, but nod and steel myself by tensing and shutting my eyes, but he hoists me up so easily, cradling me against his chest. I melt into him almost without realizing it, feeling oddly safe even though he hates me.
Tears come to my eyes. He’s right to hate me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.
‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It was just a glass. ’
We’re going up the stairs and the sounds of the party begin to fade.
‘No.’ I don’t look at him. ‘I mean about what happened ... before I left.’
He doesn’t say anything.
We get to the top of the house, and he brings me to my room. He sets me down, and I immediately sway.
‘Jesus, Marg – Daisy. How much did you have?’
I frown. It’s all a little hazy now.
‘I was going to come straight up,’ I say, trying to remember.
‘Then why are you dressed like that?’ a new voice asks.
I turn my head to see Blake sauntering in.
‘My friend.’ I giggle. ‘She gave me a makeover like in the movies.’
Feeling delighted all over again that I have a friend and that I was fitting in downstairs, I smile widely at Blake, and he raises a brow.
‘She’s plastered. How much did she have?’ he asks Shade.
‘I was ... she was coming with me. My friend. But she had to go. I wasn’t going to stay ... I was heading to my room, but Marcus asked me to play the game.’
‘Game?’
I frown, wracking my brain. ‘I didn’t understand the rules. But I had to keep drinking. I think five juices.’
‘Juices?’ a third voice asks.
Mav is leaning against the door jamb. They’re all looking at me.
I step back and plonk myself on the bed.
‘He said it was okay, that it was just juice. It tasted like juice.’
Shade
‘Yeah, it does taste like juice.’ My voice is hard, and I see her flinch a little like she hears my anger, so I try to sound less like I want to punch a wall as I continue, ‘but it isn’t, sweetheart. It’s mixed with grain alcohol. It’s really strong.’
Sweetheart? What is wrong with me?
‘He lied.’
Her disappointment is palpable, and it makes me want to shred Marcus for plying her with this much alcohol when she had no idea.
She looks away from us towards the far side of the room.
‘Just wanted to be like the others,’ she whispers so quietly that I think it was only to herself.
I’m transported to a night a few weeks before she was sent away. She told me that she wished she could figure out what was wrong with her so the other kids would like her. She wanted to belong. It was the longest conversation we’d ever had, and I was on Cloud Nine afterward because she’d never spoken so much to anyone else.
‘The others?’ Blake is standing in front of her, and I suddenly want both my friends out of here when she’s this unguarded. Fuck knows what she’s going to say next.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ she slurs as she lays back on the bed and closes her eyes.
Her breathing evens out, and I’m pretty sure she’s passed out.
I take in her tight, black dress and bare legs, noticing a small patch of calloused skin on her left calf and wondering what happened. The makeup is different from what she wore for the funeral, but she did say she had a friend who did her makeover .
‘Find out who the friend is. The pledges should know if they’re doing their jobs right,’ I mutter, ‘and make sure all those dumb fucks downstairs know she’s not to be given alcohol again unless she’s with one of us.’ I glance at him. ‘ And tell Marcus I want to talk to him. He knew what he was doing, and I want to know why. What was he planning?’
‘We told them to mess with her,’ Blake says with a shrug.
His eyes are all over Daisy, and I want to tell him to get the fuck out.
‘By getting her this wasted? Anything could have happened to her if we hadn’t been here,’ I seethe. ‘I’ve heard more than one of those assholes talking about her this week. I’ve seen them watching her. Even without them, she was about to walk through broken glass barefoot, for Christ’s sake!’
I start pacing her room.
‘She’s no different from any of the other girls down there getting hammered,’ Mav says, and I can literally hear his eyes rolling.
‘Yes, she is!’ I hiss at him. ‘Fuck!’ I pull a hand through my hair roughly. ‘She shouldn’t be here. We need her gone. Tell them ...’ I close my eyes and hope she doesn’t last much longer as I tamp down the guilt that I’ve started to feel. It has no place in my dealings with her. God knows she wouldn’t feel the same, not really. It’s all smoke and mirrors with her.
‘Tell them to keep fucking with her all next week and ... tell them to ramp it up. I saw her down there just now. No alcohol or substances though.’ I cast a look at her. ‘She’s close to losing it, and once she does, this farce is over.’
‘What should we do with her now?’ Blake asks.
I hear Mav’s disparaging chuckle. ‘It was only a few shots. What’s the big deal?’
I give him a hard look. Does he really not get it? ‘She’s been in a clinic for a decade. You think she’s ever drank alcohol before?’
‘Shit, no. I guess not.’
I sit on the bed next to her passed-out form.
‘I’ll stay here with her for a while,’ I say, leaning back on the pillows and making myself comfortable.
‘Can one of you grab her a glass of water and some aspirin?’
Blake nods. ‘What do you want me to tell Laurie when she asks me where you are?’
I sigh. ‘Don’t tell her anything. Maybe she’ll get the hint and leave.’
Mav snorts. ‘Lock your door or you’ll find her in your bed naked again.’
I groan. ‘That was one fucking time.’
Mav chuckles. ‘Think she learned a lesson?’
I close my eyes. ‘No,’ I mutter, deciding I’ll just stay in here with Daisy tonight.
Someone should anyway. Don’t want her choking on her own vomit.
The others leave and I get up, suddenly feeling like being next to her on the bed isn’t acceptable somehow. I turn her from her back to her side. Then, I pull the chair over from the desk to sit next to the bed. I watch her for a few minutes. She doesn’t stir. There’s a knock on the door and Marcus saunters in, a smug grin on his face that widens as he spies her unconscious on the bed. In his mind, I’m supposed to congratulate him, so when I get to my feet, lunge across the room, and push him hard into the wall by the door, his shock is palpable.
‘What the fuck?’ he grates out.
‘That’s what I was going to say!’ I hiss. ‘What the fuck, Marcus? How much did you give her? She could barely walk. ’
‘Only five!’ he answers. ‘How was I supposed to know the retard was such a lightweight?’
I clench my hands in the font of his shirt, willing myself not to call him out on the word. I told them to do this. I called her that myself.
‘What was your plan?’
He hesitates. ‘It looks bad, but, for real, we were just going to get her messed up and lock her outside for the night. That’s it.’
Gritting my teeth, I step back. ‘Fine,’ I mutter even though the thought of her out in the dark alone and drunk on a college campus makes my stomach twist. ‘But no more alcohol unless one of the seniors is with you. Understand?’
‘Sure, Shade. You’re the boss, Admiral.’
‘Make sure the others know.’
He nods and leaves, opening the door just as Mav appears with a glass of water and a bottle of pain killers. I let my friend in, watching as Marcus slinks out and strolls down the hall to the stairs. My eyes narrow at his back. I’ve never trusted him and a couple of the other junior members he hangs out with, but I was only a sophomore when they were chosen in their first year here. It wasn’t up to me.
‘How’s she doing?’ Mav asks quietly, setting the glass and the pills down on the nightstand.
‘Seems okay. Dead to the world right now.’
‘You said there were tantrums .’ He looks over his shoulder at me as if he’s just thought of something. ‘She doesn’t have, like seizures and stuff, right? That’s not part of what’s wrong with her?’
‘No, nothing like that,’ I say quickly, realizing that I haven’t really told the guys much. ‘It’s like I said before; she’s autistic and maybe has ADHD, too, but I don’t actually know her full diagnosis.’
He frowns. ‘And that’s it? ’
I sit back down in my chair. ‘What do you mean, ‘that’s it’?’
He gives me a look. ‘The way you talked about when you were kids, I thought she was ...’ He taps his temple. ‘Actually mentally challenged ... like she couldn’t even go to school, or something. That, or nuts.’
‘I ...’ Shifting in the chair, I look at her, making sure she’s still unconscious. ‘She was different when we were kids. Volatile. Prone to angry outbursts. She’d lash out at her mom, or act catatonic for hours. My dad thought it was for attention at first. He’d ignore her, or yell at her and give her punishments. They didn’t realize she had a real issue for a while. Just thought she was a troublemaker, I guess. She only lived with us for a year before they took her over to England for treatment.’
I don’t tell him about why they took her away. I never talk about it. I don’t even think about it ever. I won’t .
Mav looks down at her. ‘She doesn’t seem to be like that now. I don’t think I’ve seen her angry or upset, not much of anything really. The catatonic thing she does in her room a lot though.’
‘Been watching, have you?’ I can’t help but snap.
He chuckles, ignoring me. ‘If she’s never drank before, she’s going to be miserable tomorrow.’
I nod, sighing as I watch his brow furrow a little. I know that look. My friend has an idea. Why am I dreading his next words?
‘She’s been here almost two weeks. You said she’d crack in two days. Maybe we should press our advantage. Wear her down a little faster.’ He glances at me pointedly. ‘Because once the pledges are done hazing, they won’t be keeping tabs on her anymore. We don’t have time to play babysitter, not if you want to keep to our timeline. And what about Sark? He’ll want his cut soon, and we aren’t ready. ’
I nod. Mav’s right. This needs to go faster, or there will be a price to pay.
‘What are the latest results?’ I ask.
‘What we thought.’ He shrugs. ‘The problems are the ones we knew we’d have, but the inconsistencies are making tests take longer than I thought. Her taking up our time isn’t helping.’
He’s right about that, too.
I sit back, not taking my eyes off her. ‘What’s your idea with her?’
I grin as I glance at him, practically seeing the light bulbs going on in his head.
‘She’s going to be tired tomorrow. Maybe we capitalize on that, take her out with us for the day and make it a tiring one. Bring her to the club, or something, and, when we get back, make sure the guys are having a loud night downstairs so she can’t sleep?’
‘You want to make her ... tired?’
He scowls. ‘It’s a technique that’s literally used on prisoners of war to break them, Shade. You think it won’t work on her?’
I tilt my head. He does have a point. ‘Okay. I’ll get her up early and take her to my dad’s house. He’s in Europe again until Tuesday.’
‘What are you going to tell her?’
I roll my eyes. ‘I don’t fucking know, but we’ll be gone at least until the afternoon.’
He nods. ‘Okay. I’ll go to the lab with Blake and see if we can’t get a handle on some of the problems in the morning. We’ll take her out to the Point for some hiking, or something in the afternoon before we swing by the club, maybe. But I’ll confirm everything in the morning. I might come up with something even better. Regardless, she’ll be more than exhausted. ’
‘Sounds like a plan.’
He turns to leave.
‘Oh!’ he turns back. ‘The friend she was talking about. A couple of the guys saw them together. Some drama girl. Works at Grinder with her. Want me to get some of the guys to tell her to stay away from Daisy?’
‘She has a job?’ I mutter.
‘Apparently.’
I glance down at her, more than a little surprised. The decent boy she’d sit with when she was scared wars with who I am now. She looked so happy when she was mumbling about her makeover earlier, so excited to have a friend. God knows she didn’t have any when we were at school together.
‘No,’ I hear myself say. ‘Not yet. It won’t matter once we get her out of here and back where she belongs anyway.’
Mav nods and leaves, closing the door quietly behind him, and I look down at my sleeping stepsister.
‘I’m not a monster,’ I whisper.
But I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true. What would she say if she knew half the things I’ve done over the past few years? What would she do if she knew our plans ... and how far we’d go to get out from under the thumb of my father and his cronies?
She has no idea what the Novelles are actually into. Fortunately, all this is irrelevant. She’ll be gone before she ever finds out anything.