BEX
Chapter Seventeen
I had forgotten how easy it was to talk to Logan.
I told him I couldn’t have kids and he didn’t force me to talk about it.
I knew that wouldn’t last forever. He wouldn’t let me wallow for long before he made me talk.
I had no doubt that was what he was doing with Dom.
The kid looked concerned when I left. The worry on his face was not something I ever wanted to see on someone so young.
I stopped out of hearing distance, waiting for the two of them to finish their chat and catch up with me. I might have been a coward but I didn’t want to face my family on my own.
It wasn’t until they were walking beside me I could mention something I had wanted to bring up earlier. From the night Nick yelled at him. “So, you finally got that older brother speech. I’m guessing both Ollie and Nick gave you a piece of their mind.”
“Oh, Mason gave me a piece of his many years ago.” Logan smiled at the memory and then winced.
I raised a brow, wanting to know more. “He did?”
“Yeah, ended up taking a fist to the nose at the back of the old barn.” He rubbed the spot. “You remember the broken nose I told you I got in the gym? Yeah, that was your brother. He ranted so loud that Jake overheard. That’s how he found out.”
“That was not part of the plan. Still. He was there for you.” That was one thing I had insisted on from Mason. “I knew once the baby came and I had to give it up I would need to break up with you. I wanted you to have someone.”
I knew he couldn’t rely on his family. His mother wasn’t a horrible woman, she just wasn’t very warm or understanding. His dad left before I even knew him. I knew Logan hated the idea of leaving his kid for that very reason.
Mason and I had basically been his only support.
Well, and my family. My dad had taught him and Mason how to shave at the same time.
Ollie was the one to talk to them about condom use.
I know because Logan had walked away from that conversation red in the face.
Not an easy feat for someone with such dark skin.
And we'd been having sex for a good few months at that point.
“Mason is a good friend. All your brothers are.” He paused and gestured for Dom to carry on.
How that kid didn’t get migraines from the number of eyerolls was beyond me.
Once Dom was out of ear shot, Logan continued.
“Each of them texted me regularly when I was in New York. Even begging me to come back once you got engaged to that asshole.”
Curtis was an asshole. He had been sleeping with another woman while we were engaged.
Joke was on him, though. Since neither of us knew about the other, Jess and I had bonded over our mutual poor taste in men.
She had sworn off men entirely. Me? I was happy to do the same.
Even when Logan moved back to town, I pretended to not be interested.
I wasn’t ready for all that relationship crap.
I thought I was ready before I got shot. But then I found out I couldn't have children and worried he wouldn’t want me. I still felt like half a woman, but I knew those were more emotional issues. I had to deal with those. With time and with Logan’s help.
I knew family had little to do with biology.
My four brothers had married two sets of best friends and I watched how sisters were formed from a connection that had nothing to do with blood.
I missed my sister every day. She had been my rock during the darkest period of my life.
Not my pregnancy. That was just a secret, and I had Logan through all of that. No, after that.
I had given up my child and pushed away the love of my life.
I was a bundle of regret and bad choices.
But Debbie had reminded me why I made the decisions I had.
She was the only one. I couldn’t tell Mason.
Not because I couldn’t trust him. He would keep my secret.
I knew he would. But he would feel guilty for not letting Logan know.
At some point I would need to tell Logan why I sent him away. And why I’d had to give Dom up for adoption. The sooner the better.
It was while I was debating telling him, that we reached the front garden to my parents’ home and I noticed everyone had gathered at the picnic spots a little ways off.
It looked like my dad was preparing the grill.
My mom was there, as well as my brother, Nick.
Jared, Debbie’s boyfriend before she died and the father of her son, was also there.
Both men had their toddler sons with them.
Suddenly I wished Landon was also there getting to know his family.
And Vicky too. Maybe it was time for a Salinger Security family picnic once again.
The company hosted them regularly. We played a little fast and loose with the term family.
What we meant were the friends we collected along the way who became family.
That some were blood relations, was just a coincidence.
The way my mother and Dom looked at me, I was reminded that not everything in the Salinger world was one hundred percent okay.
Half my family wasn’t talking to me, even though they were doing their damndest to protect my son after he witnessed a murder.
Said son was resentful, and I couldn’t take that away from him.
He’d had his world turned upside down and witnessed something he was never supposed to.
And he still hadn’t dealt with the trauma of it all. And now he was grounded.
He was bottling it all up and I just wanted him to know he was safe to let all his feelings out. But I had a feeling Logan had taken care of that.
I hoped that was the case, at least. Even if that meant shouting at Logan and I. He shouldn’t have to be strong for the little ones. I could handle that burden. Logan could, too.
My Dad walked over and took me in his arms. “Your mother wanted to know if Cassie can bring the other kids over for a family dinner?”
I looked around and sure enough, Dom and Jared’s brother, Aiden, were the only teens still hanging. All the other families had left. I raised a brow at my dad. “And she couldn’t ask me herself?”
“Cut her some slack, honey.” He tightened his arm around my shoulder. “She’s hurt. We all are, but she’s your mother. You’re supposed to come to her about anything. I think she feels like she failed you somehow.”
“But she didn’t, Dad.”
My mother was the best woman I knew. It was because of her encouragement I became a Ranger.
She was the one who helped me deal with Debbie’s death even though it had to have almost killed her to bury her own child.
That was something I didn’t want to imagine.
And when Curtis’ lies were revealed, she was there.
Not just when I found him in bed with another woman, but also when we learned he was using me to get information on my family.
She was my inspiration, her shoulders were both strong and comforting at the same time. “I knew she would be angry. I just didn’t imagine her shutting me out the way she has.”
“Honey.” My Dad offered me a small smile. “If she intended to shut you out, she wouldn’t have sent me over here to make sure you stayed. She’d be pissed I was even talking to you. She just needs time.”
“Time.” Maybe I was being impatient. I had kept a very important secret for more than fifteen years.
My Dad turned to me so I was facing him. “Or maybe she’s waiting for you to make the first move. She’s stubborn and in this case, she’s not the one in the wrong.”
I’d been so busy avoiding my mother not wanting to make her even angrier, I hadn’t even considered that possibility. Hope bloomed in my belly as I offered my dad a small smile. “Noted. I’ll take a moment to test the waters.”
Of course, she could just as easily shut me down, not wanting a reconciliation yet.
But that was a chance I was willing to take.
I was the one who had fucked up, and I knew I needed to be the one to fix things.
I only had one stipulation. “But Dad, if Logan is sidelined, I will leave and not even think twice about it.”
My Dad smiled. “There she is.”
“What?”
“That spirit only your mother could instill in you. She wouldn’t stand for anyone treating me badly. No matter how pissed they were at her. She would approve. And she will respect it, too.”
I knew my dad was right. The first time my grandmother had let her displeasure for my parents’ relationship show, my mother had vowed never to speak to her until she got her attitude right.
It was a story my mother had relished telling us.
My grandmother came around and even got along with my father’s parents.
But she hardly visited before she died a year before Debbie did.
My dad kissed my forehead as Logan took my hand and walked me to the huddle of family.
My mom spoke directly to Logan, but it was obvious she was purposely avoiding eye contact with me. “I asked Cassie to bring the high chair with her. We haven’t yet got around to buying another one here. Though I think Cooper and Mattie are about ready for a kiddy table instead of the high chair.”
“Then don’t buy one.” Logan nodded to my mother. “We can bring ours until those two are ready.”
They made a good point, but with the way the family was growing, another high chair wouldn’t be a waste.
My mom made her way back to the house and I followed her.
She didn’t complain that I was there and I took that as a good sign.
The kitchen and living area were both huge.
Making it so family gatherings could easily be accommodated.
The farm style kitchen also opened up into the dining area, so my mom never felt excluded when she was preparing meals.
Not that it was a risk when anyone of us would be in the kitchen with her.
Both my parents insisted we all learn to cook, clean, change a tire, do groceries, and pay bills. The degrees of success had varied with each skill and with each sibling.
I’d never learned my mother’s ability to cook, but I did learn her ability to check an engine and change a tire. In fact, both of us were better mechanics than any of the men in our family.
Still, the men were helping my dad with the grill, and Cassie and Julie were on their way with the rest of the kids. I wanted to talk to my mother before I got too preoccupied.
“Hey, Mom.” I took a beer from the fridge, pulled up a stool and sipped.
She didn’t look up from the carrots she was grating. “Hello, Rebecca. Get the mayo. You can mix the coleslaw together.”
More progress. If she didn’t want me around, she wouldn’t be giving me chores. Right?
Bending down to get the mayonnaise from the fridge, I considered what I wanted to say. “Mom, I’m really sorry.”
I sat back on the stool and started doing as she asked.
My mother looked up at me. “What exactly are you sorry about, Rebecca?”
That was the million-dollar question. Wasn’t it?
“I’m sorry for not telling you. I really am.”
“Are you really?” My mother had a bee in her bonnet. I knew she did. But she wanted me to get there on my own. I hated when she did that.
“I mean, in part, yes. I am sorry. But I don’t think I would’ve done anything differently. If you knew, you would’ve stopped me from giving him up.”
“And why did you need to give him up?”
“Mom, I can’t.” I sighed knowing I was disappointing her once more. “Not until Logan knows why. And Dom. I need to speak to the two of them first.”
“Okay. I respect that.” She started buttering the bread rolls.
“For now. But can I give you some advice?” I nodded and she continued.
“The reasons you did what you did are between you and Logan. Tell him first.” She pointed the butter knife at me.
“Dom is so filled with anger, the reason you gave him up is not going to matter to him. You want Logan to have processed your reasoning, so he can back you up.”
“Thanks, Mom.” That was really good advice. Not that I expected anything less from my mother. “I really am sorry, Mom.”
“I just feel like such a failure, Rebecca.’ She put the knife down and looked me straight in the eyes. “Like you didn’t feel you could come to me. Like I fell short or something.”
“Mom, not at all.” How did I explain it to my mom?
“You gave me the best gift of all. You made sure that we, your kids, trusted each other. That we could go to one another. Like the way Ollie used to take Debbie to music festivals even when you said no, because he knew she would sneak out anyway and at least he could keep her safe. Or the way we covered for each other when we missed curfew. You created an environment where we looked out for each other. Mom, I wasn’t alone because you had ensured it.
I hoped to give that to my kids someday. ”
My mother frowned. “Hoped? You used past tense.”
“Not now mom.”
“Yes, now Rebecca. I’m your mother.”
I let out a little sigh. I wanted to tell her.
I wanted my mom to do what she always did when I dealt with people thinking I was less feminine because I was tomboy or my career choice was masculine.
Interestingly, that happened as often as men in the army thinking I couldn’t do my job.
Men thought I wasn’t much of a woman because I could handle an engine or a gun better than them.
“When Goose shot me last year, I know the doctors said nothing major was hit. But that wasn’t the case.
One of the bullets did hit something major.
” Once again, I looked away as I said the hardest sentence to ever come out of my mouth.
“I cannot have children. Logan just reminded me I can still be a mother. But, Mom, I can never get pregnant.”
“Oh, Rebecca, I am so sorry.” She froze on the spot.
I took the time to say the one thing that had plagued me from the time the doctor shared the news. “Mom, what if it's the universe’s way of telling me I’m not fit to be a parent?”
“That is not the case, Rebecca. Not at all.” My mother wiped her hands as she made her way around the island.
She pulled me into her arms and held me tight.
With that gesture, the floodgates opened.
I had been so close to tears all the time over the last few weeks.
That one night in the shower was the only time I let go.
But in my mom’s arms, it was like I could finally let it all out.
I heard talking and I was shuffled to another pair of arms. A very familiar pair of arms. The only pair of arms more comfortable than my mom’s.
I looked over at my mother. “I don’t want to talk to the family about this.”
“I will let them know.” My mother held my gaze. “But you also need to talk about what we spoke about.”
I nodded. My mother knew why I had done what I did. Because we both understood taking care of our man. I looked up at Logan. “We’ll talk when we get home.”