29. Charlie
29
Iwatched him storm out so angry he couldn’t speak to me, and I knew it was all my fault. I still had no way of knowing if he had really cheated on me or been a player to begin with, but I knew I had hurt him so deeply he was at a loss for words. I also knew his temper, and if I chased him down he would only say things that would hurt me and I’d end up snapping at him too, so I let him go. And I sank onto the chair at my vanity and cried.
A few minutes later there was a knock at my door, but I didn’t want to answer. I needed a second to collect myself before I went to get Sebastian, but whoever it was just opened the door and walked right in. I looked up and quickly wiped my tears away to see the nanny from today’s daycare shift holding Sebastian in her arms. He was sleeping peacefully and his diaper bag dangled from her wrist.
“Oh, I’m sorry. You were running late so I thought I’d just bring him here. He was the last child left.” Her half-grimace made me feel guilty. I was supposed to go pick him up as soon as the taping was over because the daycare service had other obligations in the studio grounds. I felt bad.
“Gosh, I’m so sorry.” I wiped my face again and stood up, walking over to take him from her arms. My little angel was so innocent and sweet when he slept. Just having him in my arms again made me feel better. Not that everything was okay; it was far from over, but I knew as long as I had him, I had everything I needed.
“Are you okay, Charlotte?” She sat the diaper bag down on the corner of my desk and looked at me with compassion. Her lower lip pushed out into a pout of sympathy but I waved my hand.
“Just hormones I think.” I lied to her but what else was I supposed to do? I wasn’t close with her. We were nothing more than coworkers that spoke about my child in passing when I dropped him off for her to watch. I couldn’t unload all this drama on her as if it were no big deal. It was a huge deal that would make waves on both coasts of this country because now Lex and I were both in the tabloids on a regular basis.
“You sure?”
“Positive,” I told her, faking a smile, but the instant she left, more tears came.
I sat in my desk chair and put Bash across my chest, resting his head on my shoulder as I rocked back and forth.
The look of shock and hurt in Lex’s eyes sliced through my heart. It didn’t matter what he did or how bad it hurt me; I was wrong for keeping his child a secret. I knew that now. There was something so inexcusable about it that the instant he found out, it tore my heart in two and I knew how he felt. As I rocked our little boy and cried, my sense of self-loathing grew.
I was known for always being cheerful and happy. I kept a positive outlook and never let anything get me down. But suddenly I found myself feeling very hopeless and out of touch. I couldn’t find my anchor or the path back to positivity. It was as if all of that was gone when I realized I had hurt someone so desperately they might never recover. It had been me who had been wrong; I was the villain.
Again, someone knocked on the door, and I already knew who it was. The producer, Mr. Lewis. He had a unique knock pattern, which on most occasions made my spirits lift the instant I heard it. Outside of being the best boss I’d ever had, he was an extremely decent human being. He had listened to my stresses more than once, though nothing quite so personal. I just wasn’t in the mood right now. But he opened the door and walked in anyway, just as the nanny had.
“Hey, Charlotte. Ms. Spencer told me you weren’t feeling so well…” He punctuated the sentence with raised eyebrows and waited in the doorway. I looked down and away, ashamed of myself for having such a public breakdown. I would have to walk out of this place with a red puffy face and everyone would know I was crying, even the cameramen who tried to catch my interaction with Lex on tape.
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Lewis. I never meant to let my personal life get to me at work.” Using one arm to hold Bash in place on my chest, I used my opposite hand to wipe away my tears.
“Nonsense, Charlie. We’re basically a family here.” He stepped into the room and closed the door quietly then reached for a tissue and handed it to me. “What can I do? What’s wrong?”
I bit my lip. I didn’t want to say anything, but it was obvious I had no choice but to track Lex down and deal with this. I was doing better financially having taken this job, but supporting two households now that my parents were both retired and needing help made it tight. I had no extra money to hire a PI, so it meant I would have to fly to Florida and go where I knew he’d be. All of that meant I’d need paid time off work because I had very little in savings and this wasn’t exactly “rainy day fund” material.
“I…uh… You probably saw the man who came here to speak with me.” I blinked back a few more tears and met his gaze and he nodded.
“I noticed. I believe Albert let him in. I wondered what was going on.”
I distinctly remembered seeing an angry glare on Mr. Lewis’s face when I ran into Lex and the cameraman’s lens was focused on me. It made sense now. Albert probably let him in so he could get a bit of juicy interaction on camera.
“My God,” I sighed, covering my face. “I think he’s going to try to sell that footage to the tabloids or something.” It wasn’t the first time. I remembered when I first got the job and a few months later I was at a doctor’s appointment, and when I came out Albert was there with a camera hoping to get pictures of me. Mr. Lewis had told him off back then for selling pics to the paparazzi for extra cash. He was at it again.
“I’ll deal with him. Now tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help if I don’t know.” He pulled the chair from my vanity across the room and sat down next to me, handing me another tissue which I used to clean my face.
“So that was Dr. Alexander Hartman, Sebastian’s father. We were together at one point and well…” I paused. My dirt didn’t need to be shared everywhere, and though I trusted Mr. Lewis, I was still ashamed. “Let’s just say it didn’t end well, and when he saw me on TV he wanted to see me so he came here.”
“And by the looks of it, it didn’t go well today either?” He leaned in and offered a hand for my soiled tissues. I placed them on his palm gratefully and he tossed them into the trash bin behind his seat.
“Not at all… And I really need to find out if he’s okay and well, we need to talk about some important things regarding Sebastian.” I’d taken so much time off work lately for being sick I hated asking for more time, but I knew my boss. He was a huge family man, having four children and three grandchildren of his own.
“Say no more. You take as long as you need to.” He held both hands up palms facing me and smiled. “Your job is secure here, Charlie. Your public loves you, and this place is really your extended family. We know you’re going to be back, and you keep drawing those ratings in so I have no problem supporting you. Besides, if you aren’t whole, your family isn’t whole. And if your family isn’t whole, how can you perform at your best here?” He stood and rubbed the top of Bash’s head softly and winked at me. “And if you need anything in the meantime, anything at all, you call me.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank you, Mr. Lewis. I appreciate that so much. I won’t be any longer than I absolutely have to be.”
He left me to my thoughts and already my mind was planning the trip. I didn’t even worry about packing up my things from the dressing room. I didn’t even change into my street clothes. I took my purse and phone, the diaper bag and my keys, and carried Sebastian down and buckled him in the car. We got home a little later than normal and he continued sleeping the whole way, so I laid him in bed and went straight to my room to pack.
As I threw things into a suitcase, I got my phone and called Amy, putting her on speakerphone as I sorted through my closet. I’d still have to get Bash’s things, but I didn’t want to make a bunch of noise in his room while he napped. If I could get a flight out today, I would. If not, I’d have to wait until tomorrow, but I didn’t want to wait long. I didn’t assume Lex would be sticking around California very long, as mad as he was.
“Hey, Charlie. What’s up?” Amy didn’t sound as concerned as she had last week when I was sick, but she did sound confused. I usually didn’t call her multiple times a week.
“Babe, I need your help.” I was a little out of breath from bopping around my room finding my clothes.
“Sure, anything. What gives?” I heard the distinct crackle of a food container and then crunching and I knew she was eating chips.
“I need to stay with you for a few days, and I need help with Sebastian.”
Amy’s crunching stopped for a second and then continued before she blurted out, “What? You’re coming to Florida?” It almost sounded like she choked on her bite but not in a good way. I hadn’t really been back to visit her. She’d been the one traveling to see me this whole time for a myriad of reasons but mostly because I was so hurt by things in my past, I couldn’t bring myself to return. She had to have assumed something had happened.
“Well, I got a surprise visitor at the studio today. And now I have a lot of explaining to do, if you know what I mean.” I slowly sank onto the foot of my bed and felt shame creeping into my cheeks, warming them.
“Tell me everything, and don’t leave a detail out!”
I didn’t, not a single detail. Amy was my best friend, and I needed to unload. And finally I had an outlet and the courage to vent, so I did. By the time I was done venting and Amy agreed to let me stay with her for a while and babysit Bash for me while I dealt with Lex, I was emotional again, and Bash was awake.
This would be one of the toughest things I’d ever done in my life, harder than raising a baby on my own, but I had no choice. It was the right thing, and I knew it.
I just hoped Lex didn’t hate me entirely. I didn’t want a nasty custody battle. In fact, after remembering how much I loved him, I wanted him.
I just didn’t hold out hope that he still wanted me after this.