30. Lex
30
The drink stared back at me the way it had for two days. I was home from San Francisco with nothing on my schedule and no escape from the reminder of who I’d been for the past two years. And after the shock of seeing Charlie with a baby, my baby, I didn’t know how to function. I was supposed to go on that trip to stop this nasty habit, but I came home early and now all I could think about was drowning this new pain in the same familiar crutch.
I sat in my desk chair staring at the tiny plastic shot glass filled to the brim with the cheapest whiskey I could buy. I just picked up the first thing I could find at the convenience store on my way up to the office. I didn’t even know what it was or what it tasted like, but the urge to drink was so overpowering I broke down and bought it. Now I knew I was going to cave in.
There were still three days left in my supposed vacation time, but I called Ella and had her open up my schedule which got booked up instantly. I wasn’t in the mood for patients, especially new patients, but if I sat at home I was going to be wasted and that wouldn’t be productive or healthy. Likely that would be the slippery slope that had me drinking daily again. But this, one shot at work, wouldn’t be so bad, right?
My phone rang and I already knew who it was. Mike told me to message him any time I felt like this. Like I was about to break my sobriety. He was my sponsor, the man I met at the hospital when the drug and alcohol counselor suggested him to me. He was a good man, and I was a jerk most of the time, but he kept showing up for me when I needed him. Like now, when I was craving this fix so badly.
I picked up my phone and answered, though it was with a bad attitude. “Mike…”
“Alex, how are you doing? I got your message.” Mike sounded concerned, the same tone Ella used when she was mothering me.
“I’m not good, Mike. I’m staring at some cheap liquor and I really want to drink it.” I clenched my jaw and wished I could take my eyes off the shot glass. But how could I? It was my solution, the medicine that fixed the problem. Just one or two sips and I’d be able to function again, and this time it wasn’t physical withdrawal. It was just the emotional pain.
“I know you think that, Alex, but you don’t. I promise you. You’re doing so well, and you’ve come so far. Imagine going through all that withdrawal again. Remember that you’ve already had a heart attack.” His words sank into my conscience and made me upset with myself. I had the courage to look away from the drink but the disappointment in my own behavior and cravings only made me want it more. I wasn’t just hurt because of Charlie’s secret. Now I was upset with myself for being so stupid.
“Mike, this is so hard.”
“Tell me why you are sober, Alex.”
The silence on the line wrapped around my thoughts directing them back to Charlie, to the pain, to my son, and then finally to my health. I was looking at this the wrong way now. I wanted to be healthy so I didn’t die young, so I could continue to build my practice. But now I had another reason, a better reason to need my health. I had a son. A son who would need his father for a very long time, and that wouldn’t happen if I gave myself another heart attack.
“For my health.”
“For your health, that’s right. And what will putting that drink in your body do?” he asked, and I had done this walk-through a hundred times.
“It will make me sick.” Every word I said made me feel better.
“And if you feel sick what happens?”
“I will keep drinking because I make myself emotionally upset. God, Mike, thank you. I don’t know how to thank you enough.” I picked up the shot glass and held it over the trash can and dropped it in, then stood and carried the bottle to the sink in the corner of the room and poured the entire contents out.
“No problem, Alex. That’s what I’m here for. Now, are you okay? Do you want to go to the meeting tonight?”
“Yeah, I do. I think I should.” I sighed and tossed the empty bottle in the trash and Mike said his goodbyes. Eventually, I’d be able to talk myself down, but until then I needed him. I was grateful for him in my life, even though it had been a huge adjustment having to be vulnerable and open with him. It was one of the reasons I had very few close relationships my entire life.
After washing my face and collecting myself, I went to the exam room to wait for my first patient of the day. Ella said she was a TV personality who wanted some light work done, though she didn’t say what. I figured maybe it was a bit more extensive or she was very shy about it. A lot of clients weren’t up front about what they wanted done right away, especially women. Sometimes they came in thinking they wanted one thing but changed their mind and got something else done later on.
I perched on my stool, and less than two minutes went by before Ella was ushering my new patient into the room. I stood as the door swung open and clasped my hands in front of myself, feeling more confident than ever, and my heart dropped to my feet when Ella stepped aside to let her enter.
“Dr. Hartman, this is Sarah Bricker. She’s here for some light work; I’ll let you discuss that.” Ella seemed to catch the shock on my face as my eyebrows rose. “Is everything okay, sir?”
“I’m fine,” I said curtly and then continued. “Please excuse us, Ella.” But my eyes were fixed on Charlie’s the entire time. She was up to her old tricks, making an appointment under a false name, with false pretenses.
Ella shot me a concerned look and glanced at Charlie before backing out. I had a feeling she was standing at the door listening, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready for this.
“Why are you here?” I asked, trying hard to contain my anger. That drink would have come in very handy right about now.
“Lex, please I want to talk to you. I knew this was the only way you’d see me. I thought I’d have to wait a month to get an appointment.” She moved closer to me, reaching for me but I backed away with both hands raised in defense.
“Please don’t touch me.” Her touch was electrifying. It was all it would take to make me soften, make me vulnerable again. The pain was too much. I was already wrestling with wanting to drink.
“Please, Lex. I never meant to hurt you. I really think if you just let me explain I?—”
“Let you explain?” I asked, feeling furious. “You stormed out of my life without an explanation, while you knew you were pregnant and you hid it from me. You gave birth to my child—MY CHILD—and didn’t tell me.” I felt my chest tightening and my pulse racing. It wasn’t good for my heart, but I couldn’t stop it.
This—this anger and outrage—was why I had left San Francisco five days ago to come home. I was going to say something I didn’t want to say and hurt her.
“Lex, please.”
“No, Charlie. Just leave. I’m not ready to have this discussion.”
“Lex!”
I glared at her, pointing a finger at the door and shouted, “Leave, now.” I didn’t care if Ella heard me. I wasn’t okay.
“You know what? Fine,” she snapped, and she spun around and opened the door, but she had more to say. “The only reason I ran off anyway was because everything told me you were cheating on me. And maybe you were, maybe you weren’t. Maybe you were just you and I never knew it. I came here thinking even if you had, I could live with that. I just wanted you to hear me out.” Everything she said was wrong, but it smacked me like a ton of bricks when the door slammed shut. She was gone, and I was shocked.
I sat down on the stool and stared at the floor where she just stood. She ran off because she believed I was cheating, and I’d given her every reason to believe that. I was late at times; I ran off during our evenings to meet other women. And I’d seen the footage from that disaster on the bridge and the pictures of me in Myra’s car. Charlie was hurt so badly by those stupid tabloids that she ran off and never looked back, and this whole time I had no clue.
I covered my face and rubbed, realizing what a fool I’d been. If only I’d taken time to reassure her, to cut back my client list and tell my patients no to evening and weekend visits. It was her mistake, the assumptions she made, but I hadn’t helped anything. And I had every right to be upset, but now I couldn’t be. Not when I realized the communication problem and why we lost two years of our lives over this.
God I was a fool. I thought she was running off like every other woman, and she just never explained.
Now I needed to make it right even though I’d done nothing wrong. I had to. For my son’s sake. Even if I had just ruined it forever.