12. Ethan
12
ETHAN
T here’s a wide smirk on my lips when I step out of the supply room, and I have to do everything I can to wipe it away.
I never should have allowed myself to touch her like that. It was an act from a desperate man.
A jealous man who had to sit and watch her have lunch with a guy who was probably much better suited for her. He’s her age and they look to have a lot in common.
She doesn’t want him, though. If she did, she wouldn’t have had any trouble giving him her attention at lunch today. She gave it to me, and it’s driven me crazy ever since.
The male nurse she had lunch with wasn’t allowed to touch her. Or he didn’t dare to. I did, so now I’ve marked my territory. She’s felt my hand on her hip, and I can only hope that it’s searing its way into her mind right now, planting a seed that I intend to water.
I drop the box of gloves onto the nurse’s station as I pass. “These are for room four-ten,” I say, heading for my office. I’m sporting a partial hard-on, so the last thing I need is to walk into a patient’s room. I didn’t need to go to the supply room for anything; I went in there because I saw her go in there, and after that lunch, I needed to be near her.
I’ve only been sitting in my office for a few minutes when the door opens, and Noah walks in. “What are you doing? Don’t you have work to do?”
He smirks. “This is more important.” He sits across from me. “Now that we’re in the privacy of your office, why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and the student nurse you were watching at lunch.”
“Hearing a little bit of gossip is more important than doing your job and SAVING PEOPLE’S LIVES?”
He waves his hand through the air, dismissing my concerns. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“You’re deflecting. Focus. Are you banging the student nurse?”
“No!”
He grins and nods. “You are, aren’t you?”
My eyes fall shut as I shake my head. “You’re going to kill me.”
He laughs. “You have to tell me something or I’ll form my own thoughts.”
“Nothing is going on. She called me, drunk off her ass, because she got left at a club and someone stole her wallet. She didn’t have any way to pay for a taxi home, so she asked me to pick her up.”
“And you did, right?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes, of course. But by the time I got there, she was beyond wasted. She threw up all over my shoes and passed out. I didn’t know where she lived, so I took her back to my place.”
“Yeah, you did.” He nods and grins.
“She slept in the guest bedroom. Nothing happened.”
“Oh,” he says, frowning.
“Nothing could happen. She was drunk and unconscious.”
He shrugs. “I thought maybe she woke up and something happened.”
“Sorry to disappoint you.”
“Then what?”
“Then she woke up, and I took her home. Nothing happened.”
“But you wanted something to.”
“For fuck’s sake! Fine. I think she’s gorgeous. Any man with eyes would. I’m not going to try and sleep with her. She’s too young for me, and I’m her boss. It could cost us our jobs. It could cost her the degree she’s working on.”
He rolls his eyes. “Only if someone finds out. Just stay quiet about it so you can get what you want. I saw the way she was watching you in there. She wants you just as badly as you want her. Trust me.”
“I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it because nothing is going to happen. I’m not putting the moves on the student nurse. Got it?”
He groans. “I don’t know why you have to make this so difficult,” he complains, standing up and trudging toward the door.
I lean back in my chair, letting my head fall back against the leather. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I don’t know if everything I told Noah is true. I know that I want it to be true. I want to have the strength I need to resist her. I want her to finish her term here and get the credit she needs to graduate. And then I want her to move on and find a job at another hospital far away from me so I’m no longer tortured day in and day out. The problem is that I rarely get what I want. I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist the pull much longer. I just pray for both our sakes that if I give in, she holds her ground.
***
The day is coming to an end, and I’m getting ready to leave for the day when I receive a page. I jump up from my desk and run down the hall to the patient’s room. Alarms are going off, and the nursing staff is huddled around the bed.
Ally rushes into the room. “Dr. Cole, I’m glad you’re here. This patient can’t wait for their scheduled surgery.”
I freeze when my eyes land on the patient, a three-month-old.
“Ally, I said page Dr. Harris, not Dr. Cole,” Val yells at her.
“Oh, shit,” Ally breathes, turning and running from the room to page Dr. Harris.
I’m already here, and I can’t just walk away when a patient needs help. I move closer to the child as the nurses work. One is forcing air into the infant's lungs, causing its chest to rise and fall. The other is checking the heartbeat and doing compressions to keep the heart beating. The baby is tiny and looks so lifeless. Every bit of knowledge flies out of my head. I have no idea what I need to do, and the longer I look at this child, the further from reality I get.
I’m drifting in and out of sleep as I sit in the chair in the hallway at the hospital, waiting. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. I’ve already lost my wife. Am I waiting for them to bring me my child? Am I waiting for them to break the news to me that I’m all alone in this world? Or am I just waiting to die because I have nothing left to live for?
My eyes open when I hear a commotion. I lift my head and look down the hallway, watching everyone run into the room. My chest is heavy like someone is sitting on it. I feel dizzy like it’s been too long since I’ve taken a breath. I’m numb. I’m no longer in control of my body. I don’t remember making the decision to run down the hall, but that’s what I’m doing. My body turns to rush into the room, but Noah is blocking my path. His hands move to my chest, and he eases me back. His mouth is moving, but I can’t understand him. I hear beeps and panicked voices but can’t make out what they’re saying, either. Then I hear Noah’s deep, soothing voice.
The next thing I know, I’m standing outside of the room, looking through the window as the hospital staff works on my child. Everyone is grouped around the baby, so I only get quick flashes of what’s going on. I see my child’s bare foot with a hospital band around the ankle. I see a little arm and a balled-up fist. I see the side view of a stomach and chest, neither of which are moving. Another nurse rushes past me with a crash cart. I don’t know how much time passes or how many times they have to do this, but I know the result the second they turn to me with sadness and guilt.
I am alone in the world. I lost my wife, and now, I’ve also lost my child.
“Ethan! Get out of here!” Noah yells, snapping me out of my memory.
I fall back a step before turning and rushing from the room. I nearly trip, but I catch myself on the doorframe. When I look up, Ally is standing in front of me with so many questions written on her face. I stand upright and look down at her, speechless. I don’t know what I can say to make this better. I don’t think I could find my voice even if I tried.
“Ethan! Go!” Noah yells again.
Ally steps aside, and I move away from her, that room, and the memories that refuse to leave me. When I reach my office, everything starts to speed back up. Tears sting my eyes as I pace. I do the only thing I know how to do. I rip open the bottom drawer of my desk where I keep a bottle of bourbon. I uncap it and bring the bottle to my lips, pouring a large gulp into my mouth. I swallow it, enjoying the burn because it’s the first thing that I feel that isn’t associated with that day. I take another drink and another and another until it feels like I can breathe again.
I collapse into my desk chair. It’s only now that I notice how badly my hands are shaking. Six years. Six long years and that night still feels as fresh as yesterday. I remember every second vividly. I remember what I wore that day. Brown dress pants, a blue button-down, and a brown belt that matched my shoes. When I woke up that morning, I told myself that I needed to remember to make a dinner reservation for our upcoming anniversary. I had already found the perfect gift. It was a gold necklace. It had three hearts grouped together, outlined in diamonds. I remember the first time I saw it. I knew she had to have it. The three hearts represented her, me, and our baby. I had her buried with it.
My eyes tear and I bring the bottle back to my mouth, pouring more whiskey down my throat. I take a shaky breath and try to think about anything else. I think back to last weekend, and seeing Ally in that dress. I think about feeling her soft skin and smelling her perfume. I remember fantasizing about her while I showered, how I jacked off and came harder than ever before. My cock twitches to life, and I know that this might not be the right path, but it’s a path, and it’s taking me away from that night, so I allow it to continue.
I think about watching her in the cafeteria today, how her cheeks reddened, and how she bit her lower lip when she looked up and found me watching her. I think about our little meeting in the supply room when I touched her hip. I remember how it felt when my groin pressed against her ass slightly. My hand tightens into a fist.
Fuck, what am I doing? I can’t replace one awful memory with a bad decision. I need to find a way to move on and live a healthy life again. I’m never going to be able to do that in the hospital where my wife and child died, and certainly not in the hospital where I’m tortured by the only other woman I’ve ever wanted this badly. Something is bound to happen if I stay here. I’ll either explode from holding it all in, or I’ll fuck up by doing something I shouldn’t. Either way, it doesn’t look good for me. I bring the bottle back to my lips, taking another swig as another wave of tingles washes over me.
***
I’m not sure how long I’ve been hiding in my office. I’m not sure how much bourbon I’ve had to drink. All I know is that the bottle is nearly empty, and the pain is gone. I feel nothing but numbness, and for once, numb feels good.
Someone knocks on my door. I figure it’s probably Noah after what happened out there. “Come in,” I call out.
The door opens, but it isn’t Noah who steps in. It’s Ally.
She closes the door behind her. “I hope I’m not interrupting,” she says, walking closer.
“There’s nothing to interrupt.” I sit up in my chair and grab the cap on the top of my desk, put it back on the bottle, and tuck it away. When I look back at her, she’s standing in front of my desk, watching me worriedly.
“I’m sorry for messing up that call today. I could’ve sworn that Val told me to page you.” She shrugs. “I guess I just had you on my brain after our meeting in the supply room.”
“It was an honest mistake, Ally. You have nothing to be sorry for.” I stand up, feeling a little dizzy, but I tighten my hold on my desk and remain composed.
“I didn’t know what happened. One minute, you were running in ready to save the day, and the next, your eyes glazed over, and you were gone.” She steps closer. “I know we don’t know one another that well, but I know when someone needs to talk.”
I shake my head, sitting on the edge of my desk. “What are you talking about, Ally?”
She walks around my desk, I turn, and our eyes lock. “I’m saying that if you ever need to talk, I’m here. I’ll listen. I won’t judge or get offended. It’s obvious that you need someone to open up to, and from what I’ve heard, you don’t have that. I’ll be that for you if you want,” she says, taking another step closer.
I get lost in her blue eyes. They remind me of the ocean on a dark, starless night. “You know what I want?”
“What?” she whispers.
“You,” I say, reaching for her.