Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
N isha was sitting on the edge of the bed, organising her pyjamas – pyjamas she hadn’t worn the night before. Chrissie looked at her back, her heart pounding and her stomach heavy.
“Sorry,” said Chrissie. It was the first time they’d been alone together since that morning. “I know I messed up.”
“You really did,” said Nisha. “What was that all about?” She continued to focus her attention on the hem of her green pyjamas.
Chrissie walked around and sat beside Nisha, desperate to create some kind of connection between them. She considered placing her arm against Nisha’s, but thought better of it. “Remember how you said I was too buttoned up, that I’d repressed part of myself?”
Nisha looked up for the first time, making brief eye contact.
“Well,” Chrissie continued, “after last night, I felt like life had possibility again. That maybe, the time had come to set aside my rules. It felt so freeing. And that’s because of you.”
“I get that,” said Nisha, “and I’m thrilled to hear it. Although, by the way, this is all you. You have the power to live your life the way that suits you best. But what about disappearing?”
“I just lost myself in that bookshop, reading and thinking and luxuriating in the space. I felt like I was somehow part of it, like I was essential to its being,” Chrissie sighed. She knew she wasn’t expressing herself the way she wanted to.
“You were at one with the bookshop?” said Nisha, a sarcastic tone to her voice that made Chrissie want to cry.
“No, no, I’m not articulating myself well. Sorry. I mean I just lost myself there. I started reading all about the history of the place and I could feel all the possibility of my life opening up. And I forgot about everything else,” said Chrissie, looking at the shabby chest of drawers against the wall in front of her.
“You forgot about us. I see,” said Nisha, her lips pursed.
Chrissie could feel her heartbeat, an echo of the way it had thumped when her ex-wife couldn’t seem to understand her excitement at chakra dancing. It hurt. “And this is why I have the rules,” she said, her voice low.
“Because you have a tendency to lose yourself,” said Nisha. Chrissie nodded. “Hmm. I see. I guess that makes sense.” Nisha sighed. “Might there be a middle way? Couldn’t you allow yourself happiness and freedom without getting in too deep and forgetting everyone around you?”
“I really don’t know,” Chrissie replied. There was a silent pause. Nisha stood up with her pyjamas and walked to the bathroom to get changed.