Chapter Seventeen Ryan
Chapter Seventeen
Ryan
Artemis is tense in my arms, but I wish she wouldn’t be. I know it’s all because of Brianne, who won’t stop glaring at us. At her, mostly.
When Grandma asked me to do this favor for her, of course I said yes.
It wasn’t something I necessarily had to do, since the Crawfords helped my grandmother out of kindness.
But Grandma doesn’t want to upset them or get on their bad side.
And anyway, it wasn’t a big deal to take Brianne to the Ball. It’s not as if I feel anything for her.
And now my debt is paid.
Of course I knew I would hurt Artemis by coming here with Brianne, but I hope she understands now that I’m done with Brianne.
Artemis is the only girl I want to talk to and dance with.
To do anything with, really. And I don’t want to think about what this might mean for us, because then I’ll push her away, and that’s the last thing I want.
Tonight, I won’t think. I’ll just do. After six weeks of feeling sorry for myself, I’m letting myself have a good time, just for tonight. With the girl who makes me feel things I haven’t felt before.
Artemis’s eyes are so pretty as they gaze into mine.
My gaze flicks to her lips for only a second before I pull them away.
As much as I wouldn’t mind kissing her, I know what that kiss would mean for both of us.
It’s better not to go down this road. As lame as it might sound, I’m Cinderfella, having a magical night with a great girl, but once the clock strikes twelve, reality will sink in and all this will be over.
“What?” she asks, her fingers brushing across my hair. “You just got this weird look on your face. Like you saw a ghost.”
I tighten my arms around her waist, wishing I could be someone else, someone who can possibly have something with her. She deserves it. A lot.
She’s still staring at me with twisted lips. Maybe she’s worried I don’t want to be here. I want to tell her I do, that I can’t stop thinking about her, no matter how much I try. But I don’t let the words out.
“I’m fine,” I assure her, placing my hand on the back of her head and lowering it to my chest. Then I rest my head on hers, taking in her perfume or shampoo or hairspray or whatever it is. She feels so good in my arms, like I’ve been waiting for this moment. For her.
My eyes open. No, I can’t….
She lifts her head off my chest. “What’s wrong? Your heart’s beating like you just ran a marathon.”
She’s right. I can feel it pounding in each of my limbs. I can’t talk, can hardly breathe, so I just gently lower her head back to my chest and inhale her scent that makes a calm feeling wash over me.
When she’s in my arms, I don’t think about my parents and the nightmares. For those few minutes, I’m at peace.
“Excuse me,” a voice demands.
Artemis and I raise our heads to find Brianne standing there, the vein in her forehead throbbing. Her eyes are fixed on Artemis. “That’s my date.”
Artemis looks at me unsurely, then shakes her head like she’s arguing with herself.
She shrugs to Brianne. “You know, Brianne. Just because you came here with a guy, doesn’t mean you’re glued to him.
And besides, you already danced with him.
” She turns around, wrapping her arms tighter around my neck.
Brianne continues to glare at us, but we don’t pay attention to her. She’s just a chair here, a chair that breathes and is most likely cursing us under her breath. But I don’t care, and it doesn’t seem like Artemis does, either.
Brianne lets out a groan before stomping back to her parents.
I’m a little worried they might take their anger out on my grandmother, but they can’t threaten us like that.
I don’t want us to be in their debt, so if my grandma needs money for her meds, I’ll give up my dream of buying that guitar.
I’ll give her all the money I’ll make from my drawings.
“You okay?” Artemis asks, scanning my face. “You kind of shut down.”
I shake my head, tossing my worries aside. “I’m good. Great.”
A shy smile forms on her mouth. “Because you’re dancing with me?”
“Yeah.”
Her face reddens slightly, and I feel a punch to my gut. What am I doing? I already know she has a crush on me, and now I’m giving her false hope that this could turn into something?
I want it too, so, so badly. For the first time since my parents died, I want to go out and spend time with another person. To just live in the moment.
But…how can I? How can I be happy when they’re dead?
“I’ve never seen you smile,” Artemis says as we sway to the beat of the soft music. I don’t even realize my body’s moving. It’s like it knows what to do without my directing it. “I bet you’d look good,” she continues.
I tear my gaze away. I don’t think I have it in me to crack a smile.
“It’s no big deal,” she quickly says, probably noticing my arms have loosened from around her waist. “I was just thinking out loud. Sorry.”
I shake my head. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s just that…” I shake my head again. “It’s nothing.”
Her beautiful green eyes fill with curiosity and sympathy. “I get it. You’ve been through stuff. We’ve all been through stuff. I can’t say I’m not curious, though.”
I lift a brow. “About me?”
She nods.
I puff out my cheeks, then lower her head to my chest and lay mine on hers. Why is it so hard to move on? To let myself be happy?
Because I was selfish. I went to that party. I left the laptop plugged in for too many hours. I was so careless, I let my parents die in that fire. I wasn’t even home to save them, to warn them. To do something. No, I was out with my friends.
If someone were to analyze me, they’d tell me that the reason I don’t want friends is because I feel too guilty to have any. It’s because I had so many friends that I couldn’t save my parents that night.
But I shove all these thoughts aside and focus on this dance. On Artemis. I can feel many people watching us, can hear their whispers. But I shut my eyes and tune them out. Right here, right now, with my arms wrapped around this awesome girl, is where I want to be.
***
It’s after midnight when Artemis’s driver drops me off.
I’ve never ridden in a limo before and can’t say I wouldn’t mind doing it again.
But of course that will never happen. It can’t happen.
Not only do Artemis and I come from different worlds, I still won’t let myself open up to the idea of a girlfriend.
It’ll only hurt me and her. And I really don’t want to hurt her again.
“How was the Ball?” Grandma nearly gives me a heart attack. She’s sitting in the kitchen, in the dark, her hand wrapped around a glass of water.
I slide onto the chair beside her. “Was good.”
She waits for me to say more, but I don’t. We’ve been uttering more than a few words to each other, but I don’t feel comfortable enough to pour my heart out to her, or to anyone, really.
“Did you have a good time? Brianne really likes you, and I’m sure her parents do as well.
” She takes my hands. I’m tempted to pull away, but there’s something nice about my grandmother’s touch.
It’s like my body craves it to make up for all the years we’ve lost. “You could have a good life with her. I’m sorry I can’t provide you with much. ”
I pull my hands away. “I don’t like Brianne. And I definitely don’t want a future with her.”
She nods slowly. “Okay. I know you’re too young to be thinking about the future and marriage, but she’s a good catch.”
“I don’t like her.”
She studies me. “But there is someone you like.”
I avert my gaze, swallowing the lump in my throat. “No.”
She rubs my hand, her face washed with pain. But hope is mixed in, too. “You’ve had a rough time after your parents died, but you know you can be happy, right? Your mom and dad would want that for you.”
I yank my hand out of hers again. “I’m tired. Going to bed.”
“All right. Good night, Ryan.”
I wish her the same, then go to the bathroom to shower. The only thoughts in my mind are what my grandma just said. I know Mom and Dad wouldn’t want me to mope around all day. They’d want me to move on, to build a life for myself. To be happy. But I can’t. I just can’t.
Artemis’s face floats before my eyes. She hasn’t given up on me. No matter how many times I’ve pushed her away, she keeps coming back. Why? And it’s not only because she has a crush on me. I don’t know how I know this, I just do. It’s like it bothers her that I’m alone and don’t have friends.
Brianne doesn’t leave me alone, either, but that’s because she wants to date me. I don’t think she cares about me, not like Artemis does.
I shut my eyes, letting out a breath. What does it matter? I’m not boyfriend material. Not anymore. As much as I wish I could be, I’m just not.