Chapter Eighteen Ryan
Chapter Eighteen
Ryan
Saturday morning, I’m woken up by the sound of my phone dinging. Groggily, I reach for it and as soon as I realize it’s a text from Artemis, my eyes pop open.
Want to hang out today? Maybe catch a movie?
It’s eight in the morning. Why the heck is she up so early?
Was she maybe not able to sleep last night? Just like I couldn’t? I was up most of the night, reliving the evening over and over again. For the first time in over a month, I didn’t have a nightmare of that night.
Even though I can’t be the guy for her, I still want her in my life. I decided it’s best for us to be friends. Hopefully she’ll be cool with that.
I text her back. Can’t, have plans with my grandmother. Maybe tomorrow?
She responds right away with a thumbs-up emoji.
I try to go back to sleep, but it’s just not happening. It’s not long before I’m calling her.
“Hey, Ryan,” she says with more energy that’s needed so early in the morning.
“You’re up early,” I say.
She laughs awkwardly. “I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about last night. You know, like the food and the music. It was in my head all night.”
My heart pounds as I wait for her to say more, to maybe tell me she was thinking about me. But she doesn’t. Is it possible she doesn’t see me as more than a friend?
Why does that bother me when I want the same?
“Me, too,” I tell her. “And then I finally fell asleep, only to be rudely woken up by your text.” I’m trying to tease her, but it’s not really coming off that way.
“Oh, oops.” She laughs awkwardly again. “I don’t know what I was thinking, sorry.”
I wave my hand, even though she can’t see. “It’s okay. I’m just teasing you.”
Another awkward laugh.
Silence.
“So what are your plans with your grandma? Doing anything fun?”
“Yeah, we’re going to an art museum. It was her idea, actually. I think she wants us to spend more time together.” I don’t know why I said that. It’s the most I’ve revealed about myself to anyone.
“That’s great. You guys aren’t very close, right? Sorry, it’s none of my business. People tell me I pry too much.”
“It’s okay,” I find myself saying. I don’t know why it’s okay. I hate talking about myself, but it’s different with her. “You’re right, we’re not really close. But we’re working on it.”
“I’m happy about that. Um…what happened to your parents?”
My heart clenches as Mom’s terrified face appears before my eyes. I shut them quickly to rid the image and say, “What are your plans for today?”
“Uh, nothing much. Probably going to read Pride and Prejudice for the millionth time. Then I might watch the movie.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“You don’t really mean that.”
“Why not?”
She’s quiet for a bit. “I don’t know. I guess I’ve been feeling a little lonely ever since Jenna and Jason became a thing. They always include me in their plans, but I know they don’t really want me there.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to invite her to the museum with me and Grandma, but I press my lips shut. I don’t want my grandmother to think Artemis and I are…together. And besides, I’m pretty sure she isn’t interested in an art museum.
She laughs again. “Wow I can’t believe I told you that. You probably think I’m a loser.”
“No, I don’t. I don’t have friends, either, remember?”
She sighs. “But you don’t want any. I mean, I’m happy for Jenna. She deserves to be happy, but I guess I miss our girl time.” She clears her throat. “Anyway, I should let you go back to sleep.”
“I’m not tired anymore.”
“Oh, okay.”
Quiet.
I should hang up, but I want to keep talking to her. “Remember how I said I didn’t want to be your friend?” I ask after a few minutes.
“Yeah?”
“I…I do want that. To be your friend, I mean. I’m sorry I was a jerk to you.”
“It’s okay.”
It’s not, but I don’t want to get into this right now, or ever. I don’t want to talk about my parents’ deaths at all.
“Maybe I can come over after I’m done with the museum,” I find myself saying. “And we can watch that movie together.”
“What? You mean, Pride and Prejudice?”
“Yeah.”
“Um…why?”
“What do you mean?”
She’s quiet for a bit. “There aren’t many guys who’d choose to watch that movie.”
I shrug. “I’ve never seen it. Read the book for school, but I don’t really remember it.”
“So…you want to watch it? With me?”
I’d be lying if I said I wanted to watch it for the movie and not because of her. As much as I try to pull away from her, I just keep being pushed to her. It’s like she’s got a huge magnetic charge, yanking me in.
“Yeah, I want to watch it,” I tell her. “Is it really that shocking?”
“Dude, I don’t get you. One bit.”
My mouth opens, then shuts, eyebrows furrow. “What?”
“I just don’t get you. But sure, you can come over. I won’t start without you.”
“I’m not sure how long we’ll be at the museum. Could take the whole day. I’ll text you.”
“Sure. If you don’t have time, we’ll just watch it tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
I can picture her smiling. “Cool. So I’ll see you? Have fun at the museum.”
“Thanks, have fun with your book.”
She laughs. “Oh, you bet I will.”
I wait for her to hang up, but she doesn’t. We sit here for I don’t know how long before I force myself to tell her I’ve got to go and hang up. I remain on my bed, staring at the floor as I think about our conversation. If she’s just a friend, why can’t I stop thinking about her?
Reaching for my sketchpad, I flip to the drawing I finished last night, before I went to bed. Artemis’s smiling face stares up at me. This is my third drawing of her. Why? What does it mean?
“Ryan?” Grandma knocks on my door.
I quickly shut the sketchbook as she sticks her head in. “I knew I heard your voice. You’re up already?”
I shrug. “Figured we can get started on the museum early so we can get a lot done.”
She nods. “Okay, but the museum isn’t really that big, not like the Met. That was your favorite museum in New York City, wasn’t it?”
I nod, looking away. I used to go to the Met with my parents every so often.
I get to my feet, sliding the sketchpad into a drawer of my end table. Then I follow my grandma into the kitchen, where she made breakfast. We don’t really say much. I think about those weekends with my parents and I bet she’s thinking about my dad, maybe about his childhood years.
Once we’re done eating and tidy up a bit, we make our way to her car and head for the museum. My phone is on my lap, my fingers hovering to text Artemis. But what should I say?
Grandma talks about different things as we pass through town, the history and the buildings, some memories of her growing up here. She’s never once left town, never even been to New York to visit Mom, Dad, and me.
“What happened between you and my dad?” I ask. “He told me you guys grew distant over the years, but is it more than that?”
She sighs. “Honestly, it happened so long ago it’s hard to remember.
He met your mom in college in New York and wanted to move there after he graduated.
I wanted him to stay here, in the town he grew up in.
I wanted him to raise kids here. We started arguing and he told me he never liked living here.
He said he hated this town. I took offense to that because this town was a big part of me.
We said some more hurtful things and the next minute, he was gone from my life.
He only sent me letters and pictures when you were born.
And on your birthdays. I always…I wish we could have rekindled our relationship.
I always dreamed we would. And now it’s too late. ”
I stare out the window, swallowing the rock lodged in my throat.
Grandma rests her hand on my knee. “It’s okay to talk about them, Ryan.”
“I’m fine.”
She doesn’t say anything, focusing on her driving. After a few minutes, she starts telling me about Dad’s life here. “I see so much of him in you,” she says, voice laced with pain. “He was so kind and thoughtful. Was a good person and a great friend. His memory will live in your heart.”
I continue staring out the window because I can’t bear looking at her. When I was little, I wanted to be just like my dad. Brave like him, kind like him. I wanted to be compassionate like my mother. I don’t know if I’m anything like them, but at least I’ll always have something to strive for.
“Despite what happened, Ryan,” Grandma says after a few minutes, “I’m glad we have the chance to get to know each other now.”
I nod, my throat too tight to talk.
We reach the museum and enter. It’s empty because we’re early, but that just means we’ll have more time to dedicate to each gallery. Grandma was right—this museum is nothing compared to the Met in New York City. But there’s something nice and sweet about it.
Grandma listens intently as I read the small descriptions under each painting. She’s either really into this, or pretending to be since this is my thing. I’m leaning toward the former.
We spend the entire morning checking out painting after painting. Then we settle down at a restaurant near the museum. Both Grandma and I order the same pasta dish.
She smiles at me. “Your father loved pasta, too.”
I nod as I remember Mom making his favorite pasta dish for their twentieth anniversary this past year. I wonder if they’re together now, in the afterlife or wherever people go to after they die. I wonder if they’re looking down at me. If they’re disappointed at how I turned out.
Grandma squeezes my hand that’s on the table, giving me a wide smile. I wish I could return one, but my lips feel like they’re made of cement.
“Any plans for the rest of the day?” Grandma asks as we buckle up in the car half an hour later.
“Yeah, I’m going to watch a movie at a friend’s house.”
She blinks at me like she didn’t hear that right. “A friend? Who is he?”
“Her name is Artemis.”
A look shines in her eyes, and I bet she’s forming all different theories in her head. “Oh. I didn’t realize you two were hanging out.”
“She’s just a friend, Grandma. We hung out a bit at the Ball.”
She gets that same look. “Artemis is a sweet girl. She used to grab handfuls of my cookies every year at the festival.” She laughs. “Oh, she was so adorable. She still is. And her parents are good people.”
“She’s just a friend.”
Grandma holds up her hands. “I didn’t insinuate anything.
Artemis is a good friend to have.” She hesitates.
“I meant to talk to you about something. Soccer season will start up soon. Have you thought about trying out for the team? Your dad told me a few years ago that you’re quite the player. You still play, don’t you?”
I lean my head on the seat. “No. Not anymore.”
She nods slowly. “All right, if that’s what you want. I figured I’d throw it out there, let you think about it.”
“Already have. Soccer is part of my past.”
The rest of the drive is quiet, except for Grandma telling me more stories about this town.
It’s been around forever and has lots of history.
I’ve never been part of something like this.
A community where everyone cares about one another.
Most people have been living here their whole lives, and like Grandma, never left once.
Grandma drops me off at Artemis’s house, waving and telling me to have fun. She still has that twinkle in her eye.
I ring the bell, and no more than a few seconds pass before the door flings open to reveal my new friend. She smiles. “How was the museum?”
“Good.”
She widens the door, inviting me inside. “My parents and brother aren’t home, so it’s just the two of us. Um, want food? I ordered pizza.” She gestures to the box on the table.
“Thanks, but I already ate.”
We stand there staring at each other. I slip my hands into my pockets, not taking my eyes off her. She shifts from one foot to the other, keeping her focus on me.