Chapter 31 #2
My sobs finally overtake me, and Luka’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest. “Shh, baby, you’re okay.
I’m not upset with you. Not anymore. You never asked me to do what I did, and it wasn’t fair of me to punish you for that,” he whispers between my sobs, kissing my head like he’s trying to take the guilt from me.
“But… How can you forgive me so easily?”
He pulls away to look at me, a small smile curving at his lips.
“I don’t know if I’d say it was easy.” He brushes a thumb over my cheek.
“I’ll admit, I was angry, but more than anything, I felt betrayed after I didn’t hear from you.
I think a part of me always knew your father was the culprit, but it felt good directing my anger toward you.
I needed to hate you because it was the only way to heal my broken heart.
” He shakes his head. “But knowing you showed up, that you tried to make things right, fuck, that’s all the explanation I need. I don’t hate you, Scout. Far from it.”
“Please don’t be mad at Jett,” I say through sniffles. I sit up, wiping my tears with the back of my hand. “He was just trying to help you. I shouldn’t have listened to him. I should’ve tried harder.”
“I’m not mad at him either. His intentions were good. He was doing what he thought I needed, trying to protect me.”
“You’re really not mad? Because you have every right to be. You have every right to hate me. I ruined your life, Luka.”
He quirks a brow in challenge, his lips pulling into a smirk. “Let’s be real, Scout. I don’t think my life’s turned out to be too shabby. I’m a lot luckier than most people I met in prison.”
“Do you hear yourself right now? I know you don’t think it’s a big deal, but I robbed you of three years of your life. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not haunted by that. Sometimes the guilt is so strong I think it’s going to eat me alive.”
Luka takes my hand and kisses me on the wrist. “You’ve carried that weight for long enough, and I want you to know I forgive you.
I forgave you as soon as I knew you’d gotten away.
” Then he does the same to my other hand before wrapping my arms around his neck.
“I think over time, I started to find comfort in the anger I felt toward you. Because as fucked up as it may be, anger was the closest thing to love I could feel.”
I suck in a breath as his words hang in the air between us.
“I was just thankful that I could still feel something for you. Like my anger and your guilt were the invisible ropes tying us together. I’d have happily festered in my anger toward you for the rest of my life if you hadn’t shown back up.
And the moment I realized I was in a position to help you, I couldn’t volunteer fast enough. ”
“Luka—”
“Come on, there’s one more surprise I want to show you.” Without another word, I let him lead me back to his bike.
A little while later, after a silent motorcycle ride through the mountains giving us both time to clear our heads, Luka pulls up to his house.
We make our way inside as my nervous butterflies transform into bats in my belly.
Tonight, Luka’s shown me a whole new side to him, a side I never knew he’d been hiding.
His teasing and smart ass remarks I can deal with, but this gentleness he’s shown me, the way he basically confessed his feelings for me… It all feels so vulnerable. So raw. And I find myself feeling terrified for what happens next.
You’ve already married him—and slept with him—what else do you really have to be afraid of?
That thought has my brain going into overdrive as a multitude of terrifying images come to mind.
Luka must sense my panic because he intertwines our fingers, then kisses the back of my hand. “Relax, Girl Scout. You’re going to love it,” he says with a wink. He tilts his head toward the staircase. “Come on. It’s upstairs.” There’s hesitation in my steps as I follow him up the stairs.
When we pass his office door, I grow more confused as I follow him to the locked door of my childhood bedroom.
His hand pauses over the fingerprint scanner as he looks at me.
“I’ve been waiting for the right time to show you this, but I wanted it to be special.
I know you don’t believe me when I said I forgave you, so maybe this will convince you. ”
He pushes open the door, and I suck in a gasp as I step inside my childhood bedroom, which he’s kept perfectly intact.
“Oh my God. Luka… How did you?—?”
“I made your parents an offer they couldn’t refuse,” he says, stepping behind me as I take in all the memories.
I want to press him on that, on why he’d do such a thing, especially when he hated me, but I’m too overwhelmed right now in the best possible way.
My four-poster white bed sits in the center of the room, with my lavender gingham print bedspread.
The stuffed bunny I carried around everywhere I went until I was six, until my mother told me I was too big to play with stuffed animals, rests against my pillow.
My fingers trace his worn-out fur, matted and scratchy after so many trips through the washing machine.
My parents didn’t even give me a chance to come back home to collect some of my childhood treasures; telling me they’d sold the house and donated all my old things months after they were already settled in their new house. I’d thought I’d lost this stuff forever.
My eyes drift to the pictures, the band posters, and the Girl Scout sashes filled with all my various badges, displaying all the awards I received throughout high school.
My mother hated the way I decorated my bedroom, messing up her curated princess aesthetic with my angsty teenage bands and silly snapshots with Luka.
But my room was the one area of my life where I didn’t listen to her.
It was my safe place, my own little haven away from all the pressure of the world outside.
Seeing this room exactly as I left it has so many memories rushing back to me, and it feels like I’m being transported back in time.
Tears fill my eyes as I pick up a photo.
Seven-year-old me smiles at the camera, wearing her bright blue Daisy vest, holding an arm full of Girl Scout cookies.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I’d sold more than anyone in my troop, thanks to Mrs. Kingsley, and I’d received a special badge for it. I was so proud of that badge.
I thought they were proud of me, too, but now I realize they were just pleased with the positive attention they received on my behalf.
That was made clear by my mother’s abrupt mood shift from being annoyed that she had to cancel their dinner plans for a stupid Girl Scout ceremony, to insisting we go out for ice cream to celebrate.
A fat teardrop falls on the photo as I take in my younger self. My innocent eyes, full of excitement, full of so many hopes and dreams.
I think everyone wishes they felt something other than disappointment when they look at photos of their younger self.
But when I look at little Scout, I can’t help but feel like I’ve let her down…
Suddenly, I see myself in a whole new light, and when I spin to face Luka, I think he realizes it too.
“You kept everything,” I say in a whisper.
But then my gaze drifts to the dark-framed Phantom portrait I painted in art class when I was fifteen, and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to hold back my sob. I move toward the portrait, tracing my fingers along the thick, textured paint.
The haunting silhouette of the Phantom standing in the forest fills the dark canvas, the layers of black and deep green creating a depth that’s almost indistinguishable in the dim light. My eyes search the painting, immediately finding all the hidden words layered in the shadows.
Only the shadows tell the truth.
Good girls keep quiet.
They cut out my tongue to keep me silent, so I learned to speak with paint.
Am I perfect enough yet?
My eyes well with tears as I trace my fingers along the jagged paint, remembering every word I hid in the shadows and every emotion I felt as I painted it.
I never thought I’d see this again. She said she threw it away… “How do you have this?”
“I dug it out of the trash can after your parents went to bed. There was no way I could let her throw it away. I knew how much it meant to you.” He wets his lips.
“I thought someday I’d hang it in my office, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at it every day…
” His voice trails off, and he doesn’t have to say the words for me to know what he means.
“I can’t believe you kept it… all this time…”
“Of course I did. I know how much this stuff meant to you. I couldn’t make myself get rid of it.
” He shoves one hand in his pocket like he’s trying not to fidget and gestures to the door.
“Except the door. I had to change it when I had the locks installed, but I tried to match the paint color on the inside as best as I could.” He rubs the back of his neck, not meeting my eyes.
“I have a cleaning crew that comes to dust once a week, but besides that, no one comes in here. I don’t want you to think I invaded your privacy or anything like that.
I just thought I’d keep it for you… You know, until you were ready. ”
“Thank you.” It’s all I can manage as I throw myself into his arms, burying my face in his chest.
His hands come up around me, cradling me in a tight hug that feels like home.
“I’m glad to see that you’re happy and not creeped out.
I just wanted you to always have your memories, so you can remember where you came from on the way to where you’re going.
” He presses a kiss on the top of my head as his arms squeeze me tighter.
“I can’t believe you did this… You kept everything exactly how I left it.”
“I knew you’d need a place to come back to… eventually.”
I shake my head, trying to process everything he’s told me tonight, wondering how I ever missed it. All this time, he was right here, right under my nose.
I inch up on my tiptoes where my lips find his in a frantic, needy kiss. His hands move to my back, then he’s cupping my ass as he lifts me. My legs wrap around his waist as he walks us down the hallway.
When he passes his bedroom door, I pull away and look around. “Where are you going? Your bedroom is back that way?”
His long stride carries me to the stairs as he says, “I was thinking it’s about time I introduced you to my playroom… if you’re up for it?”
I swallow a gulp, the fluttering bats in my belly returning with a vengeance. “Of course. Sounds fun.”
“You know, that’s exactly what I was thinking,” Luka says with a laugh that already has me sweating bullets.
Holy shit! Here goes nothing.