Don’t You Want Me

Chapter 20

N oise assaulted Lisa before anything else. Plates clanging, glasses clinking, and loud voices all speaking at once. She smelled burnt coffee and pungent bacon. Hands gripped hers, but she kept her eyes scrunched shut. Her stomach was in a knot as she heard a woman’s staccato words intermixed with snapping chewing gum. “Honey, have you decided what you’re going to order? I don’t have all day, and we’re really busy. What do you want?”

Lisa opened one eye and saw Stephanie, holding her breath while sitting across from her. The waitress quick-quick tapped her pen on the pad in her hand.

Lisa loosened her grip, sighing as she leaned back in the booth, the soft plastic crunching against her back. She closed her eyes once more, took a deep breath and, when she reopened them, she put on her cheesiest smile and said to the waitress, “Could we have a couple more minutes please? I’m not sure what I want yet.”

Harumphing and mumbling under her breath, the waitress scurried to the next table.

Stephanie leaned forward, mouth agape. “We’re back?” Her question sounded more matter of fact than surprised.

Lisa turned her head in all directions, taking in the surroundings. The tablecloth was the same red-and-white checker pattern with little blue sailboats in each square. Buoys and ropes decorated the walls painted sea blue, but the main point of attraction was the huge clock on the wall above the diner counter. Shaped like an anchor and spanning about four feet around, it emitted a sound like a foghorn at the hour and half hour.

It was this blaring sound that assured Lisa they were back in the correct place. They had been sitting in this diner, holding hands, when they traveled into that world without The Human League. Returning to the same diner meant she was married to Adam now, and this Stephanie sitting with her was his mistress. The realization they were back assured her she’d done something right. Now the question was what next? The thought of more traveling through time pierced Lisa’s temples. Elbows on the table, she leaned her head into her hands, pushing her palms into her eyes to soothe her head.

“Lisa, are you OK? Did you hear me? Are we back?”

All Lisa could muster for the moment was “I think so.” She raised her eyes to Stephanie, who was nearly jumping out of her seat. “I can’t believe we did that!” She leaned into the table getting closer to Lisa. In a conspiratorial whisper that was much too loud, she added, “I thought we’d be stuck back there…wherever back there was. But here we are again.” She put her hand into her pocket and flashed a wide smile. “Ah, yes. My cell phone.” She took it out, typed for a few seconds, and shrieked, “Aha! The Human League. They exist again. We’re geniuses. I don’t know how, but they’ve reappeared.” She continued to mutter while continuing to search through her phone.

A grumbling stomach reminded Lisa that food might help disappear her headache. She leaned over the side of the booth and called out to the waitress, “We’re ready for our order.” As she said the words, she wondered if the time traveling were responsible for the headaches. She’d never gotten a final decision from that neurologist who was examining her pineal gland. It felt that had happened in another lifetime, and she wondered if she’d ever return to that.

Nothing waited for her in that life. She had no marriage to speak of, a dead son, and a dead mother. What was the point of returning? Here she had everything she had always dreamed of.

The waitress returned. “It’s about time. I’m getting old waiting for you two.”

Just as Lisa was about to speak, Stephanie jumped in, talking fast like a little kid. “I’m starving. I’ll have a couple of eggs over easy, sliced tomatoes, and rye toast. That’s it.” She smiled at Lisa. “Oh, and a cup of coffee. Large.”

Without skipping a beat, the waitress droned to Lisa. “What about you, honey?”

Lisa watched Stephanie return her attention to her phone. She might have everything she wanted, but this woman had lost everything she had. Guilt choked her just then. Turning to the waitress, she swallowed tears that threatened to escape. “I’ll have the same please.”

She reached out to Stephanie with a touch of her hand. “We’re back in the right time. This is where we started.”

Stephanie put down the phone. “You know, Lisa, it’s been a whirlwind of a trip. I’d say that it was drug induced almost. But even if I believe that everything I saw was real, I have doubts now about my life. I mean…” She cleared her throat and looked at her hands as a flush rose to her cheeks. “I’m your husband’s mistress. I thought we were becoming friends and all, but how can you forgive me? And what do I do with him now? I mean he has been such a faithless creep.”

Shaking her head, Lisa leaned back in her seat. “I used to think I was certain about everything I wanted. Now, I’m not so sure.”

Stephanie leaned back also, “Looks like we both have some thinking to do.”

***

After driving Stephanie to her apartment, Lisa returned to her house. She sat outside in her car, pondering the task ahead of her. She could see the girls through the front bay window, jumping up and down on the furniture. A face appeared, peeking around the curtains. Her beautiful mother.

Lisa got out of the car and walked up the steps to the front door. Before she could turn the knob, the door flew open. Her mother swept her into her arms in a big hug as if she’d been gone forever. “Sweetheart, you’re home. How did it go?”

Comforted by her embrace, Lisa didn’t move, smelling her mother’s hair, noticing the softness of her cheek. Everything was just as she remembered from her youth. Being back in her presence, she realized how very much she had missed her, not just from the past few hours that she was gone, but from all the years after her death. All that time she had pushed down the missing and the grieving to make room for living, but, in this here and now, all she wanted was to stay forever, to settle for a half-life with a husband who was nonexistent and to have a family that would make up for that emptiness. She sighed in contentment and disappointment, tears gathering at her eyes knowing this might be temporary and, certainly, not real.

But was it? Wasn’t it possible to simply stay? Who would know the difference anyway?

Lisa pushed herself away and looked straight into her mother’s clear eyes. “It went well. I’m back. We can talk later.”

Her mother raised an eyebrow in that inimitable way she had, half accusation, half disbelief. “Sure honey. We can talk whenever you’re ready.” She embraced Lisa again, then stepped back to let her in the door. “In the meantime, go see your daughters. They’ve been asking for you all day.”

Suzette and Natalie came running towards Lisa as she stood in the doorway to the sunny kitchen. “Mommy! Mommy! You’re back!” The girls crushed her legs in giant hugs, wrapping themselves around her. Lisa reached her arms down to caress their heads and froze in that instant as feelings of love overwhelmed her. All three of them stood there like a giant tree with roots deep into the ground.

Suzette squealed, “Play Monster!”

Natalie chimed in immediately, “Yes, play Monster Mommy!”

Lisa wasn’t sure what they meant and tousled their hair while she tried to imagine a game. “Monster? I don’t remember what you’re talking about.”

Natalie raised her soulful eyes. “Yes, you do. We always play. You pretend you’re a monster who’s grabbed us and are taking us away to be fed to the wicked witch.”

“If I’m the monster, who’s the wicked witch?”

As one, the girls shouted, “Grandma!”

Growling from her throat and with deliberate exaggerated movements, Lisa pushed her hands against the girls’ backs, so they would hold tightly to her legs. She continued growling and moved in giant steps. “I’m the Mommy Monster, and I’m going to take you naughty girls to the wicked witch, so she can cook you into a hearrrrrty meal for me! Grrrrr! Because I’m a hungrrrrrry monsterrrrr!” She took large bulky steps while the girls hung on squealing with delight and fake fear. “No, please, Monster Mommy, don’t hand us to the wicked witch—take us to our real mommy please!”

“Nooooo! You’re going to be baked into a pie, so I can eat you up!” With that, they had reached the doorway to the kitchen where Lisa’s mother stood watching the whole scene. “Here you go wicked witch! Delicious little girls to be cooked for me!”

“Nooo!” came the peals of laughter.

Lisa’s eyes locked with her mother’s. With the children laughing as if in the background, the world of Lisa’s awful decision came crashing on her. These children loved her even though she didn’t deserve them. Her mother loved her too. She had missed this family even though she had never known it. How can one miss something one doesn’t know exists? And yet, there it was, alive and palpable, breathing in the form of two towheads hanging on to her legs and one all-consuming maternal love she hadn’t been able to enjoy for most of her life. This is what she would be giving up by going back to the emptiness of her “real” world.

Her throat tightened, and her words came out choked as she leaned down to unfurl the children’s arms from her. She knelt at their eye level and continued the game that was no longer pretend.

“Oh, my dear sweet children!” she said in a sugary sweet voice. “I’ve missed you so much! The Monster Mommy is gone. I will save you from the wicked witch.” She hugged them to her like a lifeline.

Suzette was the first one to step away from her embrace. “Mommy. Don’t be sad.” She wiped a tear from Lisa’s cheek. “It’s only pretend, Mommy, and that’s only Grandma. You don’t need to cry.”

Lisa hugged them again, her heart breaking, and her head exploding in pain.

***

After the girls had a snack, they went to the backyard to play with the dog. As they were skipping out, Suzette yelled “Stop!” Everyone stood still. “I’m going to bring my music box!” She ran to the playroom and came back holding a plastic toy shaped like an old-fashioned television set. “See, Mommy? This plays music.” She handed it to Lisa, who looked at the box, not knowing what to do with it. “Look, Mommy. I’ll wind it up for you. It will play all by itself. I’m going to put it here on the table, so you and Grandma can talk and listen to nice songs while Natalie and I play with Rufus.” Suzette adjusted the plastic knobs and tinny music started playing. She left the box on the table in front of the two Adirondack chairs on the deck and ran off to meet her sister on the ground.

Sipping on a cup of hot tea her mother had made her, Lisa watched them as she leaned in the open doorway. Liminal spaces gave her a place to think. She felt, more than heard, her mother approaching her. The older woman’s voice was kind. “They are so joyous, aren’t they, dear? So innocent.”

Lisa didn’t take her eyes away from the children as she spoke. “It’s because of that innocence that I’m so torn.” She turned to face her mother. “Mom, I don’t know what to do now. I want to stay so badly, yet I know that’s not the right thing to do.”

“Come, let’s go outside and breathe in all this warmth we have right now.”

Sitting on the deck chairs, they watched the girls play tag with the dog as if the poor beast had any chance at their games. Gladys spoke first. “Sweetheart, I know you keep saying you need to leave, but I’m not really clear what you mean by that. I know you spoke about coming from another place, but I’ve been wondering if that isn’t just all the stress of your husband being…well, you know…being the way he is. When you say you’re leaving, are you thinking of leaving him?”

Lisa put her cup of tea down on the left side of her chair and leaned into the right side to be closer to her mother. “Mom, are you saying you don’t believe I’ve been time traveling?”

Gladys moved closer to Lisa and whispered. “Honey, are you really still thinking that you time travel? I thought you were just saying that as a metaphor or something.” Gladys looked away from Lisa for a moment and gazed at the girls playing. When she turned to Lisa, she had a quizzical look on her face. “Is the stress of marriage that much? Are you just saying that to make an excuse to leave your husband?” Gladys put her hand to her chest and gasped. “Are you considering leaving the girls behind when you leave Adam?”

Lisa couldn’t understand how this conversation had turned so upside down. She thought her mother believed her time travel. Now she doubted again. How did that happen? The sun felt lower in the sky, yet brighter, and dark spots were popping up before her eyes. She felt a sharp pain in her temples as if someone were sticking a nail on each side of her head.

“Mom, I thought you believed me. I’m relying on you.”

“Darling, it’s not that I don’t believe you. It’s just that your story is so…well, it’s so far-fetched. I mean, Lisa, where do you go when you time travel?”

The truth of her mother’s statement reverberated in Lisa’s aching head. She wasn’t sure where the pain came from, but she felt the insistent throbbing move to the back of her head as if her brain were about to explode. “Mom, my head is pounding, and I can’t explain anything to you right now. I can’t even think straight. All I know is that at some point I have to leave you and the girls. And yet….” She waved her arm towards the children. “How am I supposed to leave them?” Then she turned her body away from the girls and towards her mother. “How am I supposed to leave you?”

Gladys extended her hand and took Lisa’s in hers. The warmth of her mother’s hand calmed her. She remembered being a little girl, burning with fever when she was sick once. It was late at night with a full moon that shone right through the curtain in her bedroom. Shadows of tree branches danced on the walls and in her feverish state, Lisa thought they were hideous creature hands coming to get her. Her mother had placed her cool hands on Lisa’s forehead, and the scary sights had disappeared.

This time was similar, yet more frightening. Her mother’s comforting hand was making the decision even more difficult, and now there was the added complication that her mother didn’t believe her. If Lisa decided to time travel again, she was giving up her only source of comfort and safety. But her conscience gnawed at her. While she’d be creating a life she had desperately wanted before, wasn’t she taking that same life away from Stephanie? The enormity of her creation bolted Lisa upright in her chair. Her head continued to throb, and she dropped her mother’s hand.

She heard the girls’ joy while the dog barked as they tormented him with an endless game of fetch. She saw her mother’s bright eyes welling up with tears that spoke more loudly than the noises in the yard. And in the midst of it all was this incessant pain in her chest and in her head.

Whether she liked it or not, she didn’t belong here. She had to leave to make things right. She had upended everyone’s world in her search for a love that was not hers to claim. Her traveling had impacted Emily. She thought of Marcus, living alone somewhere back in reality, abandoned by her through no fault of his own, simply because she had been running away from the sorrow of the loss of their son.

Her sweet infant boy. She had chosen not to think of him because the pain of his loss was too much to bear, and in the process, she had left Marcus to his own despair, the two of them drifting away as easily as they had come together.

The realization of her mistakes weighed heavily on her as the pain now intensified at her temples. Her eyes felt as if they were going to pop out.

She now saw the path she had to take as clear as the sunlight that glinted off her wedding rings. None of this was real. It was all a creation of her imagination, of her own choices, and she had to clean up the mess she had made. Her fear of traveling again battled against the certainty that she couldn’t stay here.

The tinny music box had been playing what sounded like children’s songs all the time they were outside. Now Lisa noticed that the tunes had changed. They sounded more like pop songs. The notes caught Lisa’s attention. She cocked her head, trying to listen more closely. Metallic and soft, she heard the lyrics. I was working as a waitress in a coc ktail bar.

She stood up on wobbly legs as her stomach churned from the pain that now radiated to her fingertips. She heard the song, the plastic box bringing forth notes and sounds she already knew by heart. It was a strange feeling, as if she were suspended in air, hearing the music and lyrics and feeling such intense pain in her head. Is this what happens at death? The music box seemed to be playing louder even though there was no volume button. All other thoughts were drowned out. Her mother looked far off, dwindling in bright light. Everything was fuzzy. As she stood there, she felt as if she could see the musical notes floating on air, but she knew that was impossible. Music didn’t look like anything. It was a sound. What if this time travel had created a way to actually see music?

She felt a buzzing sound as dark spots appeared before her, swallowing all the light in the yard.

“Mom, I love you, but I can’t stay,” she said as she tumbled forward and fell in a heap on the deck floor.

In the dimness, she heard Gladys scream.

***

The sound of a beeping machine woke Lisa up. She opened her eyes and slowly adjusted to the bright lights of a hospital room. A woman in white scrubs appeared at her side, fiddling with the machine, and pressing buttons to stop the noise. Lisa felt the woman grab her wrist to take her pulse. She heard the voice ask gently, “Well, hello there. Welcome back. How do you feel?”

As her eyes grew accustomed to the bright light, Lisa noticed her head no longer hurt. She felt a dull pain on her scalp, but the throbbing had ceased, and her stomach was calm. She watched the nurse intently and realized it was Stephanie. Where were they? And, more importantly, when were they?

Stephanie patted Lisa’s hand. “Your pulse is fine. This damn machine beeps out of control. It probably needs adjusting again. I’ll call a technician.” Stephanie squinted at Lisa. “Although I admit I feel compelled to check on you every few minutes, and I’m not sure why.”

Lisa struggled with the question uppermost in her mind. She shimmied herself into an upright position in bed. “Stephanie, this is going to sound weird. But how long have I been in here?” Lisa noticed wedding rings on Stephanie’s left hand.

“You were brought in yesterday. The notes say a friend of yours drove you after you fainted. You weren’t in distress, yet you weren’t responsive. Very odd. Obviously, you had to be admitted. Another MRI was done while you were unconscious. The doctor will come later to share the results with you. There seems to be no reason for your fainting, but you do have that pineal gland issue, so perhaps it’s related.”

“My friend brought me here?”

“That’s what the medical record says.” Stephanie checked the laptop on the cart that was in the room. “Let me see, the nursing notes also say that they tried to reach your husband, Marcus, but he didn’t respond to the calls.”

Stephanie moved back closer to the foot of Lisa’s bed and spoke kindly. “Are you two separated? It’s strange when a husband doesn’t reply to a phone call from a hospital.”

Lisa stared at her own fingers, noticing her wedding rings. She was back in her own real time. “Strange isn’t the word. Estranged is more like it.” Lisa gave Stephanie a wan smile, feeling her throat constrict. It was hard to think of Marcus. She had spent so much time thinking of Adam that Marcus was almost like an afterthought, but she sensed him very present in her life here.

After a few moments, she looked up to catch Stephanie staring at her with a quizzical look.

“Why are you estranged? What happened?”

Twisting her wedding ring on her left hand, Lisa answered slowly. “I’m not sure. We lost a baby, and then we lost ourselves.” She sighed. “And then I think…I don’t know.” Lisa hesitated to say more. How could she describe to this woman what she had been doing all along? How could she even come up with an excuse?

Lisa took a deep breath. She saw that Stephanie was still staring at her, waiting for an answer. “My husband and I were so distant, and then I was unfaithful to him.”

Stephanie didn’t move a muscle. Lisa felt herself shrink under Stephanie’s scrutiny, as if there were some unspoken conversations happening. Did Stephanie suspect anything about Adam? Did she have any idea that Lisa was involved with him?

Stephanie was the first to look away. She licked her lips, as if in deep thought, then spoke, barely above a whisper. “I have this uncanny feeling I’ve been to places with you, but I’ve been here, at the hospital, all along. I know you’ve been under my care before, but this feeling is more than that. This feels like…I don’t have words for it…like I’m here but not here, and somewhere else where I know I’ve never been.”

Lisa didn’t move a muscle. What Stephanie was saying didn’t make any logical sense. “What do you mean you feel like you haven’t been here?”

“I mean that I feel like I’m remembering things that are not possible, especially when I’ve been working sixteen-hour shifts for several days straight. Logically, I know I’ve been here, but I have a sensation that I’ve been in other places at the same time.” Stephanie pulled a chair to Lisa’s bedside, facing the door. She leaned in close to whisper to Lisa. “Two nights ago, while I was taking vitals of a new patient, I had a vision of myself with you in a diner, listening to music. And holding your hand. That’s not possible because it didn’t happen, yet I remember it very clearly.”

Lisa sat up straighter in the bed and moved closer to Stephanie. “What exactly do you remember?”

“I’m not sure. It’s fuzzy, but there were lots of people, musicians, and a song. Some friend of yours named Emily shows up in this memory.” She grew silent for a moment, took a deep breath, and continued. “And I have this scary thought that you’re connected to my husband.” She paused. “It’s more than that. I’m certain you’re connected to him, and it’s all around these memories of things that haven’t occurred.”

Lisa grabbed the edge of the bedsheet and pleated it as if she were folding napkins. She did this for a few minutes, not responding to Stephanie’s words.

Stephanie leaned in even closer. “You know something about this you’re not telling me. You’re not just here with a head trauma. I’m not buying this whole ‘I’m estranged from my husband’ story. What is it that you know about my husband, and how are we connected? Why do I see you and me together in places I’ve never been?”

Not sure how to answer and struggling with the reality of what was transpiring, Lisa touched her fingertips to her temples that felt tender. And now this revelation from Stephanie. How much was the traveling influencing their lives?

“The truth is, Stephanie, I’ve been told I have an enlarged pineal gland. It’s done something to me I don’t understand. There’s no logic to it, but I’ve traveled back in time. It started happening a few days ago, when I was at a train station, when I was waiting for…”

Lisa stopped herself. How did she admit to this woman that she was seeing her husband?

Lisa took a deep breath, wringing her hands to find the right words. “The truth is that I was waiting for your husband at the train station, and then I found myself back at college, before I knew Adam. We connected, and I had this idea that if I met him before you did, I’d be able to change history. I’d be the one he fell in love with and not you.”

Stephanie sat back in her chair, a strange smile on her face. “What kind of head trauma did you say you had? Because that is the craziest story I’ve ever heard, and I’ve been around hospitals and nutty people for a long time.”

“I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s the truth.” Lisa pulled her hair in exasperation at not being able to communicate the truth convincingly. “I went back to that time and met him, but you were there also. It’s a long, complicated story, but when I returned, I was the one married to Adam, and you were his mistress.”

Stephanie got up from the chair and busied herself looking at Lisa’s monitor. She checked the notes on the computer once again. “Listen, Lisa, you look like a nice person. And I get it that you have a problem with your brain and all, but you’re making crazy talk now, so I’m going to check when the doctor will be here.” She started to walk away. Desperate, Lisa yelled out, “Please! Please stop. I can explain.”

Stephanie turned around. “I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing. You sit here and tell me you’re having an affair with my husband, and you go back in time. From what I can see, you’re the one in a hospital bed with a brain injury or whatever it is you have. So, I don’t know if I should be here with you any longer. I’m leaving to find a doctor.”

With that, Stephanie hurried out of the room.

Lisa’s eyes welled up with tears. She had made a mess of everything, and now she was here with this pounding headache and no one to talk to. She got up and walked to the window. As she stood looking at the night sky, she heard her cell phone. Marcus.

She couldn’t talk to him. How was she supposed to confront yet another thing she had destroyed? She let the call go to voicemail. As she stood pondering what to do next, Stephanie returned.

She stood erect, hands on her hips, appearing decisive. “Listen, I had a few minutes to think. I’m not going to speak to the doctor about your story of going back and forth in time because…well, because I’m not sure who sounds crazier, me or you.”

Lisa breathed a sigh of relief. “So, you believe me?”

“It’s not so much that I believe you; it’s that you have no reason to lie to me at this point, and I have this nagging feeling you’re telling the truth.” Stephanie shut the door to the room and stood a few feet away from Lisa. “Why don’t you sit down and tell me this story of yours, and then we can see what I believe and what I don’t.”

Lisa sat down on one of the guest chairs across from Stephanie. She straightened out her gown and breathed deeply before speaking.

“I’ve traveled back in time and out of this reality that we’re in. On a couple of those occasions, you’ve also come with me to several different places. And yes, your husband is the connection between us.” She stopped and waited to see Stephanie’s reaction. The other woman was stoic, not moving a muscle, as if she had ceased breathing.

Stephanie finally spoke. “Go on. Tell me the truth. I already know it, but I want it confirmed.”

Lisa looked away, shame burning her cheeks. “I’m your husband’s lover. I have been for some time. And…I don’t know how to explain this, but somehow, I’ve been back to the past when you first met him, and I stopped that relationship, thinking it would make my life perfect. But all it’s done is create a mixed-up soup of everything.”

Stephanie laughed. Quietly chuckling at first, then louder, enough so that she covered her mouth with her hands. “Oh, my God. I knew it. I’ve known for years that he’s fooling around, but with you? I only suspected that today when I started having these weird feelings.”

Lisa’s cheeks were pink with embarrassment. “So, you knew all along?”

“Oh, honey, the wife always knows.” Stephanie laughed. “But I chose to put up with it because I have my two babies and a nice place to live. I figured I’d let him have his entertainment until the kids are grown.” She grew pensive. “But today, this sensation of being elsewhere—it’s nagging me. As if you know something I don’t.” She leaned in towards Lisa again, putting her hand on her arm. “Please. You have to tell me. I know there’s a secret. What is it?”

Lisa wasn’t sure how much she could tell Stephanie, but she wanted to come clean. She had gotten to know this woman in those other worlds, and now she couldn’t just go back to business as usual. But how to admit all this and also have Stephanie believe her?

“Look, Stephanie, Adam isn’t as wonderful as he appears. You and I…well, we’ve been together, outside of this hospital. What you’re feeling is true. We’ve been in other places.”

Stephanie didn’t seem persuaded by the explanation. “So, you’re saying I’m not crazy?”

“Not crazy, but it’s not normal at all.” Lisa wasn’t sure how much to explain. “Let’s put it this way. You’ve traveled with me to places that are not this reality, but are almost, invented, not real yet real.” Lisa chewed on her bottom lip before continuing. “I think…wait, I know , it’s related to this pineal gland enlargement I have. It makes me able to leave this reality and go to another life that’s similar yet not the same. The same people are in it, but their personalities aren’t, and the worlds are also different.”

“What does that have to do with you and Adam?” Stephanie’s tone was doubtful but cutting.

“In each world where I’m married to Adam, you’re his mistress, and you don’t have children. I do. But we both know that’s not this world.”

Stephanie nodded her head. “Go on.”

Lisa walked towards the window again to gather her thoughts. “I think the pineal gland lets me move around these dimensions even while I’m still here. While everyone is still here. It’s as if there were several Lisas and Stephanies and Adams living in other places at the same time.” Lisa paused and turned around. “The people are a constant. But what’s also a constant is that Adam is not a nice person in any of them.”

Stephanie stared past Lisa as she appeared to listen intently. “You’re saying he’s always the same womanizer?”

Lisa put on a half-smile. “It appears so.”

Stephanie joined her gazing out the window. The sky was dark that night, and the clouds obscured any stars. “I’ve always known that,” Stephanie said. “I just didn’t want to face it.”

Lisa put her hand on Stephanie’s back in consolation. “I’m so sorry. I had this fantasy of him, but my trips, our trips, showed me that he doesn’t value either of us or his family.”

They both stayed silent for a few minutes. What to say when dreams are shattered?

Stephanie was the first one to speak. “It’s been a long day for me, and this is all a lot to digest. My shift ends in a few minutes, and I’m dog tired. I’m back on duty tomorrow morning. I’ll come check on you, and we can talk some more. Maybe with fresh eyes and ears I can make sense of all this.”

Without even giving Lisa a chance to say anything else, she left the room.

Lisa stared after her when she heard the buzzing of her phone. Marcus again. This time she picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Lisa, are you OK? I got a call that you were in the hospital. I can’t get a flight back until tomorrow, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Don’t worry, Marcus. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere for a while.”

***

Mornings in a hospital start early, even before the 7:00 a.m. shift. Lisa awoke from a deep slumber to the sounds of laughter in the hallways, rolling carts, people talking loudly. God, didn’t they know there were sick people here who needed rest? The aide who barged into her room was not apologetic, squeaking a marker on the whiteboard on the wall intended to keep patients abreast of shift changes.

“Good morning, dear. I’m your aide, Mary, and your nurse today is Stephanie. I wrote it on the board in case you forget. People with your condition forget things sometimes.” Lisa thought she noticed a condescending smile as Mary handed her a sheet of paper with menu options. “Write down what you’d like for lunch and dinner here. Breakfast is on its way, so you have no choice with that.” She opened the blinds on the windows and rearranged the chairs so they’d be lined up against the wall, tidied up Lisa’s bedsheets, and fluffed her pillows, all the while humming a tune. “Don’t take too long in deciding what to eat. The food isn’t all that interesting. You just need something to fill your belly and get you strong, so you can get out of here and go home. I’ll be back in a few minutes to collect it.” With that pronouncement, she marched out as briskly as she entered, leaving Lisa with the sense a small tornado had passed through the room.

Faced with the truth of morning, Lisa stretched her legs and sat in the chair closest to the window, marking down what to eat as if she were studying the menu at an expensive restaurant. While asleep, she was able to escape all that had been happening to her recently, but the sun shining on her face brought back reality. A gentle knock on the door interrupted her musings.

She sensed more than heard his footsteps, and it was only a matter of seconds before he was at her side.

Staring at the menu as if engrossed in a good book, she whispered, “Hello, Marcus.”

He folded his six-foot-three-inch frame to kneel at her side and pressed his forehead against the side of her head. She felt his breath on her cheek, and his dark wavy hair with the shocking patch of white tickled her nose. He needed a haircut. She pulled away and looked at him as if for the first time. His green eyes were brooding. Why did he seem so sad? He’d long ago lost interest in her. Silent, he closed his eyes. In that instant, he seemed like a little boy, and she remembered him telling her that kids made fun of his hair as a child, so he dyed it brown in the summer between eighth grade and high school. His coverup was short-lived as the chlorine in the town pool turned it a freakish purple color; he fixed that by shaving his head.

Marcus interrupted her reverie with rapid-fire questions. “Lisa, I was so worried about you. What happened? Why didn’t you call me? What’s wrong? How long will you be here?” His questions jarred her. Their marriage had been a pretense for years, two people living under the same roof, miles apart from one another. He tried to hug her, and her muscles tensed. After all this time, now he wanted connection? She raised an eyebrow as she straightened her back. His closeness was too much. She had blocked off the part of herself that had once cherished his affection, and he now threatened the walls she had built, brick by brick, around her feelings for him. She didn’t trust his renewed concern.

And yet, a nudge of compassion showed up for this man who looked sad. She had withdrawn from him, unable to sustain intimacy when their grief over the loss of their son sat between them, palpable, immovable, destroying any connection they had enjoyed before. Blame and judgment for the death of the baby were the undercurrent of all their conversations. In the deep of the ocean, the undertow of despair separated them. And if she were honest with herself, her actions in the past had not been fair to him. Marcus’s ministrations cast a burning light on the breadth of her deceit to him, to Stephanie, and even to herself. She didn’t know where to start, feeling obligated to say something. But not the truth. He’d never believe her. Who would?

He brought a chair over. Lisa raised her head, a thin smile on her face. “I’m sorry to interrupt your business trip. That’s why I didn’t call. I didn’t want to disturb you.” The lie tasted sour on her lips.

Concern was written all over his face. He reached out and took her hands in his and kissed them. She noticed the gold wedding band on his finger, remembering when they first got married and how hopeful she had been. She searched for tenderness now and saw, in herself, only regret and sadness where long ago there was joy. She wanted to tell him to leave, to forget her because she wasn’t in love with him anymore. She even opened her mouth to speak, but words didn’t form. In that moment of hesitation, he pulled her towards him for a hug. She stiffly complied, eyes closed, scarcely breathing, noticing that he didn’t let her go.

Marcus buried his face in her neck, and she felt a sensation of wetness. It took her a moment to realize they were tears. It took her another moment to realize they were not just his, but hers also. Almost instinctively, she lifted her arms and wrapped them around his back. She dropped the paper menu on the floor and reached her right hand up to caress the back of his head, noticing the familiarity of his hair. Eons ago, she knew his schedule by the length of his hair. It was very short; he must have gone to the barber recently. She remembered he always did that before a business trip. As if in a trance, she breathed in the smell of his cheek. No other man, not even Adam, exuded a fragrance that persisted in her memory. Lisa relaxed into Marcus’s embrace, melting perhaps, into the memory of what they once had.

Marcus finally let her go and sat back, a defeated look on his face. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner. Are you in pain?”

“Why do you ask that?” wondering what he’d been told.

His tone was gentle as if speaking with a child. “The person who called said you’d been admitted with a head trauma from a car accident. What happened?”

The questions broke the spell of the embrace. Acting on their own, the fingers of her right hand rubbed against one another, missing the smooth texture of his hair that moments ago caressed her skin. Lisa wrinkled her brow, suddenly empty, as if she had lost something she had only recently found but didn’t know had been missing. She sighed, out loud.

“It’s a little complicated, Marcus. I’ve had severe pain in my head, and they tested me. The results are that I have an enlarged pineal gland. It seems to cause…I’m not sure what, but I’ve been having awful headaches, and….” Her voice drifted off, and she turned her head away from him, not knowing how to tell him about what she’d been experiencing. Or perhaps not wanting to tell him. Shame flushed her cheeks pink.

He reached towards her again, his hand pulling hers into his. “What does all that mean?”

She softened her tone, her guilt casting a shadow over his warmth, “It means they don’t know what I have. But it has some effects, I think. I’m not sure yet.”

“What kind of effects?”

Wondering how far she should go with her story, Lisa started to answer him, “It’s a bit complicated….” She was interrupted by a brisk knock on the door. “Good morning, I’m Dr. Alfonso.”

The doctor walked into the room, and Marcus jumped out of his seat. “Oh, Doctor, I’m so glad you’re here.”

As the men shook hands, Dr. Alfonso said, “I’m assuming you’re Mrs. Williams’s husband?”

Marcus nodded his head, urging Dr. Alfonso to continue.

“I have some test results to review with you, but first, Mrs. Williams, how are you feeling?”

Lisa sat up in her chair. “My head hurts less. But you said you have some results for me?”

“I do. I’m afraid they’re not exactly what we’d hoped for.” Dr. Alfonso spoke with authority, but Lisa could see his hands fidgeting with the file of papers he carried. “The fact is, we don’t know what’s happening with your pineal gland.”

Marcus started to interrupt, but Lisa stopped him with a wave of her hand. “Not now, Marcus. I’ll explain later.” His eagerness at being helpful annoyed and pleased her at the same time.

Lisa focused her attention back to the doctor. “Please continue. What’s the problem?”

“We’re not sure it’s a problem, it’s just strange. It’s enlarged, much larger than what we find in an average woman. The issue is that it’s gotten larger from the last time we checked it. We can’t tell why it’s so big, or why it’s growing. I don’t want to scare you before we have some conclusive evidence of the cause, but that’s the reason you’re having such severe headaches. Any nausea or vomiting? Other than the headache, have you had any other of those symptoms, Mrs. Williams?”

“Some nausea,” Lisa answered with hesitation, not wanting to reveal it happened each time she traveled. She was afraid they’d transfer her to the psych ward.

The doctor pulled a small notebook and pen from the breast pocket of his white coat and jotted some notes while explaining. “It makes sense you’d experience nausea. We’re scheduling another MRI for this afternoon to see what additional growth there’s been. You’ve already had two MRIs, and each time the gland appears larger, so we’re concerned about its rapid growth. The headache is caused by the pressure the gland is having on the two hemispheres of your brain. If it continues to grow, we’ll have to intervene before it affects other functions.”

Marcus interrupted the conversation. “What does that mean, ‘intervene’?”

The doctor cleared his throat, appearing to Lisa as if he were biding time before answering. “When there’s a tumor with this progression, surgery is the only answer. In this case, the actual gland is increasing in size. A normal pineal gland is the size of a soybean. Yesterday, your wife’s gland was the size of a walnut. The last reading shows it’s the size of a clementine. Without question, it’s growing rapidly. It’s also dense. I’m afraid that, at this point, the only solution is surgery.” He paused. “As soon as possible.”

He stopped talking for a moment and crossed his arms. “Mrs. Williams, I don’t mean to alarm you, but we’ve never seen a pineal gland growing so quickly. We’ve seen tumors that are generally benign, but this is very unusual. Have you noticed any emotional changes at all? The pineal gland affects hormones and fertility. Do you have any symptoms like that?”

Lisa’s eyes filled with tears as she covered her face with her hands. Was this happening because of the traveling, or was she able to move in time because of this growth? She couldn’t ask the doctor. She felt Marcus’s hands on her shoulders, his thumbs making circles around the muscles that were tight. The welcome touch confused her. In that instant, she remembered how very much she’d loved his massages when she was pregnant. His hands felt warm and strong.

She took a deep breath, momentarily relishing the comfort of Marcus’s hands. The face of her baby son floated in front of her, and sadness washed over, bringing forth more tears. She shrugged her shoulders abruptly and leaned forward to escape Marcus’s touch.

A question for the doctor pressed on her, but she was afraid of asking. With quivering lips, she managed to find words. “Doctor, what do you mean the pineal gland affects fertility?”

“Simply put,” the doctor said, “fluctuations in the size of the pineal gland affect a woman’s ability to conceive. Have you two been trying to get pregnant?” Lisa felt Marcus touch her shoulders again, but she brushed him off.

Her voice choked. “No. We lost a son a few years ago. We haven’t tried to have another baby since.”

Dr. Alfonso softened his tone. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

The three were quiet for a moment. Dr. Alfonso broke the silence. “So, the next step is to rest, Mrs. Williams. Try not to worry about this until we see the results of the MRI. I’ll be back later today to talk with you.” He nodded his head and left the room.

Lisa’s thoughts swirled. Was this problem with her brain caused by traveling? She had a nagging feeling that something was incomplete, but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She wondered about her mother and saying farewell for good, but that idea made her dizzy. She grabbed her head again in pain, certain that she had to act quickly before…before what? She wasn’t even sure what could happen, but was she willing to risk not having a possible surgery just to see her mother one more time? What if another trip caused irreversible damage? What if she left and then couldn’t return?

Her head pounded, so she relented and leaned back into Marcus’s hands while he bent down towards her cheek whispering, “Is there anything I can get for you, babe?” His tone was gentle. His presence was such a comfort; she noticed how his voice soothed her. When was the last time she had felt this way with him? Forever ago, but time didn’t have any meaning for her anymore. She took a deep breath again, recognizing how much she’d missed him. Wait a minute. She m issed him?

He let go of her shoulders. No, don’t stop. Please. Come back. She felt as if someone else were speaking inside her brain, but she couldn’t get the words out of her mouth.

Marcus pressed his lips to her cheek while he pulled a chair closer. “Hey, why I don’t run to the dog sitter, get the pup, and sneak him in here, so he can lick your face? Jojo will make you feel much better.”

The comfort of his familiar lips made Lisa smile. “That’s very nice of you, Marcus. I’d love to see him, but what are you talking about, a dog sitter? Jojo’s with Emily. She picked him up when I told her I was in the hospital. Come to think of it, I haven’t heard from her today.”

Marcus furrowed his brow. “Who’s Emily?”

“What do you mean, who’s Emily? Marcus, I’m the one with the brain problem, not you. My best friend, silly. We don’t know any other Emilys.”

“Lisa, honey, I don’t know any Emily. And your best friend is Kate, in Chicago. There’s no way Kate could have taken Jojo anywhere.”

Waving her hand in dismissal and shaking her head, Lisa said, “This is no time for jokes, Marcus. Call Emily.”

Marcus frowned. “Lisa, should I call the doctor? I’m telling you: you don’t have a friend named Emily. Could you be confusing someone else with that name? Maybe someone from work?”

“Marcus, stop it.” Her voice went up an octave. “This isn’t funny at all. Call Emily, please.”

“Look, sweetheart,” he said handing her his phone. Lisa grabbed the phone and searched the contacts. No Emily. She scrolled again. “Hand me my phone,” she said in a flat tone.

Marcus found her phone by the bed and gave it to her in slow motion. Lisa clicked through her contacts, over and over again, muttering, “How is this possible? Where is she?”

She looked up at Marcus, raising her voice, “Marcus, where is Emily? I told you this is not funny—not one bit.” She punctuated each word.

Marcus only shook his head. “Maybe I should go get the doctor.”

Her breath got ragged, and her heartbeat pounded so hard an artery pulsed in her neck. Emily was gone? How could this be? What happened? She inhaled deeply and spoke slowly to Marcus starting straight into his eyes. “Marcus, for the last time, and please don’t play around. I’m not well, so I’m going to ask you again. Where is my best friend, Emily? The one I’ve known since freshman year in college, the one you took on one date before you met me, the one who was my maid of honor at our wedding. Where is she?”

Marcus reached for his back pocket and took out his worn brown leather wallet. Beads of cold sweat ran down Lisa’s back while he pulled out a small picture. He handed it to her gently. “Take a look, honey. There’s Kate.”

The wallet-size wedding photo had ragged edges. Lisa noted that Marcus carried their wedding photo with him. But her hands made the picture shake wildly when she saw the stranger who stood in Emily’s place, wearing Emily’s maid of honor dress.

“See, dear,” Marcus continued as if he were talking to a child, “There’s Kate. She was your maid of honor.”

Tears splattered as Lisa shook her head violently, crying, “No! No! This can’t be!” Marcus reached over to her. “Sweetheart, I’ll get the doctor. Maybe this has to do with this growth in your head. Don’t be upset. Stay right here, and I’ll be right back.”

Lisa wailed. Who was this stranger? She had lost her Emily. This was not possible. They had been friends for half their lives. They had promised to grow old together. Emily was her compass; she had even given Lisa a plastic toy compass as a gag when she left for graduate school in Chicago. Lisa ran for her purse and fumbled through it. Zipper pocket. It was always there. She opened it, emptying out the contents on the table. Nothing.

She beat her hands on the bed, inconsolable. “How could this happen?” she kept repeating.

Marcus ran out the door, calling for a nurse. A few minutes later, he returned with Stephanie. They found Lisa sitting on the floor, elbows on her knees and hands in her hair. She looked up when Stephanie knelt by her side. “Hey there, why don’t you lay down, relax for a minute, while I call the doctor?”

Lisa smiled at her kind voice. This woman, to whom she had been callous and uncaring, was being kind and generous. And for what? For a guy who was deceitful no matter what woman he was with. She had lost her way with Marcus, and now, she had lost her Emily in the process. Stephanie took her hand to help her up from the floor towards the bed.

“I’d rather stay here, if that’s OK,” Lisa said quietly.

“Whatever you prefer. I’ll get you a pillow, so you can at least be more comfortable,” said Stephanie. “Mr. Williams, why don’t you go get yourself a cup of coffee, and by the time you come back, I’ll have called the doctor to see if we can move the tests up a little?”

Marcus looked to Lisa, who waved him off. “Go, please, I want to be alone. I’ll be fine.” She needed him out of the room to think clearly. His presence served only to confuse her further.