Chapter 30
Parker
Ilean closer to Ben, sliding my arm through his. I’m almost shaking. From fear? I’m not sure. I think so, though. It’s all murky grays and blues, so dark no light can get in. Not the blue I felt this morning. Not the colors that wrap around me and keep me warm and safe.
I don’t think anything that happens in there will change things for Landon, but what if it does? I tried to change myself to win Lincoln’s approval. “Do you think he’ll break up with us if it goes bad?”
Ben shakes his head, finding my hand and twining our fingers together. “No, I don’t think so.”
I bite at my bottom lip, staring out across the yard. “But what if he does? I tried to change to keep Lincoln. What if she reacts badly, and he tries to change to keep her?”
Clasping my face, Ben turns my head so I’m forced to look at him. “You’re really worried about this.”
It’s a statement, not a question. I nod anyway. “Yeah. We just got him. I don’t want to lose him already.”
“Oh, baby,” Ben murmurs, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in. I snuggle closer, pressing my face against his chest.
Sunshiney yellow works its way through the gray and blue dancing in my vision, my fear receding some in the warmth of Ben’s light.
He runs his fingers through my hair, cradling me to his chest. “We’re not going to lose Landon. He wanted to tell her because of us. We won’t lose him.”
I trust Landon. Ben has to be right. I’m not sure what I’ll do if he’s not.
The front door opens behind us, and I whirl around. Deep red and black wash away the gray and blue when I see Landon’s tear-stained face and swollen eyes. I’m on my feet in a heartbeat. “What the hell happened?”
I rush toward the door, anger choking me.
Not a chance in hell I’m gonna let her hurt Landon.
I’m caught by an arm wrapping around my waist, and then I’m being pulled into Landon’s arms and squeezed half to death.
“Please, just let me hold you for a second,” Landon whispers, his voice choked and thick, like he might cry again.
I nod, my body going pliant instantly. If he needs this, I’ll give it. I want to give him anything he needs. His heart pounds furiously under my ear, and I wrap my arms around his back, holding him just as tight.
“Room for one more?”
“Always,” Landon answers, opening his arms and dragging Ben to us.
I’m not sure how I’ve ended up squished between the two of them when it should be Lan squished between us, but I’m just glad we’re all together.
Landon lets out a shuddering breath, his body relaxing the longer we stand in our embrace. And finally, he speaks. “Can you two come inside and meet my mom officially?”
I pull back, gazing up at him. “How did it go?”
He shakes his head, tears welling up in his eyes. “I can’t talk about it right now, or I might cry again. But it’s okay, I think. She wants to meet you.”
“So you’re not breaking up with us?”
Landon’s face twists. “Why… would you ask that? Of course not.”
I bury my face against his chest again, relief making my knees weak. Fear is such a weird thing. Especially because it’s not always logical. I’m sure this is one of those moments, but I can’t help it.
“Let’s go inside,” Ben says softly.
I nod, reluctantly letting go of Landon.
Landon holds his hands out, and Ben and I each slide our fingers through his. I give Landon’s hand a gentle squeeze as Ben opens the door for us to all go back inside.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting when we walk in, but it’s not for Mary to be standing by the couch, her eyes just as red as Landon’s, wringing her hands together nervously.
Her eyes fall to our clasped hands. I’m still not sure what to expect. Not sure what her thoughts are or how their talk went. With a deep breath, she takes a step toward us. She locks eyes with me. “Parker, right?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“It’s really nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you too,” I whisper.
Turning her attention to Ben, she greets him again. “And Ben. It’s nice to meet you as well.”
Ben echoes my words.
“Can we all have a seat, please?”
She looks nervous, maybe even more nervous than Landon was before we came here, so I take pity on her and slide onto the couch. Landon is between Ben and me, and I haven’t let go of my death grip on his hand. Don’t plan to either.
“I’m sorry if we got off on the wrong foot.
I—” Mary’s voice cuts off abruptly, and when she speaks again, her voice is wavering and choked up.
“I wasn’t aware that Landon was hiding such a big secret from me.
And I didn’t know how afraid he was to tell me.
I was a little surprised with what happened when you guys first came in… ”
Landon clears his throat, and when I look at him, he’s got questions in his eyes. I give him a slight nod. “Parker’s nonbinary, Mom. It’s not ‘you guys.’”
Confusion crosses her face, and her eyes fly to mine. “I’m not sure what that means.”
“I can explain,” I offer gently, squeezing Landon’s hand.
Turning my attention to Mary, I smile at her.
This won’t make or break anything for me.
My relationship with Landon isn’t dependent on whether his mom accepts my gender identity, but it sure will make holidays more difficult in the future if she doesn’t.
And I plan on spending a lot of holidays with Landon and Ben.
“So, I don’t really identify with either binary gender.
Instead of using gendered terms like he or she or guys or girls, I prefer gender-neutral terms and using they/them pronouns. ”
She slowly blinks at me, thinking hard. Finally, she nods. “Okay… I’m still kind of confused, but I can…” Her eyes dart nervously between me and Landon. “I can do research on this, right?”
That feels like a good sign. I nod. “Yeah, definitely.”
She seems to relax marginally. “Okay… I want to—” Her voice cuts out on a choked laugh, tears filling her eyes. “I already made my son think I wouldn’t love him because of who he loves. I don’t—uh… I want to get this right.”
“It’s okay, Mom,” Landon says softly.
Mary shakes her head. “It’s not okay, Lan. If you worried for even a second that you could change my love for you, I’ve done something wrong, but this is not about me. This is about you and what you need.”
Ben leans forward on the couch. “My younger sibling is nonbinary. I can send Landon some resources to share with you, if you’d like. I know PFLAG has some information about faith-based support. It could help with understanding not only Parker but Landon too.”
Her brown eyes—so warm and earnest, just like Landon’s—widen. “Yes, please. Yes.”
“Maybe it’s not my place,” I say, throat tight. “But thank you. For listening to him and for supporting him.”
Tears well up in her eyes and spill down her cheeks.
“Mom,” Landon whispers.
She wipes at her face, then gives herself a little shake. “Okay. Enough tears. I want to get to know you better. All of you. Do you think you could stay for dinner? I’ll cook.”
“I think that would be nice,” Ben says. “Do you wanna stay, baby?”
“Yeah,” Landon says. “If it’s okay with the two of you.”
I’m nodding before he’s even done speaking.
Shiny gold wraps around my heart, blanketing everything in hope. In love. In warmth.
“I miss Landon.”
I’m not pouting. I mean, okay, I kinda am. But not really.
Ben drags his fingertips along my nightgown. “Me too, Cotton Candy.”
Rolling away from Ben, I grab my phone.
Me
We miss you.
His response comes in a few minutes later.
Landon
i miss you both too. so much. thank you for today.
After the long, emotional day at Mary’s, Landon decided to stay the night.
Which… I get it. I’m happy things went okay.
Mary only misgendered me once, and she quickly corrected herself.
She didn’t even trip over her apologies.
It’s not that I fault people for apologizing, but it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I feel like I have to reassure them.
It wasn’t like that with Mary, though. She just said a quick apology, corrected herself, and we all moved on.
Me
You don’t have to thank us.
“Tell him we love him, and we can’t wait to see him tomorrow.”
I grin, typing another message.
Me
Ben said love you and we can’t wait to see you tomorrow.
Landon
just ben?
I giggle a bit at the message, snuggling into Ben’s side before responding.
Me
No, not just Ben.
Landon
i love you both too. ask ben what we did in the shower this morning. Maybe it’ll inspire you to have some fun instead of missing me.
Me
I’m pretty sure I’ll miss you either way, but it does sound interesting.
Landon
have ben send me a photo of you in that sexy ass sleep thing you wear.
Ben and I both laugh out loud, and he rolls over to grab his phone. “Can I?”
Rolling my eyes, I nod.
He rises, taking a second to position me. He hikes the edge of my nightgown up, exposing my thighs, then tousles my hair. “What are you doing? I don’t look hot enough on my own?”
“Oh, you look plenty hot. I’m trying to make you look well-fucked.”
I hum. “You could just fuck me instead, you know?”
“Is that so?” Ben asks, smirking.
“Yeah.” I shrug. “Would make the whole tousled thing much more believable.”
Ben looks from me to his phone, then types a message. I glance at it when my phone vibrates.
Ben
Can I send one after I’ve made them come? I think it’ll add to the experience.
Landon
how about a before and after?
“Now there’s an idea I can get behind,” Ben says, tugging my nightgown back down and smoothing his fingers through my hair.
He snaps a quick photo, and after showing it to me for approval, sends it to Landon.
Landon
fuck, i thought my days of needing to jerk off under my mom’s roof were done.
Ben
Save that for the after picture, baby.
Tossing his phone to the side, Ben drops his weight on my body, then brushes his lips over mine. “What am I gonna do with you, pretty baby?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Dangerous words,” he murmurs, then kisses me.