Chapter 38
SAbrINA
I want to throw up.
I don’t want to do the mature thing. I don’t want to have to be the grown-up. I want someone else to tell Maddie I’m leaving. It’s going to kill me to break her heart.
If I pleaded enough, I think Noah would give in, but in my heart, I know he’s right. Deep down, I want the job. If I don’t take it, I’ll always wonder.
Maddie bursts into the room, oblivious to the way I’m falling apart on the inside. Oblivious to the devastation on her father’s face.
It’s like I’m being torn in two.
Nothing about this feels right, but if I want a real future with Noah, then I need to be my own person. I can’t just be his nanny forever.
“Hey, princess.” He scoops his daughter up and peppers her face with kisses.
Fisher sets Maddie’s bag on the bed, and when he looks at me, his eyes widen. “What’s going on?”
It takes all my strength not to burst into tears.
Maddie lost her mom, but Annie didn’t have a choice. She had to go. I’m choosing to leave, and that seems so much worse.
Noah sets his little girl on her feet again and eyes his best friend. “You should stay for this.”
Fisher’s eyes dart between us, his face a mask of concern. He thinks that our fling has ended and I’ve quit. A part of me wishes it were that. It would be a hell of a lot easier than the reality of loving Noah so much that I have to step away and be my own person without them.
Noah guides Maddie over to the bed and helps her settle on the edge. Then he squats in front of her, hands clasped. “Mads, Sabrina and I have something to talk to you about.”
Maddie’s eyes widen with excitement. “Is Sabrina pregnant? Am I going to be a big sister?”
It’s like a knife to the heart. Nothing could’ve prepared me for that line of thinking.
“No.” Noah shakes his head, his expression faltering for an instant. “Sabrina’s not having a baby. She’s … well, she’s going back to the States.”
“Oh. To visit her friend?” She looks my way. “When will you be back?”
“No, baby,” Noah says, pulling her attention back to him. “She has a job interview that sounds promising. She won’t be coming back.”
Her face falls, and those hazel eyes swim with hurt. “But you teach me. Why do you need to teach other kids?”
Noah clears his throat. God, I’m grateful he has enough composure to lead this conversation.
I’m pretty sure the second I open my mouth, a sob will come out.
I’m not typically an overly emotional person.
From a young age, I had no one to rely on but myself, and I learned how to keep a level head.
But Noah’s effortlessly woven his way into being the person I can trust whole-heartedly.
“Sabrina’s always wanted to be a teacher in a classroom. She can’t do that here, sweetie.”
Her watery eyes meet mine.
Oh, fuck.
I hate this.
Lip trembling, she wrings her hands. “I don’t want you to go.”
I drop to my knees and open my arms, and without hesitation, she throws herself at me and buries her face in my chest. As she cries, I wrap my arms tightly around her and finally let my own tears fall.
“It’s not forever,” I tell her.
At least, I don’t think it is. I don’t want it to be.
“It’s not?” She pulls away and peers up at me through wet lashes.
“Nothing’s going to stop me from seeing you.”
I mean it too. Even if Noah and I decide we can’t do long-distance, I’ll FaceTime Maddie every single day if I can and I’ll see her in person as often as possible.
“Why can’t you stay, though? Aren’t we good enough for you?”
I lower my head so she can’t see the complete and utter devastation that washes over me.
So often, when I was a child, I wondered the same thing.
I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my parents or why they couldn’t just love me instead of constantly arguing and finding fault in everything I did.
“You are,” I tell her. “You’re more than enough.”
“Please, stay,” she begs, clinging to me, her tears dampening my shirt. “I’ll do anything.”
Tears pour from me like a fountain. I hate this so much even if the reasons for doing it are valid. “I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to.”
She buries her head in my shoulder. I hold her while she cries, trying my best to get my own emotions under control.
Over her shoulder, Noah’s face is etched in devastation. Beside him, Fisher rubs his chin and mouths, “You guys are idiots.”
Probably, but I need to do this, and Noah needs me to as well.
He hasn’t come out and said it, but he worries that our proximity is what’s made us fall so hard.
I, on the other hand, know that no matter where I am in this world, I’ll always be drawn to him. Noah Baker, grumpy asshole extraordinaire, is my own personal sunshine.
“When do you leave?” Maddie releases me, and with a sniff, she darts to Noah.
The separation that’s already settling in makes my stomach turn.
“Tomorrow,” I answer.
When I woke up, Noah had already booked the flight. I felt both hurt and grateful. My fear of abandonment tells me he did it so he could be sure he could really get rid of me. My logical side knows he did it because if we waited, there’s a good chance we’d chicken out.
I have to explore this path so I can know with certainty what I truly want my future to look like.
And Noah needs to know that if I choose them, it’s because it’s what I want.
“Tomorrow.” She rubs her face against her dad’s shirt. “That’s so soon.”
I’ll be heading back to the States tomorrow morning, and tomorrow night, Maddie and her dad will be on their way to Paris for the Olympics.
“I know.”
“Dad? Can I have a phone so I can talk to Sabrina?”
He rubs the top of her head, ruffling her hair. “Of course.”
“You’ll answer if I call, won’t you?”
She could call me in the middle of the night and I’d talk to her for hours.
“Absolutely.”
“Will you come see us in Paris?”
My lungs constrict. “Probably not.”
School starts in a matter of weeks. If I get the job, I’ll be busy getting everything I need for my classroom.
“What comes after Paris, Dad?”
“The Cincinnati Open. We’ll be in Ohio.”
“What about there, Sabrina?” she asks, whole face brightening. “That’s in America. Can you visit us there?”
“I don’t know.” God, I feel so helpless. “We’ll have to see.”
Her shoulders deflate.
My stomach churns at the thought that I’m the cause of any of her suffering.
“You matter to me. So much, Maddie.” More than she knows. “We’ll see each other again. I promise.”
She shoves her pinky out to me. “Pinky swear?”
I hook my little finger with hers. “Pinky swear.”
Keep it together, I chant silently.
With my bags packed on one side of me and Noah on the other, I’m doing my best not to lose it.
When the sleek black car pulls up in front of us, I peer up at the man I’ve fallen in love with.
“I guess this is goodbye.”
He shakes his head and tugs me close. “Not yet.”
“The car’s here. I have to go.”
The driver is already rounding the back of the vehicle, headed straight for my luggage.
Oh, shit. It’s the same guy who took us to our dinner at the castle. Now I really, really hope he was oblivious to what happened in the back of the car.
“I’m going with you to the airport.”
“Noah.” My lips flatten, even as my heart flips. “We have to say goodbye at some point.”
He stuffs his hands in the kangaroo pouch of his hoodie. “I know, but not yet.”
I don’t know whether to be grateful for the extra time or hate him for dragging this out when I just want to cry in peace.
When my luggage is loaded, he guides me into the back of the car.
As the driver pulls away from the curb, my breaths speed up, becoming more shallow.
I said goodbye to Maddie last night. Noah and I agreed it would be too hard to do it this morning.
Not to mention the early hour. It’s still dark outside, and as usual, rain drizzles lazily on the windshield.
Our clasped hands rest on the leather seat between us as we peer out our respective windows rather than look at each other. If I look at him, I’ll fall apart, and I have a feeling the same goes for him.
The worst part is, I think I could’ve convinced myself and him that this was the wrong choice if I hadn’t gotten a response from Jessica and felt the stirring of excitement in my stomach.
Noah’s right. I need to at least try.
Pulling up to Heathrow this time is painful. Once I step out of this car, it’ll be real. I’m leaving, and Noah and Maddie aren’t coming with me.
The closer we get to the arrival doors, the heavier my heart is.
I’m doing this for us, I remind myself.
It’s time for me to follow my dream. It may not be as exciting as being a professional tennis player, but I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, and if I don’t do it now, I’m afraid the what-ifs will follow me through life.
When the car comes to a stop, I want to throw up.
I’m going to break down in front of all these people and completely embarrass myself. I can all but guarantee it.
Noah lets go of my hand and opens his door.
Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry.
He comes around to my side and holds his hand out. “Come on, Curls.”
I heft my backpack onto my shoulders, and Noah snags my duffel and suitcase from the driver, then strides straight for the doors.
“Where are you going?” I hurry after him.
He looks back at me, and I’m struck with the realization that after this morning, I won’t see him every day. He’s got his cap on backward, probably because he knows it drives me crazy, and his skin is tan from all his time on the court.
“You didn’t think I’d make you wait at your gate by yourself for hours, did you?”
“Hold on,” I say as the doors slide open. “Are you telling me you bought a second ticket just so you could go through security and sit with me until I have to board?”
This man.
Months ago, I thought Noah was nothing but a rude asshole. In reality it was simply a facade he hid behind to protect his tender heart.
“Yes.”
My heart takes a tumble. “Noah.” His name is practically a whimper.
He keeps breaking my heart all over again. Why does he have to be so good?