39. Sabrina
CHAPTER 39
SAbrINA
It feels like a year has passed by the time I step off the plane.
I ring Noah from the jet bridge and he answers as I’m stepping into the airport in search of a bathroom.
“Hey.” He sounds a tad breathless. “You landed?”
“Yeah. I have to pee so bad.”
His chuckle causes tears to fill my eyes because I don’t know when I’m going to hear that sound in person again. “Did you not pee on the flight?”
“Of course I did. But I have to go again.”
“We can talk later, then. Let me know when you’re with Lucy.”
“I will,” I promise.
“Okay, talk to you soon.” Then he’s gone.
I stare at my phone, confused about why he hung up so abruptly.
Maybe he’s worried about the state of my bladder?
I read once about a woman whose bladder exploded because she held her pee too long. Did he read the same article?
I use the restroom and as I follow the signs to baggage claim, Lucy texts to tell me she’s almost here.
It’s by sheer luck only that I don’t throw my back out when I yank my overstuffed suitcase off the carousel.
I miss Noah.
Get it together. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.
Weighed down by my luggage, both physical and mental, I head outside just as Lucy’s vehicle pulls up.
Relief floods me immediately when she hops out of the car.
“Oh my God, look at you!” I drop my duffel and open my arms, shocked at how much her belly has grown. Sure, I’ve been seeing it on FaceTime, but it’s different in person. “There’s really a baby in there, huh?”
“Yep, really a baby,” she laughs, squeezing me tight. She lets me go but keeps a hold on my elbows. “How are you doing?”
And just like that, the waterworks start up.
“Oh, Sabrina.” She pulls me into another hug and rocks from side to side. “Come on, let’s get you something to eat. Are you hungry? Maybe some coffee to help with the jetlag. Do you need to stop at a pharmacy or anything?”
“Food and coffee would be great.” I wheel my suitcase to her trunk and heft it inside, then lay my duffel and backpack down beside it.
Once I’m buckled into the passenger seat, I send a text to Noah, letting him know I’m with Lucy and getting a bite to eat. Before he can reply, I shut off my phone. I just… I need to try not to think about him right now.
“Do you want to talk about things or…?” My best friend turns down the radio and peers over at me, her lips tugging down at the corners.
“Not right now.” My nose tingles and tears threaten again. “I need to eat and sleep and just… figure it out.”
We swing by a fast-food joint and I get a burger, fries, and Diet Coke. Every bite of it is gone before we even make it back to the house.
The car has barely come to a stop in the driveway when the front door opens and Alyssa comes out. Without a word, she strides straight for me and opens her arms for a hug.
“How are you feeling?” she asks as she releases me.
I shuffle to the back of the car and pull out my suitcase. “Sad, but I’ll be okay.”
And I will be. Eventually.
Upstairs in the guest room, I leave my suitcase next to the bed, and Alyssa drops the duffel onto the mattress.
Lucy hugs me once more and holds me for a long moment. “Unpack and get some rest. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
When I’m alone, I collapse on the bed, taking a few deep breaths. I should turn my phone back on and check my messages, but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’ll only remind me that Noah’s so far away.
I give myself a couple of minutes to rest before I get up and put my stuff away. I don’t want to, but if I leave things in my suitcase, I worry it’ll feel like I’m leaving any minute to go back when I’m not.
After everything’s put away and the suitcase is shoved under the bed, I hop in the shower to wash the travel day off my skin.
Ensconced in the small space and beneath the spray, I let the tears fall freely.
I miss him and Maddie. I miss Ebba, too, and even Fisher.
“It’ll be okay,” I say aloud. “This is what you always wanted.”
But is it really? Or is it what I used to want? Because suddenly it doesn’t feel at all like the dream I once had for myself.
I have to give it a chance. My heart is breaking. That’s where the uncertainty is coming from.
Clean and in fresh pajamas, I settle in the center of the bed with my computer. The first email to pop up is from Noah.
Subject: Did you turn your fucking phone off?
Sabrina,
WTF?
—Noah
PS Please check in.
I scroll through the rest of the new messages in my inbox, finding one from Jessica asking if we can meet this Friday. I reply, letting her know I’m back in the area and that Friday will be great.
Then I reply to Noah.
Subject: Yes, I fucking did.
Noah,
I’m at Lucy and Alyssa’s. I’m fine. Don’t worry. I just need a little space. I’m going to try to sleep. Tell Maddie I love her, please? And tell her I’ll talk to her soon.
—Sabrina
I close my laptop and set it on the nightstand.
Fuck.
Why does this have to be so hard?
The next morning, when I stumble downstairs in search of coffee, Lucy is already dressed for work.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” she says. “How are you feeling?”
“Moderately more human.”
“Good.” She picks up a package from the kitchen table I hadn’t noticed and holds it out. “This was delivered this morning.”
Brows furrowed, I inspect the box, noting my name and Lucy’s address. “I didn’t order anything.”
She shrugs. “Open it. I’ve gotta go, but Alyssa is working from home if you need anything.”
Though I’m still not convinced the package is mine, I use a kitchen knife to open it. My name is on the outside, after all.
Inside, I find all my favorite hair care products. I left mine behind since they were full-size bottles and I took a commercial flight. But here they are, brand new bottles of all the things I love.
Freaking Noah and his thoughtfulness. God, my heart pangs so violently I almost double over.
I love that man, but damn him for making me sad all over again.
I turn my phone on, not at all surprised when I’m greeted by a string of texts.
Noah: What did you get to eat?
Noah: Are you feeling okay? Jet lag?
Noah: Have you heard anything about the job?
Noah: Why aren’t you answering?
Noah: Is your phone not working?
Noah: You can turn airplane mode off now.
Noah: Did you turn your phone completely off?
Noah: Sabrina, please, I just want to make sure you’re okay.
Noah: I’m emailing you.
I can’t help but smile.
Me: Thank you for all the hair products.
He replies instantly.
Noah: You’re welcome. Don’t go radio silent on me again. Please.
Me: I think it’s better if we talk less. Just for now. It hurts too much.
Three little dots appear and disappear and appear again.
Noah: I see what you’re doing and NO. We’re not breaking up without even giving the long-distance thing a shot. We have to try, Curls. Just like you have to try this job. Okay? Talking less isn’t going to make you less sad. Those two things don’t equate, so don’t even go there. Now, tell me—what are you up to?
I can practically hear him lecturing me.
Me: I’m getting ready to make breakfast. It’s a little late, but I slept for a long time.
Noah: I have to get back to training. Enjoy your breakfast. I love you.
Me:
I slap a hand to my face and groan. The man tells me he loves me, and I give him a thumbs-up. I’m pathetic.
My need to shut down and protect myself might be the undoing of everything.
“I take it Noah has you looking at your phone with that pathetic puppy dog face?”
Startling, I set my phone down and spin to face Alyssa. “Is it that obvious?”
With a squeeze of my shoulder, she passes me and heads for the fancy high-tech stainless-steel coffee maker on the opposite side of the kitchen.
“Love turns us into the best and worst kind of fools.” She sets the coffee maker to brew, then turns and leans against the cabinets. “I obviously don’t know the gist of what went down, but are you okay? Is this what you want?”
I rub my hand over my face and pull out one of the stools at the island. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
I give her the rundown about the job opportunity and about Noah’s concern that if I don’t live for myself, I’ll one day regret it. “I love that he doesn’t want me to blindly follow him around. That he wants me to find my own path. But I feel like I’ve changed so much, and while I still want to teach, I’m questioning if this is how I want to do it.”
“Do you have an in-person meeting scheduled?”
“Friday.”
She picks up her mug and takes a sip, her eyes closing. “I needed that.” Wrapping her fingers fully around the cup, she says, “So see what happens. Nothing is stopping you from getting on a plane back to him, but you owe it to yourself to be sure of your decision, and it seems like Noah knows that.”
“Do you think I’m crazy?” I ask her. “This should be a no-brainer, right?”
Laughing, she settles on the stool beside me. “I’ve learned that being an adult means being perpetually confused about each and every decision you make.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” Her lips quirk up on one side. “It sounds like Noah wants you to be certain of what you want in the future. If it isn’t a traditional teaching position, then that’s okay. It’s okay to change paths, Sabrina. Dreams can change.”
“Yeah.” I let out a long sigh, slumping against the island. “You’re right. Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Any time.” Patting my arm, she slides off the stool. “I have to get back to work, but you know where to find me.”
I watch her go, replaying her words.
Dreams can change.
But have mine?