38. Sabrina
CHAPTER 38
SAbrINA
I want to throw up.
I don’t want to do the mature thing. I don’t want to have to be the grown-up. I want someone else to tell Maddie I’m leaving. It’s going to kill me to break her heart.
If I pleaded enough, I think Noah would give in, but in my heart, I know he’s right. Deep down, I want the job. If I don’t take it, I’ll always wonder.
Maddie bursts into the room, oblivious to the way I’m falling apart on the inside. Oblivious to the devastation on her father’s face.
It’s like I’m being torn in two.
Nothing about this feels right, but if I want a real future with Noah, then I need to be my own person. I can’t just be his nanny forever.
“Hey, princess.” He scoops his daughter up and peppers her face with kisses.
Fisher sets Maddie’s bag on the bed, and when he looks at me, his eyes widen. “What’s going on?”
It takes all my strength not to burst into tears.
Maddie lost her mom, but Annie didn’t have a choice. She had to go. I’m choosing to leave, and that seems so much worse.
Noah sets his little girl on her feet again and eyes his best friend. “You should stay for this.”
Fisher’s eyes dart between us, his face a mask of concern. He thinks that our fling has ended and I’ve quit. A part of me wishes it were that. It would be a hell of a lot easier than the reality of loving Noah so much that I have to step away and be my own person without them.
Noah guides Maddie over to the bed and helps her settle on the edge. Then he squats in front of her, hands clasped. “Mads, Sabrina and I have something to talk to you about.”
Maddie’s eyes widen with excitement. “Is Sabrina pregnant? Am I going to be a big sister?”
It’s like a knife to the heart. Nothing could’ve prepared me for that line of thinking.
“No.” Noah shakes his head, his expression faltering for an instant. “Sabrina’s not having a baby. She’s… well, she’s going back to the States.”
“Oh. To visit her friend?” She looks my way. “When will you be back?”
“No, baby,” Noah says, pulling her attention back to him. “She has a job interview that sounds promising. She won’t be coming back.”
Her face falls, and those hazel eyes swim with hurt. “But you teach me. Why do you need to teach other kids?”
Noah clears his throat. God, I’m grateful he has enough composure to lead this conversation. I’m pretty sure the second I open my mouth, a sob will come out. I’m not typically an overly emotional person. From a young age, I had no one to rely on but myself, and I learned how to keep a level head. But Noah’s effortlessly woven his way into being the person I can trust whole-heartedly.
“Sabrina’s always wanted to be a teacher in a classroom. She can’t do that here, sweetie.”
Her watery eyes meet mine.
Oh, fuck.
I hate this.
Lip trembling, she wrings her hands. “I don’t want you to go.”
I drop to my knees and open my arms, and without hesitation, she throws herself at me and buries her face in my chest. As she cries, I wrap my arms tightly around her and finally let my own tears fall.
“It’s not forever,” I tell her.
At least, I don’t think it is. I don’t want it to be.
“It’s not?” She pulls away and peers up at me through wet lashes.
“Nothing’s going to stop me from seeing you.”
I mean it too. Even if Noah and I decide we can’t do long-distance, I’ll FaceTime Maddie every single day if I can and I’ll see her in person as often as possible.
“Why can’t you stay, though? Aren’t we good enough for you?”
I lower my head so she can’t see the complete and utter devastation that washes over me. So often, when I was a child, I wondered the same thing. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t good enough for my parents or why they couldn’t just love me instead of constantly arguing and finding fault in everything I did.
“You are,” I tell her. “You’re more than enough.”
“Please, stay,” she begs, clinging to me, her tears dampening my shirt. “I’ll do anything.”
Tears pour from me like a fountain. I hate this so much even if the reasons for doing it are valid. “I wouldn’t go if I didn’t have to.”
She buries her head in my shoulder. I hold her while she cries, trying my best to get my own emotions under control.
Over her shoulder, Noah’s face is etched in devastation. Beside him, Fisher rubs his chin and mouths, “You guys are idiots.”
Probably, but I need to do this, and Noah needs me to as well.
He hasn’t come out and said it, but he worries that our proximity is what’s made us fall so hard.
I, on the other hand, know that no matter where I am in this world, I’ll always be drawn to him. Noah Baker, grumpy asshole extraordinaire, is my own personal sunshine.
“When do you leave?” Maddie releases me, and with a sniff, she darts to Noah.
The separation that’s already settling in makes my stomach turn.
“Tomorrow,” I answer.
When I woke up, Noah had already booked the flight. I felt both hurt and grateful. My fear of abandonment tells me he did it so he could be sure he could really get rid of me. My logical side knows he did it because if we waited, there’s a good chance we’d chicken out.
I have to explore this path so I can know with certainty what I truly want my future to look like.
And Noah needs to know that if I choose them, it’s because it’s what I want.
“Tomorrow.” She rubs her face against her dad’s shirt. “That’s so soon.”
I’ll be heading back to the States tomorrow morning, and tomorrow night, Maddie and her dad will be on their way to Paris for the Olympics.
“I know.”
“Dad? Can I have a phone so I can talk to Sabrina?”
He rubs the top of her head, ruffling her hair. “Of course.”
“You’ll answer if I call, won’t you?”
She could call me in the middle of the night and I’d talk to her for hours.
“Absolutely.”
“Will you come see us in Paris?”
My lungs constrict. “Probably not.”
School starts in a matter of weeks. If I get the job, I’ll be busy getting everything I need for my classroom.
“What comes after Paris, Dad?”
“The Cincinnati Open. We’ll be in Ohio.”
“What about there, Sabrina?” she asks, whole face brightening. “That’s in America. Can you visit us there?”
“I don’t know.” God, I feel so helpless. “We’ll have to see.”
Her shoulders deflate.
My stomach churns at the thought that I’m the cause of any of her suffering.
“You matter to me. So much, Maddie.” More than she knows. “We’ll see each other again. I promise.”
She shoves her pinky out to me. “Pinky swear?”
I hook my little finger with hers. “Pinky swear.”
Keep it together, I chant silently.
With my bags packed on one side of me and Noah on the other, I’m doing my best not to lose it.
When the sleek black car pulls up in front of us, I peer up at the man I’ve fallen in love with.
“I guess this is goodbye.”
He shakes his head and tugs me close. “Not yet.”
“The car’s here. I have to go.”
The driver is already rounding the back of the vehicle, headed straight for my luggage.
Oh, shit. It’s the same guy who took us to our dinner at the castle. Now I really, really hope he was oblivious to what happened in the back of the car.
“I’m going with you to the airport.”
“Noah.” My lips flatten, even as my heart flips. “We have to say goodbye at some point.”
He stuffs his hands in the kangaroo pouch of his hoodie. “I know, but not yet.”
I don’t know whether to be grateful for the extra time or hate him for dragging this out when I just want to cry in peace.
When my luggage is loaded, he guides me into the back of the car. As the driver pulls away from the curb, my breaths speed up, becoming more shallow. I said goodbye to Maddie last night. Noah and I agreed it would be too hard to do it this morning. Not to mention the early hour. It’s still dark outside, and as usual, rain drizzles lazily on the windshield.
Our clasped hands rest on the leather seat between us as we peer out our respective windows rather than look at each other. If I look at him, I’ll fall apart, and I have a feeling the same goes for him.
The worst part is, I think I could’ve convinced myself and him that this was the wrong choice if I hadn’t gotten a response from Jessica and felt the stirring of excitement in my stomach.
Noah’s right. I need to at least try.
Pulling up to Heathrow this time is painful. Once I step out of this car, it’ll be real. I’m leaving, and Noah and Maddie aren’t coming with me.
The closer we get to the arrival doors, the heavier my heart is.
I’m doing this for us , I remind myself.
It’s time for me to follow my dream. It may not be as exciting as being a professional tennis player, but I’ve always wanted to be a teacher, and if I don’t do it now, I’m afraid the what-ifs will follow me through life.
When the car comes to a stop, I want to throw up.
I’m going to break down in front of all these people and completely embarrass myself. I can all but guarantee it.
Noah lets go of my hand and opens his door.
Do not cry. Do not cry. Do not cry.
He comes around to my side and holds his hand out. “Come on, Curls.”
I heft my backpack onto my shoulders, and Noah snags my duffel and suitcase from the driver, then strides straight for the doors.
“Where are you going?” I hurry after him.
He looks back at me, and I’m struck with the realization that after this morning, I won’t see him every day. He’s got his cap on backward, probably because he knows it drives me crazy, and his skin is tan from all his time on the court.
“You didn’t think I’d make you wait at your gate by yourself for hours, did you?”
“Hold on,” I say as the doors slide open and we head toward TSA PreCheck. “Are you telling me you bought a second ticket just so you could go through security and sit with me until I have to board?”
This man.
Months ago, I thought Noah was nothing but a rude asshole. In reality it was simply a facade he hid behind to protect his tender heart.
“Yes.”
My heart takes a tumble. “Noah.” His name is practically a whimper.
He keeps breaking my heart all over again. Why does he have to be so good?
“Let’s get through security, Curls. We have a few hours to kill before you get all weepy on me, okay?”
I suck my cheeks in and blink. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to cry right now.”
Stopping near the PreCheck entrance, he sets my duffel bag on top of the suitcase and takes my face in his hands. “This doesn’t have to be goodbye.”
My lip trembles. “But it could be months before I see you again.”
“I know.” He presses his forehead to mine. “God, I know. I don’t like it, but if this… if you love me as much as I love you, we’ll figure it out. Maybe I can come to Texas before Cincinnati and after New York?”
“But you don’t know for sure?”
He shakes his head.
“Once school starts, there’s no way I can fly to you on weekends. There won’t be enough time. If I get this job, I’ll be spending my weekends creating lesson plans and grading papers and?—”
He shuts me up with a kiss. “No ifs, baby. You’re getting the job. You’re taking it. I’ll be home for a bit in November and for all of December. We can do this.”
His unwavering faith in us, his belief in me, would have me feeling foolish for being so concerned if it weren’t for the pain in his eyes. He hates this as much as I do.
I’m stuck in an impossible state, wedged between the man I’ve unexpectedly fallen for and the job I’ve always wanted.
“We can do this,” I echo.
But can we? There’s a niggling worry in the back of my mind. What we have is so new, so fragile that it might not survive the time and distance apart.
“You stay here,” he says once we’ve found my gate. “I’ll grab breakfast.”
As he walks away, I sit and clutch my backpack to my chest. I pull out my phone and text Lucy an update. She’ll be waiting at the airport when I land. I miss her, and a big part of me can’t wait to see her. But I dread it all the same, because seeing her is going to make all this even more real.
I download a couple of e-books and audiobooks for the plane ride since I’m not sure what will ultimately keep my attention.
When Noah returns, he plops down on my left side and hands me an iced coffee from Starbucks.
“Bless you.” I take a long sip. “That’s wonderful.”
Chuckling, he pulls an egg sandwich from a small paper bag and hands it to me. My stomach rumbles, reminding me that I’ve been up for hours and haven’t eaten anything.
“Lucy’s picking you up, right?”
Mouth full, I simply nod.
“And you’re staying with her?”
“For the foreseeable future, yes.”
After the months I’ve been traveling with him, I’d have no trouble getting my own place, but I know if I spend too much time alone, it’ll be hard on my mental state, and my friends have insisted I stay with them.
“Good,” he replies, rubbing his hands nervously on his shorts.
I’m still wrapping my head around his presence. The man bought a plane ticket he had no intention of using just so he could keep me company. I don’t deserve him.
“I’m going to miss you,” I blurt.
He looks at me, a crumb stuck on his lip. God, he looks so young and boyish in this moment that it breaks my heart all over again. How am I supposed to leave him? I brush it away, letting my fingers linger on his lips. Once I’m on that plane, we’ll have to wait who knows how long to see one another again.
“I’m going to miss you too. Don’t think for a second I’m not hurting over this.”
When I’ve finished my sandwich, I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes in an effort to pretend we’re alone.
Too soon, they’re calling for boarding.
“You’re up first.” He gives me a nudge.
“What?” I ask stupidly.
“First class.”
My lips part and I groan. “I should’ve known you’d splurge.”
He picks up my backpack and holds it out so I can slip my arms through the straps. Then he spins me around and cups my cheeks, his head lowered to mine.
The people around us are getting a show, but I don’t care. I’m leaving the love of my life and I don’t know what happens from here. I don’t know whether we’ll make it work or whether he’ll become just a memory. A hey, remember when I was with that tennis player?
“I love you,” he whispers against my lips. “When you’re sad, don’t forget that.”
I grip his hoodie, desperate to hang on for as long as possible. “I love you too.”
With two fingers beneath my chin, he tilts my face up. “Call me the second you land, okay?”
With a thick swallow, I nod. “I will.”
“I mean it. And text me when you find Lucy and when you get to her house and?—”
I cover his lips with my finger. “I will. I promise.”
“You have to go,” he says. He doesn’t let me go.
“I know.” I make no move to release him either.
His mouth finds mine in a long, slow kiss. I’m sure people are staring, but I can’t find it in myself to care.
“I love you,” he says, taking a step back.
The lump in my throat threatens to choke me. “I love you too.”
He walks with me to the boarding area and watches as I scan my ticket and step onto the jet bridge.
Does he know I’m leaving my heart with him?
Just before the jet bridge turns, I look back and find him still watching.
I lift my hand in a wave.
He does the same.
Fuck, I hate goodbyes. We didn’t say the word, but that’s what this is.
I make it onto the plane and find a sparkling water already waiting for me. Not that I’ll drink it. I’ve never understood the appeal of carbonated water. I settle, pulling out my headphones in the hope that I can drown out my thoughts and shoving my bag beneath the seat in front of me.
It hits me now, that because Noah purchased a ticket, I won’t have a seat mate. It’s a blessing. I don’t need a stranger witnessing my impending breakdown.
I hold it together while the flight attendants go over the safety guidelines and as we taxi to the runway, but once we’re in the air, the tears finally fall. I look out the window, wondering if one of the specks disappearing below is Noah, and let myself cry.