12. Dove #2
The moon turned us into shadowy silhouettes, our features highlighted unevenly by silvery light, but that didn’t stop him from searching my face. “What are you doing out here anyway, Dove? It’s late.”
Words caught in my throat as I hesitated.
I didn’t want to tell him I’d come specifically for him, to keep him company.
Sometimes solitude called, even if what you really needed was companionship.
If Josh truly wanted to be alone, I knew he wouldn’t tell me to leave, even if it’s what he really wanted.
And somehow, I don’t think he’d appreciate me admitting I’d searched him out because I was worried he was out here alone, mopey and sad.
I shrugged causally. “Same as you, I suppose.”
Even in the moonlight, Josh’s skepticism was clear. “How’d you know I was out here by myself?”
My stomach churned unpleasantly. “Are you expecting company?”
Maybe that’s why Stella had called him tonight. Maybe she’d called asking for a hookup, and I’d misinterpreted the whole thing. My cheeks heated as I imagined finding Stella and him here together, intertwined in the back of his truck.
I looked around, but she was nowhere to be found.
“I’m alone,” Josh admitted with a shake of his head. “It’s just me out here.”
A wave of awkwardness rushed through me, and I felt stupid for coming out here.
All I wanted to do was cheer him up, let him know that I was here for him as much as he’d always proved to be there for me, especially in the beginning, when I’d first moved here.
But perhaps what he really needed was to be by himself.
I was about to apologize, turn myself around and trudge back home when he offered, “I’ve got some blankets, if you wouldn’t find it too boring to lay out and stargaze with me. Otherwise, I can’t say I’m much good company right now.”
Lay out and stargaze with him?
Be still my heart. Had Josh never opened a romance book in his life ? My heart did a concerning flip in my chest, but I knew as romantic as it sounded, Josh didn’t mean it like that. I was his stepsister, and he likely felt obligated to offer. That was all.
It soured the moment, just a little.
“I can go back if you want to be alone. I?—”
I just wanted to be with you, I almost said, but kept those words to myself.
“No, stay.” He smiled, though it looked a touch strained—like it had taken more effort than it should have. “Honestly, I could use the company right now,” he confessed, his eyes finding anywhere to look at but mine.
His soft admittance took away my hesitation. Lay in bed alone, or lay under a starry night sky with Josh? It wasn’t a hard decision to make.
Take that, Stella.
The bed of the truck shifted under me as I climbed up into it, finding the blankets still slightly warm from where Josh must have been lying down.
The view of the sky was so much nicer like this.
Sprawled out on my back, it stretched out like an endless canvas, the stars twinkling in the shape of constellations I’d never taken time to familiarize myself with.
I cursed myself for the lack of knowledge.
Something like that would have come in handy for a moment like this.
Josh settled beside me, bending one of his arms back to cradle his head. I laced my fingers together and set them on my stomach, enjoying the feeling of peace settling over me.
Crickets sang and cicadas hummed lowly in the trees surrounding us, the warm summer air a balm to the hectic week we’d both had.
I let myself savor this rare moment—the twinkling stars overhead, the hum of nighttime life, the solid presence of Josh beside me.
There weren’t many times I could say I was one hundred percent content, but this was one of them.
My eyes, which had been wide awake, now grew heavy, lulled toward sleep by the comfort of lying here.
“Why Dove?” Josh asked randomly from beside me, breaking my quiet reverie.
I hummed, my eyes slipping shut for just a moment. “Why what?”
“No, why the name Dove ? How’d your parents decide on that? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a pretty name, just?—”
My eyes blinked back open, inspecting the night sky. A star flickered in the distance, but I’d read somewhere that it wasn’t a star at all, but a satellite. An imposter in the sky. I wondered if it could see us right now, lying here, and resisted the silly urge to wave at it.
“Weird?” I suggested. Nothing I hadn’t heard before.
“ Unique ,” he stressed. That , however, I hadn’t.
Unique was a nice was of putting it, and I supposed it was. I’d never met anyone with my name before, and I’d been picked on more times than I could count for it. But I never said anything to my parents, especially after , because I wasn’t ashamed of my name. I loved it.
“My father’s name was Donovon Eugene Riley Jr.,” I explained, a mournful twinge settling in my chest at saying it out loud. “They’d been expecting a boy—at least, that’s what my mom told me—so I was supposed to be Donovon Eugene Riley the third. Instead, I came out a screaming baby girl.”
“Why am I not surprised,” Josh murmured playfully, as if attempting to lighten the mood. Josh might not have known everything about that day, but he knew my father was gone, he knew both my mother and I rarely talked about him.
Me, because it made me ache from missing him too much. Her, because I believed it helped her move on.
I didn’t want to move on. I wanted to curl up in the hole his death created in my world and never forget him.
But even though I would never forget him , the details were growing fuzzy.
It was hard to remember the exact cadence of his voice, the depth of his laughter, or how good his strong hugs had felt when he’d greeted me after I’d come home from school.
The only thing I could never forget was the shade of his eyes; all I had to do was look in the mirror, and it was like he was staring straight back.
I chuckled. “Quite the surprise, obviously, so their name choice didn’t make much sense once they found out I was a girl. But my dad said he took one look at me and wanted me to have a part of him, like he’d been willing to give me when he thought I was a boy.”
Thankfully, I didn’t feel the prick of tears like I imagined I would, telling this story. Was this growth, I wondered. Something to tell my therapist at our next meeting? Or was it because I felt so safe in Josh’s presence, the sadness didn’t have the chance to grab hold of me?
Either way, I continued after a steadying breathe, glad I wasn’t a teary mess.
“So, he named me Dove—which is nothing like Donovon—but he pulled letters from his first and middle name to make it, so I guess that was close enough for him.” I shrugged, the blanket bunching beneath me. “So, yeah…” I trailed off, a little lamely. “That’s the story behind ‘why Dove.’”
Josh was silent, but the world around us wasn’t. An owl hooted faintly somewhere deeper in the forest, a frog croaked before plopping into the water, and the leaves whispered softly in the wind.
“That’s beautiful,” Josh finally said, voice thick with honesty. “Your dad really loved you.” He had every reason in the world to be bitter about that, but he wasn’t. Instead, there was something wistful in the way the words left his mouth, a quiet kind of envy.
“Yeah.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat, that prickle present behind my eyes. Damn you, Josh! I didn’t want to cry. “He did.”
We sat there, watching the sky again, both of us silent.
“What’s your?—”
“Isn’t it my turn to ask a question?” I interrupted him, turning to throw him a tiny, playful glare. “You already got one.”
He shook his head, amused. “It’s not a game, Dove.”
“So? That doesn’t mean you get to hog all the questions.”
He glanced out the corner of his eye at me. “Does that mean you have a question lined up?”
Yes. It sprung instantly to my head. Why do you and your dad not get along?
My mouth opened, then closed, as I reconsidered. I couldn’t ask it. I wouldn’t ask it. Because despite my curiosity, I had a hunch on what his answer would be.
He shifted so he could look at me better, the raise of his eyebrows sightly visible in the light of the moon. “Now I’m curious.”
I shook my head, settling back down on my back to avoid the intensity of Josh’s inquisitive stare. “No, go ahead.” I waved at the air in front of me. “Ask your question, I’ll think of one.”
His eyes stayed pinned to the side of my face until he finally reclined back into his earlier position.
“What’s your biggest fear?”
“Spiders,” I answered automatically without thinking about it because it really had been one of my fears.
Back when I was younger, there was nothing more terrifying than seeing a spider in the house, or even worse, believing one to be on me.
But after everything I’d been through, and living on a farm, no less, it seemed kind of silly to fear a creature smaller than you.
Despite how creepy they looked, they were more scared of us giants, I imagined. And rightfully so.
When my response didn’t inspire a reply from Josh, I wondered if he found my answer boring. That was until Josh’s deep, hushed voice broke the silence.
“There’s only one rule while we’re here, Dove.”
I turned my head to glance at him. He kept his stare skyward.
“And what’s that?” I asked, curious.
A few beats of silence, then he was turning his head to meet my gaze. “While were here, in this truck, we’re honest with each other. No lies.”
No lies. My stomach twisted.
“All right,” I agreed, sounding surer than I felt. “No lies.”
Then I guess my answer needed a bit of modifying, I supposed. I hadn’t meant to lie to Josh, I just… I wasn’t used to talking about these kinds of things with anyone but my therapist. It’d been hard enough mentioning my dad, now this ?
But if I wanted to ask him my own invasive questions, although I’d yet to think of anything beyond the one, I suppose I should answer his.
“Losing someone I love,” my admission came as a whisper. I kept my gaze on the beautiful sky, and not on Josh, hoping it would give me the strength to continue.
“I know I already lost someone.” My throat worked as I swallowed, that damn lump making itself known in my throat again. “But sometimes I have nightmares of that day, only it’s not my dad. It’s my mom.” Or you. “I’m afraid I’ll lose everyone I love. That it’s only a matter of time until I’m alone.”
Tears welled in my eyes, but I held them back, staring up at the blurry night sky as I breathed evenly. When I’d managed to keep them from falling, I risked a glance over at Josh.
His eyes shone back, determined and sincere. “I won’t leave you,” he whispered to me, sounding so confident it made my heart skip a beat.
You don’t know that . There was no way Josh could promise me something like that, but still I asked, “You promise?”
Maybe a part of me needed to hear it, even if I knew they were nothing but words.
“I promise.”
I smiled at him, and when he smiled back it was like all the air had gone from the world.
Finally, I had an answer to ask back that didn’t feel too intrusive. I knew his answer couldn’t have been as morbid as mine was.
“What’s yours?” I asked to distract myself from his handsome grin, hoping to give my heart a reprieve from where it kept fluttering wildly. “And I swear, if you say spiders…”
He barked out a laugh and shook his head. “Bugs are definitely not something I’m scared of.”
I rolled my eyes and made a ‘go on’ gesture with my hand. “Quit stalling.”
He shifted, turning on his side to face me. We were so close now I could feel the warmth he radiated. I kept myself right where I was, feeling stiff as a board, because it would be so easy to roll over, close the distance between us and snuggle into his side.
“Never having anyone to lose,” he admitted in a hesitant voice. “I know that sounds weird, and I don’t mean I want to lose someone but…”
He blew out a breath. “The ones you’re afraid of losing,” he said, “I don’t have anyone like that.
I lost my mom before I could ever know her, ever love her.
My dad blames me because she died having me, so we’re—not close.
” He stumbled over the words, like he’d never admitted it out loud before.
“I know it’s not his fault because all he sees when he looks at me is her. ”
So that was the tension I saw between them. That was the reason behind the chill in the air whenever Gareth was near Josh.
It made me want to stomp up to my stepfather and smack some sense into him.
“It’s still wrong, Josh,” I argued. “It wasn’t your fault.”
His silence was loud and heartbreakingly telling.
“It’s not ,” I stressed, worried he truly believed otherwise.
He shrugged impassively, flipping back over to scan the stars once more. They reflected in his glossy eyes.
“I just want one person,” he whispered brokenly, achingly earnest. “That’s all.”
Did he think that someone was Stella?
The words slipped out before I could stop them.
“You have me.”
They hung in the air between us, caught between the chirp of crickets and the soft gust of wind through the trees. My face burned. I held my breath, bracing for his mocking laughter.
But it never came.
Instead, he turned to me, voice soft and full of something like hope. “Do I?”
In that moment I swore something shifted between us, or maybe it was all in my head, my heart.
“I’m your sister now, aren’t I?” I forced myself to smile a little too brightly, to lighten whatever this feeling growing between us was. “Of course, you do.”
The stars in his eyes seemed to dim, and the wild thing in my chest pinched as if I’d said the wrong thing. I rubbed at my chest discreetly, willing the feeling away.
I took in Josh’s moonlit outline and wondered.
That was all I could offer him… right?