5. Eliza #2
Ten-ish minutes of walking later, and we made it to the park in one piece. Asher was still too small and young to enjoy the whole park, but he always had fun running around, climbing what structures he could, going down the slide (with my help), and swinging on the swings.
Wonderful little moments like these always tugged at my heartstrings.
I couldn't help the thoughts of Asher growing up from fluttering through my mind.
Soon, he wouldn't want to go to the park anymore, nor would he ever be this carefree toddler again.
All the smiles and giggles right now, they were only now and never after.
These were the moments I would miss, but they were also the ones that made me appreciate motherhood.
It really was special, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.
Capturing these moments on my phone didn't do them any justice, but it was the least I could do to preserve the memories.
Everything was perfect for a long while until Asher decided to go rogue. "Asher!" Of course, my clumsy ass managed to trip on thin air when I went after my speedy toddler.
"Wait!" I paid no attention to the sting on my cheek from my face plant, nor the dirt in my mouth as I struggled to chase after him; I was too worried about my son crashing into someone or something—or, God forbid, a car.
My racing heart stilled with warmth at the sound of a familiar voice. "Whoa, there, bud!" A sense of relief and security blanketed me when my wide eyes caught sight of Adam holding a giggling Asher in his arms. "Where's—"
His worried face instantly relaxed and brightened when his head did a quick sweep, and his eyes landed on me.
One look at his face as his sharp eyes locked onto mine, and you'd probably think he'd won the lottery or something.
"Eliza." And that billion-dollar smile made me feel like someone important.
It only took him a few strides to close the distance between us—him and his long legs. I couldn't stop my eyes from wandering to his muscular legs, appreciating how nicely toned they were. Of course, I didn't stop at his legs. Slowly, my eyes worked their way up his fit body.
Fuck you for being so damn perfect.
Seriously, he looked like those damn statues carved by ancient sculptors.
Every part of his strong, athletic build was perfectly proportionate.
I was willing to bet that every inch of his six-foot-something body was perfectly toned with muscle.
He wasn't bulky and built like a tank like a bodybuilder, but I could see the nice definition of his triceps and biceps, and lordy, those forearms of his were so perfect.
Then those nice veins… God, it'd be so easy to just stick a needle in him.
Hell, forget about anatomy models and diagrams on paper; this man would be the perfect study model.
"Eliza?" A chilling shock to my body made me flinch when Adam waved his hand right in my face.
Whatever awe and wonder checking his body out had blessed my mind with flew away as the demons came crashing in like a stampede of raging bulls.
Out of pure instinct, I flinched away from Adam, cowering and covering my head protectively with my arms. The ache in my tense muscles worsened at the feeling of large hands wrapping themselves around my wrists, and I only resisted more when I felt the tug.
"Mama."
"Eliza."
Their voices muddled together in my adrenaline-filled mind. I didn't try to fight the sensation of my curled-up body being moved. The anticipation of blows on my body caused me to clam up even more to where I probably looked like an armadillo. Yet, they never came. All I felt was warmth.
A part of me dreaded the crushing pressure that would come when I felt the pair of strong arms wrapping around me. I wanted to take comfort in Adam's embrace, but I was too terrified.
Adam was probably pissed I let Asher get away, that he could've been severely hurt. He probably thought that I should have been more mindful, paid more attention, and been better. There were so many things he could beat me for, and I wasn't ready for it. It'd been too long since…
I can't…
"Hey." The softness and warmth of his voice took me by surprise, making me freeze because I didn't know how to process it. Was it a ploy to get me to lower my guard? It had to be, right? I mean, hitting me while I was all clammed up wouldn't be any fun.
A slow trickle of fingers flowed down the back of my hair as Adam soothed me with soft shushes. "Hey, you're okay. You are okay." His rough fingers slowly pried at mine, peeling my stiff hand away from my head.
Resting his head against the side of mine, he spoke in a calming voice, "You are safe." His words vibrated against my head, making me shiver a bit from the ticklish sensation.
Deft fingers danced down my head, and a gentle hand caressed up and down my spine warmly, easing the nasty tension out of my body layer by layer. It probably helped that Asher had joined in, rubbing my back haphazardly in a way that felt like he'd give me a skin burn.
Carefully, Adam lowered my other hand down into my lap, holding both my hands with his while he kept an arm wrapped around my waist. "There you go, good girl.
" His deep voice sent a hot wave of calm and pleasure throughout my body, causing me to shudder slightly.
"Keep breathing deeply like that for me.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
Keep coming back to us." He continued to soothe and encourage me with his calming touch.
"There's nothing to be afraid of. You are safe here, with me. "
Am I, though?
Was I ever truly going to be safe?
Going against my better judgment, I gave up the fight and let my body relax into Adam's embrace. "There you go, Eliza, that's a good girl."
Another zap of pleasure clenched my shuddering body when I heard those two words being uttered from his mouth. Then again, this whole thing felt… Weird… I shouldn't be so calm in his arms.
By all means, Adam was still very much a stranger to me.
Both our arms were nudged around as Asher forced himself between us to get into my lap. "Mama?" His big, rusty brown eyes peered up at me blankly as he scrunched his face pensively.
I had no idea what thoughts went through his little brain, but he instantly threw his arms around my neck, strangling me with a hug. "Mama?" Leaning back, Asher flashed me a toothy grin as if to cheer me up.
Well, it worked because it got me cracking a smile and laughing, along with Adam. "I'm okay, baby." I tried my best to believe my own lie as I put on a strong smile for my son. "I'm okay." Eventually, I'd believe the lie after telling myself so many times.
Fake it until I made it… At least, that's what I wanted to believe. I mean, I probably could lull myself into that false sense of security, but again, nothing good would come from letting my guard down. It was only a matter of time until something bit me in the ass.
Sliding out of my lap, Asher sat beside us, picking at the grass and flowers within his reach. It amazed me sometimes, how short of an attention span he had. It also brought a warm smile to my face, because it reminded me of how innocent he truly was.
Adam's heavy voice called out to me, "Eliza," making my chest feel like it caved in with the dread that pulled at me from the inside. "Look at me," he demanded sternly, yet it wasn't harsh.
Reluctantly, I bowed my head and glanced up at him half-heartedly. "L-listen, I know what you're going to say, and I'll do better next time." Shame on me for thinking I could get away without a scolding; the least I could do was try to mitigate it.
When Adam didn't respond, I frowned and furrowed my eyes together slightly. Why wasn't he yelling at me for being careless? Where were the harsh words about how stupid I was to let Asher get away from me?
A reflexive flinch shocked my body at the feeling of his skin against mine. "Eliza…" His finger curled under my chin, and his thumb held my chin softly as he tilted my head up to fully look at him.
I instantly regretted meeting his eyes when I saw how sharp with anger they had become.
Oh God, this is going to be worse than I thought.
All I could think about was how I would brace myself for his fury, but before I could cover myself with my hands, he stopped me by grabbing both my wrists into his large hand.
His gray eyes turned into stones under running water when they softened with concern.
"Did you think I was going to hit you just now?
" I didn't expect such a question to come out of his mouth, especially with how torn and angry he sounded.
Forcing my nerves down my throat, I held myself together enough to answer him. "Y-your eyes were angry at me," I replied to him meekly, while averting my gaze.
His head instantly shook in denial as his face twisted with a guilty frown.
"Oh, no, Eliza, no." Cupping my face, he steadied my eyes back on his.
"No, that anger was not for you. No." He quickly shook his head.
"Any anger you see from me will never be for you or because of you," he assured me with such sweet confidence that I felt it down to my very bones.
Exhaling shakily, my question slipped out with my breath, "Then why were you mad? If not at me?" The question festered in my mind, but I didn't want to manifest it out into the world.
Well, it was too late now.
"I will answer your question if you agree to answer mine," he bargained with a hesitant yet charming smile. "Deal?"
Something about his smile set me on edge, as it reminded me of a snake. I shouldn't agree, that's what my gut told me, but I decided to be stupid today. "Okay." My reply barely came out above a whisper.
The corners of his lips curved ever so slightly in victory, before his mouth moved.
His silky-smooth voice started out calm, but it slowly dipped with a rasp as his seething rage seeped into his words.
"I was angry at the thought of someone daring to raise their hand at you.
" The softness in his eyes had hardened so much that his gray eyes looked like sharp stones.
"Angry at how someone can be so cruel to crush such a beautiful thing like you to pieces, break you down so much that your first instinct was to ball up and protect yourself at the sight of me running to you. "
I didn't know how to react to that. I expected some kind of gaslighting from him, or for me to be the main reason for the fury that lit up his eyes. I mean, I was the subject, kind of, but not in a bad way as I'd thought. He was mad, not at me , but for me .
"But why?" Once again, my thought slipped free from my mouth before I had an inkling to hold it back.
Chuckling amusingly, Adam licked his lips almost playfully and teasingly.
"That wasn't the deal, but I'll bite," he mused playfully, flashing me a quick grin as he held me tightly against him.
"Besides it being wrong for anyone to raise their hand to a woman, it's even more wrong, just downright sinful, for anyone to hurt you.
" His thumb lightly brushed along the tip of my chin and jawline.
"And since you aren't going to feel angry about it yourself, then someone has to. So, it might as well be me."
A dry chuckle shook my slumped shoulders. "I don't deserve it, so save it for someone who actually matters," I remarked with a pressed smile, holding back a wince at my harsh words toward myself.
His eyes narrowed at me almost daringly with a raised brow. "You don't think you matter?" He almost sounded a little peeved at my low self-esteem.
Frowning deeply, I hung my head shamefully and shook it. "I don't think— I know I don't matter." Probably not what he wanted to hear, but it was the truth.
A faint click of a tongue followed a tick in Adam's neck muscles.
Then, I felt some pressure on the back of my head as my hair was grabbed into his fist. It wasn't a harsh or painful tug by any means, but I got fearful chills standing every hair on my body up when he pulled my head back.
Every vertebra creaked softly in my skull as my stiff neck was forced back until I couldn't budge my head from him.
All I could do to avoid his gaze was shut my eyes tightly.
Unfortunately, that only lasted a sweet second before his dominating voice shattered me. His tone was stern but stable and calm. "Eliza, open your eyes and look at me."
Relaxing my eyes, I let them open to his command, against my better judgment. I wanted to fight him off and curl up in a ball again. Yet, I found myself staring at him in confusion and awe as I anxiously waited for his calm face to contort in anger.
Why isn't he getting mad? Is he trying to lull me into a false sense of security before slapping me? Why was I so eager to obey him? Why am I not pissing myself right now?
Slowly, his eyes darkened, making me shiver and cower a little under him.
I couldn't discern the mess of emotions that made his gray orbs darken so much that they almost seemed black.
His deep voice was so calm and orderly that it didn't feel like I was getting chided by him.
"You are anything but worthless. You are busting your ass day in and day out to provide a good life for your son.
You work yourself to the bone to be the best mother possible and to just make it.
" His grip slackened until his hand cradled the back of my head tenderly.
"That in itself makes you worth so much. "
Letting go of my waist, he raised his other hand to cup my face, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
"Besides being an amazing mother and hard worker, you are kind, caring, and selfless.
" He almost sounded envious of me as he spoke with a proud smile.
"I don't know what happened to you, but you hold nothing against the world when you should.
There isn't a speck of malice in your tired but bright eyes. "
Softening his smile, he leaned in and pressed his lips against my forehead in a chaste kiss. "And I am going to spend every second of every damn day trying to show and prove to you that you are not worthless." His promising words made a wave of warmth cascade down my body.
I wanted to believe him and give him a chance—really, I did.
But it wouldn't be fair to him.
I had nothing to give.
My heart was broken beyond repair. It had been broken long ago, and there weren't any pieces left to try to put back together. It was nothing but a pile of dust. Well, there might be one sliver of a piece left, but that was reserved for Asher.
"Please," he begged, his whole face softening rather convincingly. "Just one chance."