Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
“The only thing better than pie is watching someone floor Lucifer.”
I needed to remember that Lucifer cheated whenever he could whenever he wanted.
Rather than drive to the livestock sale like sane sentients with trucks, after we reached a quiet stretch of road not far after leaving my street, the bastard opted for mass teleportation.
Fortunately for me, there were no animals in the back, as I’d left Joy alone with her black rooster of a suitor so I might have some frizzle babies.
Unfortunately for me, I panicked, slammed the brakes, and smashed my forehead directly into the steering wheel of my truck.
Sometimes, being short and small benefited me.
Others, it resulted in a lump on my forehead, a bloodied nose, and literal tears.
Yuless held a handkerchief to my nose, checking it every now and then to see if the bleeding had stopped. After ten minutes, rocking bumps, bruises, and a black eye, he declared I’d probably survive.
As he lacked common sense, he went after the Devil like he meant it and cold cocked the bastard.
“You may take me on a date now,” I announced. “The only thing better than pie is watching someone floor Lucifer.”
Darlene nudged her husband, who whined and groaned about the unfairness of it all.
“I warned you, you idiot. I know you wanted to surprise them, but you surprised her straight into busting her face on her steering wheel. You’re lucky you had the foresight to teleport us to the lot, you’d arranged for the lot to be cleared for us, and that they’re holding the start of the auction for us.
I’ll call your brother. You clean the blood out of her truck.
And don’t you dare heal that black eye, you little bitch. You deserve it!”
I loved Darlene. “Why can’t I marry you?” I complained.
“We’d beat each other up every day, and you don’t swing that way. I don’t swing that way either, although I do love a good pair of breasts. Yours are pretty, but they’re on the small side.”
I stared down at my chest, which proved her point and revealed how much I’d bled all over my shirt. “Do you think his brother can remove the stains?”
“Absolutely. You’ll just have to do some light bargaining for it. I’ll call Michael. He’s a good sport, and he can issue some burns to the idiot.”
Lucifer bounced to his feet, got into his rig, and moved it out of the way before stealing my keys and moving my truck.
When he returned, he herded us in the direction of the building.
“Welcome to Keeneland. As soon as my brother fixes your nose and cleans your shirt, we shall go in and the auction will begin. I am confident that you will be able to find the perfect little friend to take home today.”
I wanted to cry; Keeneland was the auction thoroughbred owners with a hatred of money went to so they could add a beautiful animal to their lineup—an animal that might, with the right training and care, become a Triple Crown contender. “You’re evil.”
The Devil burst into laughter and nodded.
“I really am. And as you did a horrifically good act at personal cost to yourself, I have selected several rewards for you. And as I have lured you here, and we cannot teleport back because of the precious cargo we will be hauling, I have taken advantage of the opportunity to continue the renovations on your barns, arena, and basement.”
“Wait, basement?”
“I noticed your food hoarding tendencies, and I have hired the best workers to ever exist to build everything I have decided you are receiving while I’m providing this most excellent distraction. Thank you for playing right into my hands, Yuless.”
The tall, dark, and handsome sighed. “Please tell me you were serious about the date, Crystal.”
Hope sprung eternal. “You’re even getting two dates, because I’m totally counting this as a date. You cold cocked the Devil, and he has been forced to accept your prowess. I mean, I’m going to be honest here: any man brave enough to sock the Devil in the eye is winning a date.”
Darlene nodded, and she paused long enough to send a text on her phone.
“It’s true. If I hadn’t already hitched this bitch and happily handled the whipping, I’d be offering you a date, too.
I’d even agree to share my date with Crystal.
For some reason, women are far more likely to attack him. Men tend to chicken out.”
A flash of silvery light announced the arrival of Michael, who laughed at the absurdity of the situation. “I do not require a bargain for this, my dearest sister. The scales have been balanced as it is. Brace yourself, Crystal. This does hurt some.”
I tensed, braced as ordered, and waited for the archangel to prove the truth of his words. While it hurt less than smashing into my steering wheel, I yelped. Blue-white light flashed over my vision, and when it faded it took the blood with it. “Thank you.”
“I shall also attend to your truck, as your air bag should have deployed. It will be corrected by the time you are ready to haul your share of the purchases. Brother, do hurry. They are waiting for you to begin the terms and conditions of the auction.”
Lucifer sighed. “You’re going to make me do it, aren’t you?”
“Do it,” Darlene ordered.
“Thank you,” the Devil muttered.
“You are welcome, my brother.”
It occurred to me I hadn’t registered to buy at any livestock auction let alone one as prestigious as Keeneland. I regarded the Devil with a horrified expression. “How am I even supposed to bid?”
“Everyone in our group is registered to bid. You will need to sign a paper upon arrival, but it will only take a moment. Michael, please confirm there is nothing slipped in.”
“The papers are legitimate and needed for you to purchase, and nothing you sign here will cause you problems,” the archangel promised. “Do hurry. They’re waiting, and there are seats reserved for you.”
I planted my hands on the Devil’s back and shoved him in the direction of the sales pavilion.
“You’re going to get me killed. I thought we were going somewhere close, and I skipped out on work.
I’m not going to show up, and that damned dragon is gonna pluck me out of my office and eat me for not getting shit done.
I’m going to die but have a new horse I probably can’t afford. ”
“A surprising number of horses go for only thirty to fifty thousand,” Lucifer replied.
“Well, maybe I can afford one or two, but not many more than that. I don’t even know how to translate auctioneer.”
Snickering, the Devil picked up the pace, and we hurried across the parking lot to the pavilion.
“It’s easy. He will start at a hundred thousand, and he’ll drop the sales price to fifty thousand, then forty, then thirty, then twenty, then ten, and so on, until someone bids.
Then they’ll proceed based on the estimated value of the horse.
You’ll have a little screen that’ll help you, and you can even bid using the digital system if you’re not comfortable with manual.
I will be doing manual. I enjoy instilling fear in the competition.
Fear gets me the horses for the cheapest price possible. ”
What had I gotten myself into? “Okay. I will try not to panic. Is there a catalog?”
Lucifer snapped his fingers and a booklet appeared, which he offered to me.
“I have taken the liberty of crossing out the horses that are predicted to sell for five hundred thousand or higher. To save you the disappointment, of course. I have also taken the liberty of circling the ones at highest risk of a fatal stop at a slaughter market. There are four of them, and none have a reserve price associated with them.”
I hated people. I tucked the catalog under my arm, muttered curses, and swore I’d pay him back for the trickery later. “And all I need to do is sign to be registered for bidding?”
“That is correct. I handled the fiscal considerations for you, and should you happen to ruthlessly attack my wallet bidding on an expensive horse, I will have to fall on the sword of your greed.”
That did a good job of settling my nerves, and I followed Lucifer to the pavilion, where he guided me to a registrar, who was waiting for us with a clipboard.
After showing my identification, I signed the papers required, accepted my bidder’s marker, and took a fresh copy of the catalog.
We headed into the pavilion proper, which had fewer than thirty people in it total.
“Is this normal? I thought it would be busier.”
“It varies year by year. I didn’t peek on how many would be attendance, just that attendance was high. This is the yearling sale, which spares you from staring pregnant mares in the eyes while you are devoured by doubt on what will happen to her precious little foal.”
“I’ll appreciate that later,” I admitted, spotting the set of four seats that was flagged as reserved.
I took the one on the far side, dragging Yuless with me so I wouldn’t be tempted to kick Darlene or Lucifer during the bidding.
“I hope you know what is going on because I don’t,” I muttered to my groom.
“I do. I had time to prepare, and I went to a different auction as an observer to get a feel for how it works. While the auctioneer goes over the rules, look over the first few pages of the catalog so you have an idea of what horses are coming up first.”
I obeyed, and I discovered each horse had a section in the catalog, featuring the animal’s photograph, their dam and sire along with their winning records, as well as the winning records of older siblings and half-siblings.
The first horse on Lucifer’s copy was circled along with a notation to wait until the animal was offered for five hundred to bid.
I pointed at the reference. “How do I know when it’s five hundred? ”
“The auctioneer will say a thousand, and then he’ll drop it to five hundred. You will then raise your hand to indicate you’re bidding.”
I scowled at the bidder number I’d been given. “What’s this thing for, then?”