Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
Our dates might get us both killed one of these days.
With a mix of magic and hair care products, Darlene stripped the black from my hair and restored it to blonde.
In her opinion, Yuless deserved to get a glimpse at the old me so he could gain a better understanding of my life and the choices I had made.
As he’d gotten to see more of my wild side, I went along with her flow.
I wanted to test how Yuless reacted to my transformation into a traditional blonde beauty rather than a woman with a willingness to dye her hair black at the first evidence of pale roots. My poor hair would appreciate the respite, especially if I left it its natural color for a while.
I questioned the succubus’s choice of dress, which involved a hip high slit, sleek enough to remove any illusions about my figure, and provided sufficient coverage to drive most men wild within an hour.
On second thought, her choice of dress made absolute sense if her goal was to give me every tool needed to entice the tall, dark, and handsome groom out of his clothes.
If things went well, I just might.
To complicate matters, Darlene made use of all my ear piercings to decorate me with an uncomfortable number of diamonds. The choker, which came from her personal collection and had red accent stones the match of my dress, would be the end of me should I lose or damage it.
I contemplated stealing the bracelet, however. It hugged my wrist and sparkled.
I held up my arm for a better look at the piece. “All right. I’ll bite. Where did you get this? How much will it be for me to get one?”
“Lucy took me to his gemstone fields and set me loose. He had some of the fucking assholes who had earned a respite from the dungeons do the cutting work and set them. As such, it cost us nothing. You can have the whole set. They were made to stay together, and I’ll just make Lucy take me out again to hunt for new gems. It’s fun.
When you get a chance to do it, you’ll love it. ”
“I’m not going to ask how much these are worth. I don’t suppose Lucifer insures stuff like this?”
“If you break it or lose it or someone is stupid enough to steal it, he’ll handle it,” she promised. “He enjoys toying with those stupid enough to steal the jewels I give to people. He takes it personally.”
Score. “Can I help?”
“That’s so much better on the selfishness front. I’m so proud of you.” The Queen of Hell kissed my cheek. “Let’s go see if your handsome man is ready. If he doesn’t clean up nice, I’m going to be shocked.”
Me too. “If he cleans up nice, I feel the effort of dressing us is going to be wasted.”
“The goal is to get you both out of your clothes, so if that succeeds, the effort is not wasted,” she reminded me.
“This is a case of where the goal is to undo our hard work. The faster you undo it, the more you win. You will learn to hate the alarm clocks in the morning. They interrupt evening affairs and good sleep.”
I snickered. “I suspect I’m going to be an afternoon dalliance type. By the time evening rolls around, I have zero energy for anything other than tucking myself into bed. It’s been bad enough scrounging the energy to eat pie before bed.”
“You should probably eat a few extra pieces of pie. You’re on the thin side.
” Darlene gave my hip a pat. “Fatten these beauties up a little, and you’ll be trailing drooling men in your wake.
I’d say aim for five pounds. That’ll be healthy.
Ten would put you at curved in all the right places and require you to buy new bras. ”
I stared down at my breasts, which had been strangled to death and sent halfway to orbit, transforming them into weapons of sexual appeal. “Are the men going to be even capable of following me around while drooling if these get bigger?”
“Surprisingly, yes. You will have zero problems seducing your date should you wish to seduce your date. Just be careful with your seductions. He plays for keeps. As it is, I’m rendering you infertile because he’s been out of the market for so long he probably doesn’t even know what a condom is at this point.
Neither of you have any diseases, so you can enjoy yourselves without consequence.
If you want consequences, come talk to me.
My working won’t expire until I remove it, and I figure the last thing you need is to be racing your horses while bleeding everywhere.
I don’t usually offer this, but you’re officially period free until after the Triple Crown.
The instant the last race of the Triple Crown is over, you will resume your regular cycle.
” Darlene giggled. “And unlike pharmaceutical birth controls, there are zero consequences for making use of my abilities.”
I took a turn kissing her cheek. “You’re the best. Brawl for pizza next week as a thank you?”
“I’m in. I’ll sneak off and only bring one pizza, and then our men can come try to break it up, resulting in chaos. It’s a date!”
Our dates might get us both killed one of these days, but I’d enjoy it while it lasted. “Nails and hair the next day. We’ll probably need to repair everything by the time we’re done. Also, plan to lose at least one primary. I need a new quill.”
She snickered. “I’ll get you a couple of angel primaries. If you think my feathers are nice, theirs are marvelous. I’ll also rob Lucifer of one or two of his for when you’re wanting to engage in acts of naughtiness.”
“Nice. Thanks. As a matter of fact, there are a few acts of naughtiness I wish to commit and put into writing, so having one of his feathers would be great for that.”
“You’d also be the only person in the entire universe brave enough to use one of Lucifer’s feathers as a quill. Archangel quills go for hundreds of thousands of dollars apiece. His? If you made one and sold it, you’d get millions without issue.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What’s the best way to go about plucking archangels?”
Darlene snickered, linked her arm with mine, and dragged me towards the door. “I recommend fog horns when they least expect it. Sometimes, you’ll get a primary to go along with hundreds of the smaller feathers. Asking is boring but will get you what you want, too. What do you want to buy?”
“Improvements to my barn, of course. I have equine royalty moving in, and I do not have nearly enough stall and pasture space for them.”
“I’m sure your pasture problem will be resolved soon enough.
Now, remember. Your first mission is to have a good time.
Your second is to remove Yuless from his clothes.
Your third is to charm him so thoroughly he goes home with you and stays when he’s not working.
After that, we get to plan a wedding, and all is right in the universe. ”
“But will our horses be invited?”
“They’ll be participants, so don’t you worry. Also, what’s this Lucifer keeps telling me about you using people as squeaky toys?”
“You’ve seen me punt my boss into the lake before. He squeaks. He’s basically a living squeaky toy who exists to pay me to put up with him and punt him into the lake.”
She halted to stare at me. “You’re not joking, are you?”
“I can’t help it. I punt him, he squeaks his protests, and the protests end with a splash. It’s a gift that keeps on giving. It might be my sole flaw. I really like punting his squeaky toy ass back to his castle.”
“I am so torn. On one hand, I want you to have harmony with your boss. On the other hand, I do not want to steal your joy.”
“Is it bad that I invited Yuless to punt squeaky toys into the lake with me?”
She bowed her head and rubbed her temple. “Sharing is caring, I suppose. But what about your alligators?”
“I asked them nicely to cuddle and not devour my punted victims. Unless it’s your husband. Can a lake of alligators actually do anything to him?”
“Not particularly.” The succubus giggled. “You know what? Carry on, Crystal. Carry on.”
* * *
Yuless wore a suit worthy of a king, and I spent a rather shameful length of time feasting on him from head to toe. Did marriage gain me access to the goods? Were the goods worth marriage over? I recognized the lust for what it was, but the whole package appealed.
Add in my sweet baby Peach Pie, his willingness to work with my hobbies and love my animals, and I questioned why I made things so difficult on myself.
I caught myself before I started drooling, but it was a close thing.
Judging from how Yuless took his time examining my attire, Darlene had done her job well.
Finally, he said, “I didn’t take you to be a blonde.”
“Genetics stated I, alas, am a blonde. I just took care with dyeing my eyebrows and hair to minimize the dumb blonde jokes. Frankly, I might even keep this look for a while just to strike terror into the hearts of the jockeys forced to race against me. A gothic woman? I think their pride handled their defeat with grace. Some blonde bimbo on a cheap horse? I’m going to leave them crying. ”
“You are hardly a bimbo.”
I grinned at that. “I dyed my hair black because I got tired of people underestimating my intellect due to my hair color. An unfortunate number of people tend to think blonde means stupid.”
“You are definitely not stupid.”
“Thank you.” I narrowed my eyes at Lucifer, who chatted with Gabriel. “Where are we going for dinner?”
“It seems my brother has decided you are going to a steakhouse in the Los Angeles area, where you will be meeting a mare who is up for sale and may be of interest to you.”
I somehow kept from crossing my eyes over the acquisition of yet another horse. “Why is the horse of interest?”
“She is Alligator Bait’s mother,” Lucifer replied. “The other is not yet aware that this freeloading thoroughbred mare he bought for even less produced a Triple Crown contender.”
“How much?”
“Ten thousand.”