Chapter 26 #4
“Do we even deserve Lucifer?” I complained. “I really don’t know how he has his reputation.”
“He can—and will—turn people inside out for looking at his daughter wrong.”
I shrugged. “As one does in such circumstances.”
Yuless eyed me. “Are you capable of turning people inside out?”
“Well, no, but I’m armed with alligators and I’m willing to feed people to them if they were to look at young members of my family wrong.”
The tall, dark, and handsome bowed his head and sighed. “I can’t even blame you for that one. If I had a bunch of alligators doing my bidding, I’d be the same way.”
“We’re agreed, then. Should children mystically appear, we will turn those who hurt them inside out using any methods we have available to us.
” I made a thoughtful sound. “Of course, we would have to allow any mystical children to make their own mistakes, but anyone who hurts them will face consequences.”
“That seems reasonable.”
“Good. It’s nice to be on the same page for such things. And since we’re discussing such matters, yes, I am a virgin. No, I have no interest in remaining one. No, I’m not a virgin because I’m a prude. I’m a virgin because there haven’t been any men in my life worth fucking.”
Yuless raised a brow. “Well, that was direct.”
I took my time enjoying the visual buffet the Devil had laid out before me.
“You’re my type of tall, dark, and handsome, and I see no reason to refuse any come hithers you might offer.
You’re also nice, you’ve been helping out around my place, and while monetary compensation for live-in helpers would be offered, I could see putting together a nice benefits package for you. ”
“Can we further discuss the benefits package tomorrow? Because while I’m quite interested in the benefits package tonight, this menu is going to defeat us.”
Was there anything more delicious than a practical man? If dinner didn’t top the man, I would be disappointed, but I’d get over it through the use of his body. “Are you a virgin or just out of luck for a long damned time?”
“I’ve been out of luck for a long damned time,” he confessed. “I’m certain I can dredge up the relevant details given an opportunity, however. At this stage, I’m considering myself a virgin.”
“Then it’s decided. Tonight, we feast. After we’ve eaten ourselves silly, requiring someone to put us to bed due to overindulgence, we will pursue the pertinent details regarding shifted living arrangements and chemistry tests.
Should everyone enjoy it, we can discuss permanency. I do have some requirements.”
“As do I, as one should for such important matters. You go first, and I will hope there are no deal breakers presented.”
I rubbed my hands together. “No cheating. I hate cheating more than I hate when my squeaky toy behaves and I have no excuse to punt his tiny dragon ass across the lake.”
Yuless laughed. “I’ll even work to make certain you have at least one tiny dragon you can punt across your lake once a week.”
“Now we’re talking business. A punted dragon a week has to be at least as good as an apple a day.
” The waiter returned with our drinks, and we both ordered the massive tomahawk destined to defeat us and require a wagon to take home.
Once Louis left, I added, “I’ll definitely still need help with the animals and garden.
I built the homestead so I could live off the land and help my neighbors. ”
“I’ll even help you deliver the bounty to the people down the street.”
With that matter settled, I considered what I needed most in life, especially from my partner.
“I do have my work, which I mean to maintain at my usual standard. Sure, I like punting my boss across the lake, but when I’m on the clock for him, I’m giving him my absolute best. I will have to travel, and I don’t know if I can take you with me.
You’ll have to be okay with that. And there will be times where I have to dress like a hussy to impress idiotic CEOs who think with their dicks rather than their brains.
That allows me to get better deals for my boss, and that is, ultimately, my job.
There’s also the matter of my former employer. ”
“And those assholes who attempted to kidnap you in front of your house.”
I shrugged. “I can defend myself, and if I can’t, well, I have dragons and I’m willing to use them.
Oh, that reminds me. Two dragons are permanent residents of my home.
They’re Ashley’s emotional support dragons, and Isaac is Ashley’s emotional support incubus.
Frankly, she’s so well supported at this point she won’t need to wear a bra unless she wants to. ”
Yuless snickered. “She’s always got a man behind her willing to put his hands to good use?”
“Precisely. Let’s just say I avoid their floor after six.
After six, all bets are off. At least they’re usually good sports and keep their debauchery to their rooms. I’m just glad the bedrooms are large.
There aren’t as many of them as there could be, but they can fit a bed big enough for four.
Where they got the bed big enough for four remains a mystery, but they pulled it off. ”
“My guess is Isaac asked Lucifer to have someone custom make the bed for them.”
I nodded my agreement to his assessment of the situation.
“I rescue people, animals, and sometimes things. I can’t help it.
I’m expecting my guest floor will be full of people who just ran out of other options, like Ashley.
Then I won’t have the heart to send them back into the world.
She’s suffered enough. But at least an incubus and two dragons will live a long time, right? ”
“One day, they’ll grieve for her like she grieves for her husband; she’s only human, after all.”
I scowled at that, wrinkling my nose. “That’s going to be a problem for us, too. I’ve been told my lifespan will be ridiculous, especially if I continue as I am.”
“Care to elaborate?”
I took my time thinking about that, taking a sip of the red wine I’d chosen for myself and savoring its earthy tones. “You know of the Fates?”
“From Greek and Roman mythology? Yeah. I know of them.”
“They are gone, and someone needs to take their place—someone willing. That someone is me. But it means I’m creating an eternal fate for myself. But unlike them, I’m making that choice of my own accord. I’m a hedge witch, so I guess it’s not a far step from the Fates.”
Yuless made a thoughtful sound. “What do you know about hedge witches?”
“Less than I thought,” I admitted. “We grow into our powers when we face death. After that, it’s nature magic. I’ve done a lot of work on my homestead safeguarding everyone I can.”
“Hedge witches were the first type of magic crafters in the lands. Some called them druids, some called them priestesses, but most believed their powers came from the divine and that they had been given divine authority to use their magic as they saw fit. And yes, all came into their power after close brushes with death. If you do not mind me asking, how did you almost die?”
I wondered how much it would bother him if I told him the truth regarding the times I’d gone a little too close to the Valley of the Shadow of Death. “I’m convinced Susie Marie and Donna Leanne have almost killed me a few times with their pies.”
“That I can believe.”
“I got sick a time or two—the kind where I probably should have gone to the hospital sooner but didn’t.
Once, I recovered on my own. The other, I spent two days there before going home and regretting I’d left.
There was also an accident—a hit and run.
I was on the sidewalk. The driver was drunk.
I got lucky there. I suffered from bruising and a head injury.
The head injury about did me in, but I recovered in record time.
I suffered, but I only missed one day of work. ”
Yuless narrowed his eyes. “You didn’t have enough sick days to recover?”
I shrugged. “I milked those bastards for all they were worth, and that’s why I’m helping my boss tear their empire down around their ears.
I’m targeting their suppliers and vendors first. If my boss owns those, he can transition away to other customers and leave them flailing.
I can take their good fortunes and make them his—and that dragon is a lot of things, but he’s good at general destruction.
And he seems to have good business sense.
When I tell him to rethink something, he stops and does just that.
And while he doesn’t always follow my suggestions, he does, ultimately, find a better way to handle the situation.
If he keeps that up, he’ll conquer most of the world. ”
“Most?”
“I am the one mountain he will never be able to climb. I will not be conquered, not even by my partner.”
Yuless chuckled. “How about temporarily and in the bedroom?”
“That is the only permissible conquering of my person, but only if I get my fair share of turns being the conqueror.”
“That seems fair and reasonable. Evening conquering is permitted, but we must share who gets to conquer and who gets to be conquered.”
I nodded. “And on really bad days, gentle and peaceful needs to be the appropriate pacing.”
“There is a time and a place for such things, yes. Anything else?”
“I really like racing my horses, so I’ll have to insist you come with me and serve as my groom.”
“Easily done. All right. My list is quite similar. Work won’t be an issue often, but it will be an issue sometimes, I’m sure. We’re on the same page, although I refuse to eat pies from anyone on the street other than you or Isaac. I value my life.”
“You won’t eat your pies?”
“I’m the first to admit mine are horrific.
I just want to see if I can reinvent the pie from screwing around with the ingredient list. So far, no.
I’m about to cave and read some instructions, though, especially if reading the instructions wins me more dates.
I enjoy this sort of thing. It’s a nice escape from the world for a while. ”
“The private dining parlor is nice, and we’re definitely going to have to impose on the forces of the heavens and the hells to arrange for us to go to restaurants with private rooms for our dates. Peace and quiet with good company is rare, especially in my house.”
“I propose we have a date like this at least once a month, and we abuse Lucifer for transportation as required.”
My wallet would weep tears of blood being fancy once a month, but as the date proposal involved abusing the Devil, I would accept the cost with a smile.
“That sounds reasonable. Then we’re agreed.
We feast, and tomorrow, we begin the careful explorations of personal chemistry.
I don’t know about you, but my goal is to have as few leftovers as possible by the time we’re done here. ”
“We’re going to regret this,” he warned.
“But we will earn our regrets joyfully. Just focus on what’s important, Yuless. We get to abuse Lucifer for our personal gain.”
“That we do. Whomever eats the most gets to conquer the other first.”
“You’re on, pretty boy. You are so going to lose, and your chance to conquer me in bed will be a consolation prize for your defeat.”