Chapter 19 #2
He takes a deep breath. “You need to understand the stakes here. I told you that I will be king. You know that. You’re also well aware that Ledeia has to hide her relationship with that pitiful fisherman.
You clearly understand that, and understand why they do it.
With you, it’s the same. As much as I like you, we can’t be together out in the open, and I’m sure you’re quite smart to understand why, Mayara. ”
“You never told me that.”
He raises a shoulder. “Because it was obvious?”
“We were seen together a few times.”
“A few times doesn’t mean much. Now, I can’t let people think we’re serious. Can’t let anyone know how I truly feel about you. It would ruin everything I fought for. Sometimes we need to be patient.”
I look down. As much as what he’s saying makes sense, something feels wrong. “So you had to flirt with your former lover?”
“You need to understand that it’s a good distraction, a great way to take the attention off you. A way to protect you, Mayara. It’s good to create the impression that I’m bedding other women.”
“Is it just an impression?”
He rolls his eyes. “When would I even have the opportunity to sleep with anyone else? You’re with me every night. When exactly am I going to be doing that?”
“Last night I wasn’t with you.”
“Is that what you think of me? Truly? That I’d fuck someone else at the first opportunity I had?”
“Isn’t that the impression you want to create? Can you blame me for finding your performance convincing?”
“No. No. And it’s my fault. I’m sorry. I should have told you.” He approaches me and cups my face in his hands. “We can do this together. We can make a game of pretending, of fooling everyone.”
His face is so close, his words so soothing, that I don’t know if I want to punch him or kiss him.
“I don’t want it like that,” I finally say.
“Why? Ledeia and Marcus do it.”
“It’s not the same,” I mutter.
“How exactly is it different? Explain.”
My mind is confused and my ears are buzzing. “Maybe it’s not different, but I’m not Marcus.”
“Is it pride, Mayara? Is pride more important than your love? Than your heart? Than everything we have?”
“What do we have?”
He rests his forehead on mine. “I love you.”
I close my eyes, trying to find the lie in his words, trying to tell myself he’s fooling me, but then I feel his lips touching mine, the sheer force and emotion of his kiss melting away all the doubts in my head, erasing all the fears, dissolving all my anger.
His strong arms pull me closer, then he breaks the kiss and whispers, “Come to my room.”
His voice feels like fingers trailing down my neck, my body, reaching into my core, igniting a fire there—except that the fire turns into that stupid staff, burning again. The vision is so disorienting that all my desire fades at once.
“Wait,” I say.
“I’m the most patient man in the world, Mayara.” He kisses my ear, then licks my neck, raising goosebumps in his path, and I feel like I’m two different people in one single body.
One Mayara wants to go up to his room right away and feel the prince’s heat against hers. The other Mayara still wants to get away from Alayel, still thinks he’s lying, or at least deceiving her.
“What if your father wanted you to marry someone?” I ask, even if I want to close my eyes and let him kiss me, even if I want to forget all my caution. “Some noblewoman, let’s say?”
“It doesn’t matter who I marry; I’ll still love you. And we’ll be discreet.”
His words hit me like a crashing wave, awakening a memory: my mother, no wedding ring, tied to a man who showed up once in a while. How did she accept that situation? How did she come to that? Did she trust half-promises? Latch onto crumbles of love?
I understand her now, understand the temptation to grip onto what you have, grip it tight and savor the love you’re given, and yet I want to walk a different path.
There’s no more inner argument within me, and I push him away. “I can’t. I can’t, Alayel. I won’t be someone’s secret.”
He looks down, his face so sad that it looks fake. “You’re saying you don’t love me enough?”
“No. I’m saying I love myself enough. I don’t want pieces of love. I want everything.”
He shakes his head and lets out a sad chuckle. “I wish the world was different, but it isn’t. All I’m asking is for some patience. Just some patience. Don’t you want to be queen?”
“Queen? Or mistress? I’m not going to be the other woman.”
“I’m not going to get married. I might never get married!”
“But it could happen.”
“What if I promise it won’t happen, or if it does, it won’t last? I can poison her on the wedding night or something.”
“Slash her throat, perhaps?” I’m not sure why I mention that.
“Sure. Whatever you want. You command my heart, and there’s only you.” He takes my hand, and in the darkness of a single lumos jar, he looks so beautiful. “There will always be only you.”
“I can’t.” The words stab my own heart. “If we’re meant to be, then one day we’ll find each other again, when we no longer have to hide. There are more ways to be patient.”
“Why?” His eyes have a dangerous glint. “Are you that desperate to fuck other men? Is that it?”
At least his tone makes me certain of my choice. “Whoever I fuck, I don’t want it to be some secret, that’s all.”
“Sorry.” He drops his gaze again. “I’m… too irrational sometimes. You can’t… Mayara, you can’t make me give up everything I fought for. Do you want me to risk my throne? Is that what you want?”
“Quite the opposite. If a relationship with me is that problematic, the best thing for you is not to entertain it. It will strengthen your claim, Alayel.”
“But I want you.”
“Then we wait for the right time.”
He huffs. “That’s it then? The only issue is that I don’t want to make our love public? Is that your only problem with me?”
“And ignoring me.”
“I ignore you to hide our love. Let me get this straight. If I didn’t ignore you, and if I told the whole kingdom that I love you, would you be mine? Like before?”
“Ifs are pointless, Alayel. You’re going to tell me what? That I’m fickle? Proud? I don’t want to be a shameful secret you need to hide. I can be single forever. At least there’s dignity in it.”
He sneers. “So it’s pride, then. Your pride is more important than me.”
“My dignity.”
“Fine, then.” His eyes have a glint of fury. “Stick your dignity up your cunt. From now on, you’ll no longer have my protection. Let’s see how well you fare in the academy.”
A cold shiver runs up my spine, but I don’t want to show him my fear.
“Showing your true colors, Alayel? We had a deal.”
“Our deal is dead,” he spits. “You deceived me. You’re not the person I thought I loved.”
“Who? A brainless idiot you can manipulate at your whim? I’m most definitely not that person.”
“Oh, no. You’re not the woman I chose to be my queen. Most definitely not.”
With that, he storms up the stairs, while I stay here, waiting for my anger to subside, as I don’t want to see the baby dragons in this state.
What an asshole. What an idiot.
And still, despite everything, something inside me feels his absence like an open wound. Why am I so stupid?
You command my heart, and there’s only you.
His words echo in my head, then move down to my chest, cutting like a blunt knife, drawing out the pain.
I take a deep breath, trying to push away all thoughts of Alayel, or at least quiet down my anxious heart.
Eventually, I focus on Ava and Vos, on my brother, on my friends, and cling to a different kind of love. My heart quiets down enough that my breathing steadies, and I finally go to the room with the hatchlings.
Ava runs to me, and I pull her onto my lap, but I see no sign of Vos anywhere.
“Where’s your brother?” I ask.
Ava squeaks. Since I don’t sense any worry or fear coming from her, I figure Vos is fine.
“Vos? Where are you?”
I scan the room slowly, checking carefully behind rocks and potted plants. Ava twists in my arms, climbs to my shoulder, and stays perched there, her little claws pinching my skin.
She squeaks loudly when I check a corner.
“What is it?” I ask, and she makes a gurgling sound, like Vos usually does.
I blink. Vos is there, except that he’s the exact same color as the wall. He looks transparent, even. When I crouch to touch him, his color comes back to its normal gray.
Is it magic? Or just some camouflaging ability? It’s impressive either way.
“What an amazing trick, little one! You’re a very good hider.”
Ava squeaks twice, and I turn to her. “You agree, right?”
Vos climbs to my arms, while his sister caresses my face with her little horns.
I look up at the ceiling and feel the absence of stars, of clouds, of rain.
As much as Ava and Vos look fine, they can’t stay here much longer.
I’ll have to figure out what’s threatening them.
What is it that Katrine is waiting for? Who’s he?
I lie down on the straw, feeling oddly tired. As always, the little dragons snuggle beside me, and I keep wondering what to do with them.
Alayel comes to mind, with his loving words and promises and his explanation as to why we need to keep our relationship secret. I can see his point, but it feels wrong.
As I drift into sleep, the staff comes to mind, shining bright, calling me.
Commander Mallor hasn’t called me yet, and I hope he has forgotten about me. Still, I can’t help but tremble whenever I wonder what he’ll decide to do with me.
This time, Alayel won’t barge into his room. I’ll be at the commander’s mercy. Foros help me.
It’s been almost two days since the bastard prince and I parted ways, and I’m glad I haven’t seen him since. It might be for the best, and help my heart heal faster—not that it has completely healed. Part of me still misses him. Stupid heart.
So far, Alayel hasn’t retaliated against me, and nothing has changed in my position in the academy. True that in the end it will depend on Commander Mallor, and if I keep trying to guess what the man will do, I might die from anxiety.