Chapter 17 Talk #2
I held him at arm’s length by his shoulders and looked at him. He stared at his feet.
“I’m so sorry, Davidson,” he whispered.
“Leo, can you look at me?”
When he did, his eyes brimmed with tears.
“Is it what you want? To wait?”
Silent, he shrugged, his gaze wandering around. His chin trembled.
“Leo. Never lie to me. Ever. Do you want to wait?”
He sniffled. “No.” The word came out as a sob.
I pulled him back into my embrace, and he clutched my neck, hiding his face in my chest.
“It’s insane how fucking empty I feel. All of me hurts with how much I want your baby.”
His admission made me equally elated and bone-deep sad.
“I want the same, love. I ache to get you pregnant.”
He snuffled loudly and shook his head. Wetness seeped into my T-shirt.
“Why are you crying, Leo?”
“Because I’m useless. I can’t be a father, Davidson. I’m a horrible person.”
This was what he feared? That he’d fail as a parent?
“What did Dr. Clearbridge say?”
Leo wiped his nose and cleared his throat.
“I told him how much I was…affected by the idea physically. Because it’s true.
It arouses me so much to imagine that you’ll get me pregnant.
I can barely think of anything else. That damned book Lawrence brought only made it worse.
And Clearbridge said it was normal because of my age, the heat, and the bonding.
My body is ready, and every cell in my being wants it, like yesterday.
But he told me to imagine the child, a real person, dependent on me, about to enter my life.
So I could consider different angles and make the right decision. I’ve been thinking about that a lot.”
“And how do you feel when you imagine him?”
“Excited. Happy.” He gave out a half laugh, half sob. “But I’m terrified because I’ll fuck up. I have no idea how to raise a kid. I can barely take care of myself.”
“Good thing you’re not alone, then.”
He lifted his tear-stained face. “I’m serious, Davidson.
You don’t know me. You have no idea what I am really like inside.
You think you do because the dragon likes the scent of me and because we’re great at fucking, but you don’t know me.
I’m trying to toe the line, trying to be a good mate, because I honestly want to.
I want to be a better person for you. But up here”—he tapped his head, scowling with furious intensity—“I’m screwed up. A real piece of work, like you said.”
“You’re not—”
“You don’t get it!” His loud exclamation startled me.
He pushed me away, throwing his arms in the air.
“I’m a selfish whore, a spoiled party brat, Davidson.
I have no skills, no education, no morals, and no interest in anything but myself.
I’m terrible at relationships, can’t keep a friend because everyone always ends up hating me.
I’m self-destructive and reckless, and if it weren’t for this face, nobody would ever give a fuck about whether I was dead or alive.
And deservedly! Never in my life have I done anything worth shit.
I’m just a good-looking clothes hanger and a hot piece of ass with a hole in the middle. That’s it. That’s my personal value.”
He was shaking, red in his face, and his shrill voice still echoed through the house.
I was furious. Was this what he truly believed about himself?
Because I refused to accept that. I did know him.
It was all in his face—the crippling insecurity he was always trying to hide, his desire to be loved and treasured, the deep well of tenderness that was his fragile heart.
Leo needed love like my plants needed water, but he feared that he was unlovable.
And that made me so angry because I did love him.
I would forever love him, he better realize it soon, and it better be enough, or I’d have to fucking spank the senseless doubts out of him.
“Are you done?”
At the tone of my voice, he wilted. His eyes widened with fear.
“I’m sorry,” he rasped. Two fresh streaks of tears ran down his cheeks. “Sorry.”
His legs simply folded under him like he was made of paper, and he ended up on his knees, bent over. He hid his face in his hands.
“Please, forgive me. Please, Davidson, forgive me. I’ll do whatever you want. Forgive me.”
His frantic whispers cut into me way deeper than his yelling. His breathing got choppy, and he began gasping for air. Panic attack? No. But he was crying again.
What was I supposed to do now?
Pure instinct spurred me on when I scooped him up into my arms and carried him to the pool.
I knelt with him on the edge and pulled his hoodie off, then his sweats, before undressing myself.
He shook so hard his teeth rattled. When we were both naked, I lifted him again, and he clung to me like a monkey, arms around my neck and legs around my waist.
“Forgive me,” he stammered out again.
“Hush.”
I walked down the steps and immersed us in the cool water. Leo leaned away, staring at me with wide eyes.
“We’re going swimming,” I said.
He blinked, mouth open. I tucked his head into the crook of my neck.
“Hold on.”
Treading water, I massaged his body. After a while, he loosened his hold and breathed normally.
“Six laps, c’mon.”
Looking stunned but not crying anymore, he nodded.
I kept my tempo slow, staying by his side as he dutifully swam back and forth with me.
“Good boy. Now get out.”
He hopped onto the edge and waited while I climbed out next to him. The lighting made his body look doused in glitter when he was wet.
“Swimming always calms me down,” I said in a low voice as I wrapped him up in a bathrobe.
I took his hand and pulled him up. “Now we go for a walk.”
When I started walking, he followed wordlessly. Through the atrium and up the stairs and into the hallway.
I opened the door to the guest room directly opposite our bedroom. I never used it because if someone slept over, I didn’t want them so close. The room had one bed, the plain mattress covered with a gray blanket.
“We’ll have it redone. I’m guessing some colors would be great, but I’m shit at that, so you’d have to help me. We have time because the baby will sleep with us at first, right?”
Leo didn’t say anything, staring into the half-empty room. I tugged him inside and pointed out of the window.
“See that walnut tree over there? I always thought it would be perfect for a swing.”
He looked where I pointed and nodded, his face blank.
Then I showed him the other two adjoining rooms.
“I never use the upstairs study, and we only need one guestroom, so that gives us three separate bedrooms for our children. Only one of them has an ensuite, though.”
I opened the door and dragged Leo into the unused bathroom.
“It could be for the oldest, but I figure that would get unfair with time.”
Leo looked around, then glanced at me. “Can we build in another door here?” he asked quietly.
I grinned. Thank heavens, he was talking to me. “We can do that. Absolutely. That way it’d be accessible from the hallway, and the kids could share.”
After inspecting all the bedrooms upstairs, we walked back downstairs and out into the garden through the glass doors. Leo’s bare feet slapped on the wooden patio.
“When I was little, we had a tree house with a slide in the garden. I loved to hide there from my brothers.” I pointed at a low sprawling oak about thirty feet away from the small patio. “There. That would be perfect.”
“You have brothers?”
“Yes. Both younger than me.”
“Where are they?”
“My family lives in Canada. My omega father is a helicopter pilot, and my alpha father used to be a lumberjack. He’s retired now.”
Leo’s lips quirked. “A proper Canadian lumberjack?”
“Yes. Except a dragon shifter one.”
“Wow.”
“You’ll meet them one day. I should call and tell them about you. They’ll be overjoyed. They gave up on me ever finding anyone years ago.”
Searching my face, Leo took a few deep breaths. “I’d love to meet them,” he said politely, his tone almost steady.
I cast my arm around his shoulders and walked him back into the house. By the door, he paused, staring at the pool.
“We need to put up a barrier around it,” he said. “It’ll look awful, but maybe low plexiglass would be the least disturbing in the space?”
“You’re right. I hadn’t even thought of that.”
Making the house toddler-proof would be a challenge. I hadn’t been in a good place when I’d had it rebuilt. I’d thought I’d be alone forever.
By the bar, I poured Leo a whiskey and sat down with him on the sofa. He took a large gulp of his drink.
“I’m sorry, Davidson,” he said again, but I ignored his apology. He hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Enjoy your drink, darling. You won’t be able to drink alcohol at all after Friday.”
He lifted his gaze to me, his cheeks pink, eyes glassy and red from recent tears.
“Do you forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
“I yelled at you.”
“You yelled. Not at me. We both have issues we need to work through. I’ve been alone for so long I’m bound to do something stupid on a regular basis. I get angry and unreasonable. We both have doubts and fears.”
“But I…” He swallowed another mouthful of whiskey. “I meant it, Davidson. I’m not a good person. I shouldn’t be a father.”
I glared at him. “Finish your drink.”
He scoffed, his lips curving into a crooked smile, but he obeyed. He downed the rest of the whiskey and put the empty glass on the table.
“Good boy. Now come sit in my lap.”
He settled sideways in my arms how I liked it, holding on to my neck.
I could do this. Talk. Use words. “I’m not an expert at these things, far from it. But something tells me that a truly selfish man wouldn’t worry about his parenting skills and would just do what he’d want to do.”
Leo scoffed, half-smiling. “Nice try.”
“Don’t be rude, omega.”
He glanced up timidly. “I’m sorry.”
“How about we go to a parenting course together?”
His lips twitched again. “I can’t see you doing something like that.”
“Then you’d better prepare because I’m doing it.”