Chapter 14
Jatavia
The mall felt like Christmas exploded inside of it.
Lights wrapped around every railing I passed when I got here.
There were giant ornaments hanging from the ceiling, red and silver spheres spun slowly above my head.
Fake snow dusted the tops of storefront displays, and every store blasted a different holiday song.
Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas’ dominated most places that I window shopped in.
Normally, I didn’t do big crowds, but I felt the need to do something with my free time today since I had it.
I still had to adapt to not clocking in at the call center which felt good as hell for the time being.
I sat at a small round table in the food court.
A hot pretzel sat untouched in front of me, along with a cup of lemonade that had my phone propped up against it as I talked to my cousin Tammy.
The smell of cinnamon, fried food, and baked cookies made me indecisive of what else I wanted to eat beside the pretzel I purchased.
“So this your third day in Cali and you really sitting there glowing.” Tammy’s voice cut through my scattered thoughts.
I smiled at her; my eyes landed on a little girl with pretty pigtails.
She tugged her mom towards a toy store. The look on her momma’s face made me smile.
Judging by all the bags she held, her mom was ready to go.
One day, I wanted that overwhelming feeling of being a mother.
Shopping with my kids ready to go home and rest. First, I needed to get myself together mentally for that.
It looked good to a person like me looking in from the outside.
“I actually feel good,” I admitted. “I needed the change of scenery for a couple of days.” I focused back on Tammy.
“Look at God!” She clapped her hands. “Seasonal depression my ass!” she smiled into the camera before focusing back on curling her hair.
“Don’t jinx it.” I laughed lightly.
“Girl please, it looks like you and Big D ran through red lights. I guess a period ain’t stop shit.” She winked.
I leaned back in my chair; my eyes drifted upward toward a giant Christmas tree planted right in the center of the mall. It towered three stories tall, decorated with ribbons and lights.
“Unn unn, don’t try to act like you daydreaming so I don’t see you blushing. Y’all nasty as hell.” She giggled.
“It was in the shower Tammy. We haven’t done anything else; I went to see my parents yesterday.
I didn’t get back to Dreu’s house until midnight.
We ate brunch together before he left me with some money and told me to go shopping for some of the things I wanted while I was out here. ” I spoke above the noise.
“How much he give you?” She raised a brow.
“Ten thousand cash and his card.” I blushed hard looking away.
I started to tell Dreu that the ten thousand along with his card was too much.
I did the smart thing and bit my tongue thinking it in my head instead of saying it.
Dreu was not going to see it that way. His goal was to spoil me, and if I planned on being back in his life whether or not we were together or friends.
I had to accept the kind of man Dreu was.
He was a real man. Not the kind to know a woman was struggling and not help like Devin’s weird ass.
“Bittttchhhhhh! I know that’s the fuck right!” Tammy dropped her flat iron and started to dance.
“Doesn’t it feel like Christmas!” She sang.
I put my elbows on the table and laughed.
“This feels crazy, Tam.” I sighed.
“I know it do because you stubborn as hell.” She picked up her flat irons and started to curl her hair again.
“The way y’all left off and picked right back up is smooth to me.
Him coming all the way to Vegas to bring you back to Cali after you told him to prove to you, he missed you says a lot. ” She added.
I nodded my head in agreement instead of speaking.
Tammy knew me well; I was stubborn and didn’t believe in second chances with men that did women wrong.
With Dreu it was deeper than that. Beyond our intimacy, we were good friends.
We vibed so well together and understood each other without it feeling forced.
He saw the raw me, good, bad, and ugly. Back when we first met, it took time for me to get comfortable and confident having him even in the same space.
“How do you really feel, Tav? Besides you glowing, I can tell there’s something else bothering you.”
“Dreu is going through something.” I blurted the words out.
It had been nagging me since we departed from each other after brunch.
“What is it?” she frowned.
“His parents are divorcing; the dynamics of his tightly knitted family has changed.” I placed my hand on the side of my head. “Last night I could tell he was down about it. He expressed himself, even shed a couple of tears. I did my best to console him but—”
“It’s awkward for you.” Tammy cut me off already knowing where my conversation was headed.
“God yes,” I exhaled relieved that she understood. “I don’t want to smother him, but it was hard after brunch. I wanted to go wherever he went just to make sure he was good.” I confessed sadly.
“A closed mouth don’t get fed, Jatavia. He would have loved for you to tag along with him.” She shook her head with her perfectly arched brows bunched tight.
“Yeah, maybe…He gave me money soon as we were done eating and told me to go shopping. I took that as him wanting some space.” I retorted.
“Y’all probably both thinking the same shit.” Tammy’s big breasts hit the countertop first, followed by her elbows. “From what all you expressed to me, you comfortable with him like he is you. It ain’t like he asking you to be there and heal him.” She shrugged.
I sat silent with my hands folded so tightly.
Although this situation with Dreu and his parents might not have been something big to others.
I imagined it was something big for him.
The only problem was, I didn’t know how to comfort people when they were breaking.
I didn’t know how to do it for my parents when I saw them shattered over the loss of my big brother.
I always tended to freeze my own emotions when they got heavy.
With Dreu, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and possibly make him feel worse.
I couldn’t imagine my own parents divorcing, it would crush me.
After seeing your parents together all of your life, then divorcing was like something sacred cracking and falling apart.
Just because it wasn’t you didn’t mean that it didn’t have the ability to hurt and affect you.
“You overthinking it.” She cut into my thoughts.
“You being there with him means more than anything. You don’t always got to have the answers when he’s venting about it. It’s simply just you being there, Tavia.”
“I’m going to be there for him…Dreu is very in tuned with his emotions.” I smiled.
“He’s not overly emotional but I always loved how he’s never been ashamed to say exactly how he’s feeling and even shed a tear or two while expressing himself.”
“Oh, we love a big baby thug.” Tammy giggled.
“When you meet him, Tammy please don’t say that.” I laughed lightly, but was very serious.
We got quiet for a couple of seconds then I decided to tell her what I took the initiative to do today before I came to the mall.
“What girl? Why you looking at me like that?” Tammy looked at me suspiciously.
“Before I came here.” I said slowly, “I listened to him.” I murmured looking around the space that I was in. Tammy looked at me in shock. I inwardly laughed at her facial expression because we both knew that I was hardheaded and didn’t listen to half of the advice that was given to me.
“Listened how?” Her eyebrows lifted instantly.
“I had a consultation with a therapist.”
Soon as the word therapist left my mouth, Tammy’s reaction was immediate. Her eyes grew as wide as her smile.
“Wait what? You’re serious?”
I nodded my head then finally picked up my pretzel and took a small bite.
“My sessions start soon.” I covered my mouth as I savored the taste of the pretzel.
“I feel like I only need therapy sessions when I’m going through depression though.
Seems like it hits around the holidays… my thoughts get the best of me, and I start to think about Travis. ” I grumbled the words out.
“So how did it go? I tell you every year that you need to talk to somebody, and you always say you don’t need to! Big D steps on the scene and boom!” She clapped her hands dramatically.
“I sat in the car and did it over the phone…To be real, I didn’t feel like I was being judged when I talked to her.
She sounded like an older black lady in her late fifties.
She wasn’t pushy with her questions, she just sort of…
” My words trailed as I thought of the proper words to describe how Ms. Johnson made me feel while talking to her.
“It felt like she gave me the permission to talk without performing… Dreu told me I deserved support and to stop trying to navigate my dark days without at least expressing myself to somebody that could support me the correct way. I told her when my seasonal depression started…with Travis being murdered then me not being able to place my moods…I don’t know Tammy, it just felt good talking to a stranger. Her voice was even comforting.”
Tammy’s face swelled with pride.
“I love that for you.” She said softly.
“Me too, plus it felt even better for me to take the initiative…Not because Dreu suggested it but because my ass is tired of waiting for things to fall the hell apart before I take care of myself. How can I show up for the people I love… like you, if I don’t learn how to sit with my own feelings first. At the end of my consultation with her, it felt like I was choosing growth instead of hiding.
” I sniffed back my emotions and offered Tammy a weak smile.
“Wheewww chiiillleeee!” Tammy fixed her posture and fanned her eyes.
“Now you about to make me cry! Girl, stay out there as long as you need to. Shit, you might not come back then I’ll have to relocate myself.” She smiled.
“Let’s not jump the gun, I’m out here for the time being. I made a new Instagram account for Atmosphere’s By Tavia…” My words trailed off as a bright idea hit me.
A huge smile stretched my face as I grew super giddy inside.
“Oh, my goodness Tavia! I have the perfect idea to cheer Dreu up!”