Chapter 13 #2
My momma sat at its base, legs tucked beneath her, back slumped forward like the weight of life had finally bent her spine.
Her silver and gray hair that was always dyed black and styled to perfection was wild and loose blowing from the night breeze.
She had on a black silk night gown, no slippers on.
I opened the door and froze seeing my dad’s expensive cognac bottle in her hand.
The bottle was one of his prized possessions that he kept locked away.
He always brought it out on special occasions just to marvel at it and take one or two shots then store it back in its rightful place.
The fact that my momma had an entire bottle of liquor in her hand instead of a champagne flute stomped the hell out of me.
She eyed Bleu first then me and chuckled bitterly. Like a pro, she tipped the bottle back and took a long pull like she hated it then threw the bottle down hard against the stone. I flinched when it shattered around her.
“Ma—” my voice cracked immediately. “What’s wrong?” I asked her carefully.
She laughed hard and bitterly until her laugh turned hollow. The sight before me broke my fucking heart. I wanted to find whoever made her get to this point and break their face. Seeing my mom broken was something I have never witnessed.
“What’s wrong?” She snapped; her head cocked to the side like she was possessed.
“What’s wrong is I gave my fucking life away!” She yelled.
I dropped down in front of her without thinking. I winced at the glass cutting into my knee.
“You gotta talk to me so that I can help you. I never seen you like this before.” I looked away to find Bleu standing off to the side of the fountain with his hands in his pockets.
The sad look in his eyes made my stomach drop all over again. I hardly ever saw Bleu in the state that he was in.
“Talk to me momma.” I begged.
She waved her hand drunkenly like she was brushing me off.
“I sacrificed everything for you boys. EVERYTHING!” Her voice rose.
“WE AIN’T ASK TO FUCKING BE HERE!” Bleu shouted.
“You can tell him your problem, but you won’t blame us for it.” He spat.
I solemnly nodded my head because Bleu was right. We didn’t ask to be here and whatever this was, had nothing to do with our existence.
“Oh, shut the fuck up Bleu Langston!” She slurred.
I grabbed her hand and held it tight as her body swayed from side to side.
“Dreu, we had vows!” Her voice cracked and tears streamed down her pretty brown face.
“I married a man I didn’t love,” She hiccupped as snot fell from her nose.
“A man I didn’t even like half the time.
But I did it cause it made sense, it protected our family’s legacy.
We didn’t have love vows. It was arrangement vows.
Twisted ones. But vows all the same.” She laughed again, then suddenly slammed her fist against the stone.
“And he broke it.” She spat out bitterly.
“He fucking broke it all!” She hiccupped then burped.
“Lord, I never wanted none of this! Not you! Not Bleu! And surely not him! I wanted to take over the fashion industry! It was my creativity that brought us this far. I wanted to live my life, traveling and fucking whoever I saw fit! I listened to my father, because I was something that you two mother fuckers could never be!! OBEDIENT!” She was so angry a vein popped out of her forehead.
Her words crushed me, my heart fell to the pits of my stomach.
I really looked at her and for the first time I saw somebody other than my loving mom.
Tears streaked down her face cutting through the makeup she never left the house without.
Her thin lips trembled; red lipstick smeared at the corners like she been chewing on her pain.
This was years of pent-up agony, regret, and hurt for the decisions she made along the way.
“That nigga,” she spat nastily, “got a fucking baby on the way, can you believe it? I thought when he hit sixty, his dick would stop getting hard.” She laughed dry and bitterly.
My world stopped. I stared at her long and hard, trying to register the words she just spoke.
“A baby with some woman who think she won. Bitch thinks she got something special.” She shut her eyes tightly.
My throat closed, something inside of me shattered.
I didn’t care about all the negative words that left her mouth.
I could feel Bleu’s stare and refused to meet his gaze.
I leaned forward and pressed my forehead into her knee.
I gripped her dress like I was that six-year-old boy that didn’t want her to leave me.
“Ma,” I whispered. “You can’t drown yourself like this, not for him.”
She sobbed and laid her head on top of mine.
“He wants a divorce Dreu. After our vows, after everything we both agreed to, he doesn’t want me.” She cried so hard, her entire body shook violently.
“I gave him my youth, my body, he begged for kids, I gave him y’all!” She sat up and pushed me.
My body didn’t budge; I just held on to her tighter.
“In the end, I wasn’t supposed to end like this.” She dropped her head in defeat. “Alone. Embarrassed. Replaced.” She whispered the words brokenly.
Tears burned my eyes.
“You’re not alone. Me and Bleu, we here for you.” I pulled her to me and held her as tight as I could as her sobs shook through me.
I shifted my grip carefully, one arm sliding behind her back, the other under knees.
“Let me get you from this glass, I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” I said carefully.
“He wants to split everything down the middle. I’m okay with that, I don’t feel okay…the world is going to be mourning us…” Her words trailed off.
I knew my mom well and knew what hurt her the most was her image that she worked hard to maintain. To the world, the Langston’s were black love, and goals. People looked up to them and praised them for being together for decades.
I stood slow ignoring the small glass pieces that were embedded in my knee.
She was light in my arms as I stepped around pieces of glass and walked towards the steps to their grand porch.
She rested her head briefly against my shoulder.
The scent of her perfume mixed with alcohol bothered me.
She straightened after a couple of seconds as I released her.
“I’m going to be fine Dreu.” She drunkenly stated.
“You don’t look fine, Ma.” I told her reluctantly.
Her tired eyes rolled as she shook her head softly.
Baby,” She uttered, cupping my cheek with a trembling hand. “You don’t have to worry about me. I have no choice but to move on with my life. I’m human Dreu. I needed time to sulk in my own misery.” She burped loudly.
She sniffed the air and frowned. Waving her hand to rid herself of the smell that escaped her mouth she sighed.
“How you expect me not to worry momma?” My lips twisted.
“Because this part of my life is mine. I don’t have to raise you two anymore. Theres no board meetings for me to attend. I’m rich, a fashion icon and I can do whatever I want.” She smiled sadly.
She stepped back, creating space between us. I hated how final the space she created between us felt.
“I want to be alone for a while. I need quietness, distance so I can remember who I was before I became somebody’s wife and somebody’s shield.” She whispered the words painfully.
“You don’t gotta do this by yourself.” I shook my head.
“Yes, I do,” she said gently but firm. “I’m going to London, first.” She inhaled the night air then lifted her chin.
“London?” I asked stunned.
“Then Greece. Somewhere by the water, and somewhere nobody knows me as his wife or your mother.”
I stared at her like I was looking at a stranger.
“I refuse to live out the rest of my life miserable… If he wants a divorce, he’s got it.
I signed the fucking papers. He will never get a chance to see me again unless its at one of our funerals, God forbid.
I left the papers in the kitchen. My bags are packed, Dreu.
I won’t rot in bitterness. I won’t sit in a house full of memories and pretend I’m okay.
I gave enough and sacrificed enough. I love you boys and won’t impose on your life any more than what I have already done.
” She sadly looked over at Bleu and held her hand out towards him.
Tears filled my eyes again, but this time it wasn’t just from pain.
I respected what she said, what she wanted.
I also understood she meant no harm by mentioning the things she never wanted like Bleu and I but had us to please our father.
She was only human, it didn’t matter if she was drunk speaking her real mind, I somehow understood.
Bleu stepped up on the step and slowly held his arms out for both of us. I held my arms out and we embraced each other.
“I deserve happiness even if I have to cross oceans to find it.” Her voice cracked.
“I understand mother.” Bleu spoke first.
He patted my back firmly as I swallowed down the painful lump in my throat.
“I’ll still come visit my grandbabies.” She told Bleu lowly.
“I know you will, and we can come see you sometimes too.” He reassured her.
“Dreu, find you a good woman and slow down a little bit. I’m proud of you both.” She pulled away slowly.
“Bleu we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I’m so proud of the man you’ve become.” Her hand stroked the side of his face lovingly.
She got on her tippy toes as Bleu leaned down for her to plant a firm kiss on his cheek. She turned to me and my world stopped.
“I never stopped believing in you, Dreu. You a superstar, big celebrity…I’m happy you found your passion and therapy in music. No matter how far I go in this world, I’m still in here.” She touched my chest and smiled weakly.
I nodded my head slowly trying to accept everything because I had no choice. This was her life, and she had to decide how to live it.
“I found a woman, when I get ready to marry her you better be here.” I offered her a small smile.
“What???” She burped again causing me and Bleu to step back as she waved her burp air away.
“Maybe I need to stay another month to meet her?” She said it like a question with her thin brows raised high.
I quickly shook my head no.
“Nah, gone and fire up the jet and do your soul searching. I don’t want to beef with you about disrespecting my Pancakes.” I chuckled dryly.
“Pancakes?” She dramatically clutched her chest.
“I agree with Dreu, you love saying disrespectful things like when is Truly going to take her health serious and lose weight.” Bleu’s jaw clenched.
My mom’s eyes popped out as she wildly looked between Bleu and I.
“So both of you got a thing for obese women?” She asked casually.
“Yeap, my girl big on top, small at the bottom and I love every inch of her.” I stated proudly.
“Oh my Lord.” She shook her head and continued to look at both of us like we were crazy.
“Well, if y’all like it, I better learn how to love it. I’m going to go ahead and leave tomorrow morning.” She said the last part quietly.
“Why don’t you take Ms. Earline with you.” I said quickly.
“Ms. Earline got some young dick. She said she’ll come see me in the summertime.” She waved her hand dismissively.
“I thought she was still dating the pastor?” Bleu asked.
“Chiiiilleeee he’s a rump ranger.” She giggled.
It felt good to see her smile through her heart ache.
“A rump ranger?” I asked confused.
“She caught him fucking a traveling pastor. The man is gay Dreu. Earline shut the whole church down when she found out. She stirred up so much shit that the pastor skipped town with his lover. Nobody knows where he went.” She shrugged.
I knew my mom was drunk by how she conveniently spilled messy news like it was nothing. Her posture was off, words slurred, and all of her manners were currently nonexistent.
“Damn,” was all I could say.
“Damn is right, but Earline bounced back like I’m going to do.” She smirked sinisterly.
“I heard that…gone and turn into Stella so you can get your groove back ma.” I smiled.
“I will, son…” her words trailed off.
“Both of you do me a favor.” She got serious.
She ran her hands over her wild strands of hair then looked between Bleu and me.
“Don’t give your father a hard time. I know you boys aren’t dumb…
. you both knew that your father and I arrangement was umm…
different. We got sloppy and stopped hiding our open marriage affairs.
I just never thought that he would go this far and get someone pregnant…
I also didn’t think we would ever end the way that we did.
Hell, I never saw an ending for us.” She swallowed down hard then briefly looked to the sky for answers.
“It’s gone take a lot of adjusting, its not all of his fault either…
I just loved him a little more than he did me. ” She said sadly.
“I’m sure he has his reasons, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still your father and you two should still respect him.”
I nodded my head. Bleu murmured his agreement.
I wanted to find my dad and fuck him up.
But my mom was right. They both lived weird for years now.
Bleu and I was used to the weird shit. There were two sides to every story.
I was pretty sure my father had his own personal reasons that he would surely keep to himself.
Bleu and I were both grown now. I’d be lying if I told myself I was a hundred percent okay with this shit.
Being forced to accept a change that you didn’t see coming was hard as fuck.
Especially being used to always seeing my pops love on my momma know matter what Bleu and I saw with their open marriage.
When I watched my dad look at my mom, I always saw love and admiration.
I guess I had been wrong. Maybe I had gotten so caught up in my own life and music that I overlooked the signs of them drifting apart like this.
It fucked me up, but like she said, we were both grown.
This wasn’t Bleu and my dilemma to face nor answer to.
If this happened while we were still kids, it was no telling how fucked up it would’ve had us.
I couldn’t stand here and deny my own feelings about it.
We weren’t the perfect family, like all families we had our shit that came with us.
Through all the bullshit we were tight. We got through problems together no matter how insane it was.
My mom was the solid foundation that kept shit running smooth no matter how controlling and overwhelming she could be at times.
She was the one who put money into my studio, believed that I could be something.
She desperately wanted me to find my drive and be happy and content with my life… .
I wanted the same for her now. So if divorcing my dad for the bullshit and hurt he caused her was the move, I had no other choice but to accept and support her.
Sunday dinners and family meetings were never going to be the same. This was a new adjustment that I had no choice but to accept.