Chapter 27
DRIFTER
“Hey, it’s me.” My voice sounded so low and hollow that I don’t even recognize it. “I’m sorry it took me so long to come around. I didn’t plan on being gone so long.”
I looked around and sighed. It looked smaller than I remembered, or maybe it was just me. The grass was damp from the rain that had finally subsided, but the clouds were still looming above, dark and heavy.
“I just had to get away for a while… Being here was suffocating me. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of you, of him, and how I let you down…. How I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. I just couldn’t take it.”
The truth was, I hadn’t just been gone for a while. I’d run.
I had run from the house, the memories, the broken promises, but most of all, I’d run from myself and the guilt I carried for not being there.
“I know that sounds awful. I’m sure you think I just abandoned you two, but it wasn’t like that…
I didn’t know how to stay. I didn’t know how to breathe here anymore. ”
I stared down at their names and the flowers that didn’t look to be more than a few days old. I wasn’t sure who’d put them there. Maybe it was her folks or one of the brothers. It didn’t matter.
They were there, and I knew Em would love them.
I, on the other hand, wasn’t a fan.
They reminded me of their funeral, which led me to say, “We all three died that day on the bank. But you two were the only ones who stopped breathing. I wanted it to be me. I’m so sorry it wasn’t. I failed you, and I failed him, and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.”
I glanced around, making sure no one was around to hear. But it was just me and fucking birds chirping overhead. “I’m tired, Em. I’m so damn tired.”
It had been years since I lost them. Years of feeling guilty and unworthy. Years of whiskey and bad decisions and roads that didn’t lead anywhere. And always waking up angry and bitter that I hadn’t died right along with them.
But it didn’t change anything.
It didn’t bring them back.
It wasn’t fair. Not to Emily. Not to Jameson. Not to me. Not to anybody.
I crouched down and rested my palm on the headstone, using it to brace myself as I told her, “I kept thinking if I hurt enough… if I carried enough guilt, that maybe it would prove something… that I’d loved you enough, but all it did was keep me stuck back on that bank with both of you in my arms.”
Saying it out loud made it feel real, like I could finally stop lying to myself. The wind picked up, and the clouds shifted overhead. And for the first time in years, I let myself say the thing that had been clawing at me for weeks.
“I met someone, Em. I didn’t go looking for her… Didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did all the same.” I ran my hand down my face. “She’s really something. A librarian of all things. She has two boys and a smile that’s impossible to ignore. She isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit.”
I let out a deep breath and rose to my feet. “You’d like her.”
I thought back to that moment on the porch and the uncertainty in her eyes when she told me to be sure. She wasn’t sure I had it in me to try. I wasn’t so sure myself. But I’d spent the past three days driving all over hell’s half acre, and I’d done a lot of thinking.
And that thinking had led me here.
A place I hadn’t been to in years, but this was something I needed to do. I needed to do it for a long time. My voice was strained as I whispered, “I can’t keep doing this… I’ve punished myself long enough.”
The words barely made it out because admitting it felt like I was betraying her and freedom all at once.
I glanced back down at their headstones and sighed, “I’m tired of being alone, Em.
I wish to hell things hadn’t happened the way they did.
You gotta know that. You gotta know that I’ll never stop missing you, or him.
You’ll forever be a part of me, and she knows that and she’s okay with it. ””
The thought brought a slight smile to my face because I knew what a statement like that would mean to Emily.
“Yeah, I know. I told you you’d like her.
She’s a good one, Em. And if she’ll still have me, I’m gonna take a chance.
I really hope you’re good with that. I really do.
I love you, Em. Love him, too. Always have and always will. ”
I was still standing at the grave when I heard the low rumble of a motorcycle drawing closer. I’d know that sound anywhere. It was one I’d heard for years, and there weren’t enough miles on the planet to make me forget it. I shook my head and muttered, “Christ.”
There was only one man who rode like he had nothing to prove and nowhere to be, so it was no surprise when I turned and found Stone staring back at me.
He was eased back on his Harley with his boots planted wide and his hands resting on his thighs.
His cut stretched over his thick shoulders, and his hair had gone grayer since the last time I’d seen him, but somehow he still looked exactly the same.
I started over to him, and I couldn’t miss the look of concern on his face. I played it off and scoffed, “Damn. News travels fast… Been in town for less than an hour, and you show up.”
His expression didn’t change. “It’s my job to know where my boys are.”
“You still think of me as one of your boys?”
“Absolutely,” he answered, looking at me like I’d lost my mind for asking such an absurd question. “Always will.”
Stone had always been straight to the point, but his lack of hesitation was surprising. Because somewhere along the way, I’d stopped believing I belonged anywhere, the club included. I glanced down as I replied, “Appreciate that.”
Stone just nodded, like there was no need to say more.
With him, there usually wasn’t.
He gave me a quick once-over. “Looks like you’re holding up alright.”
“I’m still standing… Guess that counts for something.”
“It counts for a lot.” His gaze shifted over my shoulder toward the headstones as he asked, “You good?”
“Yeah.” The wind stirred again, sending leaves rustling somewhere overhead. “I just needed to have a few words with her.”
“Been a long time coming.”
“Yeah, I guess it has.” I motioned my head over to the flowers. “You have something to do with those?”
“Figured you’d want them to have ‘em, especially for Mother’s Day and all.”
Damn. It had been five years, and the man was still looking out for me like he had from the beginning. “Didn’t have to do that.”
“I know.”
Silence settled between us, and I found myself looking back over at their headstones, at the flowers I should’ve been bringing.
Guilt tried clawing its way back in, only this time, it didn’t settle quite so hard, because somebody had been there, making sure they’d been taken care of even when I was too broken to do it myself.
Stone shifted on his bike. “You hungry?”
“There it is.”
I let out a soft chuckle, and Stone looked amused. “What?”
“You avoid emotional shit with food.”
“Works, don’t it?”
“Yeah, brother. I guess it does.”
“So, we eating or what?”
“Yeah, we’re eating.”
I followed him to a small diner around the corner from the cemetery. It wasn’t much. Just a little dive with checkered tablecloths and a jukebox in the corner, but they had a cheeseburger that couldn’t be beat.
Emily used to love it here. We’d come whenever neither of us felt like cooking. She’d always steal half my fries and somehow convince me I was getting the better end of the deal. I almost suggested going somewhere else, but I was done avoiding ghosts.
I parked next to Stone, and neither of us said much as we headed inside.
And just like all those years ago, the place smelled like grease, coffee, and burnt toast. We claimed the only open table, and as soon as we sat down, an older waitress walked over.
She gave Stone one look and shook her head.
“Good to see you’re still alive and kicking. ”
“Doing what I can.”
“Same.”
She offered us both menus, but neither of us needed them. “We’ll have two cheeseburgers with the works and fries and a couple of sodas.”
“You got it.”
As soon as she turned and headed for the kitchen, Stone leaned back in his seat and asked, “So, what about the Little Rocks boys?”
Just like always, he cut to the chase. I gave him the respect to do the same. “They’ve been good to me. Damn good.”
That was an understatement. Preacher had given me purpose when I felt like I had none left. He trusted me to step up and gave me the room to earn it. They all had. Stone didn’t seem the least bit surprised when he said, “It’s a good club. Preacher’s one of the best.”
“He’d say the same about you.”
“Can’t say I’d disagree with him,” Stone chuckled.
“Neither would I.”
“And what about the Coyotes?”
“Handled,” I answered. “At least, for now.”
“You thinking there’ll be blowback?”
“Without a doubt.”
Fury had all but wiped out the Coyotes’ Little Rock chapter, and the scouts of six or more chapters.
We knew they wouldn’t let that shit go without some kind of retaliation, so Preacher had Shep and Grim on watch.
They were monitoring all activity, and if anything seemed suspicious, we would be the first to know.
We all knew it was coming. We just didn’t know when, so I added, “May be tomorrow or even a month from now, but men like them don’t have the common sense to let shit go.”
“No, they don’t.” The food showed up, and we both dove in. After a few bites, Stone asked the question he’d been avoiding. “You staying?”
“Nah, Prez. I think my time here has come and gone.”
“You met someone?”
“You could say that.” His brow lifted, but he didn’t give me shit. Instead, he sat back and listened as I told him, “She’s a good one. Got two boys she’s raised right, and for reasons I don’t understand, she seems to have a liking for me.”
“So, this is serious.”
He said it in more of a statement than a question, and he was right.
Things with Rae had gotten serious, more serious than I’d intended, and I don’t even know when it happened.
But somewhere between the late-night texts and hearing her laugh when I missed six shots at golf, I’d found myself wanting things I didn’t deserve anymore.
“Enough to make me wanna stay.”
“I see.” Stone was quiet for a moment before asking, “Preacher know?”
“He knows enough.”
He nodded slow and easy, then asked, “And your patch?”
“That’ll be between you and Preacher.” I gave him a half shrug. “But I’m good with leaving things how they are for now.”
The boys were right in calling me Drifter. The name fit more than I’d realized. I wasn’t exactly a nomad, but I wasn’t ready to claim a new home. I was just changing directions and trying to figure out what life looked like when grief wasn’t the only thing steering me.
Stone cocked his jaw and smirked, “Brotherhood has nothing to do with geography. It’s family, and the one you start with isn’t always the one that sticks. Sometimes, it’s the one you choose when nothing else makes sense.”
“Not sure I’m a man who deserves a second go.”
“You do.” He leaned forward, making sure I heard him clear when he said, “You’ve spent a long time wrapped up in that guilt. Nothing wrong with quitting that, especially when that blame never should’ve fallen on your shoulders. We failed them, too, that day. Failed you right along with them.”
“Stone.”
“It’s true, and somewhere in that thick head of yours, you know it.”
His words hit hard.
It hit even harder when he said, “Letting go isn’t about forgetting, brother. You’ll never forget, but you can move on. Em would want that for you. We all do.”
We finished our burgers and shared some small talk, but we’d both already said what we had to say. When we were done, Stone followed me back out to my bike and said, “Keep in touch.”
“You know I will.”
“And if you decide to move your patch, you have my blessing.”
“Appreciate that, brother.”
He gave me a brotherly pat on the shoulder before saying, “Give ‘em hell.”
With that, he turned and got on his bike. Seconds later, he was gone. There was no mention of coming by the clubhouse or seeing the rest of the guys. He knew, just like I did, that the open road was pulling us in opposite directions. And that was okay.
There was no need for a big goodbye, but I didn’t rush off. I got on my bike and let the engine idle, giving the moment its due. And after the time felt right, I rolled out, and this time, I wasn’t looking back.