Chapter 26
RAELYN
Iwas sleeping so peacefully when I woke up with a start. And for reasons I didn’t understand, I had a strange tightness in my chest. Something was wrong. I slid my hand across the cold sheets and quickly realized that Walker was no longer in bed next to me.
I glanced over at the clock, and a weird knot coiled in the pit of my stomach. I sat up and listened for a moment, hoping to hear him moving about, but there was only silence. That gave me an uneasy feeling, and every instinct I had gnawed at me to go check on him.
My clothes were somewhere on the floor, but instead of hunting for them, I just grabbed one of Walker’s t-shirts from the dresser. I slipped it over my head, and I couldn’t help but notice it smelled like him. The thought should’ve made me smile. Instead, the knot in my stomach pulled tighter.
I stepped out into the hall and called out, “Walker?”
When he didn’t answer, I continued to the living room and called for him again. I checked the kitchen, and when there was no sign of him, I looked out the front window. That’s when I spotted him sitting on the front steps. Even from there, I could tell something was wrong.
His elbows were resting on his knees, and he was leaning forward like the weight of the world had finally caught up with him. I opened the door, and for a second, I just stood there, hoping he would glance back at me with a smile.
He didn’t.
I stepped out on the porch, and the old wood creaked beneath me as I made my way over to him. His head lifted when I sat down next to him. I gave him a moment, and when he didn’t speak, I asked, “Are you okay?”
After several moments, he lifted his head and looked at me with anguish in his eyes. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
His words were filled with anguish, and I wanted desperately to know what he was talking about. But I didn’t push. I just sat there and waited for him to continue, “Her name was Emily.”
And just like that, everything stilled.
Walker huffed out the smallest laugh as he said, “She worked at this little bar where some of the guys and I used to hang out. She was beautiful, innocent and good, and she had no business even looking at a man like me. But she set her sights on me. I told her I wasn’t looking for anything, and I wasn’t. I wasn’t the settling-down type.”
That surprised me.
Even with the tattoos, the intense expressions, and the years out on the road, Walker felt steady and safe, like the kind of man somebody built a life with. Hearing he didn’t want that made me wonder if this Emily had been a reason for that.
“That didn’t stop her. She saw something in me that I didn’t see in myself, and she kept trying to lure me in… wouldn’t quit.” He shook his head. “I told myself she deserved better, and she did. But she wore me down.”
I looked over at him, and my chest ached when I saw the anguish in his eyes and the grief weighing on his shoulders. “I don’t even know when it happened, but I got to the point where I couldn’t imagine a day without her in it.”
There were no dramatics, no grand declarations.
Just truth, and it was tough to hear, especially when I cared for him the way I did.
I knew he was hurting. I could feel the pain radiating off of him, and as much as I wanted to reach out and hold him, I didn’t dare.
I needed to hear what he had to say just as much as he needed to say it.
So, I sat there silently and listened as he told me, “We were together six years when she found out she was pregnant.”
And just like that, there was a shift. I felt it. It was like something inside him cracked open just enough for me to see the damage it had done. His voice was strained as he told me, “She gave me a son.”
He shook his head, like the words weren’t good enough. I didn’t move. I didn’t say a word. I was afraid he might stop talking, so I remained completely still and silent. “My son was the best part of me.”
The way he said “was” made my chest tighten. I knew what was coming even before he said the words, and I felt the air rush from my lungs when he said, “He wasn’t even two when he and his mother were taken from me. Losing them nearly ended me.”
His eyes met mine, and when I saw the anguish that filled them, the world felt like it tilted. He didn’t explain or give any details, but at that moment, it was enough. He’d experienced the kind of loss that never really leaves a person. It settles into your bones and becomes part of you.
If I lost my boys, I don’t think I could survive it, so I understood completely when he said, “There’s a piece of me that will always be tied to them. Always.”
“Oh, Walker. I’m so sorry.” Without thinking, I reached over and placed my hand on his. “I can’t imagine how hard that was for you.”
“It broke me, Rae. It shattered me to pieces… He was the best thing I ever did. Both of them were.”
Silence fell between us, and the weight of it pressed against me as I searched for the right words to say. He’d lived through the worst thing I could imagine, and he was still carrying it like it was a reminder that it could happen again.
“I don’t know what to say.” I gave his hand a gentle squeeze as I told him, “I’m just so very sorry this happened to you and to them.”
“I’ve tried to let them go, but I can’t.”
“But you don’t have to.” I meant every word when I told him, “You can hold onto them for as long as you want to. I know I would hold onto mine until I took my last breath, and I wouldn’t expect you to do any different.”
That’s when I saw the resistance and the fear.
But I also saw hope, and that was something I could work with. I inched a little closer, and I kept my tone soft and steady as I said, “You have such a big heart, Walker. I’ve seen it for myself. I’m hoping in time, you will see that there’s room for us all.”
I knew he wasn’t sure when he lowered his head and stared down at the dirt.
That made my heart ache, because I knew there was a good chance I was losing him.
I couldn’t leave there without telling him how I felt, so I let out a deep breath and said, “I know it’s early, and probably not the best time to say this, but I’ve fallen in love with you, Walker.
And that’s scary to admit. It’s fast and unexpected, and there are still a lot of pieces of the puzzle that we haven’t put in place, but I think there’s something here. I think you do, too.”
“I wouldn’t be sitting here if I didn’t.”
“Okay, so now, you just have to decide if you have it in you to give us a chance… You don’t have to answer me now.
Take whatever time you need.” As much as I wanted to see this thing through, I had to be realistic.
I didn’t want to start something that would only end up hurting us both.
“But when you do answer, I need you to be sure. Really sure.”
He gave me a nod, and I took that as my cue to stand.
I walked back into the house, and, doing my best not to cry, I grabbed my phone from my purse and requested an Uber. Once it was confirmed, I went back to the bedroom and got dressed. I waited there until I received a notification that my driver was two minutes away.
I grabbed my purse and headed back to the porch. Walker was still sitting where I’d left him. When he spotted the headlights coming down the drive, he glanced up at me and said, “You’re a good one, Raelyn. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“Walker…”
“I mean it, Rae. You showed me it’s possible to walk through the darkness.”
“I’ll walk through it with you, and if you let me, we can find our way out together.”
He stood and walked over to me. He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead before going back inside the house, leaving me wondering if I would ever see him again.
I felt literally sick as I made my way down the steps and got into the Uber, and I had to fight back the tears as I glanced back at the house and saw no sign of Walker. It all seemed so surreal.
One minute, we were in bed, making plans for his house, and the next, he was telling me he couldn’t do this. Maybe I pushed too hard. It was too much, too soon. Or maybe he knew I would never compare to her. I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure I ever would.
I tried to tell myself that I would be fine, that everything would work out like it was supposed to. I just needed to get home, and after a shower and some sleep, I’d have a clear head.
But the farther away we got from his house, the harder it was to ignore the growing ache in my chest. It didn’t help that Walker’s voice kept playing in my head.
‘She saw something in me I didn’t see in myself…’
‘Couldn’t imagine a day without her in it…’
‘She gave me a son… You’re a good one, Rae.’
His words were bad enough, but the way he looked at me, like he’d already made his decision, was all I could take. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with all the feelings erupting inside of me. I hadn’t felt like this before.
Thankfully, I had some time to figure it out.
The boys were at Dan’s, so it was just Milo and me. He met me at the door and waddled behind me as I started down the hallway. I went straight for the bathroom, and he sat on the floor, watching with his head tilted as I turned on the shower.
I felt numb as I undressed and got inside.
The water was hot enough to sting, but I didn’t move. I just stood there, letting it cascade down over my head and shoulders. I stood there long after the mirror had fogged over and the water should’ve run cold. I let the hot water pour over my face, trying to pretend I wasn’t still falling apart.
But I was.
I didn’t even understand why this hurt so bad. Walker hadn’t died. He hadn’t cheated, and technically, he hadn’t even truly ended things with me. But something happened on that porch, something final. I felt it in my bones.
When I finally got out, I dried off, put on my pajamas, and with my hair still wet, I crawled into bed.
I drifted in and out but sleep never really came.
At some point, the sun came up, but I didn’t move.
I remained curled up in bed, staring at nothing while trying to ignore the fact that life was going on outside the walls of my room.
I heard the front door open and Thomas calling out my name, but I didn’t answer. I just lay there, listening as the boys’ footsteps came closer to my door. It creaked open and was followed by Thomas asking, “Mom?”
“Yeah, sweetie.”
I didn’t move, so I wasn’t surprised when he asked, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “I’m just not feeling well.”
“Anything I can do?”
“It’s the stomach bug… I just need to sleep it off, okay?”
His voice was riddled with concern as he asked, “Like throwing up?”
“Not yet.” I pulled the blanket higher. “Just don’t feel good.”
“What about a Sprite?”
“Maybe later.”
He lingered for a moment, then said, “Okay. Just call me if you need anything.”
“Okay. Thanks, sweetie.”
“Love ya.”
Tears burned my eyes as I muttered, “I love you, too. So, so much.”
Once the door clicked shut, I rolled over and grabbed my phone.
The brightness made me wince as I searched for my last text to Liv.
Once I found it, I sent her a message, telling her that I wouldn’t be at school tomorrow and more than likely not Tuesday either.
Before she could ask, I told her I had the stomach bug and asked her to please let our principal know.
I tossed the phone down to the foot of the bed and pulled the comforter back over my head. I knew I was being a bit dramatic. I didn’t react this way when Dan and I split. I was angry, disappointed, and, yes, heartbroken.
But it was just the slow unraveling of something already broken.
Our marriage had died long before he crawled into bed with CeeCee.
It still hurt. It hurt for months, but it never left me feeling like I might have lost out on the chance at something really amazing. Now I feel as if I might have lost out on the love of my life, and that was something I wasn’t sure I could recover from.