Chapter 25 - Taran #2
Quinn appeared exasperated. “I’m human and, aye, Kiera is bonny, so I won’t lie and tell you she’s not attractive.
I found her attractive. But I wasn’t passionate about her.
I wasn’t in love with her. I tried for Heather’s sake.
When we had Heather, we did share a bond over how much we loved this tiny wee person who had come abruptly into our lives.
But as the months passed, that momentary bond dissipated.
Reality set in. I resented Kiera for not being you, and I tried every day not to because it was so fucking unfair to her.
It was my idea to have Angus because I wanted to recreate that momentary bond we’d had, hoping it would fix things.
It didn’t work. It just made it worse. Kiera had had enough of trying.
I wouldn’t let her in, and as the years passed, missing you got worse, not better.
Knowing what I could have had. Angry at myself for thinking marriage was the only way to be a good dad.
Kiera and I never really had an honest conversation about it, but she tried.
And she got tired of trying. She met Gary before we divorced.
She didn’t physically cheat, but she discovered what love should be like and she took her chance, and I’m happy for her. ”
I gently extricated myself from Quinn’s grip and took a few steps away, breathing in deep breaths as I tried to calm my racing heart. “If she hadn’t left you, you would still be with her now.”
“That isn’t true. It was over for me and her before it even began.
” His voice was hoarse. “As soon as you walked back onto this island, you were all I could think about. My side of the story is that I’ve never stopped loving you.
Telling you that I was marrying Kiera because she was pregnant was the worst day of my life.
And it kills me that you don’t believe I loved you as much as you loved me. ”
The dragon roared in my head. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“I think you do,” Quinn whispered gruffly, stepping up behind me.
“I used to wake up every morning and wish that I was waking up to you. I’d see someone who looked like you in town and my heart would stop.
They’d turn and it wasn’t you, and I’d be in a black mood for the rest of the month.
Not day, not week, but month. Sometimes plural. ”
His words terrified me because they were words I’d longed to hear. Now that I had them, I wanted to run from them. “You must have been with women since Kiera. Why not give one of them a chance?”
“Because … fuck, Taran, are you not hearing me? They’re not you.
I want what I only feel with you. I’ve felt at home with you since we were kids.
Like I was put on this earth to be your home and you are mine.
A safe space. True friendship. And passion unlike anything I’ve ever known because …
every time you smile at me, I feel it in my goddamn dick. ”
I stiffened at his blunt words, my cheeks flushing.
His voice was closer to my ear now, rumbling through me.
“You just need to touch me and all the hair on my body stands on end. That hyperawareness … that need deep in my gut … I’ve never felt that for anyone but you.
We were just kids and you’re still the best I ever had.
” He moved in front of me, his feet almost in the water, heat and longing blazing in his eyes.
“Do you know how lucky we are? To have that kind of connection?”
I stumbled backward, my heart racing, my skin tingling with that so-called connection. Quinn had never spoken to me like this when we were kids. His openness scared the shit out of me.
It made me defensive. “Aye, Quinn. I do know how lucky we were.”
“Taran.” He reached for me, but I took a few more steps backward up the beach.
“I … I think I believe you,” I admitted reluctantly. “That you loved me then but were trying to do the right thing. But my heart can’t let go of the fact that you let go of me.”
Quinn’s eyes glistened with tears. “But I didn’t. Don’t you understand? I didn’t and I can’t. I’ll never love anyone the way I love you.”
His words hit me hard, and a torturous tug-of-war began between the part of me that believed him and sympathized and the part that was terrified of having my heart broken all over again. I’d spent the last year in grief beyond my imagining.
I just wanted peace from turmoil.
“If you can tell me that you feel nothing for me, Taran Macbeth, I’ll walk away for good. I give you that promise.”
I opened my mouth, the words that would stop all this tickling my tongue.
But suddenly, my mum’s voice was in my head. You might regret telling a truth, sweetheart, but you’ll always regret a lie.
“I don’t know what I feel, Quinn.” I tugged off his sweater and tossed it to him. He caught it, his brow furrowed. “I just need … time.”
“We’ve already wasted nineteen years.”
“You wasted nineteen years,” I reminded him harshly.
Quinn tilted his chin up with a stubbornness I recognized. “You’re right. If you need time, I’ll give you time. You could take another nineteen years to make up your mind, and I’ll still be right here waiting.”
I paused at that because the truth was Quinn had changed.
He’d never opened up to me back then like he had today.
Being vulnerable had never been easy for him.
“I don’t take it lightly,” I assured him.
“You being honest with me. I don’t take it lightly.
I’m not … I’m not toying with you deliberately. ”
He frowned, lifting a hand as if he wanted to touch me. “Taran, I would never think that of you.”
I nodded, exhaling heavily as I turned. “When you’re ready to tell me about this suspect of yours, let me know.”
I’d just given him my back when he called, “After you left … I used to come here every year and roar into the sky.”
My breath faltered again as I whirled to stare at him in disbelief.
Quinn nodded, expression tortured. “Every year. I always wondered if the clouds carried the sound of it over to the mainland … to you.”
His poetic words caused fresh tears to spill down my cheeks. “Quinn …”
“All I’m saying is that you weren’t alone in your pain. I just want us both to be free of it … and I think there’s only one way that happens.”
I heard a tinge of desperation in his confession, and guilt joined the fray of my internal war. All I could do was nod in acceptance of his words and hurry away before I did something I wasn’t sure I was ready—or ever would be ready—for.