16. Kieran
Chapter 16
Kieran
“You look like shit,” Shane said as he dropped in the seat across from me.
I’d gone out for breakfast at Bennett’s diner every Friday morning for years now, so it wasn’t hard to track me down. And Shane might not have needed to track me down had I not been avoiding everyone. I lifted my gaze from my phone and shot him a dirty look before returning my attention back down at the screen.
“Nice to see you too.” I scrolled through the photos of my ruined truck. They’d found it burned to a crisp in a gravel pit outside of the town it was stolen in. Apparently, it had been a joyride gone bad.
The past week had made me feel like I was going insane. After renting a car and driving home, I’d left Clay at Mom’s and gone about my business as if nothing had ever happened between us. Well, I would have liked to say that’s what I’d done. In truth, I dropped Clay off and then ignored his existence entirely.
The week had been hell. This morning when I woke up, I realized that not only did I miss Clay, but that I missed sleeping next to him. And we’d only done that once. I’d all but abandoned him when we got back to town, and my ghosting him had me hating myself more than a little. The result was an increasingly bad mood, made only worse by learning the fate of my truck .
But even my truck’s demise wasn’t enough to distract me from the fact that I liked Clay more than I wanted to. More than I should, considering his past. But it was hard for me to reconcile that he was the same person who’d ruined his business and burned his life to the ground with the sweet, funny man I went on that road trip with. The same scared, trembling, trusting man I had sex with later.
And that was the problem. I felt like I’d taken advantage of him. Clay had been scared and we were alone, and all day I’d done nothing but think about how much better he looked than he used to. How even his hair was shinier now, how although he still rarely smiled, but did so for me and how I treasured every one like it was a gift.
“Did they find your truck?” Shane asked.
Ethan came by and poured a coffee for Shane. I shook my head. I’d already had far too much caffeine and it wasn’t even eight in the morning. I furrowed my brows and looked at Shane.
“What are you doing out of bed before noon?”
Shane’s expression said it all. My absence had been noted. And if Shane noticed, even though he was tangled up in Asher all the time and unaware of much else lately, everyone else had likely noticed too. Especially Clay.
“Did they find your truck?” Shane asked again instead of answering my question.
I opened the text message I’d received from the officer and slid my phone across the table.
“Shit.” Shane looked stricken when he saw the photos of my burned-up truck. “Guess you’re going shopping.”
“I might get a car this time. Or maybe an SUV. I haven’t decided yet. I don’t really need a truck.”
A car would be better on gas. And if I was going to ever go on that road trip, I’d want something that got decent mileage .
“Maybe I’ll get a hybrid.”
“Whatever you need, man. I couldn’t live without my truck.” Shane slid my phone back across the table. “Mom says Clayton gets his cast off next week.”
I nodded and took a drink of my coffee to prevent myself from saying anything. Clay was nervous about the cast coming off, but I didn’t know if that was information he wanted shared around. He’d already had the entire Taggart family up in his business already.
“Have you heard from Brodie?” I asked, steering the conversation to safer territory.
“He sent Archer some pocket-sized art prints he got from a street vendor in Rome.”
“Ah, so he’s still in Europe.”
“Again. He was in Africa last month.”
“I can’t keep up. But maybe we can convince him to come home for Mom’s birthday.” Going on an extended vacation the way Brodie had done wasn’t my style. I’d go too stir crazy if I didn’t have something to keep me busy and after a while I doubted sightseeing would cut it. But I still wondered what it would be like to pack a bag and take off, just me and a car, maybe a convertible. I had visions of driving along the West Coast, the salty ocean air whipping through my hair.
And suddenly I wasn’t alone in that fantasy. Clay was next to me, riding shotgun with his arm draped out the window and the wind blowing his hair. My chest constricted and I had to resist the urge to rub the ache out of my sternum.
“I bet we can swing that. Maybe he’ll even stick around for longer than a week this time.” Shane leaned back in the booth. We were nearly the same size, but Shane was a little larger, and he looked it the way his shoulders widened when he put his elbows on the table and clasped his hands in front of him. “I’ve been doing some thinking about Clayton.”
“Have you?”
Shane nodded somberly. “Archer and I have been talking about him and trying to decide what’s best for everyone.”
“What do you mean, what’s best for everyone?”
“Well, he can’t stay at Mom’s forever. His leg is healed, the cast is coming off his arm. Ideally I’d just cut him a check and let him disappear on a bus to who cares where, but that’s not a good solution either.”
“And what does Clay think? Or did you think to talk to him about his life?”
Shane looked as guilty as he did angry. “Archer and I were just spit balling ideas. We weren’t making decisions or anything.”
“And your ideas always begin and end with how much will it cost?” Disgusted, I shook my head. “I know you think you do a lot of good with your money, and you do. I’m not trying to make it seem like you’re some kind of bad guy, but not everything can be solved by throwing money at it. I’m pretty sure we’ve had this discussion before, Shane. You have a good heart, and no one was more deserving of winning that money than you were, but you can’t just buy people a new life. Clay needs to make his own choices.”
Shane rolled his eyes. I could tell by the set of his jaw that I was getting through to him, but the fire in his eyes told me he wasn’t about to give up so easily.
“Because his decision-making capabilities are so wonderful? History says otherwise. And since when do you call him Clay?”
Every muscle in my body tensed at the accusatory tone of Shane’s voice .
“You shouldn’t have conversations with people before ten a.m., Shane. You’re a surly, grumpy, bastard. Go back to bed. We’ll talk later.” I tossed a few bills on the table, more than enough to cover breakfast and Shane’s coffee, and stormed out of the restaurant.
Predictably, Shane followed me. I heard his footsteps hurry behind me to catch up and then he was walking next to me.
“I think you need to level with me, Kieran. Every time I mention Clayton, you get agitated or you change the subject. What’s he done?”
Shock had me stopping dead in my tracks. “What do you mean, what’s he done?”
I turned to face my brother and glowered at him. I kept my hands at my sides so I didn’t do something stupid like punch him. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to, and then I’d do something equally stupid like tell him that I’d slept with Clay. And something even stupider. I might confess the fact that I liked him.
“Well, something’s got you all riled up.” Shane shrugged. “I just assumed.”
“You assumed that Clay, sorry, Clayton has been up to no good. That he’s been trying to swindle money out of Mom, or maybe me? Or maybe he’s started his own illegal gambling ring that he runs out of the bedroom he sleeps in at Mom’s house.”
The more I talked, the more I was aware of how crazy I sounded, but also how angry I was at Shane. “I never asked for this, you know. Any of it. Not the lottery, not the money, not the loans being paid off. None of it. I know you think you’re helping people, but sometimes you just do things without asking, Shane, and you take people’s choices away. Like when Clay ended up in the hospital. I realize he didn’t have a lot of choices, but he does now. And still you’re trying to use your magical money wand to fix shit. Yeah, it got you Archer, but that’s all it’s going to get you. ”
“I just—I always said I’d help people if I ever won. I said I’d buy Mom a house and I did. And I said I’d pay your student loans and I’d pay for Brodie to travel and see the world.”
“He’s seen the world, Shane. But you keep calling him and you’re like where are you going next, Brodie? You need to see this country, Brodie. How about you go here, Brodie? It’s like you’re paying him to stay away.”
Shane flinched like I’d slapped him.
“Shit, Shane. Fuck.” I raked a hand through my hair. “It’s been a really shitty week. My truck is barbeque. I haven’t been sleeping. I’m an asshole.”
Shane nodded his head. “Yeah, you are. But you have a point about Clayton. Archer and I shouldn’t be sitting around making decisions about his life.”
The victory was hollow and I felt the need to extend the olive branch. My careless words had hurt him and, in the moment, that had been the aim. But that didn’t mean I should have said them, or that I didn’t regret them. I still meant what I said, but I could have said it nicer.
“How about dinner this weekend?”
Shane let out a sigh. “I told Mom that we’d have dinner at her house this weekend. She’s a bit peeved that I haven’t been around in a while. But you should come. She’s probably planning to make you anyway.”
“How do you think it’s going to go with Archer and Clay in the same room?”
“Can’t be any worse than the two of us.” Shane offered me a weak smile. I could tell that his feelings were still bruised, but there was nothing to do to help that now. I could apologize again, but saying sorry didn’t pluck the words out of the air and stick them back in my pocket .
That didn’t mean I couldn’t at least try. “I really am sorry, Shane. You’re a good guy. I’m just in a shitty mood.”
“And I should know better than to bother you at breakfast. It’s too fucking early for this shit, man.” Shane closed the distance between us and wrapped me in a hug. “Do you need a lift?”
“Nah, I think the fresh air will do me some good. I’m going to walk up to the dealership and see about some new wheels.”
“Use the family account,” Shane said, referring to a bank account he set up for everyone to dip into if they had an emergency. “If you want. The choice is yours.”
“Thanks.” I exhaled. I was still angry, mostly at myself. For a lot of things. For hiding from Clay all week. For going off on Shane. For sleeping with Clayton. For kissing him. But most of all, I was pissed off because I liked it as much as I did.