Chapter Twenty-One
Wes
I’m about to do something I didn’t do nearly enough in all the years Gina and I were together. Suck it up and apologize.
My inner asshole is protesting. Old me wouldn’t have done this.
It’s the vulnerability of sorries I hate most, but this feels important. And maybe, I can admit, I want to see Adam again. He seems to be more level-headed. More thoughtful. Maybe he’ll let me explain where Troy didn’t.
When I arrive at Adam’s hospital room I expect Troy, if not a room full of sex workers. I brace myself when I push open the door. To my surprise, it’s only him. Sitting up in bed, reading one of my brother’s mystery novels.
“Hey, Westy. You read these books?” He holds up the novel. Book two or three in the series—I’m not entirely sure.
“I read the first one. It was good. I’m not as much of a reader as my brother, though.”
It’s not that I don’t want to support my brother and the books he writes, but sitting down to read fiction has always been guilt-inducing. There are so many other things I need to do and worry about; how can I spend time reading a story for fun?
Our mother would have called it lazy. She called twice on my way over, by the way, and I sent them both to voicemail.
How do I explain that I’m not in the mood to talk because I’m too busy questioning my entire existence to help her decide which option she should choose for her new air conditioning system or talk her through setting up her smart TV, or whatever crisis she’s having this week?
“I should pick the series up again,” I add.
Adam smiles and sets the book aside. “Hey, get over here.” I walk to the bed, but then it hits me what he really meant when he pats the mattress beside him the same way Troy did.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of a big guy, and hospital beds aren’t made for two.” Hell, hospital beds were the bane of my existence when I was going through treatment. Not all of them were made to comfortably accommodate a person my size. Some barely gave me room to roll over.
“Shut up and get in here,” Adam says. “Between the beeping and the smells it’s been impossible to sleep in here by myself. I could use a nap.”
“Hmm. I guess it’s good to know you and Troy are both equally codependent.” Even as I snark at him, I’m lowering one of the handrails and sliding in beside him. He scoots over to make room, setting the book down and curling toward me.
“Yeah, I heard Troy crashed with you last night.” He situates himself so we’re almost nose to nose. “He stopped by earlier.”
Interesting. I wasn’t sure. “I’m surprised he’s not here right now.”
Adam’s eyes sparkle with amusement. And now I can officially mark down the first time I ever noticed another man’s eyes sparkling. I don’t even know what to do with that information.
He brushes his hand along the side of my face. “So, here’s the secret. I love Troy. With a capital L. He also is the absolute worst when he’s scared.”
Scared? I think back to the night before. “He didn’t seem scared. Exhausted, angry, and kind of dickish…”
Adam laughs. “Trust me, he’s fucking terrified.
Considering all the shit we’ve seen, he doesn’t handle death well.
Not that anyone died, but things got risky.
He’d never admit it, but he’s not handling this well.
He never does. And yes, part of that is not being allowed to stay with me.
” When he looks at me again, it’s full of meaning.
“Glad the two of you were able to lean on each other, though.”
Since I’m not sure what exactly Troy’s told Adam, I’m hesitant about my reply. Also, I’m trying this new thing where I don’t lie to people. “Not sure I’d call what we did leaning on one another.”
“Why not? Orgasms can be very healing.”
“So he told you.”
Adam shrugs. “We tell each other most things. Not everything. Almost everything. The stuff we don’t tell, we usually know anyway.”
There’s a scratching sensation against my cheek. Adam resting his stubbled face against mine. I don’t hate it.
“The thing is, we might not be here if we hadn’t relied on each other. You can call it codependent if you want. It’s probably the truth. Still, it’s the way it is because it’s how we needed to be. I wouldn’t know who I was without him. I wouldn’t want to.”
Even without Troy in the room, I feel the intimacy in Adam’s words. “Where do I fit into all of this?”
“You didn’t like my previous answer?”
“I’m not convinced I understood your previous answer. Telling me I’m fun to fuck with makes it sound like I’m a video game you both want to play. Something you’ll wander away from when you get bored.”
“Kitten,” Adam breathes. “That’s not it at all.”
But how can he be sure? There’s no denying the fear that slices through my center when I think of them getting tired of me.
It doesn’t take a professional to know it’s not healthy to be clinging to these two men.
I’m sure it’ll pass. These knots twisting in my gut will go away when I’m on firmer footing, but not yet.
Not right now.
Adam nudges his nose against mine. “I also said you were real, and that was the honest truth. We like that you’re a little damaged and fucked up, because so are we.
Someone who hasn’t been a little broken wouldn’t get us.
And Troy and I have done everything together for so long, if we’re going to date someone it makes sense we’d do that together, too.
” He wrinkles his nose. “I’ve sort of had a girlfriend on and off, but it was never going work long-term because she and Troy don’t really like each other.
That’s a deal-breaker, even if she does leave her fiancé. ”
“I don’t even know how to unpack that statement.” The fiancé part gets lost in my knee jerk reaction to the word “girlfriend,” and the way everything inside me gets hot and tight.
I think I’m jealous again, and I sure as hell don’t like it.
“She’s not someone you need to worry about, Wes.”
I move to sit up. “Who said I was worried?”
His hand lands on my arm. “Don’t. Don’t go yet.”
“Fine.” I settle back in, surprised by how much I like having someone to cuddle.
Gina and I hadn’t done that in years, even when we did sleep in the same bed.
“I came here to apologize, actually. Troy and I somehow got into a fight. I got defensive. I don’t entirely remember what I said, but I weirdly got the impression I hurt his feelings. ”
“Tell me what happened.”
“We…” It feels strange talking about this so openly.
“Well, you already know about the orgasms. We fell asleep, which I think we both really needed. The next morning we’re having coffee, and it comes up that I don’t have a place to live in a few days.
Troy offered to let me stay with you guys.
Which… It’s not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but it’s not a good idea.
And I made a shitty comment when he pointed out that he hasn’t fucked anybody bare except us two.
It didn’t come out the way I intended, but it pushed a button, getting reminded right then about what you guys do for a living. ”
Adam nods, serious. “Sure. Yeah. He burst your bubble. I see where you’re coming from. And also why Troy got pissed.”
“Care to share with the class?”
He narrows his eyes. “Not sure if it’ll help or scare you away.”
“Now you have to tell me, or I’ll start imagining things that are probably worse.”
“Fine. Troy thinks he’s going to die.”
There’s a moment when time feels frozen. Even my heart seems to stop beating. Somewhere in my head, a needle scratches across a record.
“What the hell?” I don’t know what I thought he was going to say, but it wasn’t dying.
Adam sighs. “His mother had some pretty severe mental health issues. In the interest of time I’ll leave it at that.
Troy’s dad was a real piece of shit, deep in some not-so-legal import and export stuff, and wasn’t home a lot.
The year he and I met, she killed herself.
Since people in our parents’ circles didn’t do things like therapy, he had nobody to help him make sense of it. ”
My heart squeezes at the thought of a confused teenager trying to figure out why his mother left him behind. I had the same thoughts when my father passed, even though his illness wasn’t the same.
“What about you?”
“Oh, sure.” Adam nods enthusiastically, scraping his stubble against my face.
“He had me. I was raised by the prominent leader of a South Florida gang whose idea of toughening up his ‘pussy’ kid was to put a gun in my hand and force me to shoot someone who had betrayed him. Ended up shooting him instead.” He pulls back, looking me in the eye.
“You’d be surprised, but I’m not exactly the poster child for healthy myself. ”
He’s looking at me like his revelation might send me running. Maybe I should freak out over what he just said. But I heard it before, in that building. And if what he said about his father is true, I almost understand.
Dammit, his eyelashes are so long. “That’s…that’s terrible. I’m sorry.” I’m aching right now. For both of them. For myself.
“I’m not asking you to be sorry. I’m hoping you’ll try and understand.
We came from a fucked-up world and ran away so we could live in one that was only slightly less fucked up.
We did impossible things to make it to tomorrow.
What happened in that building? If you hadn’t been there with us, it would have been just another Tuesday.
Through everything, when it came down to it, Troy and I only had each other. ”
There’s a lump in my throat when I swallow. They’ve only ever had each other, and they both want me. Maybe I don’t feel ready, but it means something that they want me to be a part of what they have.