Chapter 30
When Elizabeth arrived at the grove early the next morning, Mr. Darcy was already waiting.
“You are here!” said Elizabeth softly in wonder, as if surprised. She felt uncommonly shy.
“There is nowhere else I would rather be, now that you are here as well.”
The two lovers stared at each other, not knowing what the next move should be or who should make it.
Then Mr. Darcy extended his elbow, and Elizabeth verily skipped forward to take it with her hand.
Mr. Darcy laughed out loud, another unusual occurrence for him.
“You have made me very happy, happier than I thought possible. Wherever you are, there is light and hope. Without you, there is darkness and gloom. Can you blame me for wanting light?” He then swept his eyes around the grove.
“This is our sanctuary, mine at least.”
“Ours.”
He pressed the hand on his elbow and began walking.
“Tell me, love… forgive me for taking the liberty…”
“When did you realize you loved me?”
“I was in the middle of it before I knew that I had begun. Looking back, I believe I fell in love with you early in our acquaintance in Hertfordshire, but I was not prepared to encounter the love of my life while I was not looking for her. Like a fool, I refused to admit to myself that I should love a lady perfect in every way except what society deemed important: she was not of my circle and had connections to trade. I dismissed the tingling in my skin every time you were near as an infatuation I should quell. Could you forgive me for being so arrogant and disdainful of others based entirely on social strictures?”
Mr. Darcy felt like a criminal awaiting his sentencing—his hands were sweating inside his gloves on this crisp spring morning. If anyone had told him he would appear diffident in front of a woman, he would have scoffed at such nonsense. Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley had been fearless until now.
“If you had dismissed me, the way you dismissed that tingling feeling, because of my lower station and never given me a second glance, I would not have been so lenient. But you did not. Yes, you deserve forgiveness from me… for insisting on loving me against your will and even your reason. But I am surprised you could love me at all. My beauty, you early withstood. And as for manners, my impertinence was calculated to give you pain—a payback of sorts for your slighting me at the Assembly… oh, you need not apologize for that transgression. By observing Georgiana’s behavior among strangers, I deduced the reason for your overt rudeness.
I do not think I am off the mark. To me, it is a miracle that with such an inauspicious beginning, and then the interference of Mr. Wickham’s lies, we were drawn to each other.
Even now, when you should be forbidden to me—being married to another—we have fallen in love without the other being aware of it. ”
Mr. Darcy breathed out a sigh of relief. Elizabeth did not fault him for what he himself considered unpardonable wrongs.
“Tell me, my love, what you meant when you said ‘you care’ during the phaeton ride. Euphoria had erupted inside me, unbidden, on hearing those two words. It was a gladness the likes of which I had never known in my eight-and-twenty years on earth. And the song you sang last night—it describes exactly how I feel. I could not escape loving you even if I tried, and I was astounded that you might feel the same. Then later, I could not sleep thinking about what you meant. I had assumed that you had guessed my meaning, but then, how could you have? Self-doubt set in. I had told no one, and we have hardly seen each other since Hertfordshire.”
“You are inquiring why I cared what your selfish reason was?”
Mr. Darcy nodded and looked with smoldering admiration at Elizabeth, who never faltered in her own adoring gaze at her love.
“Through Jenny and my father I have learned that you are the most unselfish person of my acquaintance. The anguish in your voice might not have betrayed every meaning of those two words, but I knew without a doubt that you had been selfish for my sake.
“If you had wanted Rosings for yourself, you would have married your cousin long ago. Mr. Collins had harped on the eventuality of this event ad nauseam while in Hertfordshire. My father hinted you had unselfishly stepped up to marry your cousin to keep Rosings in the family. There was no other male available to take on the task, and the heir presumptive was an unsavory, traitorous character. During this visit, I see… I do not mean to be unfeeling, but your cousin’s precarious health has put her life in peril, and she could perish… at any moment.
“Making a match with the best connections and fortune was once… completely baffling to me. But now, after a few months of living in the ‘crème’ of society, it is as natural as breathing. I could tell why two particular people married by taking a quick glance at their Debrett’s entries.
Marrying for love is not the natural order of things—in fact, far from it.
Just look at the crowd of so-called admirers of Jane and me.
When the possibility arose of an heir apparent taking the dukedom away from the heir presumptive, many in the admiring crowd fell away.
Those courting me thinned out even more noticeably because my outward prickliness had scared off some of the less confident men.
” Mr. Darcy was pleased to hear that his Elizabeth used the same tactic as he to keep fortune-hunters at bay.
“I also learned that family obligations at this level of society were paramount. Even my lackadaisical father continually reminds us of the importance of not allowing our family name to be sullied. At Netherfield, I heard your comment about our connections to trade being a detriment to marrying well…” Here Elizabeth once again stopped Mr. Darcy’s attempt to apologize.
“However, if the marriage were to be a second one following the first wife’s death, then society’s strictures on the second marriage are less censorious, especially when the first marriage was according to society’s expectations.
Of course, you should not marry a chambermaid or an actress if you could help it. Am I close?”
Mr. Darcy lifted Elizabeth’s gloved hand for a kiss on the knuckles. His face turned solemn.
“Dearest Elizabeth, your lively mind and spirit bewitch me as much as your beauty. But I must ask again, have you also forgiven my selfishness?”
“What is your family motto, Fitzwilliam?”
“Honor and duty above all,” Mr. Darcy replied, intrigued by this seemingly irrelevant question, and also very pleased by his love using his Christian name for the first time.
“And that of your mother’s side of the family?”
“Let your desires be ruled by reason.” Mr. Darcy began to see where Elizabeth’s questions were leading.
“So, my dearest Fitzwilliam, is there any surprise that you have become the man you are, and you adhere to these principles without regard to your own feelings? Did not your father and mother drill those values into your head since you were in skeleton suits? Do you not subordinate your own desires to protect the honor of your family and fulfill your duty?”
“Dearest, your generous heart has attributed all that I have done to be good but kindly overlooked the reprehensible portion.
My parents did instill in me the principles inscribed on our coat of arms. However, I was never taught to correct my temper.
Instead, I was left to follow what was right in pride and conceit, which often distorts right into wrong.
My excellent parents, though everything benevolent and amiable themselves, unknowingly allowed, encouraged, and all but taught me to be selfish and overbearing, to care for none beyond my own family circle, and to think meanly of all the rest of the world, especially those lower in station.
“With a clear conscience, I could boast that I make every effort to treat everyone the same in everyday life, but when it concerns my family legacy, I revert to my selfish self and lose my ability to judge judiciously. That was why I needed to find a circuitous route to bring you into my family—to be my wife—when I thought your station in life lower than my own. This foolhardy idea was at the root of my decision to marry my dying cousin. As you said, if I were to marry again, society would not censure my wife for not being of my circle. You may have noticed that in my elaborate plan, I never considered your view on the matter. In your elevation, I was reminded that what I had planned and what Providence had designed were not the same. I thought I had lost my chance with you forever, and I view my sham of a marriage as penance for my sin. My dearest Lady Elizabeth, by you I am properly humbled.”
“Hmm, would you consider me not of your circle now? What would be said in society when we marry?” Elizabeth asked with a mischievous grin.
“My dear Lady Elizabeth, did you just propose to an untitled gentleman? I am certain that when the happy day comes, society will question what stratagem I used to ensnare a duke’s daughter so they may eagerly emulate the scheme to capture one of your sisters, while in the same breath pronouncing me a fortune-hunter. ”
“Oh, this is awkward. Do you think I proposed to you? My questions were based entirely on hypothetical situations. However, if I were to ask in earnest, would you accept my hand in marriage? I am certain you are not a fortune-hunter. Papa said you have wealth aplenty.”
Mr. Darcy smiled brightly and said, “If I were not already bound to another, I would jump for joy and accept with gladness while grabbing you in my arms to kiss you fervently. As it is, we shall have to delay such joyful bliss. To tell you at this juncture how I regret my farce of a marriage would spoil our current happiness.”