Chapter 30 #2
“I like your new attitude. You have been asking me to forgive so many things this past hour. If I did the same and asked you to forgive my having misjudged you as a petty and vindictive man for denying Mr. Wickham his promised living, separating Jane from Mr. Bingley, and most egregiously, disparaging my handsomeness at the Assembly, sooner or later each of us would be convinced the other was not worthy after all. I have observed resentment within a marriage at close quarters—it gives both man and wife nothing but emptiness and apathy, and I do not want that for myself. You must adopt my philosophy from now on: think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.”
Had Mr. Darcy wanted to retort that her past could have no regrets or sorrows, he was rendered entirely speechless by such uncommonly good sense expressed so lovingly.
The lovers stared at each other for a long moment.
Their inability to show affection freely until a later time was difficult for them, particularly for Mr. Darcy.
To break the tension, Mr. Darcy said feelingly, “You are wiser than King Solomon, my sweet love. How did you connect my actions and my upbringing to my family mottos? That was a stroke of genius. I have never made that association.”
“Oh, they are in Debrett’s. I… studied your family entry with considerable interest soon after we met in Meryton. That was also how I found out your Christian name.”
Mr. Darby smiled effusively. Elizabeth had cared for him so much that she studied the dullest treatise in history to learn about him when they were nothing to each other!
“I never realized Debrett’s could be of such value to me. Perhaps I should look up the Northampton entry to learn something new about your family.”
“There is nothing about the Bennets in the current edition. I asked papa about our family motto. He said he paid no attention to such frivolity. As the owner of a modest estate, he did not harbor any delusions of grandeur—engraving the coat of arms on chairs, tables, or our nondescript family carriage did not interest him. After much imploring on my part, he told me our motto is ‘virtue victorious.’ It may have something to do with the fact that we are descended from an illegitimate line, and the first Duke’s grandfather, a pious man, felt keenly about reminding later generations of the importance of virtue. ”
Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth wandered around the grove, speaking about everything and nothing.
Eventually, they arrived at the question of when Mr. Darcy had finally admitted to himself that Elizabeth was the one for him.
Mr. Darcy’s sense of guilt and disgrace came roaring back when recounting his attempts to forget her, including trying to supplant her with his youthful infatuation.
“When I found out that your father had been elevated to Duke of Northampton, it became clear to me that it has only been you, but at that point, you were no longer within my reach: I was bound to another, and you were being courted by every unmarried man in society. I was convinced I had lost the only woman I have ever truly loved. Then, the irony of fate intervened to bring us back together through your father. The anguish you heard in my voice was the despair I felt at losing you forever.”
By this time, Mr. Darcy’s expression was solemn. He let go of Elizabeth’s hand on his arm, being certain she would reject him now that she knew what a dishonorable man he was, despite the generous forgiveness she had granted before—she simply had not learned of the depths of his depravity.
“Would you tell me the qualities of the lady who so strongly turned your head? I am intrigued. I am not asking for her identity.” Elizabeth turned her face up toward Mr. Darcy, her eyes dancing with mischief.
Mr. Darcy thanked heaven his Elizabeth had meant what she said: she would not hold his past sins against him.
He brushed a finger playfully over Elizabeth’s upturned nose and said, “I do not deserve you, my magnanimous Elizabeth! I shall tell you all some other time. Just know that you are incomparable and occupy a place in my heart no other woman has even come close to, let alone touched. But now, you must tell me when you started loving me.”
“I was obtuse… and obstinate. Although I felt a powerful attraction to you at our first meeting at the Assembly, I was antagonistic toward you because of the perceived slight…”
Elizabeth ended her retelling of her growing feelings for him by saying, “I had an irrepressible longing to see you again after you departed to rescue Jem. At the Richmond Ball, I kept watching the entrance to the ballroom for your arrival. When you did not come, I sat out two dances with the Colonel hoping to get some information, any information, about you. He must have thought me daft to talk to him mainly about you. And then Jane… oh, I should not break her confidence. Suffice it to say, I devised this opportunity to see you and urged Jane to do the same.”
Mr. Darcy smiled playfully, and the mirth radiating from his deep blue eyes mesmerized Elizabeth. “Did Lady Jane want the opportunity to see me too?”
“No!” Elizabeth feigned annoyance but failed miserably, judging from her wide smile and laughing eyes. She was rewarded with another joy-filled grin.
“I may as well tell you so you could help with the scheme if you choose.
My father, at my prompting, wrote you a letter suggesting you invite friends to Rosings, while Jane and I planned to be here at the same time.
The objective was to create an opportunity for Jane and Mr. Bingley to meet again.
I do not know why I thought Mr. Bingley was the only friend you might invite, but I did know for certain you would be here—you see, I was using Jane for my own stratagem to see you!
“As for Jane and Mr. Bingley, papa said he would not interfere even though Mr. Bingley is from trade. Jane has been extremely confused about her feelings. She is very attached to our old life and circle of friends. The attention she has garnered since our elevation from gentlemen wanting to court her has overwhelmed her. I do believe she was longing for someone she had known before to whisk her away from all the confusion that is akin to her being tossed around in a stormy sea. She dearly wants to forget the eager gentlemen and their contention. Did you invite Mr. Bingley?”
“His Grace was indeed vague about his intent. I finally deduced his wish when I saw you and Lady Jane so unexpectedly at Rosings, as he had mentioned nothing about your visiting in his letter. Then I was reminded of the intense interest he had shown in Bingley’s whereabouts after Netherfield, and I finally saw his vague allusion to Lady Jane’s disappointed hopes.
It was at that point that I put two and two together.
“Bingley should have received my invitation by now. It was sent two days ago. I should confess that my cousin, Richard, asked me to create an opportunity for him to get to know Lady Jane, as he had trouble finding an opening among the horde of gentlemen. Richard has been away from the marriage mart for years because of his overseas deployments. Being a second son, he also felt his chances with the most celebrated heiress of the season to be dismal. At the ball, you treated him with exceptional kindness and extended to him an uncommonly warm friendship. So, he thought he might win the favor of a lovely and exalted lady, after all.”
“Oh, no! Did he mistake my interest in him as a tendre?”
“He did, but my jealousy made him instantly realize his error. As you said, you spoke with him mainly about me. Do you think Richard has a chance with Lady Jane? It is ungentlemanly of me to pry like this, but I am very poor at reading your sister. I detected no partiality toward Bingley in Hertfordshire. However, with what you just said about your stratagem to bring Bingley and Lady Jane together, it is clear I misjudged. I encouraged Bingley to keep away from your sister for some time to know his mind. He has a tendency to fall in and out of love often and quickly. I thought I was protecting my friend from making a hasty decision, but my perception of your mother…Her Grace being mercenary also played a part in my advice to Bingley. Will you forgive me for being so officious?”
“If you had told me this three months ago, I would have been extremely angry at you for separating my most beloved sister from the man who seemed to love her back. But now, from your account of Mr. Bingley’s inconstancy, and my own conversations and observations of Jane since papa has become duke, I am glad that Jane and Mr. Bingley did not rush into matrimony.
And your assessment of how mamma acted before is not wrong.
When a wealthy single young man came into the neighborhood, all the mothers, my own at the forefront, decided for him he must be in want of a wife, and Jane’s beauty made her the crown jewel of the county.
“Jane is kind and considerate to a fault.
Being the eldest, she had felt keenly that she must marry well to ensure the family would not be destitute if papa died.
Mr. Bingley seemed to be the perfect man to make her happy.
In addition to being wealthy, he was exceptionally amiable and would likely be willing to help a widow and her unmarried daughters; his being handsome was in his favor, too.
Since our elevation, however, Jane has revealed adverse feelings toward the man who rejected her.
If you know Jane at all, this is unprecedented.
And then came the onslaught of eligible young and not-so-young men clamoring to gain her favor.
She was befuddled to the point of feeling perturbed.
When she saw Mr. Bingley by chance outside of our London house, she began to think well of him again because he represented a link to the past, which was familiar and comforting.
“As for where the Colonel stands with Jane, again, I shall not betray her confidence. I can, however, tell you my own impression. The Colonel is older and has seen much of the world. Jane was fascinated by his stories of India, the West Indies, and, of course, the Continent. Bonaparte is probably one of the most consequential people of our time. The Colonel opened a previously unknown world for her, and at the same time, can guide her as a native son of the circle we now call our own. I think she feels safe with him.”
“Dearest, you are remarkable at sketching people’s characters!”
“Not yours! I got you entirely wrong. My first impressions of you led me wholly astray for several months, and then it took me another few months to finally see you for what you truly are. I am shamefaced at my having been misled by my prejudice.”
“Well, my own pride should take the larger share of the blame. If not for this exaggerated familial pride, I would have rushed back to Hertfordshire to offer for you before all this happened. Now we are separated by a chasm that we can cross only when another’s life ends.”
Mr. Darcy’s mood took a dark turn when confronted with the impossible situation he himself had put them in. Elizabeth reminded herself to be patient with him. It would take her a long time to ease him out of his feelings of guilt.
“Take heart, dearest. I am convinced it is only a matter of time before we leap over this deep gulf. You have not caused your cousin’s life to shorten.
She has been very ill. To be frank, the country girl that I was would probably have refused you if you had asked for my hand in marriage before I saw you clearly.
Now, having watched Jane struggle with finding where her heart lies, I rejoice that I have found the owner of mine. ”
Upon hearing such a sweet proclamation of love, Mr. Darcy pulled Elizabeth into a tight embrace, into which she went willingly.
After a few moments, he slowly and reluctantly moved away from his love but remained just a little too close for polite society. He lifted her gloved hand and put a feather-light kiss on her knuckles.
“My precious love, I have compromised you enough for one morning, but I could not help it. On my honor, I will go no further as far as taking liberties is concerned. When I am free, I will court you openly. There will be no mistaking my intention. For now, I am content to stay in this grove with you and shut out the world.”
Mr. Darcy looked around the grove and said, “How I shall behave as a gentleman once we are back in the world outside, God only knows.”
Elizabeth wanted to tell him she had quite enjoyed the liberties showered upon her and truly craved more, but this much impertinence was beyond the boundary of a gentlewoman, However, rules were not reality, and she was a sinner like all people on earth.
She would pray for God’s forgiveness and try her best to stay within the bounds of a platonic relationship.
So, she nodded in agreement but wanted subtly to let her lover know of her wishes.
“I count myself fortunate to have this rare opportunity to enjoy a brief interlude of intimacy with you. These few moments of pure bliss will sustain me through the weeks, months, and even years of waiting for the life I desire.”
“Dearest, if we do not leave the grove now, I am afraid we shall not leave for a long time. You have made it nearly impossible for me to honor the promise I made just minutes ago.”
“Must we?” Elizabeth batted her eyelashes coyly.
Mr. Darcy drew her close and placed a light kiss on her forehead.
“You do not want to know, dear heart.”