Chapter 21
Patterns
Duke
“You’re awful chipper this morning.” Ryder unhooks his horse from the crossties. “Any reason in particular you’re Mr. Fucking Rogers today?”
I hadn’t realized I was whistling until…well, right now.
The tune dies on my lips. That’s when I realize the base of my skull is buzzing. Jesus, even my Ryder radar can’t break through my good mood today.
My brother screws up his face. “Is that—Lord, it’s the Jonas Brothers, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“Yes, you do. Mr. Rogers would be appalled.” Ryder grins. “Boy, you got it bad.”
“Shut up.” I climb into the saddle and take the reins. Much as I loved being away for a bit, it’s nice to be back. “I told you, Wheeler and I aren’t together. She’s just staying with me so I can keep an eye on her. Make sure she’s okay. Morning sickness has hit her pretty hard.”
“So she stayed in her bed, and you—”
“Stayed in mine, yes.” Although it near about killed me. Knowing Wheeler was right there on the other side of the hall had me seriously considering all kinds of stupid shit.
Sucks to be a gentleman sometimes.
“And y’all didn’t have, like, any kind of shared shower situation or—”
“Remember that time in sixth grade when I punched you in the mouth?”
Ryder grins, and we head outside into the gray dawn. “How could I forget?”
“Let’s not have a repeat today, all right?”
“All right, all right.”
We’re quiet as we head for the southwest pasture, where we’re going to meet John B to check on some calves.
Mollie has an early doctor’s appointment this morning, so Cash is sleeping in and going with her.
He’ll be at the ranch office a little before lunch.
Wyatt and Sawyer drove over to the Rivers side of the ranch, where they’re overseeing the installation of some new irrigation.
So it’s just me and Ryder and the quiet clap of our horses’ hooves.
It’s barely past five a.m., but the horizon is already starting to turn to gray.
Spring is in full bloom. The branches of the old oaks we pass are covered in new leaves.
The ground is soft, fragrant from recent rain.
The air is cool. A breeze will keep the day from getting too hot.
It’s my favorite time of year on the ranch. Fall is branding season, so we’re always crazy busy. Winter is boring and cold, and summer is an absolute nightmare thanks to the heat.
But spring? Spring is just right. Glancing across the acres and acres of land that stretch out before us, I’m struck by just how beautiful this place is.
Dallas was pretty in its own way, with its hipster hangouts and buzzing energy.
But I love this too—the wide-open spaces, the canyons, the brush, the quiet.
I’ve always been a country boy who dreamed of the big city. I thought I’d like the city better. And I do like it.
But I like this too. No wonder I’ve had such a hard time pinning down what I want exactly. I like…everything.
Correction: maybe I like to experience everything.
New shit and familiar shit too. A combination of the two.
Is that my definition of freedom? The ability to see and feel and do it all?
Well, maybe not the ability to do it all, but the ability to live fully in the moment wherever I am.
The ability to put myself in the way of feeling this alive.
“So how’re you feeling?” Ryder asks, voice low. “You were pretty upset when you left the other day.”
I lift a shoulder. “I’m scared. Really scared. Ain’t like me to be reckless, and I hate—” My voice catches. “I’ve been worried that I made a mistake that could derail my life, as terrible as that sounds.”
“Not terrible. It’s totally understandable why you’d feel that way.”
He pauses. I realize he’s waiting for me to say something.
“But I like her, Ryder.” I pull my horse to the left to avoid what appears to be a small sinkhole. We’ll have to fill that in later. “The more time I spend with her, the more I like her. Weird thing is I can see us together. Like, together together.”
Ryder’s eyebrows pop up. “Like, get married and have a family together type shit?”
“Yeah. She’s smart and she’s cute and she’s just so interested in the world. Life with her would never be boring.” I shake my head. “But life with a baby? That might be.”
Ryder tilts his head to one side, then the other.
“Yes and no. I’m no expert, but seeing what Sawyer went through—yeah, there’s gonna be a period where you’re homebound and you’re not sleeping and it’s just a ton of work.
But now he’s kind of living his best life, and that wouldn’t be the case if Ella hadn’t come along. Life doesn’t end when you have a kid.”
Sawyer and Ava kept running into each other because their kids go to the same preschool. One thing led to another, and now they’re living together, happy as clams.
I cut him a look. “Do you want a kid?”
“One day, I do, yeah. I just haven’t found my person. Sounds like you have.”
My pulse skips several beats as his words sink in. “Wheeler’s not interested in anything serious.”
“Not even now?”
“Especially not now. Her parents got married because her mom got pregnant. Now they’re going through this really shitty divorce. Sounds like they were never really happy together. And I know Wheeler is connecting the dots.”
“Right. She thinks if y’all go down the same path, you’ll end up unhappy too.”
“Yup.”
Ryder shakes his head. “That’s tough. But she does know y’all are different people, right? Obviously, I’ve never met her parents, but somehow I doubt they had the connection you and Wheeler do.”
“You’ve seen Wheeler and me together all of, what, a handful of times?”
“Dude.” He cuts me a look.
“What?”
“It’s obvious to everyone that you and Wheeler got somethin’ special. Hell, y’all eye fuck nonstop when you’re in the same room.”
My stomach dips. “No, we don’t.”
“Then how’d she end up pregnant?”
Laughter bursts through my middle. “You do know a different kind of fucking needs to happen for that to, er, happen.”
“I know. And that kind of fucking starts with the eyes.” He uses his first two fingers to point to his. “You also ain’t ever talked about a girl this much. Ever. You get bored so easily…”
I chafe at that. “So do you.”
“It’s not a dig. Just a fact. But being with Wheeler seems to do the opposite. She energizes you. Like, she gets you excited about things.”
Bull’s-eye.
That’s exactly why I enjoy her company so much.
Exactly why I like her and could see myself falling for her.
Back in high school, I thought I was in love with a cute girl in chorus named McKenzie Stanhope.
But now I’m starting to think that wasn’t love at all.
With McKenzie, I felt like I had to follow a script—like we had to hit specific milestones at specific times.
First date, first dance, first kiss. When I suggested we veer from that script a time or two, she wasn’t interested.
Everything had to be by the book, which I found suffocating.
Lonely too.
With Wheeler, though? I don’t feel lonely.
There is no script. We’re just figuring it out as we go, deciding what feels right as we experience it.
No pretense. No pressure to be anyone other than ourselves.
I always thought relationships tied you down, but the relationship I have with Wheeler is actually…
liberating. I feel safe to be myself with her.
Is this another part of freedom? Not travel necessarily or the ability to do what I want, when I want. Maybe freedom is more about self-expression. The ability to be who I am with people who love me for it. Who see me.
In other words, is freedom simply the opposite of loneliness? Is it being seen and known and understood?
Also, how the hell did I make it to twenty-seven without ever being in love?
Does that mean it’s finally my time?
Glancing up at the sky, I can’t help but wonder what Mom would say. She’d love Wheeler, no question. Wheeler is open-minded like Mom. Curious about the world. Confident and kind and loving.
What about the baby, though? What would Mom have to say about that? I know she wouldn’t want me to sacrifice my dreams out of some misguided notion of “doing the right thing.”
What is the right thing, though? I don’t want to be lonely again.
I don’t want to come home to an empty house ever again.
I love having Wheeler there. I’m already itching for four o’clock, when the day is done and I get to go home to her.
I don’t know what we’ll do. I do know that whatever activity we decide on—TV, a porch hangout session, whatever—it’ll make me think. It’ll make me smile.
It’ll make me happy. The idea of that being my life going forward—
Yeah, doesn’t suck. And somehow, I could see a baby fitting in just fine.
“I want Wheeler,” I say quietly. “I don’t know if I want this baby. What would you do?”
Ryder is quiet for a minute. “I can’t answer that. I know you wanna do something different with your life. But have you thought about what you really want out of all that? What are you really lookin’ to get out of your time on earth? I don’t think it’s money or partying or anything like that.”
I reach up to push my hat a little farther onto my head. “It’s not.”
“I think we’re here to find our people. Look at Sawyer and Ella—our babies become our people. What if…how cool would it be if you got to travel with your babies? Maybe not when they’re, well, babies. But as they grow up, that kid could very well become your best travel buddy.”
And that’s something I’d miss out on if Wheeler and I decided not to have said kid.
The thought lands heavily on my chest in a way I’m not expecting.
“Hadn’t pictured it that way,” I manage.
“Even better if you got to travel with your babies and your girl.”
Yep, my heart leaps at the thought of Wheeler riding shotgun on every road trip I take going forward.
Of her sitting beside me on a plane, the two of us pouring our beers into those stupid plastic cups they give you while we plot how we’re gonna spend our first day in New York, Charleston, Paris, Grand Teton National Park.
Because Wheeler, as much a city girl as she is, would be just as excited to explore a European city as she would a national park.
Granted, I don’t think I could convince her to spend the night in a tent or anything, but I’m good with staying at a swanky hotel by night while hiking or fishing by day.
I’d love to teach Wheeler how to fish.
I’d love to teach my kids too.
Huh.
A slow, rolling rumble fills my ears. A beat later, I’m hit by a familiar smell I can only describe as manure mixed with dust and sweat and that distinct, tangy animal scent I know so well.
The herd is close.
“You’re getting my hopes up,” I say.
Ryder looks at me. “Isn’t that my job as your brother and best friend? Pump you the fuck up so you make good decisions?”
“Whoever said you’re my best friend?”
“Hey.” He points at me. “I know you got the hots for Wheeler, but I’ll always know you best. Don’t you dare disappear on me, ya hear?”
I laugh. “I’m going places. But I’m not going.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I’m not, like, leaving for good.”
Ryder arches a brow. “You sure about that? Feels like leaving is all you’ve talked about.”
And now I’m starting to think that maybe I can leave and I can stay. What if they’re not mutually exclusive concepts?
Just like having a kid and having freedom aren’t mutually exclusive concepts either. Sure, having a baby takes some forms of freedom away.
But I hadn’t considered that it might give you other forms of freedom in exchange. Like the freedom to be myself with my people. The freedom to explore the world with them.
The freedom to start my damn life, whatever that looks like. Because I’m not really sure I’ve been living up to this point. Sure, I go through the motions just fine. I’m good to my family. Good at my job.
But I’ve had all the “freedom” in the world when you think about it. And what the hell have I done with it? I’m alone.
That’s something Mom and Dad wouldn’t want for me.
“By the way, I’m not saying that if you decide not to have this kid, you’re making the wrong choice,” Ryder continues.
“Maybe that is the right choice at this point in your life. I just want to make sure you’re considering all angles.
We’re not getting any younger, and people like Wheeler—they don’t come around all that often. ”
I scoff. “No shit. I want to make the right call, and I want to keep Wheeler around. But I don’t want to have a kid just to make her stay, ya know?”
“I get it. You gotta get her to fall in love with you, so you gotta do what you do best.” He gives me a shit-eating grin. “Eye fuck the shit out of her.”
“Not funny.”
“Why’re you laughing, then?”
“Last time I come to you for advice.” I roll my eyes.
He trots over to give me a hard slap on the shoulder. “You know I’m just messin’. I think you just keep showing up for her, yeah? She says her family sucks, so show her how great family can be. Shouldn’t be hard, considering how fucking awesome we are—”
“There’s as good of a chance of y’all convincing Wheeler to stay as there is of y’all chasing her off.”
But Ryder just keeps grinning. “You’re lucky to have us, and you know it. I’ll turn on the charm for Wheeler no problem. Could be fun to have a two-for-one situation happen—Wyatt and Sally’s wedding is coming up, and I bet they’d let you and Wheeler join ’em up at the altar.”
My pulse spasms. Not because the idea of meeting Wheeler at the altar makes me panic.
It’s because it gets me excited.
Shit.
Just…shit.
Now I’m smiling too as we join the herd, John B waving us over to a calf and its mama.
I still haven’t figured things out, but it all seems a lot less heavy all of a sudden.