Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
Rachel could not sleep.
She sat in her bed, her fingers touching the corners of her lips ever so gently.
She had never been kissed before, and she had not expected that their first kiss was going to be as passionate as it had turned out to be. In that moment, it had felt like everything else in the world had fallen away, and nothing else mattered anymore.
She had never experienced passion like that before, but it also raised alarm bells inside her mind. How was it possible to be that attracted to someone? So much that you lose all sense of self when they’re around you?
“What on earth possessed me to go to him like that?” she groaned to herself.
Rachel had known, of course, that there were certain expectations of a wedding night.
Expectations that she had scarcely understood, let alone prepared for.
She never had a mother to tell her of such things, and while she’d overheard whispered conversations among other young women, they had been vague at best.
She had gone to Simon’s study expecting answers.
What she hadn’t expected was for him to kiss her like that. She had never felt this way before. It was a new sensation entirely, and she was not sure if it was entirely unwelcome.
It was as though her body wanted something, and then her mind cautioned her. Being around Simon made her act in ways she couldn’t explain.
In her mind, there was only one solution to all of this. She had to maintain a distance from him.
She would follow his rules. She wouldn’t ask where he went or pry into whatever work kept him so guarded. And she would certainly stay away from the attic. Wherever he drew his lines, she would respect them.
Besides, it was Simon who wanted distance between them to begin with. She would give him that.
From tomorrow onwards, she would fill her days with other activities that distracted her from the feeling of wanting to be near him.
There was an estate to manage and duties to learn. If her marriage was little more than an arrangement, then so be it. She would rise to the role of duchess, if not for Simon, then for herself and for Marina.
Marina!
It was a sobering thought to be reminded of her sister.
Her future was dependent on Rachel and the success of her marriage.
If Simon wanted her to stay out of his life, she would.
But she would make herself indispensable in every other way.
She would learn the estate, its staff, and its tenants.
She would prove herself capable and therefore, important.
So that one day, when Marina was to marry, she would have no trouble finding a suitable match for herself because her older sister would be well-connected and respected as a duchess.
Yes, that was what was for the best. But then another feeling rose inside her, and it was a much less pleasant one—one that resembled the feeling of rejection.
He had told her without mincing his words that their marriage was the only one that was held together by various rules. He had no interest in falling in love with her or even giving her an heir.
That had stung.
And that, to make matters worse, he had contradicted himself by kissing her.
Surely, that had not been the kiss of someone who wished to have nothing to do with her. But it would be foolish for her to hope for something more.
Her fingers fisted in the sheets, a mix of frustration and confusion curling in her belly. What was she supposed to do with these thoughts? What was she supposed to do with this yearning she hadn’t asked for?
It was entirely new territory for her. Rachel had never really allowed herself to want attention from anyone else, especially a man.
But the kiss had her second-guessing all that she had known. Was it possible to start wanting more for herself?
“It is better to sleep,” she told herself, letting out a shaky breath. There was little use in engaging in such fantasy. Women like her should be glad for what they have, not want more for themselves.
After tossing and turning in her bed, sleep finally came to her. But it provided no relief from the turmoil that was brewing in her mind.
Rachel was back in her father’s home. She walked down the long hallway. The walls were still occupied by the faces and portraits of her father’s side of the family—people to whom she was related by blood but shared no other similarity.
The hallway brought about the same feeling of not belonging as it had always done for her. But the sound of footsteps behind her alerted her to the fact that she was not alone here.
“Simon?” His name left her mouth without warning, before she even knew who it was. But her suspicion was confirmed when she spotted him standing there at the far edge of the corridor.
He met her gaze and gestured for her to come closer. Rachel could do little else but comply.
“What are you doing here?” she called out to him, but it appeared that her words did not reach him. Or that he simply ignored them, perhaps. Whatever it was, she kept walking towards him.
But somehow, the more steps she took towards him, the further away he seemed to be.
“Are you running away from me?” she asked him, finally. There was a hint of frustration in her voice now.
“Not at all,” came his reply. “Maybe the distance is too large.”
“But…” she said, feeling as though the words were lodged in her throat and refusing to come out properly. “But why did you call out to me then?”
“Keep walking.”
So, she did. It seemed as though she had been walking for miles by the time she finally reached him.
He greeted her with a smile.
“You should not be here,” he said to her.
“Neither should you,” Rachel was blushing now.
“Perhaps both of us have a knack for doing things that we ought not to.”
He reached out to her, and Rachel prepared herself for another kiss. But the moment his hands touched the side of her face, the room around them began to spin, and Simon was suddenly out of sight.
“Where are you?” she called out for him, panic rising in her tone now.
“I am right here, my dear,” came the reply. But it was not Simon who was speaking to her any longer.
“Mama?”
Rachel woke up with her breathing coming out in rapid spurts. Beads of sweat had formed on her forehead, and she hastily wiped them away as she came to her full senses.
“It was a dream,” she told herself, her voice now trembling. “Nothing more.”
But it had left behind a mark. Even in her dreams, she was being visited by those she had lost. And those she could not ever fully have.