12. Chapter Twelve
Chapter Twelve
Jonah
I cant say that Ive played anyone over the age of forty over the course of my career thus far, but I didnt think living a believably geriatric life would be this difficult. Im blaming it on the fact that Im not a method actor and I never have to stay in character this long. How do old people hold their phones? I ask under my breath, adjusting my grip for the third time since pulling my phone out of my pocket. Richie sent another text right as we got onto Main Street, and there are enough people out and about that Im feeling self-conscious.
I was fine at the diner, but the longer Im with June, the harder this becomes. I can barely focus on my role when shes sitting all prim and proper on a bench next to me, watching a couple of squirrels fight over a peanut.
Shes adorable.
I dont know, June murmurs, glancing at the phone in my hand. Hold it up close and dont use your thumb to swipe?
Doing as she suggests, I use my pointer finger to finally open the text, though its impossible to read when its this close to my face.
June snorts a laugh. Hows that cross-eyed look working for you?
Its not. Thanks for asking. Shifting the phone a little farther, I read through the text and summarize it for June, keeping my voice low. Hes pretty sure there are at least three people knocking things over and throwing pebbles, but they havent caught any of them yet. One of them might have been on a bike because they left tracks.
Someone passes our bench, so I lock my screen and drop my phone onto my lap, as if the thing might blow my cover. Old people have phones. My mom was addicted to one of those candy puzzle games one winter and tried to get all of us to download it so we could be friends in the app. But for some reason, having a phone in my hand makes me feel young, and I need all the help focusing as I can get.
A bike? June asks as soon as were relatively aloneDexter is fully focused on a phone call right now on the other side of the street, barely paying attention to us. One of the squirrels gains control of the peanut and runs off, and June turns to face me now that her entertainment is gone. That narrows things down a bit, but not as much as you might think. This town is small enough that plenty of people dont use their cars unless they have to.
So, the opposite of LA, I mutter. Im glad were not trying to solve a mystery back home.
Your home.
Oof, I dont like how quickly she made that distinction. Have something against big cities? I ask, even if its not the question I really want answered. We havent known each other long enough for me to realistically wonder if she would consider moving to California, though Id be lying if I said I havent thought about it more than once since leaving the diner.
I dont know how this woman has gotten under my skin so easily, but I cant say that Im mad about it. If anyone were to make me consider settling down, Id want it to be someone like June. Someone on even footing with me who can match my steps and make me feel normal.
Im not against all cities, June says slowly. Please say Denver is the only one you hate . Ive never been to Los Angeles, but it looks
Exciting?
Crowded.
Disappointment floods through me, but I hide it behind a smirk. Maggie, darling, sometimes I wonder how you and I ended up together when we are so different. Ah, that was the wrong thing to say, and I hold my breath as several different emotions cross her face. Did I put a nail in the coffin of our potential as a couple?
She presses her lips together, eyes guarded. Taking a breath, she reaches over and grabs my hand, speaking to our clasped fingers rather than to my face. Different isnt always a bad thing.
My breath hitches. Some would argue different is a great thing sometimes. Different can help you grow and experience new things. Different can bring excitement to a life that seems to be severely lacking in that department.
June lets out a heavy sigh. But different also lives far away.
Did she just say? My heart thrums in my chest, almost painful. Different doesnt want to think about that right now, I say and squeeze her hand.
Lifting her eyes to meet mine, she quirks her lips up in a tentative smile. I know that feeling.
How am I supposed to concentrate on a faux ghost when Im desperate to have a conversation with this woman and hash out our chances of making something work? Even if its a temporary relationship, I would be all for seeing where things go. But I dont want to spook her any more than shes already been spooked, so Im going to table this for now and try to remember that Im playing a role right now. Im not Jonah James.
Im Martin Smith.
It was a bad idea to suggest using my middle name for this.
Lets let Richie handle the ghost on wheels, I say softly, squeezing Junes hand again. You and I have a grocery date to get to.
Using my cane, I push myself to my feet, remembering my phone in my lap only when it clatters to the sidewalk in front of me. The screen lights up, revealing the picture of my family on my lockscreen.
Oh, let me get that for you! someone says, and panic shoots through me.
Right as a teenage kid reaches for the lit up phone, I step on it and wince when I hear the crunch. Oh! I say, feigning alarm. Oh my, did I just put my foot in the wrong place again?
Youre good at that, dear, June says, rising to stand next to me.
The poor kid who came to my aid touches my arm. Here, he says, nudging me back a step. When he picks up the cracked phone, half of the screen is distorted. Oh, uh, I think it might be broken.
No kidding. At least he cant see me in the picture
Clumsy me, I say, forcing a laugh. Thats the third phone Ive broken this year.
June tucks her arm through mine, shaking her head. I cant take you anywhere, Martin.
The teenager gives me a look of sympathy as he hands me the broken phone. Sorry I wasnt faster.
Not only is Dexter going to kill me for breaking my phone in the middle of nowhere, but now Ive gone and made this kid feel guilty when he was trying to help an old man. Stowing the phone in my pocket, I put my hand on the kids shoulder and smile. Oh, it wasnt your fault. Like I said, Im the clumsy one here. Thank you.
He smiles and turns to go, but his eyes snag on June, pulling him to a stop. Frowning, he looks at her for a long moment before nodding to us both and continuing on his way.
June lets out a soft curse.
I raise my eyebrows. Okay, wow, I wouldnt have expected a word like that from a gal like you.
I think Herman might have recognized me, she says, her arm tightening around mine.
Who names their kid Herman?
She jabs her elbow into my side. Focus! I deliver groceries to Hank every Thursday, and Herm
Whoa, you do what for Hank? She did not just say what I think she said.
June gives me an exasperated smile, and I swear her whole bearing lightens at the mention of the authors name. I bring him his groceries.
Something heavy settles in my gut. Cant the guy get his own groceries? Hes a grown man, isnt he? Or is he one of those guys who cant do anything for himself?
Groaning, she tugs me to an alley not far from where we were sitting. Hopefully the shadows will hide us from prying eyes, since I get the feeling Im about to get a lecture for judging the author. Do you seriously not like Hank? she says, keeping her voice low. You dont even know him.
I cant stop my nose from wrinkling. What reasons do I have to like the guy? I know hes not good enough for Bonnie. Or you .
Thats absolutely not true.
Bonnie is basically perfect, but we can get into that later. Im more concerned about the fact that June doesnt see my issue. You own your own business! Why are you making deliveries for a guy who should be capable of getting his own
Why are you making a big deal out of this?
I think youre doing too much for a guy you claim you dont have feelings
Hes my best friend, Jonah. June bunches her hands into fists, shaking her head as she looks up at me. If I didnt deliver his groceries every week, he would spend his entire life without human contact, and I hate that for him because he went through something horrible before coming here and the guy needs someone whos willing to put in a little effort so he doesnt fade into oblivion. Just drop the groceries thing, okay?
Its not about the groceries! I groan and go to run a hand through my hair, but I cant because theres a bald cap in the way. And this alley is smaller than I thought it was, with high walls closing in around us.
June scoffs. Then what is it about?
How can she not understand when she just talked about the guy like hes the best part of her life? Its about you being sweet on Hank when hes not
Not what, Jonah? And who said I was sweet on him? Hes a friend!
I gesture toward her, pressing my other hand over my racing heart. You said! And your body language. You obviously like him.
Of course I do!
I groan as a sharp pain hits my chest. Its different from my usual panic, and I dont like it. I need to get out of this space. Away from this conversation. Can we just go
No, we need to talk about this. Junes glare is almost as sharp as whatever is pinching my ribcage. I told you Hank is a friend. Thats all he is.
I huff a laugh. She wouldnt be this defensive if that was true. And if shes in love with Hank, where does that leave me? Sure.
If you cant trust me about this, then what else will you refuse to believe? Her expression hardens as she stares at me. At least now I know Jealous Jonah is kind of an ass.
Im not I cut myself off, feeling like Ive been slapped in the face as soon as I process her words. Jealous . Cursing, I take a couple of steps toward the alley entrance, trying to breathe. Is this what jealousyreal jealousyfeels like? I hate it. June. I cant even bring myself to look at her as reality sinks in. Im
We should head to the grocery store before it gets too late.
I grab her arm before she passes, and she stiffens. June, Im sorry. When her stormy eyes jump to my hand, I let go of her arm and take a step back. Its as much to give her space as it is to gain some space for myself so I can ease some of this tension weighing down my lungs. I need to think clearly, and I cant do that when Im stuck in a narrow alley. I didnt mean What didnt I mean? I dont think any of the things I said about Hank were things Im not feeling; I meant all of it. But I hate the way shes refusing to look up at me. Humility doesnt always come easy for me, but if ever there was a time to swallow my pride I swear under my breath. You were right. Im jealous.
Good for you. The words are icy.
I need to explain myself, but I dont know how. Its not I hate that hes known you longer than a couple of weeks.
June looks up, her eyebrows furrowed. What?
I want that. Those three words slam into me as I speak them. I dont know if Ive ever wanted anything more. June, theres so much I want to know about you. Things he probably knows.
Because hes my friend , she snaps. Not some random guy for you to tear down because you dont like the timing of things.
Thats not I groan again and grip my cane with both hands, as if that might help me feel stable when it feels like the world is shifting beneath my feet. Im sorry. Forget what I said. It doesnt matter how you feel about Hank. Thats a bald-faced lie, but if shes holding a torch for the guy, theres not much I can do. Were already from two different worlds, which makes this hard enough.
June rolls her eyes. It feels like it matters.
Only because Im Stopping myself from finishing that sentence, I hold my breath as the realization washes over me. Because Im falling for you . And Im terrified that this woman is going to break me. Im not the kind of guy who gets hung up on a woman. Im married to my job, and most relationships Ive been in have been casual because I can never trust my partners true intentions.
Am I willing to risk heartbreak for a woman who may only be in my life for a few short weeks? With my parents getting older and Mom being as sick as she has been, Im already having to prepare for loss, and Im not sure Im ready to face it on the romantic side of my life on top of my family. I want to trust June, I really do, but its not that easy.
This isnt the kind of thing I can admit. Not right now. But I have to say something . My words come out quiet, lacking any of my usual confidence. Theres something in me telling me I cant walk away from this I gesture between us without seeing where it goes.
Clenching her jaw, June looks out at the street, watching people and cars pass with an expression I cant read. It sure isnt a happy one. I dont know if it can go anywhere, Jonah.
Dont say that . As something in me cracks, I cant find the will to speak those words out loud.
Desperate to keep her from walking away and ending this here and now, I say the first thing that comes to mind. What were you saying about Herman before?
I can practically see the war behind her eyes as her lips press together and her eyebrows pull low. Part of her wants to leave, while the other is still determined to solve the stupid mystery. Its the second part that wins out. Herman does most of the grocery deliveries, she says, her eyes falling to the ground at her feet. And since I deliver Hanks stuff, Herman has always kind of hated me because he thinks hes missing out on a great tip.
And he might have recognized her just now, which wouldnt be good for us. Who knows who he might tell about our disguises?
Come on, she says. Well have to hope Herman isnt heading to work right now because were running out of daylight and dont have time to waste.
Its only three.
She ignores me and starts walking down the sidewalk, her steps slow and uncertain and a weariness in the set of her shoulders. She looks the part of an old woman more than ever right now, and its my fault.
How do I fix this?
Do I want to fix it? Its not like my life is conducive to a relationship, especially with someone far away, and I dont want to always be wondering if June is interested in another guy. Hank or otherwise. It would be easier to give up before I get hurt. Before I hurt her by never being around.
Mr. Smith! June calls. Shes gotten farther than I realized and is looking back at me where I stand at the mouth of the alley. Shes too far to read her expression, but her annoyance is clear in her voice. I messed things up when I talked crap about Hank, and I have two choices.
I can keep us at an emotional distance, accepting that this thing between us wont go anywhere like she said, or I can find the will to be vulnerable and admit how I really feel in the hopes that June and I can keep getting to know each other better even after I leave Colorado.
My head says the chance of a future for us is slim to none, especially after the argument we just had, but my heart? My heart is hopeful, and thats dangerous. Hope tends to lead to hurt.
Coming, Mrs. Smith! I call back to her, and with the way those words slide over my tongue like hot chocolate, I have a feeling my direction has already been chosen for me.
There is no world in which I want to stop calling her that, and that terrifies me.