Chapter 28 Smells Like Petrichor
Datu
I feel her as soon as she steps into my forest.
Before raiding the coast, I have decided to arrange the flowers on the altar I made for her.
I plan on taking her with me—willingly or not.
I know the altar will change her mind. I want it to look immaculate before showing it to her.
I want her to accept it. Maybe she will decide to stay and work through the difficult times with me here.
I’ve been guilty of feeling resigned when the rain came, but new hope bloomed in me when I found my hearts had grown two sizes bigger.
All of them were embedded in the trees, buried with the roots, hung from branches.
She saw them, and I fed them to her. Every time she consumes one, many more grow in their place.
I am abundant with hearts, and all of them, I will give to her so she stays.
Eagerly, I await for her on the steps. The starflies seek her, lighting the path toward me, holding a heart in my Terra form.
When she steps out of the shadows, the first thing I notice is her red-rimmed eyes. She has been crying.
Dropping the heart, I rush forward, holding her close to me.
“Who hurt you? I will eat them.”
She doesn’t sniffle as her eyes fill with tears again. She looks into my eyes, and I am struck once again how easily she can do this. Nobody has ever been able to look me in the eyes and remain sane.
“No one.” She rasps. I know she is lying. “I asked the trees to help me find you.”
“They will obey anything you say.”
“Where were you, Datu? Why weren’t you there when I woke up?” She sees the look on my face and continues, “Did I mean so little to you that you didn’t bother to come look for me?”
“Of course not, I had thought to abduct you after I prepared the altar.”
Finally, her eyes see what is behind me. She reacts automatically, unexpectedly. I foresaw elation, happiness—not this wracking sobbing like I had just done her a great wrong. She balls her hands to her chest while I wrap my arms around her.
Hushing her is impossible, so I just let her cry. The forbidden thrumming begins as my hearts expand. Is this how I pass on? From feeling too much?
“Ssssh, I made this forest for you. This altar for you. Not even for me. For you. And no one can take it away.” Pressing my lips on top of her head.
She’s sweaty and smells like other males, but she’s been in the ship with plenty of them.
I hate this feeling it brings me—a ferocious rage so unlike any other emotion I’ve tasted.
“A forest can’t grow overnight.” She whimpers.
“I can make it happen.” I almost shake her. I am…desperate to stop her tears. Something feels wrong and it is leaving me choked up. “It’s me, sweet girl, I’m a god.” Right now, my words sound more like lamentation. A plea for credence.
Her nose flares as she looks away. A heart drops in front of her from the tree. I pick it up, holding it out to her.
“Have you eaten today?”
Shaking her head, she steps back. “I’ve been told not to eat anything you give me.” Her hand drops to her belly. “You were drugging me?”
I know the tone of her voice. The empty indignation. Dismayed, I realize she is finding ways to hate me. Grasping at straws over things that she doesn’t think matters.
“Yes. I wanted you all to myself. I was going to have you one way or another.” Willingly or unwillingly, I want to add, but hold my tongue. It is not the right time to give her more legitimate reasons to despise me.
“All organic, huh?” She sounds bitter, mocking, slamming away the heart I am offering. “Can you even wrap your mind around what you’ve done, Datu? How you did me so fucking wrong?”
Her eyes have grown wide, blood-shot in betrayal.
Right now, she is truly mad. “There is one thing I hate more than the dark, and it is people who deliberately make me think I’m insane so they can live an oblivious cushy life.
” She holds her hands out to scratch my face, but keeps it hovered, quivering with tension.
I won’t blame her if she does it. I think I deserve worse.
“And now, I’m having memories of things that should have made sense. Memories that could have driven me to make a better life out of myself. Memories that could have helped me grow out of this…”
The conversation has taken a turn for the worst, and her accusations cut deep. Deeper than I am prepared for.
“Grow out of what?”
“This…fear. This unreasonable need to please everyone around me. This standstill.”
“This conversation should be more for your mother, not me.”
“Yes! Let’s blame the fucking human since they are the inferior ones. And—according to you—you are a god. You are beyond accountability on your Tower of Babel.”
And just like me, she is also a hypocrite. “The problem with you, Xiaoyu, is you keep chasing dreams that aren’t yours. You expect to find yourself in the shadow of others, but you do not recognize the light when it shines your way.”
“What light, Datu? You?” She hisses incredulously. “You really think you are a prophecy.”
Maybe I am full of myself, and it is that crippling doubt again that makes me defensive. To swing axes, as Xiaoyu puts it.
“Xiaoyu, please, I know it has been difficult, but we can talk calmly tomorrow. Let the fire settle. I even made a nest for you. A bed where you can sleep—”
“I’m going home, Datu. Tonight.”
The thunderheads gather, lighting the sky for a fraction of a second before it explodes. The sky cracks open like it’s my chest gushing out all the pain I feel.
“I do not understand.”
Xiaoyu chokes as she hugs herself, cold under the pelting rain. “I’m leaving you. Leaving this place altogether. I’m never coming back.” Her words feel hollow, but it hits me like a tidal wave.
I cannot catch my breath. She has completely caught me off-guard. My hearts are shriveling. I feel it in me. It feels like climbing up a cliff face only to fall when a rock breaks. Completely out of my control.
“It is the way of the humans, yes?” I say bitterly. “They raze everything in their path and leave destruction behind. You trample on everything and care for nothing.”
Her eyes light up with anger, but before she can say anything, I call onto the serpents. I command them to get her out of my sight before I beg for her to stay. Looking at her brings too much pain.
The worst thing about being able to repress memories of others is I cannot do the same to myself.
I keep their memories as well as I keep mine.
It is why I keep everything under lock and key.
Beneath the void is simmering regret. I will always remember.
When she steps on that ship, it is her excruciating memory that will sustain Esoterra.
Thankfully, the rain hides the tears that have fallen from my eyes. It is fresh, and it smells of petrichor.
I know Sateva is behind all of this, so when she comes, I already know what she will ask.
“How are you feeling, my brother?”
I do not lie. “Like I’m dying.”