Echoes of Us

Chapter 5

CHAPTER

FIVE

BEFORE

A fter the party, Noah started texting me semi-regularly. At first, he began slowly, sending me volleyball articles or similar things. I’d see his name pop up on my phone, and my heart would do a little flip. Then he started asking what I was doing or what I thought about something. Sometimes, he’d stop for days and then return to the last question I had asked, offering no explanations. Each time I saw his message, a mix of excitement and anxiety churned in my stomach.

His presence was like a magnet, pulling my attention even when I tried to focus on drills. Colin and Ezra hovered around me whenever Noah was present, and no matter how much I asked them to stop, they kept doing it. They even forced me to go to a couple of parties but didn’t leave my side or even talk to girls if they spotted Noah.

Noah invited me over to his place, too, but the thought of it still made me uncomfortable, even if I did want to see him. Whenever he saw me around campus, he would wave hello before returning to his friends. It was frustrating, like we were friends, but at the same time, there was something wedged between us, keeping us apart.

As the next tournament approached, he stopped coming to practices again. I stopped seeing him, and his texts became more sporadic, making me panic. Maybe this was him starting to disappear from my life. After all, we had nothing holding us together. I either had to accept an invitation to his house or ask him out in a friendly capacity.

I sat on my bed, looking at my phone. He had texted me that day. He didn’t ask me to go to a party, so maybe he didn’t have one to go to. Colin and Ezra had plans, so they wouldn’t be harassing me. I kept looking down at it. Fuck it.

Me

are you doing anything today?

I sent it and my heart raced. I did it. Well, sort of.

Noah Rossi

nothing set in stone

why?

I bit my lip.

Me

I don’t know

maybe we could do something?

Noah Rossi

like what?

I stared at it. I had no idea.

Noah Rossi

what do you normally do?

Me

play volleyball

Noah Rossi

hahahahaha

I smiled down at the phone. At least I could make him laugh.

Noah Rossi

atty

like apart from that and school.

Me

apart from being forced to go to parties?

Noah Rossi

yeah

what do you like to do?

See you, my head supplied unhelpfully. I felt embarrassed even thinking about writing that.

Me

I have a PlayStation in my room

that’s mostly what I do with my free time

Colin and Ezra usually joined me, but I had never actually asked them to play with me. They just showed up and did it.

Noah Rossi

we could do that

Shit. Noah in my room. I glanced at my bed and the desk chair. These were the only available options as far as seating was concerned. Knowing Noah, he would probably claim the bed as soon as he walked in.

I smiled to myself.

Me

if it’s not too boring for you

Noah Rossi

I can do boring

I let out an amused huff.

Me

cool

I’ll get us something to eat

Noah Rossi

this feels a lot like high school

I have to ask my mom if I can stay out late

I laughed out loud.

Me

fuck off

Noah Rossi

what time do you want me there?

Me

whenever

Noah Rossi

send me your location

I’ll be right over.

He sent that, and my heart felt like it was jumping out of my chest. Fuck.

I sent it to him, jumped towards my closet, and considered changing. I regarded myself in the mirror. I wore sweatpants and a white T-shirt. It was casual, but it was okay. It wasn’t like we were going out. I looked at the shirt and raised an eyebrow at my reflection. I pulled it off and grabbed another one. It was a little older, more comfortable, and tighter around my shoulders. Was that too much? I pulled it off and put the other one on again. I shook my head at my reflection.

Noah knocked at my door an hour later. I’d worn the older shirt after going back and forth five times. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door. He smiled, holding up a few bags of chips. He was here, in my space, and suddenly, the room felt a little smaller, the air a little thicker.

“Hey, come in,” I said, moving aside to let him walk in.

He glanced around, taking it in.

“It’s not much,” I admitted, feeling self-conscious.

Noah wore a hoodie and jeans, his casual campus clothes, not his usual weekend getup. I kind of missed those. He always showed a lot more skin.

“It’s a dorm, Atty,” he said with a smile.

I closed the door behind him. He placed the chips on the bed and sat down.

“I ordered a pizza and got a six-pack,” I told him.

“How did you get a six-pack? Aren’t you eighteen?” he asked with a laugh.

I tilted my head. “They didn’t card me.”

“Of course, they don’t fucking card you,” he said, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’ll have one, thanks.”

I bent down to get it and handed it to him. I thought about it for a second before opening one for myself. I sat on the floor by the bed, turning on the PlayStation and handing him a controller.

“Where are your supervisors?” he asked.

“Out,” I told him.

His smile grew slightly, but he didn’t say anything more. I couldn’t settle down.

“What do you want to play?” I asked.

He raised one shoulder casually. He unzipped his hoodie and kicked off his shoes. He was wearing that damn sleeveless shirt again, and I forced myself to look away. He laid on the bed, looking at the screen and drinking his beer.

“Whatever you usually play. Do you mind if I put music on?” he asked.

I shook my head. I set up the game while he synced his phone to my speakers. An upbeat song started to play through the room, breaking some of the tension.

An hour later, he was screaming at me, sitting cross-legged on the bed and jumping up and down. The awkwardness had definitely left the building.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do? They’re shooting at me!” he said, shaking my shoulder.

“I’m trying to cover for you, but you keep running away like a maniac. Can you just stay still?” I told him.

He guffawed loudly and kept running. “It’s not working. Your plan isn’t working, Atty,” he accused.

I broke into a wide grin. “Because you’re not following it.” I pulled the controller from his hand, forcing him to stay still.

“Hey! Give that back.”

I let it fall on my lap and held him back with one arm while I played with my other hand, running towards him. “You’re on a timeout, Noah.”

He threw himself on me to get the controller, making me fall to the floor. I could still play with one hand while holding him back.

“Atty, they’re going to kill me,” he complained.

“No, I got it, I’m here,” I said, reaching him. I stopped holding him back and used both hands to keep playing and shooting at the players targeting him. I glanced at Noah, but he glared at me with a smirk. “Do something,” I told him, and he grabbed his controller.

They still managed to kill him despite my best efforts .

“This game sucks,” he said, frowning.

“You suck.”

He kicked me playfully. I placed the controller down and reached for another beer to hand him. We had already gone through the six-pack, and I felt a little lightheaded.

“I resent that. This is a team game. I’m only as strong as my weakest player,” he said, taking a drink.

“You’re the weakest player.”

He let out a hearty chuckle, leaning back on the bed with his legs crossed as I sat up. Noah’s playlist was still playing softly in the background, and I noticed the little gold chain around his neck had come out. It probably happened when he pounced on me. He was usually good about keeping it tucked in.

“You always have that on,” I said.

He glanced down at himself and grabbed it. “Yeah, it was my dad’s.” He had never mentioned his dad to me before. I don’t know what face I was making, but he smiled a little. “It’s okay, you can ask about it.”

“What happened?”

“He got cancer and died,” he said bluntly.

“I’m sorry.”

His eyes flickered away as he put the chain back under his shirt. “It’s okay.”

“You don’t like to talk about it,” I said.

“Not really. It’s a conversation stopper for sure. We weren’t really close until he was diagnosed, but he died a year later, so I guess we still weren’t close.”

“What about your mom?”

He sighed. “She’s a wreck. We don’t really get along.”

“You don’t have brothers or sisters?”

“I have an older sister, but she lives abroad. We’re not close either.”

My heart hurt. So he was just alone?

“Could you not look at me like that?” He was serious, more serious than I had ever seen him. There was no trace of a smile on his face.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have much control over what I do with my face,” I told him, making him smile a little.

“That’s for fucking sure.” He let out a laugh.

“It’s okay to be sad about it, though. It’s a sad thing that happened,” I told him.

He closed his eyes. “Thanks,” he said, so softly I almost missed it.

“What about the ring?”

He didn’t always wear it, but sometimes he had it on his pinky.

“The family crest my dad gave me when I graduated. He got it from his great-grandfather. He was Italian,” he explained, taking it off and handing it to me.

“Your family is Italian?” I asked. I handed him his ring back and he placed it carefully back on.

“Originally, I guess. I’m Argentinian. We moved to the States when I was nine,” he told me. That explained the Spanish.

“That’s pretty cool.”

“What about your family, Atty?”

“What about them?”

He took another drink of his beer. “I’ve only ever heard you talk about your mom.”

“It’s pretty much just my mom and me. My parents split when I was ten. I still see him. We’re just not close,” I told him.

“How come?” he wanted to know.

“I take after him.We’re not the best communicators.”

He snorted with amusement. He pushed back on the bed, lying down and looking at the ceiling. It was surreal seeing him here.

“Do you mind if I smoke?”

I shrugged. “This dorm always smells like weed. Go for it.”

He rolled back on his front, pulled out a joint, and lit it. I hated how good he looked doing that.

“Do you want to?” he asked me.

I thought about Colin and Ezra again. It’s not like I wanted to do it. I just liked him getting closer to me when I did. I agreed. I moved closer to the bed, leaning my back on it. He handed it to me, and I took a drag, then fell into a coughing fit. He patted my back again.

“I thought it got better,” I told him.

He smirked slightly, grabbing it again and taking a drag. His hand stayed on my shoulder. If only for those touches, it would have been worth it. He took another drag and crushed the tip on an empty can. He leaned on his hand, resting his elbow on the edge of the bed, and I turned a little to face him. He was close but didn’t move or take his hand back. I drank my beer.

“Better?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess.”

His eyes were still focused, though he seemed more relaxed. I watched them running over my face, taking in every detail. His gaze was intense, almost like he was trying to read my thoughts. He moved his hand and reached for my hair, his eyes following the movement with an almost hypnotic focus. A pit formed in my stomach, and I tried to force myself not to flinch away from the contact.

He started hesitantly, almost waiting for me to pull back, and then he went from just touching it to tangling his fingers in it and keeping them there. The sensation of his fingers threading through my hair was unexpectedly soothing. It felt nice. I sighed, and his smile grew a little, warming his entire face.

“Thanks for inviting me over, Atty. I don’t usually do things like this. It’s been nice,” he said as he stroked my hair gently. His voice was softer, more intimate .

“This is what I normally do. You can come over whenever you like,” I told him.

His eyes met mine. A jolt went through me. He was so close. Noah’s eyes were beautiful. They looked like the leaves when it was turning into fall, a burnt, light green with specks of gold and brown. I had never been close enough to notice that or how his dark lashes made them look brighter in contrast.

“Do you mind that?” he asked.

“What?”

He put a little more pressure on his fingers as they moved through my hair.

“No,” I told him. What was this? What was he doing? My heart wouldn’t sit still.

“You don’t usually let people this close,” he said, his voice lower but somehow louder in the quiet room.

“You’re different,” I managed to say.

One corner of his lips pulled upwards. “Am I?”

“Yeah,” I replied as he smiled.

His eyes strayed from mine, moving lower on my face. He ran his tongue over his lip again. It was such a simple gesture, but it made my breath hitch. Suddenly, I was free-falling, making a choked sound without meaning to.

His eyes snapped to mine. The smile faded from his lips, his eyes widening with an expression I couldn’t decipher. I had no idea what he saw in my face, but his fingers stopped moving, and his expression broke. It was like looking at a mask falling off. He was overwhelmed, and it made him appear younger, more vulnerable. Why? What did I do?

“Atty,” he whispered, shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

“What?” I asked, my voice barely holding together.

I could change anything and give it to him, whatever he wanted. Anything to make him look at me like he did a moment ago. I was overcome with the urge to lean closer to him, to close the distance.

He let out a little strangled laugh and his eyes fell away from me. His hand dropped from my hair. No. The loss of contact felt like a physical blow.

He pushed himself up, sitting back on the bed. He cleared his throat, the moment shattered. I sat there looking at the spot he had vacated, my chest aching. I should have just leaned closer.

I closed my eyes. Why did I have to be such an idiot with these things?

“Do you want to play something else?” His voice was strained.

I pressed my lips together, trying to hold back the frustration. I nodded and heard him sigh.

What did I do wrong?

He stopped texting for a while. He stopped showing up for practice too. I searched for him around campus, but I didn’t see him. This was my fault. I knew it was. If I could just understand what he saw on my face, I could take it back. Being that close to him, having him in my room, remembering in excruciatingly precise detail how his arms looked in that shirt while he held the controller, was driving me crazy. I had no idea how to stop thinking about him. I stopped saying no to parties, hoping I would run into him, and tried to ignore Colin’s and Ezra’s faces when they noticed me looking around. I didn’t tell them about having Noah over or how much we had been talking until then.

Then, one day, he was just back. He showed up for practice and acted like he had been there the day before, like we had been talking this whole time. Something had changed. I noticed him looking at me. I’d focus on playing, and when I turned, he would be watching me, quickly averting his gaze. He wouldn’t come close to me, and his touchiness had subsided quite a bit. He was the most confusing person I had ever met.

Still, he asked us to go to a party at his house after a few days. Ezra refused again before I could get a word in. That day, after we left practice, Noah texted me, saying he hoped I could make it. I sat in my room with the TV on for an hour before I gave up and shut it off. Colin and Ezra left to hang out with their friends at a party I refused to attend.

It was now or never.

I changed and went to his apartment alone. I could take care of myself. It’s not like I needed them there to protect me. Still, the anxiety of going up there alone gripped my chest tightly. It was just like the last time—a smoke-filled room with loud music and sweating bodies. I walked around, hoping to spot him. Holly found me first.

“The mighty Atticus,” she said.

I turned to her with a grateful smile. It was nice seeing someone I knew here. “Hi, Holly,” I said, and she smiled back.

“How are you doing? Did you come with Col?”

“No, just me,” I told her.

Her smile fell slightly.

“Is Noah around?” I asked.

She pursed her lips, looking a little uncomfortable. Maybe it was weird I had come here without Colin.

“Yeah, he’s around. Do you want to get something to drink?” Holly asked.

I stayed with Holly and the rest of their friends, trying to talk to her and not seem like I was just looking around, waiting to see him. I didn’t think she was buying it.

Then I saw him.

Noah, in all his shirtless glory, danced between a couple of people. His jeans were hanging low on his hips, and too many hands ran over him. His eyes were closed, and he was smiling, throwing his head back, creating an attractive arch in his body. His smooth skin glistened with sweat under the low lights, highlighting the lines of his muscles and the small tattoo on his hip.

He was thinner than I expected. The music was fast paced, but he was moving slowly, almost lazily. He looked fantastic, and at the same time, there was something incredibly off-putting about the whole thing. It was as if he wasn’t standing there, inside his body. He reached his hand to his face, pressing the palm of his hand on his nose and holding it there before letting go and biting down on his lip. He ran his hands through his hair and said something to the girl dancing before him. His eyes, usually so vibrant, seemed dull, almost lifeless.

“Atticus?” Holly said.

I turned to the sound of her voice. “Sorry. What?”

She turned towards Noah, then hunched her shoulders. “I don’t think he thought you were coming tonight. He’s a little out of it,” she explained.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

She just shrugged again. I looked back at him. His eyes were half-lidded, and he ran his tongue over his lips. One of the hands over him grabbed his chain, and he pushed it off with an annoyed look. I hated the way they were touching him. The scene felt surreal, as if I were watching someone else entirely—someone I didn’t know.

“Maybe I should go. Thanks for hanging out with me,” I said, pushing off the couch.

“Atticus, wait,” she shouted over the music.

I turned towards her and then looked back at Noah. He was looking right at me. He’d stopped dancing. His eyes, even in their haze, found mine, and for a moment, everything else blurred out.

“Bye,” I said and turned to leave.

I pushed through the crowd and managed to make it into the elevator. The doors were about to close, but a hand stopped them. The doors opened again, and Noah stood there looking at me. He walked in.

“Hey, you didn’t say hi.” His hair was a tousled mess, and his eyes were frantic and unfocused at the same time.

He swayed slightly and held a hand on the wall to steady himself. I had seen my share of drunk people at parties. I knew this wasn’t it. I didn’t know what he was on, but he seemed so out of it, it was hard to watch.

I looked away from him, feeling a knot tighten in my stomach. “Sorry,” I said.

He stepped closer to me unsteadily. “Why are you leaving?”

“This isn’t my scene, Noah, you know that,” I told him, looking at the wall, anywhere but at him.

“So, why come at all?”

The door opened, and I tried to move past him, but he pushed me back.

“I want to leave, Noah,” I told him, but he smiled, shaking his head.

“No, you don’t.” He moved closer, grabbed my wrists, and placed my hands on his back.

I flinched, feeling his skin. He was sweating. He pushed himself closer to me, looking up. This felt wrong, but at the same time, it was Noah. I wanted to touch him like this. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t really him.

“Noah,” I warned, fighting the urge to push him back and pull him closer at the same time.

“Do you really want me to stop? Because you look at me an awful lot for someone who doesn’t want to touch me,” he said.

My eyes nearly popped from my head.

His smile stretched. “What? You think I don’t know how much you want me?” he whispered. He let go of my wrists and placed his hands on my hips, pushing me backward. “ So what’s it going to be, Atty?” He moved closer, pushing himself over me and walking me to the wall. His body felt too hot against mine. “Are you going to have me? Or should I go back upstairs and let someone else have a go at it?”

Suddenly, I had a very clear idea of what Noah whispered in the ears of the girls who stood too close to him. I shook my head, feeling a surge of anger and sadness.

“No,” I told him, hoping I sounded firm.

“No, what?” His smile was still flirty and perfect. I really wanted him, but not like this.

I moved my hands to his shoulders, pushing him back. “I’m not doing this. Bye, Noah.” I moved away from him, pushing the elevator doors open, and walking out.

“Too bad. I would much rather it be you.”

I turned to look at him, but the doors closed. I placed a hand over my chest. My heart was beating in the worst way. I wanted to go back upstairs and make him leave, take him away from this, whatever the hell that was. He shouldn’t be up there. He shouldn’t be doing that to himself.

I left the building, the cold night air hitting my face like a slap.

I had to remind myself to keep walking, each step feeling heavier than the last.

I could barely sleep that night, replaying everything in my head over and over. Noah’s face kept flashing before my eyes—the haunted look, the way his eyes seemed to plead for something I couldn’t understand. It was like he was another person. The Noah I knew hadn’t been there yesterday. The conversation with Colin, who had explained the two Noahs to me, now made so much sense, but it didn’t make me feel any better .

The next day, he called me. Four times. I finally answered, and when I did, he let out a sigh of relief.

“Hey,” he breathed out on the phone.

“Hey,” I replied.

Silence.

“Atty, I’m so sorry about last night.”

I closed my eyes, unsure of what to say, so I stayed silent.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry,” he repeated.

I stared at the ceiling, my chest tightening. “You know it’s probably not my place to say anything about this, but it really hurt seeing you like that,” I told him honestly.

“I know it got a little out of hand?—”

“I’m guessing it usually gets a little out of hand,” I interrupted.

He paused before speaking again. “I shouldn’t have said what I did to you. I’m sorry about that,” Noah said, his voice edged with annoyance, almost as if he was frustrated with me.

“Consider it forgotten,” I said, knowing my tone was cold.

He took a deep breath. “Are you mad at me?” he asked, sounding upset.

My eyes slipped shut and I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see it. “I don’t get you, Noah,” I said quietly. “You’re so fucking confusing.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I know,” he said, sounding genuinely remorseful.

“Do you want to be my friend? Is that what you want?” I asked, my voice softening slightly.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Then I need you to stop pulling shit like this,” I told him firmly.

“I promise I won’t do it again.”

“I’m not talking about what you said to me, Noah. I’m talking about how you treat yourself. ”

He took another deep breath. “Atty, it’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is. It’s not like you’re drinking like a normal person or trying drugs out. You do it really aggressively, and it’s hard to watch. If you want us to be friends,” I told him and swallowed. “I can’t be your friend if this is what goes on with your life when you disappear.”

He stayed quiet for a long time. I listened to him breathing on the other end of the line, trying to remain firm in my words even though I was terrified he would hang up. I pressed my hand on my knee to keep my leg from bouncing.

“Okay.” His voice was steady.

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

He let out a soft laugh. “Okay, yeah. I’ll stop. No more parties at mine.”

I smiled, closing my eyes, feeling incredibly relieved at hearing those words. “That’s good. I’m glad to hear that,” I said, exhaling a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

“So, can we forget about it? About all of it?”

I didn’t know if I could erase the memory of him pressing up against me like that and looking up at me while my hands were sliding on his naked back.

But I could try.

“Yeah, we can forget about all of it,” I told him.

He laughed again, pleased. “Yeah? Are you going to have me at yours to play your stupid video games?”

I smiled. “Whenever you want, Noah.”

“That’s good to hear,” he said. “Very good to hear.”