Chapter 6
CHAPTER
SIX
AFTER
I walked into our apartment, placed the keys by the door, stepped into my room, and checked my phone. I had missed calls from Colin and Ezra. Falling on the bed, I sighed.
So, he came back.
The initial shock was starting to wear off, along with the righteous indignation. I couldn’t keep clinging to the anger, even if it was all I had left of him. Noah was the most toxic person I had ever met, but he was also the person I had loved the most. The person who hurt me deeper than I ever thought possible. I knew he was messed up. I could see it much clearer now. Before, I couldn’t see past how much I wanted him to tell the difference between his truths and lies. I knew that so much of it had nothing to do with me, and I had ended up in the center of the hurricane that was his life. I had made peace with all these things, but I couldn’t do it while he was here looking at me .
I honestly thought I was over him, but seeing him again made me feel like I was back to square one. He looked so good, and I hated how much I thought so. I hated to admit how much I had missed him calling me Atty.
The door opened, and a second later, I knew they were both standing there, looking at me. I opened my eyes to see their matching, concerned faces.
“Mom, Dad, do we need to have the boundary conversation again?” I asked and they both smiled.
“Are you okay?” Ezra asked, sitting next to me on the bed.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m a little shocked, but I’m fine,” I told them.
“He wrote to me, but I saw it only a second before we walked in to see him,” Colin said.
“It’s fine, Col. You can talk to him,” I told him. “Did you? After I left?”
They shared a look.
“Yeah, he said he was sorry and just wanted a chance to say it to you, too, to explain himself,” Ezra said.
“Ezra told him to fuck off,” Colin said.
I smiled and sighed, then sat up on the bed. “What is he doing back here, do you know?” I asked Colin.
“He transferred back. He said he tried calling you,” Colin told me.
My heart jumped to my throat. I had a feeling it wasn’t just a visit. “I blocked him from my phone,” I told them.
“Smart,” Ezra said, nodding in approval.
“Are you going to talk to him?” Colin asked.
“I don’t think I can do it. It’s like, maybe getting answers would be nice, but I can’t see him. I honestly thought I was over him, but…” I let that word hang between us. They had seen enough to understand its significance.
“Just take your time,” Ezra said. It was funny how easily they slipped back into their overprotective roles when Noah showed up .
“Is Hank mad?” I asked.
“I think the whole team gets it, don’t worry,” Colin said.
“I think I’m going to cancel tonight.”
“No,” they both said, pained.
“Yeah, I can’t go like this. It’s not fair.” I had a date with a guy I’d been seeing. I had tried to date after Noah, and this was the first time I managed to go past the first one. We had gone out successfully three times now. It seemed promising. Now, seeing Noah, I knew it was a lost cause.
“But you’ll reschedule?” Ezra asked hopefully.
“I know it probably doesn’t make much sense, how hard this has been for me. I know I should be over it by now. I hate that I can’t move past him. I really wish I could. It’s not okay for me to go out and pretend like this didn’t change everything. Again,” I tried to explain, feeling the weight of my emotions press down on me.
“It changed everything? As in, you want to get back together with him?” Ezra asked, looking scandalized.
“No, not at all. I’m not even considering it. I meant it brought everything back up.”
He nodded, unconvinced. He gave Colin a look, and it was like going back in time. Ezra freaked out about my relationship with Noah and Colin trying to walk us through it.
“What did it bring up?” Colin asked.
I sighed again. “If he came here to explain why he did it, I’m not sure I would want to know. You guys only saw the tip of the iceberg with us. Being in that apartment with Noah was like living on another planet, and seeing him again is like being back there. I think Noah turned me into his drug. He wouldn’t let me leave. I barely made it to classes or training. It was just months of this incredibly intense relationship, and even though I can see how messed up it was, I was happy. Even through those god-awful weeks with the fights, I was so happy to be with him. And then he left,” I told them. “I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants to say to me. That he needed to quit me too. I just don’t want to hear it,” I finished. The heartbreak was threatening to come back, and I breathed out, keeping it at bay.
I could still remember so vividly how tightly he held on to me, how he begged me not to leave, how hard it was to do it. How much I wanted just to tell the world to fuck off and drown with him. He turned into a drug for me too. I was addicted to him. His touch, his voice, the way he made me feel like I was the center of his universe—it was intoxicating.
The withdrawal had always been unbearable.