Chapter 9
CHAPTER
NINE
BEFORE
I woke the next day to his lips against my neck, kissing me slowly. I moaned, turning my face to give him more room. It felt good. He was straddling my hips, his hands firm on my waist. He kissed up, passing my jaw and landing back on my lips. I sighed into his mouth, savoring the feeling, and grabbed his face, pulling him closer. I parted my lips, deepening the kiss, and he followed seamlessly. We were more in sync here than anywhere else, even more than on the court. His forehead rested on mine, and I opened my eyes. He was looking down at me.
“Morning,” he said with a smile.
This was the best possible way to wake up, I was sure of it. I drew him back down to my lips, nibbling on his bottom one, and he let out a low, pleased sound.
“I have to commit this to memory,” he said.
I smiled against his lips. “What? ”
He slid his hands under my shirt and touched my skin. “You’re easy in the mornings,” he whispered.
I uttered a hushed laugh. “Fuck off,” I said playfully, and he snickered.
I ran my hands over his thighs, feeling the firm muscles beneath my fingers, grabbing his hips and pulling him closer. He kissed me slowly, and it was so fucking good. I could never have dreamed how good he felt. Nothing would have come close to this. His hands moved to my chest, to my stomach, and he moaned into my mouth.
“You’re so fucking hot, Atty,” he said, his hands tracing the muscles on my abdomen. I pushed my hands into his hair, feeling the softness between my fingers.
“You’re a dream,” I whispered.
He smiled against my lips. “Fuck.”
I opened my eyes to see him again.
“That’s sweet. I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” he said, frowning a little.
“You don’t like sweet?” I asked, feeling embarrassed.
“I like it coming from you. I knew you’d be like this,” Noah told me.
I leaned up to kiss him again. He sat up from my hips, and his hand traveled lower as he deepened the kiss. His fingertips touched just below my boxers, and I grabbed his hand before he moved further. He stopped kissing me and looked down at me, pouting.
“Not that easy,” I told him.
He scrunched his nose but still smiled.
“This is supposed to be slow,” I reminded him.
“I meant the emotional stuff, not the sex stuff.”
Warmth bloomed in my stomach at the mention of sex, especially in the context of us. “They’re a package deal, at least for me.”
He pressed his lips together. I could almost see him connecting the dots in his head. “Atty…” he started .
Embarrassment swelled in my chest again. “Yes. I am,” I said simply, and he stared at me, not moving an inch.
“You’re what?” he asked, hesitating.
I took a deep breath. It’s not like I didn’t know this conversation was coming. It was better sooner than later.
“You wanted to ask me if I was a virgin, so I answered,” I told him.
His eyes flickered with surprise. He slipped off me and moved to my side. “Oh.” His gaze drifted away.
“Does that…” I started, and he met my eyes. “Are you going to change your mind?”
“No, Atty, I’m not. I guess I should have seen that coming. It just never crossed my mind.”
“Are you sure you’re okay with it?”
“I am. It just makes me a little nervous.”
“Why?”
“Because of what I told you yesterday. I’m not so good at this, and I don’t think I’m qualified to be the responsible party, you know?” he said with a sigh.
“The responsible party?”
“Well, yeah. First times are a big deal, especially if you’ve waited this long,” he said, looking nervous.
“Noah, I’m not forty. I just turned eighteen,” I told him.
He started smiling, then broke into a wide grin. He sat up on the bed and rubbed his face in his hands. “Fuck, you’re right, it’s not a big deal. I’m sorry for getting weird about it.”
My brows knitted together. It was a big deal, but I didn’t want to make him feel worse.
“Can we just go back to making out?”
“I wanted to go out for a jog.” I glanced at my watch.
“For a jog?” he asked, baffled.
“Yeah, I usually run in the mornings before class and on weekends. I missed the gym yesterday, and I have a couple of things due for class,” I explained, already thinking about how behind I was .
“To the gym? There’s no training on the weekend,” he said, confused.
“No, the gym to work out, that gym,” I clarified, noticing the smile spreading across his face.
“Yeah? Tell me more about that,” he teased.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “I go three times a week. It’s not much.”
“Atty, you run every day, train with the team five days a week, and go to the gym three times a week, and that’s not much? It’s no wonder you look like that,” he said, reaching for my shirt and pulling it up.
I quickly pushed it back down. “I’m on—” I started, but he rolled his eyes with a smile.
“On an athletic scholarship, yeah, yeah, I know. Let me look at you and see if the university is getting its money’s worth.” He straddled my lap again.
“Noah,” I protested, but I still smiled at him.
He gave me a look and licked his lips. I stayed still as he grabbed my shirt again and edged it up, exposing my abdomen and chest. He tilted his head to the side, and his tongue peeked from his mouth.
“They made a sound investment. I can attest to that,” he said.
I bit my lip, pulling my shirt down again. “Come on,” I said, but he pushed it back up.
“Your body is fucking unreal. Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody this ripped. I guess that’s what obsessive body training will do for you.”
I tugged my shirt down again. “Stop looking at me like that,” I told him.
“I’m sorry, but that image is forever burned in my brain. I will never be able to see you again and not think about how you look under there,” he said.
I grimaced, groaning in embarrassment.
“Why don’t you like compliments? ”
“They make me uncomfortable,” I admitted honestly.
“Well, then you shouldn’t run daily. Then maybe I could be around you and not wonder how hard your body feels.” He leaned down and kissed my neck. “Here.” His hands grabbed my biceps. “Or here.” They moved over my stomach. “Definitely here.” His hand snaked down and grabbed my backside as he licked the shell of my ear.
“Noah,” I exhaled again.
He groaned. He pushed off and fell beside me on the bed.
“I think I need a cold shower.”
I smiled at him. I loved hearing him talk like that. I thought I had been the only one who couldn’t look away. He had been struggling with it all along.
“And I need to get going,” I told him, pushing him to sit on the edge of the bed.
He wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed himself against my back. “Do you have to? Can’t you skip it today?”
“I’m behind on all the other stuff, school stuff. Even if I skipped running, I still need to do that.”
He tightened his grasp on me. “Bring your things over. You can work on them here,” he suggested.
My brows furrowed. I turned to look at him, expecting to find him smiling. Instead, he looked scared, and my chest tightened painfully. There was a crease in between his brows, his eyes were wider, almost pleading. He didn’t want to be alone here.
“Why don’t you come with me to the dorm? You can stay over if you like,” I offered.
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“Of course, I don’t mind. I just really need to get those things done. You can get your work out of the way too,” I said, then made a face. I had never seen Noah do anything school-related.
He made the same face back at me. “If I have anything to work on, I haven’t the slightest clue what it is. I could play video games,” Noah suggested.
“Yeah, you could come with me for the jog if you’d like,” I said.
“Maybe some other time,” he replied.
“Get your things, then. Let’s go.”
He smiled and pushed off the bed. He showered, and while I waited, I checked my phone. I had missed five calls from Ezra and Colin and found a new group chat titled “Your Concerned Parents.”
Colin Whitmore
att, where the fuck are you?
answer the phone
we’ve been to your room twice
you haven’t slept there in two days
Ezra Tate
we’re close to calling your actual mom if you don’t answer soon
Those had been sent this morning. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
Me
I’m fine
I’m heading back there right now.
Ezra Tate
fucking finally
where have you been?
Colin Whitmore
don’t do that again!
Me
at Noah’s
I waited for the hysterics.
Colin Whitmore
you’ve got to be fucking kidding me
Ezra Tate
you’ve been holed up in that apartment since Friday?
please tell me he hasn’t been making you smoke with him
please god tell me there haven’t been parties with you there
Me
jeez I’m okay mom
calm down
he was just going through some things
he’s better now
Colin Whitmore
I thought I was your mom
Noah walked out of the bathroom with a towel hanging dangerously low on his hips, his skin glistening with droplets of water. His hair, darker when wet, clung to his forehead. He looked beyond amazing. I faced away from him and he smirked.
“You don’t have to turn around,” he said, laughing lightly.
“I’m good, thanks.”
“Who are you texting?” he asked, fumbling with his clothes.
“My concerned parents.”
Ezra Tate
when are you coming back?
I’ll bring food, and you can walk us through it
“What?” Noah asked, pulling a shirt over his head in one fluid motion.
“Colin and Ezra. It’s an ongoing joke because they’re so overprotective,” I explained.
Me
in a while
I have work to get done
I’ll see you tomorrow
Colin Whitmore
you don’t want to see us?
“That makes sense. Ezra hates me. Parents usually hate me.”
I turned to look at him with a frown. “Ezra doesn’t hate you,” I told him.
He smiled at me, raising his eyebrows and looking unconvinced. “He used to like me. Somewhere along the line, he stopped being nice. Now he just glares at me.”
I hadn’t noticed that. “I’ll talk to him,” I told him, but he dismissed the thought with a casual shoulder lift.
He ran his hands through his wet hair. He was perfect just out of the shower. He started bagging his stuff, and I looked at my phone again.
Ezra Tate
we can hang out while you do your schoolwork
having spent two nights with Noah while he was “going through something” can’t have been easy
you need to unwind
Colin Whitmore
I second that
what happened?
Me
we can talk tomorrow
don’t come over today
Colin Whitmore
he’s coming over, isn’t he?
Ezra Tate
for fuck’s sake, Att
Colin Whitmore
what’s going on?
Ezra Tate
he’s being an emotional leech
that’s what’s going on
Me
what’s going on is that you need to drop the bit and back off
I’m fine
I’ll see you tomorrow
thanks for the concern, but it’s not necessary
Noah stood before me. I looked up at his smiling face, feeling a tug at my heart.
“All done,” he said.
I tried to return the smile. This was fine. I could handle this just fine.
I woke up to a knock on the door. I tried to adjust my eyes to the light and glanced towards the sound. Noah was still fast asleep on his side and in my arms. He had his head resting on one arm and the other in a vice grip against his chest. He really liked cuddling.
I kissed his cheek, untangling myself from him. The knock came again as I pulled my shirt back on and checked my watch. I opened the door and stood blocking it, watching Colin and Ezra.
“So at least you’re alive,” Ezra said, looking unamused.
“It’s six in the morning,” I told them, glancing back at Noah’s sleeping form.
“He wanted to come over before you left for your run,” Colin said with a yawn. “Can we just come in so I can go back to sleep?” he asked.
I held onto the door, leaving less space for them to look through. “No, I’m going to stay in bed and go out for a jog. You see, when I said we’d talk tomorrow, I thought that meant the sun was out.”
“Att, this is important. We need to talk about this,” Ezra said.
I left the room and closed the door behind me. Colin’s brows knitted together as I crossed my arms.
“That’s weird,” he said and yawned again.
“What is it?”
“Are you seriously not going to let us in?” Ezra asked.
I pressed my lips together.
“Look, Att, I know you’re a big boy, and you think you can look after yourself, but you’re way in over your head with this whole thing. What happened on Friday?”
“He just needed a little help,” I said, keeping my voice down. “He’s my friend. I was just being there for him.”
Colin’s frown deepened. “Your friend? You think Noah’s your friend? That guy has a target on you the size of a fucking planet.”
What? “A target?” I repeated, feeling a bit defensive.
“Ezra’s just worried Noah is going to hit on you and break your heart. He’s just making it much more dramatic. Are you seriously not going to let us in? It’s six in the morning,” Colin said.
“I get that you’re worried about me, but I can handle it,” I said, my voice still low.
“Why are you talking like that?” Colin asked.
“You’ve been bugging me for months to get out there and ‘do college,’ whatever that means, and now that I’m doing just that, I can’t do it. Is it because I’m not doing it with you? What is it?” I asked him.
“You’re going to get hurt,” Ezra told me.
I glanced at Colin. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”
He gave the door a pointed look. “Are you? Hiding something?” he asked .
Cold sweat formed on the back of my neck.
“Noah was in rehab last semester. That’s why he wasn’t here,” Ezra snapped.
I froze. What?
Colin made a helpless gesture with his shoulders.
“He has a serious drug problem, Att,” Ezra said, his voice softer.
“I didn’t know about it until a week ago. Holly let it slip,” Colin said.
My heart clenched painfully. He was so alone in that fucking apartment, in his life.
“I’m not going to leave him because of that. People just leave him like he’s not worth it, and I won’t do that. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. I want to be here for him, and he needs it. He’s allowed to make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes. It doesn’t mean I have to give up on him. He’s worth it,” I told them.
They both looked back at me with matching worried expressions. Ezra parted his lips like he was about to say something, and the door opened behind me.
I closed my eyes. Damn it.
“Maybe this is an indoor conversation. Don’t you think?” Noah said.
Ezra was more surprised than Colin.
“They were just leaving,” I said and turned to him.
He looked defeated again, his smile gone. “It’s fine. I can talk about it if that’s what you want.” Noah glanced past me at them. “It’s a fucking terrible conversation for this hour, but I’ll have it if I have to.” His eyes focused back on me. “I don’t want you to give up on me either.”
I walked towards him, and he moved back into the room.
“I get that you’re trying to help me, but I got it from here,” I told my friends.
Ezra gave the impression of wanting to say something, but Colin held him back with a hand on his shoulder. He gave me a nod, and I entered the room, closing the door behind me. Noah was leaning back on the desk with his arms crossed over his chest.
“So.”
“I’m sorry, Atty. I should have told you,” he said quietly, still looking away.
“What happened?” I asked, leaning back against the door. Something was curling in my chest, burrowing inside. So many things about Noah started adding up in the worst way possible.
“Before winter break last year, my mom came. If she told me she was coming, I didn’t remember. She found a lot of things in my house. I didn’t have a choice about whether or not I went,” he said.
I sat on my bed with my elbows on my knees. “Why, Noah?” I asked.
He met my eyes. He pressed his lips into a thin line.
“No, I mean, what is it? What drugs, I mean?” I clarified.
His eyes drifted away from me again.
“Is it the drinking? Smoking?” I pressed.
He stood silently for a moment before shaking his head slightly. I had a feeling it wasn’t.
“Then what is it?”
He glanced down at his feet and ran his tongue over his lower lip. He was so nervous. It broke my heart to see him this scared.
“I need to know, Noah,” I said gently.
He took a deep breath and grabbed his jeans. He pulled his wallet out and handed me something. I stared at the little plastic bag in my hand and my heart sank. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew it was a hell of a lot more serious than weed.
“Atty.”
“What is it?”
He shrugged. “Coke,” he said, barely above a whisper .
I tugged on his hand and made him sit next to me. I placed the bag on my nightstand and laced his fingers through mine. “Noah.”
He was looking down at our hands. “I’ll stop. I haven’t even been doing it. Not this weekend,” he said quickly.
“Why was it in your wallet, then?” I asked him.
He took a deep breath. “Just in case.”
I frowned. “Just in case of what?”
He closed his eyes. He was holding onto my hand tightly.
“I’m not going to leave you, Noah, but I need to understand this. I need to understand what you’re going through if I’m going to help you.”
He got more worked up the more I talked. He let go of my hand and pushed off the bed. “I don’t need help. I’ll just stop,” Noah said, shaking his head.
Suddenly, I remembered Ezra’s face, full of apprehension, and Colin’s concern, the way he tiptoed around the subject of Noah and drugs. I even understood why Noah had called himself a washed-up junkie jock. They were right. I was in over my head. I barely knew how to handle people drinking around me. How the hell was I supposed to deal with this?
I got up from bed and he turned back towards me.
“I’ll be right back.” I didn’t even bother with shoes or something to cover up. I just walked out and went to the bathroom, which was blissfully empty. I leaned on the sink and watched my reflection closely. I looked as scared as I felt. I turned on the water and splashed my face. I couldn’t leave him, but I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know how to handle him. This was too much.
I turned off the tap and looked in the mirror. Noah was standing behind me.
“Atty, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want you to stop looking at me like you do. I didn’t want you to stop feeling the way you do about me. ”
I turned to face him. I could see the guilt reflected in his eyes.
“I’m not, Noah. This is just a lot, and I’m trying to process it. The rehab—this is a proper addiction, Noah. This isn’t just having fun,” I told him, keeping my voice down.
“I’ll stop.”
“Are you going to get help?” I asked him.
He walked over to the toilets, emptied the bag’s contents, threw it in, and flushed. His jaw set in determination.
“There, I’ve stopped,” he said.
I wasn’t sure what to make of that. If he was properly addicted, I guess it wouldn’t have been that easy to throw it away. He couldn’t just say he would quit. He’d find excuses to keep doing it. Maybe it wasn’t that bad.
He approached me and put his hands on the sides of my face. “I don’t need it, but I do need you.”
The heaviness wouldn’t leave my chest.
“Noah, are you sure about this?” I asked, searching his eyes for any sign of doubt.
He nodded instantly. “Yeah, Atty, I’m so sure. I can do this. I can do it with you,” he said, pushing up on his toes and kissing me. His lips were soft and desperate, his arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me close. “Just don’t leave me, okay?” he said against my chest.
The weight of his words dropped heavily on me as I wrapped my arms over his shoulders, holding him tightly. What the hell had I gotten myself into?