Chapter 13
THIRTEEN
Kirsten
Shock doesn’t come close to describing what I feel.
An opportunity like this isn’t supposed to be my life.
Not yet.
I’m supposed to go off to college like any other high school graduate.
That’s always been the plan.
It’s also the deal Sydney and I made.
She would support anything I wanted to do as long as I promised to get my degree.
And I’ve been fine with it.
College sounds fun.
College in New York City is like a dream-come-true.
Except the real dream is singing and going on tour.
Making music and money.
This is an incredible opportunity that I don’t want to say no to.
I also don’t want to disappoint Sydney.
“You okay?” Sam asks softly.
“Yeah. It’s just… a lot.”
“Nothing is written in stone,” Lexi says quickly. “That damn reporter who posted that article about you replacing me got me thinking. We were mad about it at first, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. The first step was to find out if you were interested. If you are, we schedule a meeting with both bands to discuss the logistics. But take some time to think, talk to your sister, whatever you have to do. It’s a big ask. I know that. But I also know how much you love performing. Plus you’d get to spend more time with Sam. And if that’s not enough, you’ll also get paid.”
“I will?” That catches me off-guard. I hadn’t even considered the financial part of this.
“Of course. I wouldn’t ask you to do something like this without paying you. Sasha already said the record company will cover the cost. Like their personal little insurance policy since this pregnancy was so unexpected.” Lexi had a bout with cancer in her teens and was told it would be difficult for her to get pregnant without medical intervention. Apparently, nature had other ideas.
“I really appreciate this,” I whisper. “Can you just give me a day or two to talk to Sydney and wrap my head around everything?”
“Do what you need to do, but I’ll need an answer sooner rather than later. There’s a lot to arrange if you’re coming with us.”
“Give me a day,” I say. “I’ll call you tomorrow with my answer.”
“Perfect.” She squeezes my arm and walks out of the office.
I turn to Sam in frustration. “What do I do?” I ask bluntly. “I have my summer all planned out and this just throws a wrench into everything!”
“Do what feels right,” he says gently. “If you don’t want to go, then don’t. Don’t let anyone—not Lexi, not Sasha, and definitely not me—talk you into doing something you don’t truly want to do. By the same token, don’t let your sister guilt you out of it if this is something you do want to do.”
“Why does life have to be so complicated?”
“It’s not. Follow your heart and be true to yourself.”
“That means going on tour,” I whisper, moving into his arms. “But it also means letting a lot of people down.”
“Do you want to let yourself down?”
“No. I definitely do not.”
“Talk to your sister. She loves you and wants you to be happy. Remember that.”
“I know.” I burrow against his chest for a few minutes, soaking in his warmth and strength and support, and eventually pull myself away. “I guess I have to go. I need to talk to Sydney and figure some stuff out. Will I see you later?”
“If you want to.” He meets my eyes questioningly.
“That’s never a question.” I press my lips to his. “Come over whenever you’re done for the day. If you won’t be there for dinner, just text me.”
“Don’t stress about anything, okay?” He runs his fingers along my cheek. “Everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to.”
I want to believe him, but all I can think about as I drive home is what Sydney will think and how hurt she’ll be.
All I’m worried about as I let myself into the house is everything she gave up to take care of us when Mom and Dad faked their deaths.
She had to quit college and get a full-time job. Hell, she worked two full-time jobs once we got into a routine where I could take care of the boys. She worked at a law firm as a legal secretary all day and then waited tables four or five nights a week.
She sacrificed so much and has never asked for anything.
Except this.
“Back already?” She looks up from where she’s changing the baby’s diaper.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, plopping down on the couch next to her.
“What’s up?” She seems curious.
There’s no point in beating around the bush.
“Lexi wants me to spend as much of the summer as I can on tour with Nobody’s Fool, so I can be prepared in case the pregnancy prevents her from performing,” I blurt.
Sydney doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, putting a clean diaper on Poppy and then lifting her onto her lap.
“How will that impact leaving for college?” she asks quietly.
“I’d still be there for orientation,” I say quickly. “This is like an extended rehearsal… in case something happens later in her pregnancy and I need to step in.”
“But later in the pregnancy is when you’ll be in school,” she says.
“I know, but—” I cut myself off.
How can I explain how I feel?
“What’s going on?” Sydney asks, bouncing Poppy on her knee. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
That might take a year, but I have to try.
“They want me to go on tour between now and when school starts. And I really want to do it. I know it’s not what we planned but this is part of what I want for my future. Except I also don’t want to miss out on all the things we’re supposed to do… shopping and planning for college and all the things we’ve been talking about.” I look down, suddenly overwhelmed all over again.
“I’m going on tour too, remember? I was going to leave the tour to fly home so we could do those things we planned. There’s no reason we can’t do our shopping while we’re on the road. We’ll just ship everything to New York. That part of it isn’t a big deal. I’m more worried about what happens in the fall. If, God forbid, something happens with Lexi’s pregnancy. If you’re their back-up plan, and they need you, what about college?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I needed to talk to you.”
“Do you not want to go to college?” she asks softly.
“I do but…” Tears puddle in my eyes and I take a shaky breath.
“But…”
“But this is what I want to do . Sing. Play music. Go on tour. I want to record a solo album and become a star. And it feels like this is the perfect jumping off point.”
“I thought college was the jumping off point,” she counters. “I thought you were going to spend the next four years writing music and finding musicians you want to work with, maybe starting a band of your own… playing the club scene in New York. Figuring out the logistics of being a solo artist while getting your degree.”
“Yes.” I do want those things.
I just want this more.
“But touring is calling your name.”
Tears spill down my cheeks. “Yes—and I’m sorry! Please don’t be mad!”
“Oh, honey, what are you sorry about?” She puts Poppy in the bouncy seat on the floor and then quickly reaches out to hug me. “And why would I be mad? You don’t have to feel bad about figuring out what you want to do in life.”
“We had a deal, I promised you I would go, but now I’m not sure, and I know you had to drop out to take care of us and?—”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” She strokes my hair for a moment but then sits back and forces me to look at her. “Are you going to college for me ? Because that’s not what I want. Yes, I encouraged you to go because it’s a smart decision. Get a degree, make sure you have something to fall back on in case the music thing doesn’t pan out, but I won’t be upset if you don’t. Kirsten, listen to me—all I’ve ever wanted was for you to follow your dreams. I kept you a little reined in because you needed time to grow up. But you’re an adult now and fully capable of making your own decisions.”
“Apparently I’m not!” I sniffle. “Look at me, I’m a mess. I don’t know what to do. I want to go to college. I want to go on tour. I want to be with Sam. I want to spend the summer with my friends… what’s wrong with me?”
“Ah. Well.” She smiles. “Welcome to adulting. It’s not always easy.”
“So how do I decide?”
“I think you’ve already made your decision.”
“I haven’t,” I insist.
She brushes my hair back from my face. “The good news is, you have the money and support to do whatever the hell you want. I never had that but I’m eternally grateful you do. So go on tour this summer and then go to school. If success comes calling, there’s no reason you can’t leave school. There’s always the chance your professors will work with you since it’s real-life experience. It’s not ideal, but the only person you need to be true to is yourself.”
“You’re not mad?” I ask in confusion.
“Why would I be mad? You think I didn’t know this was always a possibility? You have a hit single under your belt. You’re already a star. I knew there was a good chance you’d bail on college to follow your dreams—and who am I to tell you not to do that?”
“You’re the only parent I have,” I whisper. “I know technically you’re not, but you’re my mom and big sister all rolled into one—I trust you more than anyone. And I don’t want to let you down!”
She hugs me tightly. “Never. You’re one of my babies too, honey. I love you and Colby just as much as the kids I gave birth to. That’s why I want you to follow your heart. Adulting is hard but you have all of us to help guide and support you along the way. I want you to have it all. I don’t know if you can but we sure as hell can try.”
I wasn’t expecting this at all and I’m not sure what to say.
So I settle for the most heartfelt thing I can think of.
“I love you, Syd.”
“Love you too, kiddo.”