Chapter 17
JACK
Sanjay lived in Seattle, so after practice our first day back in town, I drove over the border to meet him in Mount Vernon, which was roughly halfway. He’d recommended a coffee shop that he knew was queer-friendly. I hadn’t thought that would be an issue—wasn’t Washington a heavily blue state?
“Oh, I wish,” he’d said over FaceTime last night. “King County is a bright-blue dot in a very red state. Even some of Snohomish County is blue, but once you’re north of Marysville…” He’d grimaced and shaken his head.
As I’d driven today, I saw some flags and bumper stickers that made me believe him. So, yeah, lesson learned—even here, I had to be careful where I was meeting a man for a date.
The coffee shop was in a little strip mall between a boutique and a florist shop.
It had a bit of a hipster-meets-rustic vibe, with customers tapping away at laptops on burlwood tables with mismatched thrift store chairs.
Instead of trendy cups and bougie collectibles, they sold handmade pottery and framed paintings from local artists alongside bags of ethically-sourced sustainable coffee.
The case was full of pastries from a nearby bakery, as well as some made on site, and they had the usual wide range of coffees and teas.
And beneath the menu was a framed rainbow flag with the words Everyone is Welcome.
“Jack?” A now-familiar voice turned my head, and when I looked, there was Sanjay. He was even cuter in person, and that wicked smile… fuck me.
I smiled back nervously and extended my hand. “Sanjay. Hi.”
He shook my hand firmly. “It’s great to meet you.”
“Likewise. Sorry it took a little extra time.”
He laughed, which lit up the whole room and… really should have made my heart flutter. But it didn’t.
Come on, enthusiasm. Where are you?
Unaware of my stupid thoughts, he shrugged. “Can’t really control the weather, can you?”
“My life would be a lot easier if I could.”
“You and me both.” He gestured at the counter. “Let me buy you a coffee.”
His statement, rather than asking if he could buy me a coffee, tripped me up, but only for a second. It was a Dom thing, I’d read. Made sense, and it was a pretty minor thing, so I nodded and thanked him.
But I also felt weird about it and I didn’t know why. I wanted a Dom. I liked Sanjay. Why shouldn’t something like this sit right?
And why was I so sure I’d have a very different reaction to Devon doing the same thing?
I rolled my shoulders to mask a shiver. I was here to meet another Dom and move on from Devon. I was doing—
My breath hitched so suddenly I nearly squeaked.
I was doing what Devon told me to do.
Fucking hell.
“Jack?” Sanjay gestured at the barista, who was watching us expectantly. “What would you like?”
“Oh.” I shook myself and requested a latte.
As she started making the drinks, Sanjay nodded toward a table by the windows. “I’ll bring everything over.”
I was halfway across the coffee shop before I realized he’d tacitly ordered me to take a seat and wait for him.
And I was pulling out the chair when I realized why that made me queasy.
It doesn’t feel right taking orders from someone who isn’t Devon.
God, that was stupid. I was stupid. This was why I was here—because Devon was right that I was latching on to the first Dom who’d made me submit. Once I realized other Doms could fill that role, I’d be able to move forward and stop thinking fireable thoughts about a hockey player.
Maybe the longer I spent with Sanjay, the more right this would feel.
I’d already obeyed him twice without much thought; the more he gently asserted his dominance, the more I would slide into the role of his submissive.
The less it would feel like taking orders from the other team’s coach.
Or something. Whatever. It wasn’t like any of this made sense, so why start now?
Sanjay appeared and put a latte down in front me of me. He took the other seat, and he pulled a teabag from his own cup and put it on the saucer.
“So.” He met my gaze. “I’m curious about some things on your profile. Now that we’re face-to-face.”
“Oh. Uh. Okay. Sure.” Right to the chase, apparently. I usually hated small talk, so I should’ve been relieved, but I was so nervous and off-balance right now, I kind of wanted the small talk. Just something to let my brain buffer and settle into meeting this new man. This new Dom.
Devon ordered me to kiss him when we both knew I shouldn’t, and I did.
Sanjay told me to let him buy me a coffee, and I was an overthinking mess.
Jesus Christ. What was wrong with me?
Mercifully oblivious to my ridiculous brain, Sanjay sipped his tea. “Your profile says bondage is off the table.”
Fresh nervousness crackled along the length of my spine. “Yes. It is. It’s, a, um…” I squirmed uncomfortably in the chair. “It’s a hard limit.”
“Is that something you’d mind talking about?” He inclined his head. “I won’t push your limits, but I’d like to know why they’re there.”
I stared into my latte. The words lodged somewhere in my throat as heat rose in my face.
Devon asked me about that—with his eyes, for God’s sake—and the words had come pouring out. Not the whole story, not every detail, but the fear at the heart of it. I’d told him without hesitation and without shame.
“I won’t push your limits,” Sanjay repeated gently. “But sometimes a limit in one area can indicate things I should watch out for in another.”
That was fair. It made perfect sense. And I wasn’t ashamed of what had happened. It wasn’t even all that embarrassing. Just…
Intimate.
That was what it was—intimate.
I’d had sex with Devon before I’d told him. Sanjay and I had only had a few conversations and a handshake.
That’s not the whole story and you know it.
I cleared my throat, then sipped my coffee just to wet my suddenly dry mouth. Good coffee—this place knew how to make a latte. As I set the cup down, it gave an incriminating rattle against the saucer, announcing to everyone within earshot that my hands weren’t steady.
“I had a bad experience,” I told Sanjay.
“The Dom you had recently?”
I shook my head. “No. This was years ago. With my ex-husband.” I looked at him through my lashes.
From his furrowed brow, he was trying to figure out the timeline.
“He and I—we tried some things that I now know are…” I glanced around us.
“What I’m looking for now. Dominance. Pain.
That sort of thing. I just didn’t know what it was. Why I wanted it.”
Sanjay was nodding as I spoke. “I understand. A lot of people do stumble into their kinks.”
I laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, you could say that. Anyway, we tried some of it—bondage—and it just… it didn’t go well.”
“How so?”
Irritation flared in my chest, but I tamped it down.
I knew why he was digging. He wasn’t looking for gossip or something to criticize.
He wanted clarification about my limits and boundaries.
It was a good thing, damn it, especially here in a coffee shop instead of behind closed doors with our pants off.
“Claustrophobia.” I said it like something to be ashamed of. Something I’d done wrong.
“Ah, you couldn’t move or get free.” He said that like it was perfectly normal and reasonable. “I can see why you’re averse to it now.”
I studied him. “It’s not weird?”
Sanjay shrugged. “Nothing is weird. I had a sub who loved bondage but hated my green ropes.”
“Green ropes?” I cocked my head. “What was his issue with those?”
Another shrug. “She thought they looked like a snake. It creeped her out. Didn’t really matter why—she said no, so that was the end of it.”
“Oh.” I drummed my fingers beside my coffee cup. “Except my limit is no ropes at all. Not just the green ones.”
His smile should’ve made my heart flutter.
It kind of did, but not enough. Not as much as it should have.
“I can work with no ropes. No cuffs.” His expression turned more serious.
“No Dom worth the title wants to do things his submissive doesn’t want.
If it’s a hard limit for you, or even a soft limit you don’t feel like pushing, then where’s the fun for me?
” He made a face. “I’m a sadist as well as a Dom, but I only dish out the suffering my masochistic sub wants. ”
Why didn’t that sound enticing? My newly discovered masochistic sub side craved everything someone like him could give me. I was hungry to explore this new dimension of sex and sensation and myself.
Nerves? Was that it?
I took another sip of coffee, barely tasting it. “That… That makes sense. Only wanting what the other person wants.”
Sanjay nodded. He watched me curiously for a moment, then asked, “Your recent experience—how did that happen?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you go looking for a kinky experience? Or did one find you?”
I almost laughed outright at the question. Oh, yeah, one definitely found me. “Uh. I met someone on a hookup app. Just for something…”
“Vanilla?”
I nodded. “Yes. That. But then we got together…” I stared at the table with unfocused eyes, pretending not to notice that familiar stir below my belt. “I don’t know. It just… happened, I guess.”
“Was it a good experience?”
“Very,” I said without hesitation. “It was… Honestly, it was the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced.”
Sanjay nodded. “So now you’re looking for something similar. With someone else.” He dipped his chin slightly and raised his eyebrows, his eyes adding, “Potentially with me.”
“Yes,” I croaked. “I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Silence hung between us for a long time. I couldn’t shake the feeling he was reading me. Seeing feelings and body language that I couldn’t even define.
When he finally spoke, his tone was gentle, “I need to ask you something, Jack. And I need you to be honest with me.”
“Okay.” I turned my coffee cup between my fingers. “I’ll be honest.”
More silence. More of Sanjay studying me intently.
Then, voice still gentle, he asked, “Is it the submission you can’t stop thinking about? Or is it the man who made you submit?”