Chapter 17 #2
A shiver went through me.
Sanjay gave a knowing nod as an uneasy smile spread across his lips. “I don’t think I’m the one you want, Jack.”
Panic straightened my spine as embarrassment heated my face. “What? What do you mean? I—”
“Relax,” he whispered. “I’m not judging you or criticizing you. But… I’m getting the impression you’re looking for more than just pain and submission.” His smile turned a little sad, though his eyes were still soft and kind. “I think you’re looking for it from him.”
My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. “He’s not available to me, though.”
“Maybe not. But I don’t think you’re available to me.”
The comment hit me in the gut. “I… How do you figure?”
“If I’m going to top you safely, I need you to be focused on me.
I need you to want to submit to me. If you’re looking for something I’m not—for someone I’m not—then you’re not going to be fully in the moment.
At best, we won’t enjoy ourselves. At worst…
” He grimaced. “At worst, I could push you too far. Hurt you. Cross a line you trust him to cross, but not me.” Exhaling, he sat back in his chair.
“I can’t do that to you, Jack. And I won’t. ”
It was weird, feeling this much relief and disappointment at the same time. The pressure was off to submit to him. All those bizarre feelings I’d had when he’d told me to let him buy me a coffee—they were gone. But I was also back at square one. Still without someone to dominate me.
“You’re not going to submit to every Dom,” Sanjay said. “You won’t, and you shouldn’t. Submissives don’t submit to everyone who barks an order at them—just their own trusted Dom.”
I gazed into my coffee.
“What you need more than anything is the right Dom,” he said, “and that’s not me.”
I swallowed as I forced myself to look at him. “How do I find the right person? Because I have no reason to distrust you. But the only other Dom I’ve ever had—we just sort of stumbled into it. I didn’t even know I needed or wanted one. He just… was.”
“And this was recently?” Sanjay asked. “The hookup that turned to kink?”
“Yeah. Very recently.” I absently traced the rim of my coffee cup with my finger. “It’s a long story, but he and I—we can’t be together. Which is why I went looking elsewhere.”
“Understandable. Sometimes it doesn’t work for a variety of reasons.”
I nodded slowly. “I barely know him, though.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “He was a stranger the first time, but it was so…”
“Easy?”
“Yes. That.”
Sanjay pursed his lips. “Well, maybe by the time you understood you needed to submit, you’d already submitted to him.
So you know for a fact that he can top you the way you need.
You know you can be safe with him, and that he can hit all the notes you need.
” He studied me for a moment. “Maybe, before you seek out another Dom, what you need is a little more time with him so you can understand yourself better. So you’ll know how to guide your next Dom. ”
“Except I can’t be with him,” I whispered. “Not even—we can’t.”
Sanjay’s forehead creased. “You want to be with him, though, don’t you?”
A sudden rush of emotions cut off my breath, and I stared into my cup again.
He reached across the table and put a warm hand on my forearm. “I don’t know the whole story. So maybe I’m overstepping. But every indication you’ve given is that whatever reason you can’t be with him isn’t because of unkindness or incompatibility.”
I almost choked on a laugh. “No. Far from it.” I chewed my lip. “It’s, um… It’s professional.”
His fingers twitched on my arm. “Ah. I see. Yes, that can complicate things.”
“Yeah. It can.” I picked up my coffee with my free hand and brought it up for a shaky sip. “I mean, we could. We’d just have to sneak around and…” I shook my head. “It’s not a good idea. For either of us.”
“Maybe not. But maybe you should talk to him.”
“Talking to him about this is a terrible idea,” I breathed. “It always ends with…” I squeezed my eyes shut.
Sanjay patted my arm, then let go. “Well. Maybe it’s not a good idea, then. But neither is this. I’m happy to continue a friendship, and I’m happy to answer questions and offer guidance. But I can’t be your Dom. Not even for a scene.”
What could I do but nod? I could hardly argue with him.
His unwillingness to make me feel unsafe made me feel quite safe with him, but enough to do a scene with him?
I couldn’t give a definite yes, and if I’d learned anything from reading about kink, anything but an enthusiastic yes was an emphatic no.
“Thank you,” I whispered after a while. “I’m glad I met you instead of…” I waved a hand.
“Me too. Which is why, as I said, I’m still happy to offer guidance and friendship. There are unsavory ‘Doms’ out there.”
“There are good ones, too,” I said, almost more to myself.
“There are. I hope you find one.” He paused, then softly added, “Hopefully one as good as the one you already found.”
Ouch.
Sanjay and I stayed at the coffee shop for another hour, mostly talking about things unrelated to kink. He was a nice guy and it was a pleasant experience, and we parted ways with a quick hug in the parking lot.
As soon as I was alone in my idling car, though, the dark clouds in my head started circling again. I couldn’t get Sanjay’s suggestion out of my head. Even after he’d conceded it was a bad idea, it still banged around in my mind.
“Maybe, before you seek out another Dom, what you need is a little more time with him so you can understand yourself better. So you’ll know how to guide your next Dom.”
I wanted that. I wanted it so bad. More time submitting to Devon. More time learning what the hell I wanted and needed out of this. More…
More time submitting to Devon.
I squeezed my eyes shut and swore, realizing a second too late that what had come tumbling out was “Tabarnak.” God, I was even starting to curse like Devon.
Why did I have to latch on this tightly to a man I absolutely couldn’t be with? Fucking why?
Was that part of my newly discovered masochism? Torturing myself by wanting what I couldn’t have?
I laughed at my own absurd thought. As I sobered, though, I went back to the same place I always did when I wasn’t focused on hockey or something—Devon.
Trying to gaslight myself into believing we could make it work, or we could safely sneak away and get this out of our damn systems. Or that, if the opportunity presented itself, he’d want to.
My mind was instantly full of the way he’d looked at me.
Not the night we’d fucked, but those nights we fooled around on FaceTime.
Those mornings when we’d exchange glances across the crowded banquet hall.
When I’d meet his gaze on the ice or in the locker room, and our coach-player facade would slip for just a second.
Closing my eyes, I pressed back against the seat. I couldn’t be imagining all those looks. Or misreading them. Could I?
Fuck. I didn’t know. But maybe I needed to present the opportunity for us to escape everyone and everything. If he said no, then no. End of discussion.
If he said yes, though…
God, what if he said yes?
I’d spent some time scoping out places I wanted to visit in Washington and British Columbia. There were a few I’d mentally dog-eared for quiet getaways once the chaos of the season ended. When did this league’s regular season end again? I doubted we were in much danger of going to the playoffs.
I opened the team’s app and thumbed through the calendar, heading for April to see when our last game was, but a huge void in February stopped me in my tracks.
The All-Star break.
We had eight straight days without a game.
I checked the scheduling app used by the coaching staff. Practices shortened that break to six days, but still—that was six days when players and staff who weren’t attending the All-Stars could scatter for a brief vacation.
Devon was easily one of the top players on the Grizzlies, but Saffron had already been selected to attend the All-Stars. I hadn’t been picked to coach any of the All-Star teams.
He’d have those six days off. I’d have those six days off.
What if we…
What if…
Heart pounding, I switched to my text app. I stared at the conversation we’d had before. At the texts he’d never responded to. Devon was a lot smarter than me and had a lot more self-control than I did. And a lot more self-preservation.
If I offered up something ridiculous, he was smart enough to say no.
And he might decide he’d had enough and demand a trade, or report me to the organization. I didn’t think we were close to that point, though. If he said no, if he told me to stop, then that was it.
Was it wishful thinking, believing I saw my own hunger in his eyes? That if I suggested something reckless and insane, he might take me up on it?
Only one way to find out.
With my heart in my throat, I started typing.
If it’s a no, say no, and I won’t bring it up again.
I’m going to rent a place in Tofino during the All-Star break. Up on Vancouver Island.
If you want to join me, I’ll send you the address.
And then I waited.