Twenty-eight #2
"The way you act around alcohol concerns me."
The words hit me like a train and I blinked hard in response.
Concerned ? His words were not gentle or and soft, they were blunt and harsh.
The word ‘concerned’ was what stung the hardest because every precaution I took was to prevent anyone who might care from worrying at all.
I never talked about it with anyone and the only times I had ever shown that version of me was at a function with liquor.
To hear that my efforts were useless made me feel like shit.
"Someone usually ends up babysitting you by the end of it, so I think it's easier to just not go at all. It doesn't sound all that fun anyway," he explained.
My eyes met the ground, and I sighed. It was not from disappointment of him not wanting me to go, it was from embarrassment that he was bringing the topic up. I wanted it to be over.
"If you don't want me to go then I won't go," I muttered as I kicked a rock on the ground.
“Really?” Javi asked, shocked. "Just like that?"
“Just like that.”
It seemed like he was going to speak, but I did not give him the chance. I put the helmet onto my head and rested my arm on the seat to show him I was ready to leave. There was no need to talk further because I already agreed with him that I had no business attending. I meant it.
The ride back was silent. The sound of the wind whooshing past us was too loud for us to hear each other regardless, but now it was apparent that we weren’t speaking because of my discomfort instead of inability to hear.
I was not angry with him. He had every right to feel how he felt about my unusual habits, especially when it kept burdening him unexpectedly. It was just that I would always feel an overwhelming knot in the pit of my stomach when it got brought up. It felt like embarrassment, or maybe it was dread.
Or could it be shame?
Once back at the house, I made myself comfortable in Javier’s room while he went to the bathroom.
I did not want to worry about Thinkfast, and I definitely did not want to study for it any further.
What I wanted was to taste the strong and repulsive bitterness of liquor, but not for the taste itself.
I wanted it for the way it made me feel.
I craved the one thing that made me shameful, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
“You look upset,” sounded a soft voice before me. My body tensed at the realization that Javier’s sister had been standing there.
I straightened my back and tried to look as okay as possible. “I’m okay.”
Gabriela came across the room and sat on the bed next to me. She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug, one that caught me off guard, but I played off nicely.
I should have known that was what she was going to do, it was what she always did.
Ever since she became friends with my sister, when she would see me she’d wrap me in a loving embrace as a greeting.
At first, I thought that she was simply an affectionate person just like her brother, but then I noticed she did not do that with everyone else.
She was a very sweet person and I appreciated the hug every time, but I couldn’t figure out why she did it.
Gabriela pursed her lips with slight disbelief behind her eyes, but she didn’t press. “Did you get to see Millie’s new camera?”
Since Mrs. Cortez and Alex’s mom were friends, Gabriela had met Millie multiple times.
“I did, she even took a picture of us. She didn’t want to take one with Javier,” I chuckled.
She giggled. “Because Millie thinks he’s boring, and she isn’t wrong.”
“I don’t think he’s boring,” I said quietly. “I can see why a seven-year-old would think so, though. But if Javier is boring then I must be a snooze-fest.”
“Millie just likes certain people and you happen to be one of them. Be honored, she’s a picky girl.”
Gabriela had no idea how much that meant to me. I leaned against the headboard and exhaled as she sat on the bed with her legs crossed.
“I just wanted to tell you how much I like you,” she started, a smile that reached her ears painting her face.
“You make Javi so happy. Even back when you guys had your little rivalry thing going on, he would talk about it all the time. He framed it as complaining, but I know my brother. He wasn’t complaining. ”
“He liked the rivalry?” I asked.
“He liked the excuse it gave to interact with you. I think because he was with Diane it took longer for him to really understand it all, but he’s always had a liking for you. Now that I know you a bit I can see why.”
Could she see why? I sure couldn’t.
Gabriela put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “If you ever want to talk about something that you don’t think you can share with anyone, I’m here. If you want to just talk, I’ll listen. Or if you want to rant about how annoying my brother is, I’m always down for that.”
I laughed through my nose. “Thanks, Gabi.”
“Of course,” she said sweetly. “The only thing I am one hundred percent not down for is talking about anything that has to do with your sex life. I might gag and then I’ll probably cry.”
“Gabriela,” Javier droned as he stood in the doorway. “Stop harassing him.”
She threw her hands up in defense. “I wasn’t! God forbid a girl make some conversation.”
Impatiently, he asked, “Do you need something?”
She squinted her eyes as she pretended to think and then hummed. “Not particularly.”
Javier took a seat next to me and held eye contact with his sister. The siblings watched each other intently, Javi waiting for her to catch the hint and Gabriela dodging it like her life depended on it.
She sighed in defeat. “Fine. I’ll go, but only because I have food in the oven that I’m pretty sure is burning as we speak.”
Javi’s sister offered a wave before she rushed out of the room. I found Gabriela to be pretty funny and her presence warming, so I did not mind her being around. Javi and his sister's bond were so genuine. It was like the bonds siblings had on television, the ones I always craved.
“She’s awesome,” I told him. “But, uh, I’ve been wanting to ask why she hugs me every time she sees me. Is she a hugger or is it something else?”
He scooted close to me and laid his head on my shoulder. "Both.”
Both? So, there was another reason?
“Why?”
He parted his lips but then closed them a few times, hesitating. "You know she’s friends with your sister now. So… she didn't go into detail, but Emerson apparently shares a lot."
I blinked. "About me?"
"I guess. Whatever she’s saying makes Gabriela really upset," Javi explained. “One time she came home pissed because of something Emerson had told her. She didn’t tell me what your sister said, just that it was ridiculous and you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
There were multiple things that Emerson could be sharing with Gabriela, all of which I did not want to be known. What the hell was my sister sharing without my knowledge, and why did she choose Javier's sister of all people to share it with. That would have to be a conversation we had later.
“Gabi already really liked you before Emerson started sharing stuff, so she isn’t treating you any differently than she normally would. It’s just that now she’s trying to make up for whatever it is your sister told her in whatever way she can.”
"So she pities me?" I asked with a sigh.
"She cares about you," he stressed as his head snuggled in the crook of my neck. "Just like I do."
It was kind of Gabriela to do that, but I hated feeling like a damsel in distress.
All because my sister had to go blabbing her big mouth.
There was a tension in my chest, it was a telltale sign of me getting worked up.
In other circumstances this revelation would have ticked me off and I would have an attitude the rest of the day. That was not happening, though.
Javier’s soft hands caressing my thigh was keeping me calm. His vanilla scent and warm body heat kept my emotions light despite how much they had wanted to boil over. I leaned into him, getting as close as physically possible just to feel intertwined with him.
I would say that since spending more time with Javi that I’ve kept the assholery to a minimum. When I would get angry he’d try to redirect it, and if that didn’t work he’d usually tackle it head on. Javier still knows when to not push it, but he’s amazing at getting me to focus and readjust myself.
He's done so much that I noticed my mind trying to use these methods myself when I was not with him. His annoyingly constant optimism and positivity was rubbing off on me, even if only in small increments.
That’s not to say that I suddenly became a ray of sunshine that does charity work and compliments everyone he sees.
I still was who I was and that would not change overnight, but I knew that it changed at least a little bit because Bella had mentioned it one day.
She said that I wasn’t walking around school with a scowl anymore and that was an improvement in her book.
It was because I was happier. Javi made me happier.
We put a movie on to watch because neither of us wanted to look at any more schoolwork. Javier wanted me to stay the night, and at first I declined because there was no way Macy was going to approve, not when she had been on my siblings and I’s asses since that dinner.
Then I remembered her talking about her date tonight.
When she would make me be her errand-boy she would sometimes talk about herself like I gave a fuck.
I never usually listened, but I happened to pick up on her being out with Daniel tonight.
Her last few dates with him ended with her not coming back afterward.
It being the weekend meant even more that she was going to stay the night at Daniel’s, which meant that I did not have to return to the jail I called home. It meant that I could stay cuddled up with Javier while we watched movies until we passed out.
Javier had fallen asleep when the movie was close to over despite the time only being nine o’clock at night.
I learned that he was not a night person, so when it started to get late he grew tired.
He had been forcing himself to stay awake for the entire movie because of me.
It had been a long day and I should have been as tired as he was, but I did not have the one thing I needed to soothe me.
Even Javier’s embrace was not enough to stop the longing.
He did not know the reason why I couldn’t sleep, but he used all his will power to stay up with me. Still, the sleep won.
Since he was asleep and I was not, I scrolled through a dozen movies until I finally settled on something decent to watch by myself.
Hours passed by and I was still mindlessly watching the colors change on the TV.
Javi hadn’t woken up once and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t steal a glance at him sleeping throughout the night.
Not in a creepy stalker way, I was simply admiring the peaceful way that he slept.
I was now tired as well. Extremely tired, actually. All I wanted to do was shut my eyes and fall asleep cuddled in his arms, but my body would not let me.
Sleep was the one thing I needed and the only thing out of my each.
My mind was racing with thought while my body was begging me to shut my eyes.
I was restless. Forcing my eyes closed did not help me drift off, and it didn't help that I was getting frustrated with myself for not being able to do something as easy as going to sleep.
It seemed my restlessness eventually became enough to wake Javi because the sound of him groaning caught my attention. His eyes fluttered open to find me sitting up with my back leaned against the headboard of the bed, still wide awake.
"You're up?" his voice was deeper and raspier than normal, courtesy of having just woken up. "What time is it?"
"Almost two in the morning, I think." I rubbed my eyes.
Javi’s arm flopped aimlessly off the side of the bed as he tried to turn on the lamp on the nightstand. He did after some trial and error, the sudden bright light blinding me when it flashed on.
"Have you been up this whole time?" He was squinting as he analyzed me. I nodded slowly, exhausted both physically and mentally. "Yeah, I can tell by how tired you look."
"Then what was the point in asking?" My tone came out snippy before I could stop it. I immediately felt bad for the harshness. I was tired, irritated, and drained, but I didn’t want to take it out on him. "Sorry."
I couldn't tell if he was too tired to care or if had simply missed it all together, but he didn’t say anything back. Instead, he moved closer and laid his head on my lap. The side of his head was on my thighs, his face toward the TV.
"I'll stay up with you until you fall asleep," He mumbled, though it sounded like he was halfway to snoozing again.
"Go to sleep, Javi. You’re barely awake right now," I insisted firmly. My fingers were running through his hair in a soothing motion.
"Not true. I’m actually super invested in watching Captain America." He adjusted himself until he was comfortable on my thighs as he used them like a pillow.
I chuckled wearily. "We’re watching Spider-Man."
"Oh, that too."
Javier stayed awake with me for longer than I thought he would, but he did drift off at some point. He tried and that was kind of him.
My body granted my wish of rest shortly after Javi. I fell asleep sitting up with my hands entangled in his hair. As uncomfortable as sleeping sitting up was, it didn't bother me because I was sleeping next to him. That made it some of the best sleep I had in forever.