Twenty-nine
Eli
I had done nothing but lie around all day. It was winter break so there was no work to be done, and I was tired of watching TV and mindlessly scrolling on my phone, so I just lied in bed.
Luckily, I was home alone, or at least I was earlier in the day.
I didn't know if that was still the case, but I honestly couldn’t be bothered enough to get up and see for myself.
Nobody was pestering me and I wanted to make it stay that way for as long as possible.
It was much better than the alternative.
I replied to the ‘happy birthday’ messages from my friends.
They had sent them earlier in the day, but like I said before, I hadn’t been on my phone.
I had been isolated for the entirety of the day and it was completely on purpose.
I always kept to myself on my birthday, I did it for both mine and everyone else's sake. Not having people in my face made it easier to cope, and not being in other people’s faces stopped me from dragging their moods down.
I wasn’t just sparing myself; I was sparing everyone.
All of the alcohol in the world couldn't drown how depressed I was. I knew this before I began taking large swigs from the bottle under my bed, but my mind would not let me go without trying.
I felt like I had been doing a pretty good job of cutting back.
The few people that genuinely cared about me were worried and I hated when others worried about me.
For them I cut back. My definition of cutting back and theirs were most likely not on the same level, but I was trying.
I wouldn’t drink around them to keep their minds at ease, but what I did in my own house did not concern them.
It was justifiable today especially. My reward for how good I had been doing was allowing myself booze guilt-free, but only for today. After that I had to cut back for real.
I only had sips throughout the day, just enough to satisfy the want but not enough to feel the effects of the liquor. For once, I was not set on getting drunk. I just needed the calming effects it gave me.
My phone vibrated against my leg. I assumed it was a reply to the 'thanks' I had sent to Bella just a couple of seconds ago, but that was not who had texted my phone. Instead, it was the guy who’s texts I constantly found myself smiling at.
Mr. President: happy birthday :)
I didn’t even remember mentioning my birthday to him. It was not a date that I was fond of sharing with people because I myself wished I could forget it. Half of me was touched that he had somehow found out and remembered, while the other half of me wished that he would never know the day existed.
I was going to send him a quick thank you text, but I found myself wanting to hear his voice.
Normally hearing anyone's voice on the shittiest day of my life was the absolute last thing I wanted to do.
Speaking and trying to hold a conversation was too difficult of a task and it ultimately ended with me being an ass for no reason.
But it did not seem like a huge obstacle when it was Javi because he made everything feel easier.
The only thing stopping me from seeing him was that I did not want him to be around me.
It was like part of me was worried that my negative presence would contaminate him.
I was in quarantine for the betterment of those around me, I did not need to spread the disease.
Yet, I needed to be around him. He was my cure to my illness, but I couldn’t get too close because then it would contaminate him. My head collapsed on my pillow with a large sigh.
Until I realized that to hear him, I did not necessarily have to be around him.
I pressed the call button on Javier’s contact name.
It rang for a few moments and I was beginning to think he wasn't going to pick up.
We did not call each other often because we would either already be around each other or I would be at home and have my siblings too close to talk freely.
However, today was the perfect day because the twins were avoiding me like I had the bubonic plague.
I did not want to listen to anyone, yet here I was calling him because he did not feel like just anyone to me.
I was getting ready to accept defeat because the ringing had gone on long enough, but when the dial tone clicked my hope was restored. I heard shuffling through the phone before it settled.
"Hello?" Javi's voice was distant, but his tone was full of curiosity.
"Hi," I whispered. "Thank you."
"You’re welcome. I hope you’re doing okay." His tone grew closer to the speaker, and it was light. It was like he knew something was up, but he couldn’t prove it so he treaded lightly.
“Better now that I’m talking to you.”
Javi did not know the details, but he wasn’t oblivious. He could sense my discomfort when it came to talking about anything to do with my personal life.
Javier never pushed me to give him any explanation on it all.
With the tension he had witnessed between my siblings and I and Gabriela’s sudden pity for me, I expected him to ask a long time ago.
He was very emotionally aware, always wanting to talk things out and then hug afterward.
If it were anything else then I knew he would have pushed it, but familial stressors was where he decided to back off.
"Do you want to come over, then? Spend the rest of your birthday with me, I’ll come get you."
"I can't," I said hoarsely.
Because I don't want you to see me like this.
Javi had already put up with so much from me. I was like a loose cannon, the slightest thing could set me off. One minute I was happy and then the next I was losing it at a flip of a switch.
The one person I swore to hate was the only one who I felt safe letting my guard down in front of. He had seen so much of me that no one else had and he was still here. It was astounding to me. I did not need to test that any further by being next to him on the worst day of the year.
Plus, my aunt would probably bitch and moan about me leaving. She did every year because she too was grieving the day and believed that if she should suffer then the entire house should too.
He paused, thinking. "Can I come to you?"
I rolled onto my back, putting my arms behind my head and resting on them. "Can you just stay on the phone with me? Please?"
"Sure. Do you want to talk?"
"I just want to hear about you. Tell me things I don’t know."
He hummed thoughtfully. "Okay, well I'm currently eating rice and gravy, I rate it a six out of ten.
It was my first time cooking it, so I'm proud, I guess.
I for sure like baking more than cooking, though.
Next time you come over we should make Oreo balls because I just know that you would like them. .."
The next hour was spent with Javier telling me random facts and stories about himself.
I found out his favorite color was burgundy.
No, he couldn't be normal and just say red because that was too plain for him.
I found out he used to run track in middle school, but quit because running became 'too much work,’ even though he was one of the best ones on the team.
I found out he was a dog person, not a cat person.
He was afraid of cats because of their beady eyes.
He liked winter over summer, movies over books, coffee over tea, fruity candy over chocolate.
Javi liked being around and close to the people he cared about because his family had always been affectionate.
He admitted he could tell when I was hiding something.
It was more apparent when I was angry because we all knew I never did a good job at hiding that, but the signs were still there when I felt upset.
Javi noticed the slight quiver in my voice and the way I would fidget subconsciously.
He noticed the immediate change in the topic of conversation because I was too uncomfortable to continue with it. He paid attention to me.
Javier didn't make me respond to him. I acknowledged that I was still listening by humming and little chuckles here and there, and it never deterred him from sharing.
I heard a loud yawn sound through the phone. "Do you want me to keep going?"
"Not if you’re about to fall asleep,” I snorted.
"I have a nine o'clock bedtime, but I'll break it for you."
"No, it’s okay," I murmured. "But can you do something for me, Javi?"
"Anything."
It sounded stupid, needy, and ridiculous to ask, but I was desperate. "Just stay on the phone with me."
Javi did just that. I went with him as he brushed his teeth, changed the sheets on his bed, and got a before-bed snack, even though he had just brushed his teeth for the night.
I was on the phone with him when he got snug in his bed and fell asleep, and we let the call stay on even though neither of us were speaking.
The fact that we were both present was what mattered.
We slept on the phone together and when I woke up he was still there.
The entirety of the morning was spent talking just like we would if I had spent the night at his house.
We talked until he had to go, something about helping his mom fix something he never got around to.
She woke him up from his slumber early this morning to do it, which Javi was not happy about.
I let him go do that. Unfortunately, his mom waking him up woke me up too, so now my eyes were wide open. I hadn't eaten much yesterday so it was safe to say that I was starving. I went to the kitchen to see if there was anything edible for breakfast.
To my surprise there was a container of muffins on the countertop. They looked fresh, moist, and seemed to be either chocolate chip or raisin. Freshly baked goods were not something that appeared in my house often, so it was a delight to see.