15. Clay
Clay
I lost my father when I was five years old. I don’t focus on that too often because he was taken from me in such a tragic way. I was robbed of his laughter and his love, but I don’t view my time on this earth as time where I’ve been unloved.
My mother and my brother have shown me the best kind of love. And for the short years I had my father, he showed me the truest form of what a father’s love should be. He loved my mother with all his heart. And he gave my brother and me the best parts of him.
Without hesitation, I grabbed Abby’s hand and squeezed. We both let the tears fall, knowing no matter what we did from that moment on, we would do it with that little baby in mind. That’s led me to this moment here.
I told Abby I needed to see my mother before telling River.
At first, we had decided to have my brother and Kennedy stop by to let them know.
But it only feels right that I see my mother first. I want to sit her down and let her know she will be a grandmother.
Plus, I need to explain what’s going on with this complicated situation with Abby and me.
I need have a conversation between my mother and me—alone.
Luckily, Abby didn’t protest. She felt a bit tired, so I dropped her off at her place, and she said she’d come to my apartment later to meet River and Kennedy.
It felt strange after such a huge appointment to leave her behind at her apartment.
I remember dreaming up a huge celebratory lunch or dinner after a possible positive pregnancy ultrasound.
But today, we simply celebrated in the office, and then we went our separate ways.
Everything is sort of going differently than expected.
But I guess we are just doing everything the way we feel we have to this time around.
In reality, we are letting things be as natural as possible.
I pull up to my mom’s place and cut the engine. It’s cold, and my mom is nowhere to be found outside. I didn’t let her know I was coming, so I hope she’s even home.
I hop out of my truck, run to the front door, and ring the bell. I hear her movements inside and breathe a sigh of relief.
The moment she opens the door, I see the concern take over her features.
“Clay, everything okay? Is River alright?” I know my brother’s recent accident has left everyone on edge.
“He’s fine, Ma. I promise. Can I come inside? It’s cold out here,” I say, tucking my beanie over my ears for added effect.
“Yeah, hun, come on in.” She opens the door farther, ushering me in.
I move inside my childhood home and take off a layer of my clothing.
“What’s going on?” she asks as I follow her inside to the kitchen, where she pours me a cup of coffee.
I take a seat at the table and accept the cup of the steaming hot liquid.
“Can’t a son come hang out with his favorite mom?” I say, giving her my best smile.
“You’re full of shit, much like your brother.” She laughs and pulls out her chair.
“You and I both know River is way worse than me.” I give her a look, and she throws her head back and laughs again.
“Kennedy is a godsend for dealing with him.” She chuckles. “But seriously, what’s up?”
The way my mom looks over at me, I feel like it blankets me in so much love, all my worries feel protected with her.
“Abby’s pregnant,” I blurt out.
My mom was bringing her cup of coffee up to meet her lips but stops. She looks over at me and then brings her mug back down, staring at me until I finish.
“It’s mine, by the way. You’re going to be a grandma. Congratulations.”
I don’t know if that was the best way to go about it, but now that I told her, I feel a lot better. She looks to be in shock, so I start to wave a hand in front of her face.
“Ma, you okay?” Her stunned expression is worrying me.
She sits there, still quietly staring at me, then finally snaps out of it.
“I’m sorry, I think I’m having a stroke. Did you say you got your ex-wife pregnant?” She looks at me, and I’m not sure if she’s mad, sad, or excited.
“Yes.” There’s no point in beating around the bush.
“I’m going to be a grandmother?”
I smile. “Yes.”
She smiles. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, Ma, I’m sure. We went to the doctor this morning.”
Tears well up in her eyes, and she pulls me into a hug. She whispers into my ear, “Your father is looking down on you and shining all his love onto that baby. I just know it, Clay. Just be ready for River to spoil that little one, though, and to force them to call him Dada.”
That brings a laugh out of me. I know my brother will definitely push hard for that.
“So, you’re not mad?” I ask her.
“Why in the world would I be mad?” She pulls back.
“Because it’s Abby. I know how upset you were when she left.”
“I wasn’t upset at Abby though, son,” she says.
“What do you mean? You seemed pretty upset when she left Boston.” I remember quite vividly when I called my mom, letting her know Abby had packed up and left me. My mom was pretty torn up about it.
“Clay, you’re my son. Seeing you upset left me quite angry in general. You are always going to be my priority. Abby was like a daughter to me, so of course I was upset. But once you explained everything that had happened, I grew a soft spot for what she had experienced.
“It doesn’t mean I didn’t feel bad for the heartbreak you had also felt.
You had suffered with her as well. Infertility is something you both experienced.
Then the divorce was hard on both of you.
But that kind of heartbreak, not being able to get pregnant, is really hard for a woman. ” My mom bows her head.
“Do you know firsthand how it felt for her?” I ask my mom.
“No, not firsthand. Not in that way. I once had a friend—someone I was really close to, who stopped talking to me when I was pregnant with you and your brother—who suffered the way Abby suffered. Unfortunately, she didn’t have the same outcome Abby is now having.
She never got a baby of her own. Plus, surrogacy wasn’t what it is today.
” She sips her coffee, her gaze drifting off, deep in thought.
“I remember meeting her for lunch, my excitement palpable, to tell her the news I was pregnant.” Her smile grows.
“I brought the ultrasound with the written-out A and B from the tech on it.” My mom’s smile drops.
“I still remember pulling it out of my purse, and the moment I opened it up on the table, my friend, Jasmine was her name, stood up and stormed out of the restaurant.
I was so confused. I had no idea she was struggling.
She later called me and told me why she got so angry.
“Then she told me that she couldn’t be my friend anymore.
Of course, I was so upset. Here I was, excited about my babies, and I wanted to share the news with everyone.
It’s hard to relate to someone’s pain when we are here, happy to have babies to give to the world.
In time, I started to understand how it could be perceived.
I grew more sensitive the more people I met who struggled.
“Then, when I lost your father, although the situation was completely different, I think I started to understand the grief a bit more because I saw couples getting to do things. I was grieving your father, and when I saw people loving on their spouses, I had feelings of ‘Oh, they’re so lucky.’ I started to realize that it’s all in how we see our situations. ”
I look down at my mug and reflect on how hard life has looked for Abby for so long. I realize how difficult it’s all been for her. And how all this might still be. It’s all an adjustment for her. Even with it being exciting, it might be tough to get used to.
“So, as much as you’re my son, she’s still my daughter in a way, Clay.
I just see things a little differently for her.
I feel for her in many ways. I’m sensitive to her pain.
But I’m really excited for you both, sweetie.
This is great and beautiful news.” She grabs my cheeks and kisses my forehead, much like she did when I was a little boy.
“Have you told your brother yet?” she asks.
“No, we’re telling him this afternoon. I just wanted to come by and tell you myself.”
“Well, aren’t you a sweetheart.”
“I had to win some points,” I tell her with a wink.
“You’re my favorite today.” She chuckles.
“Only today?” I feign shock.
“Lola is the winner on all the days, Clay. You know that,” she says as if that’s not already known.
I can’t help the chuckle that escapes.
I finish my coffee and head out, needing to get home before Abby makes her way over to welcome Kennedy and River.